What do you do when your husband shuts down during arguement and refuses to finish the arguement?
What can you do? Chasing him through the house demanding him to talk does no good because it will cause him to close down more. Let him go. He might need time to figure out how to handle it on his own before he can come back to work things out. If you leave him alone, he will come back to you sooner. Men like to handle things quietly and just handle business without a long, drawn-out conversation about it.
People do this all the time. They figure its not worth the conversation, figure you can't be moved, that you will get payback later, that they are horrible at discussions, and more options. It's pretty difficult to deal with. I normal just get even more upset. Let them be silent. It just causes more problems.
I prefer that he shuts down because this means he wants to end the argument, at least in our case. Then, wait an hour or two and he'll talk to me again. This time in a subdued manner. Just not bothering him when he shuts down is a better way of actually ending the argument. You see, there's nothing you can gain if you continue arguing.
Sometimes you have to agree to disagree and move on. If it's not a "deal breaker" you have to be willing to let it go. For some people the only way an argument is considered "over" is if they "win" or receive an apology.
Arguements can easily become a battle of wills and ego clashes. The louder one becomes the more likely their mate will begin to tune them out. Often times he or she may start wondering if this relationship is really worth it. No one appreciates being talked down to or screamed at.
With each major "blow up" something changes in the relationship. Even when you "move on" both people will always remember what the other said and how they acted. There are some books and techniques out there designed to help couples learn how to "fight fair" or resolve issues in a way that keeps them connected. The only person any of us can control is ourself. We don't get to tell another person how they should feel or react to what we have said to them. They are entitled to internalize or process things in their own way.
I would let him go. Then a few days later I would sit him down when he is in a good mood and set some argument rules. Shutting down like that is extremely unfair as you do not get to be heard on what is bothering you.
On the lighter side, if he walks away you can just call after him in a nice voice--"Good walk away, that means I am right." and go about your business.
hmm... this is odd because I'm answering from the husband's perspective.
I only shut my mouth up if my partner doesn't seem to listen; if this is the case, continuing the conversation would only make things worse. It would be an endless battle. Usually, we talk it over again when our heads are cooler, and that time, we'll have a more healthy conversation.
No one is right or wrong, though there maybe at times, but you'll both have to agree with each other which argument or suggestion make things better, and in times of heat, that isn't just possible.
And, women, as per my observation will not stop the argument as long as men still talk. We're usually the one to concede; sometimes leaving the subject totally, sometimes just waiting for the right time.
Best approach? Just leave them be for a moment; they're just thinking it over, and being careful not to utter hurtful words that may hurt the relationship even better.
It can be a good thing.
Maybe he is giving you a chance or himself to cool down on this matter. Sometimes when an argument continues, it will have lasting effect of hurt. So, when he does that, it maybe better in a way so that both of you can give yourself time off.
Good question. It's happened to me too. But I learnt that it's a good opportunity to avoid nasty and hurtful words. So I let it be until another time when we can finish the argument or find a common ground. In the meantime, it gives me time to reflect on things I might not be seeing from my side.
I'm not married, but when this happens to me in a relationship I leave and go and have some fun. You can't force someone to talk when they back off, and I'm not a fan of the silent treatment, so I leave them to it and in affect shut off further than they do. Usually when he see's me in a good mood dispite the earlier unsuccessful conversation with him, he usually opens up and wants to talk. That's when I tell him he doesn't fight fair, or what I need when it comes to sorting out disputes so he may be able to take it into account next time.
in many cases the reason a person shuts down is that they realize they are fighting a losing battle. it's the same for men or women. sometimes you just have to say enough already and let it end.
I do this. Most of these answers are incorrect. When I can not get the other person to realize we are just going to disagree, and yet the argument is pushed further and further despite my best efforts to end the argument, my only choice is to shut down. Some people are just unable to accept disagreement, so they will fight and fight until they "win". These people saying "it means you won", to that I say "yes, you won, now shut your trap and leave the poor guy alone"!
First acknowledge that he has turned you off by saying something as simple as, "I see that you have stopped listening." Then ask for a specific amount of additional time if absolutely necessary. Something like, "Honey, can I have just 5 more minutes and then I will stop?" Or suggest you both take a time out and come back to it at a later time. Perhaps after he has had a chance to do something he wants or needs to do or after some nice experience such as a meal, making love, or doing a tasks that needs to be done.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity to claim victory. Unless when you say "shuts down" you mean he is just giving you a chance to talk. Then that is how an argument works, you take turns speaking and listen to each other.
Just let it go until he is ready. It does no good whatsoever when he shuts down. It is nerve wracking because I want to deal with the issue ASAP, but that is part of being in a relationship.
He's done talking. He doesn't want to argue. He doesn't want to expend the energy it takes to come to some sort of resolution . . . or maybe at least some conclusion.
Be truly grateful!
Arguing takes too much energy and if the two would take the time to think how long its been since the argument started, neither is going to change their minds. So what's the point? You could be doing something more constructive.
Why does an argument have to finish, but then again why does it start. My wife often times seems to be bored and just wants to keep biting. I say, I give up and wait for her to calm down. If she doesn't lately almost 80 percent of the time I found that she is in pain unless she wants something else.
I hate confrontation and try to avoid it that way I don't have to get picked on or try to fight a losing battle
In the past I've had that happen (though with a boyfriend). He would get up and leave in the midst of an argument.
The next day I would address it with him. I tell him it's okay that we disagree on certain things but it's important that we understand where each other stand on issues. I definitely agree with "agree to disagree".
Then I'd pray about it too.
Mine does that too! VERY FRUSTRATING! When he does that it makes me feel like he has quit listening I feel ignored and then I get angry. But I learned to just continue on with what I am saying and get it all out then continue on with whatever i need to do. If he doesnt want to communicate that is fine I have said my peace and when he is ready he will usually say his, but I have also learned that when he brings up past arguments where he has shut down I will simply say - that was discussed 2 months ago. You refused to continue the conversation and I resolved it by stating what I needed to. If you wanted to continue the conversation you should have done so at the time of the original argument. It is no longer up for discussion. If you feel unresolved find a way to resolve it because I already have.- granted some issues need to be reopened because resolution takes longer. But I dont like to have the same argument over and over again either it gets resolved or you move on but I dont dote over it.
I would leave him alone until we have both calmed down. But that doesn't mean he is off the hook. I understand that this isn't about winning or losing, it is about resolving differences and finding solutions to our problems.
When we are both calmer, I will insist that we discuss it so we can find a solution. So many times, when he shuts down, he simply wants things to continue as they have been, no matter how much it bothers me, or how much trouble it causes us as a family.
It isn't a power struggle and him having to change. I am willing to make changes too, and maybe accept some things the way they are too, but we have to communicate in order to have a relationship.
If he continues to shut me out, and refuses to work on finding solutions to our issues, I will leave him. I deserve respect, and I am not willing to become a nag.
I didn't realize I had already answered this question, but today, I would say he is shutting down because you are not listening. You need to be quiet and listen so he doesn't have to yell. Staying calm, both of you will be able to resolve this.
"Arguing", confronting or getting upset with someone is not a waste of time neither is it wrong. If you have chosen to be in a relationship or have married someone you now perceive to me miserable, negative or unhappy. You will have to deal with the repercussions of what you have chosen. If on the other hand you are self centered and make decisions that hurt or affect your loved one, but cannot deal with them confronting you. Then you need to soul search and change your ways of "behaving" . Last but not least if you are immature, terrible at reasoning and communicating, then what do you expect! There will be no peace, silliness will cause conflict in your relationship and both parties will live in frustration. Solving whatever problems do not equate a Science project
i am right there with you! my husband usually goes to bed and pretends to be asleep or will go out for a walk and i can't stand it! it usually makes me even more frustrated than i already was! he'll then come back and apologise and knowing he's got nothing to apologise for, i have to say, 'you've got nothing to be sorry for, i'm the one that's sorry'. i think a lot of the time i'll start the argument because i want a good argument, i know it sounds horrible but i don't do it intentionally. he'll just brush things under the carpet and i hate nothing more! thanks for asking the question, 'cuz i look forward to reading peoples' answers after finishing mine :-). my reply is that i keep going and going and going until eventually he has to join in! but i know that's not the answer.
Jeez I think so many of us have that same issue! When I was first with my husband and he did that, it drove me nuts and what I did was try to make him resolve the problem. It didn't work though, in fact, it usually made the situation ten times worse and he'd end up saying something hurtful out of frustration. He'd say that I just need to let him be and believe me, that can be soooo difficult. However, I've learned that even though it sucks, leaving him be keeps things from getting worse. Honestly, too, he usually will apologize or come and hug me later and it's over. I think men probably shut down like that because they are getting so frustrated and angry, wether they're right or wrong, and they know that they have to just stop so that they won't blow up and say something they don't mean. I really do think that men and women really think differently. I remember I had read that a study done on a toddler boy and girl showed that when there was a wall put in front of each child, the boy simply went around, whereas the girl sat and cried for someone to get her, lol. Not that women are whiny but just more emotional beings, which isn't a bad thing.
I don't have a husband but when my boyfriend does this I just stop talking to him until he calms down. Usually once he gets over his mood he stops. Otherwise he'll just get this annoying "okay you win" attitude that's obviously not genuine and just makes things worse, even though he's convinced that's some kind of solution. Once they're calm, it's easier to get them to finally talk and since at this point you're most likely calm too it's probably for the best. Just leave and go do something to get your mind off it then come back once everything seems like they should've simmered down since he'll have probably done whatever to get his mind off it too.
On another note, he probably knows he's wrong and just doesn't want to admit it. So just take the shut down as a victory and let it go. I usually recognize this when I realize that he's the only angry one in this argument and I'm completely fine and just trying to come to a compromise. Most arguments in a relationship are more unnecessary than they seem anyways.
Better to shut down, and walk away then says things you didn't mean. Later when all concerned have calmed down. Then have a discussion. More importantly Never! Never! go to bed mad.
maybe there was nothing to argue about. or ya'll weren't getting anywhere-like towards a resolving whatever the issue was. or maybe you are a drama queen so he was just trying to "humor you" cause that's your thing.
I would say leave the room, or the house, and take some time to cool down. Consider if what they say is valid or not. Once you're cooled down and considered what they've said, then go back - calmly - and ask him if the two of you can discuss the issue in a calm manner.
In a healthy marriage fighting is normal. It would be impossible not to argue with your husband or wife at least once a week. But make sure you fight fair. read more
Go and make some coffee, take the dog for a walk and finally go and play a game on the computer should do the trick, he will definetly engage with you then! lol
I believe it is known in the marriage counseling circuit as "stonewalling." Usually a spouse does this when they feel threatened, tongue-tied, or need some space. There is a great book called The 7 Principles of a Successful Marriage by John Gottman. Stonewalling is known as one of the 4 Horseman of the apocalypse. In this bizarre yet strangely fitting analogy, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the four signs that a spouse has checked out. Stonewalling being the most severe, it usually means the spouse is trying to avoid conflict altogether. What I would recommend is first recognizing that this happens, and the next time an argumement arises, take a "time out" where both of you have some space and come back to the argument in an hour or so. Sometimes arguments seem to elevate past the point of no return. Learning and teaching your partner how to "fight fair" can help save a marriage or a relationship.
In my experience (as the husband), this is usually a cue that I need some space, and we need to let things settle before they percolate over. Sometimes, a short break away from each other and the argument is just what me and my wife need to move on.
From a woman, oh wait from anyone who would be thankful that he wants more in life than to argue!
Everyone wants to be able to express themselves, and is entitled to their opinion. That being said constant battling over different decisions that need to be made will eventually lead to him not only walking away from the argument, but you!
Learn to recognize that people can agree to disagree on different matters and situations in life, and that believe it or not your not always going to be right and in control of many.
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Generally, as a man I "shut down" in an argument under several circumstances. It might be difficult to tell which, but in any case your best bet is to let it go, and resume talking when he is ready...
Here are the common reasons that cause me to shut down during an argument. There are more, but this is a good start.
1. Whatever you just said defies all reason and logic. It's going to take me a considerable amount of time to decipher what the hell you even said, let alone what you meant. The logic of women defy normal reason sometimes, and when you attempt to justify your argument based on female intuition, male logic just can't cope with it. It will take time to sort this out and come to a conclusion. Once we figure it out, we can continue our discussion if it is still an issue that needs to be resolved.
2. You are wrong, and there is nothing I can say that will convince you that you are. This argument will last forever if one of us doesn't let it go, and I for one choose to let it go. Perhaps I am trying to formulate a new response that will help you see how wrong you are, but perhaps I have given up trying to be reasonable with you.
3. I am wrong. Something you just said has given me pause, or has convinced me that perhaps I have not thought this through. It has made me think and reflect on myself, and I am now going over the argument step by step to figure out how much of an apology I owe you, and what I need to start doing different. An apology is coming... so just be patient while I work out how much damage I have caused.
4. I'm just tired of arguing and do not want to participate. This is the same argument we had yesterday or last week, and you are not offering anything new to the subject. You are just re-hashing the same old bullshit. Leave me alone, and don't bring this up again until you have something new and helpful to contribute to the argument.
5. I am hurt and offended by what you have said or accused me of. There may or may not be elements of truth to it, but regardless it hurts me deeply that you feel this way, and as a result I am shutting down as an emotional defense against being hurt more. Men generally do not like to be perceived as vulnerable, but make no mistake, we are. We damned sure don't want to show that weakness, especially when you are being cruel to us. Chances are, you owe me an apology, and I will likely shut down on this subject permanently until you recognize that, and apologize.
Get and read this book: Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. It's not about the argument, it's about reactivity and gridlock.
ah.. this happens all the time. When he shuts that means he had taken the toll and it is time to shut up for both or else he will start taking things around him and throw at me.
I'd think has given up the because he feels he's made his standpoint as clear as he can and there's nothing more he can add to your argument. You should make it clear to him why you think the argument is unfinished without repeating yourself, and that you value his oppinion. He probably, like me, has an unsophisticated view of the world and is not so interested in all the issues a woman might have. You might entice him back into communicating with a beer. One other thing is, that sometimes a point of argument might be that just that the difference is just one of opinion and, well we all differ and partners feel that the the other is putting their view down (dominating) and they are being told to submit (or keep the peace) until the argument has been won. This is not always good for a relationship. Agree to differ is is one agreeable way to close an argument.
If it happens repeatedly?
Marriage counseling. Emotional withdrawal and refusal to communicate causes more problems, it doesn't solve anything.
As someone who hates getting into arguments, I just stop talking: it's the only way to prevent an argument unless he starts agreeing with everything you say no matter if he likes it or not. My girlfriend constantly found flaws with the things I said, and tried to find arguments everywhere, but I didn't answer. She broke up with me because I said I don't want to argue any further and turned off the phone, but the reason why she chose to end our relationship was because she wanted us to talk about the problem.
I'm guessing your husband doesn't want the same thing to happen, least of all have you angry with each other for the rest of the day. Arguing can be good when it's meaningful, but being upset with each other is not worth it, no matter how important the topic may have been.
So if he gives up, you should too. Trust me, you can learn a lot from that.
Shutting down in the middle of an argument is definitely a mature move. It is a way of breathing to cool things down. In that case these are eliminated:
1. Unjust decision
2. Uttered bad words
3. Violent actions and reactions
Therefore, it would be advisable to talk things not in the verge of anger but on the lie-low mode. As such, mature people talks calmly making sound and just decision without hurting each other physically and emotionally.
Usually, I just give him some space to blow off steam and then revisit the conversation making sure to let him know that I want to hear his views as well as have him hear mine.
Do some research on interpersonal communication. You may be turning him off to something your saying. It may be his defense mechanism but make sure you look inward and question how you approach the situation. Maybe you shouldn't be having arguments, maybe you should be having conversations
when my wife is frustrated,and starts to complain I try to solve the problem.This usually just adds fuel to the fire.I then shut down to avoid getting frustrated.We discovered that if she just asks me to listen, not say anything,but be supportive of her, and that she just needs to vent, I respond in a more positive way. But it cannot seem like a personal attack on me as well. This will cause me get frustrated and shut down too. conduct a issue with respect for each other. imagine it like an interview for a job .Q&A works..
Men with any maturity will not sit around for an argument -- they'll walk out of the room. There's a certain point where men and women cannot come to a consensus or agreement. Our brains our wired very differently, and to expect them to reach a point of reconciliation on every point is futile. The best thing to do is to let the moment pass. One or the other of you may figure out a way of approaching the topic from a less heated point of view.
There could be quite a number of reasons why he just 'shuts down,' but have you considered this one: Maybe he has a last realized that what argues is one self-image (along with all of its perceived notions of a self based on conditioning) setting itself up against another self-image (ego) and its set of conditioning. The situation being one opion versus another opinion. He maybe realizes (Perhaps he's read Eckhart Tolle's, 'The Power of Now, or The New Earth' and understands and is using this new-found knowledge to come out of being controlled by his automatic thinking.
If you don't know what I'm talking about here then I strongly suggest you buy these two books and read and read and read,..and study and study and study, until you comprehend what Tolle is getting at. Once you've done this, you might find that this here husband of yours is a far wiser guy than you give him credit for.
Then again, maybe not. Maybe he's just tired of arguing.
Walk away. Give it some time before you pick up the conversation, and try to have a conversation rather than an argument and you'll get much more constructive conclusions for both of you and keep the peace in the house. Good luck!
When he shuts down....its time to take a break and work it out later. Men are not equipped to argue all day. It's either fight or flight. Do you want to risk that?
Instead, re-assess as to wether the argument is really worth having. Is it something needed for the family to function or is it just something that arouses your emotions? Can both of you compromise?
Would a stalemate or victory for your spouse be all that bad?
Sometimes the make-up loving is worth the tension as well.
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