Boyfriend wants some alone time - what does that exactly mean

1. 49

   1lrichardsposted 14 years ago

   My boyfriend of 9 months and I were not really getting along this weekend. I was frustrated about some things and voiced my frustrations but was in general irritable, short with him and out of wack. We both have kids from our marriages so the kids were around and we didn't really have any downtime to talk.
   
   He doesn't officially live with me but he is over 99% of the time. He started packing up his laptop in the early afternoon and I was super angry and said do you want to leave right now and he said yes so he and his daughter went to him Mom's place where he stays occacionally.
   
   I didn't know what to do. Call him and apologize for my part, give him space and let him contact me or what. I don't have a lot of experience with this because I was with my ex-husband for 20 years and this is my first serious relationship since the divorce.
   
   I met with my counselor and she said there was no right or wrong way to go about it so I took the initiative and called him after my appointment. We had a good conversation and he opened up to me about how he was feeling out of sorts, anxious, etc. We said we loved each other, etc. and I invited him to come over but he said he was still feeling out of sorts and needed to work on some things. I am a logistics person so I pushed and said how long a day, two, three or what and he said he didn't know which concerns me. He did say I could call him though which also concerened me. If he needs time to work on stuff maybe it would be better if he called me. I don't want to be bugging him.
   
   When we aren't together we do call each other at night to say good night so we did talk last night and it was even better. He seemed more at ease and he had a relaxed tone of voice.
   
   He gets up later than me and I had an appointment today so I called him one more time in the early afternoon and he said he was just about to call me but that I beat him to the punch. Again the phone call went well. We did talk about what the other one had planned for the day/evening, etc. and he ended it by saying he would talk to me later.
   
   I read a few posts about people needing space and it was a little frightening to me. Lots of people say this is a sign they the other person wants to break up, time to think about if they can go on in the relationship, have found somebody else, etc. Can it just be what my boyfriend said that he is having a lot of anxiety and needs to work on some issues?
   
   I was married for so long. I don't understand the being apart from each other event that is happening with my boyfriend. In my marriage, we would take breaks from each other for short periods of time like going to the gym, reading, shopping, outing with a friend, etc. if we were frustrated but neither one of us completely removed ourselves from the situation.
   
   This is our first disagreement but before I shared my frustrations he did ask me if I wanted to break up. I said no don't you think I would have had a conversation about something that serious and not just drop a bomb on you and that I just wanted to share my frustrations. He also said later in the day he was worried. I tried to reassure him that there was nothing to worry about. Could he be thinking of breaking up with me and wanted me to initiate it?
   
   Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. I am freaking out a little bit. Am I overanalyzing the situation?

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2. 61

   knolyourselfposted 14 years ago

   "Am I overanalyzing the situation?"
   Over-analyzing. People need space. If it's it not about you - you give it.

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3. 74

   Bill Manningposted 14 years ago

   You need to be with someone way too much. You make your mate your life, which is wrong. You have a life of your own you want, then a mate is a nice extra.
   
   I'd leave him alone and try to find out what you want to do in your life for yourself that does not involve anyone else.

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   1. 89

      Jean Bakulaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It does sound to me as if he feels crowded. Some people really do need and like solitude at times. That could be the issue. Try it for a few weeks, and keep busy with other things when you are not with him. But he did ask you if you wanted to break up. So I'm unsure if you signaled in some way that you did. Sometimes people don't want to be the one to break up, so do things to force the other person to do it. Best wishes with the situation, and if you do move on, you will have learned from it, since it was your first relationship in a long time.

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4. 60

   Mrs. J. B.posted 14 years ago

   Your man has retreated to the cave... Let him be. Relax, do your own thing and before you know it your man will come back out as though nothing has happened. Best not to ask either... Trust me in 20 years from now you will be suggesting he head to the man cave. LOL

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5. 49

   Drkswilliamsposted 14 years ago

   Sounds like you're a good communicator. That's a plus in any relationship. Just sounds like he needs some space to make some decisions on his own, without having to explain them and how they make him feel.
   
   As others recommended, give him some time and a lot of space. When HE comes back around ready to talk or dine or pick up where you guys left off, DO NOT MENTION HIS NEEDING SPACE. DO NOT ASK WHY HE NEEDED SPACE AND LEFT. Just let him be.
   
   Sounds like he will talk to you about this when/if he is ready.
   
   If you need more communication on a regular basis than this, you may need a different guy.
   
   You both are raising children on your own. That's not easy. Your life is no longer your own. The last thing you want is extra stress and pressure from another adult.
   
   If you have a lot of time on your hands--and I never met a single parent without a Nanny who did--I recommend you try to get some of your needs met through other avenues and hobbies and interests.
   
   Good luck!

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6. 65

   SandyMcCollumposted 14 years ago

   I think giving him uninterrupted space is good, since that's what he wants. However, I do think when a man needs space and is staying away from the woman he 'loves' it's because he doesn't know another way to tell you (without hurting you) that he wants to be on his own. The best thing you could do is continue along with your own life and if he comes back to you, it's well and good. But don't be surprised if he didn't.
   
   Also, I don't know you so I cannot offer anything more than a guess. But, sometimes when a newly divorced person starts dating again, they sometimes think they're in a lasting relationship before the other person does, or they require the actions of a mate. Like watching each other's children and such.
   
   It would behoove you to go ahead with your own life, and as someone suggested before, keep with your own interests and see if he ever wants to come back, without you saying you miss him and asking what he's been doing and such. Good luck!

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7. 68

   SweetMocha-Monroeposted 14 years ago

   Ever heard the phrase "You are crowding my space?" An relationship can take your breath away and not in a good way. Mates can be too needy; but, I have an saying and I don't care how much "I Love You"; I Came To This World By Myself and I Am Going To Leave It By Myself; Therefore, in between "Let Me Breath."
   
   
   
   Like flowers can't survive without water; I can't survive without air. So have you ever met someone who has tried to suck all your oxygen and what did you do about it?

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8. 66

   mariasialposted 14 years ago

   i think when your man left you without any apparent reason it was a time to give him time or space, so he can analyze the your value in his life. Next time when it happens , try to ignore him and wait for at least few days, let him analyze himself what exactly he needs and if he contacted you back or came back to you he will back for good.... believe me ........ i am telling you ... try this out.

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