each one going to a separate room and sitting down to ask oneself, "if I contributed in anyway to making this argument happen, how (even in the smallest of ways) could I have contributed to this?"
Then, could it help to bring some togetherness/solution if you both meet up and share what came to you? Like saying something like, " I was wrong for....."
In many cases that does work but - I believe since I have little for comparing - that providing a cooling off time allows objectively reviewing the entire "argument", how long it takes depend on how "hot", then approach the other to see if they have reasoned with both sides, if yes, sit down and discuss OBJECTIVELY while presenting it without judging while listening completely to the other, and vice versa. In such setting the objectivity eliminates the arguing and allow each to hear the whole dialog of the other which MAY prevent the other from even needing to say anything except agree or recognize, if, and they should, they present their views, both side are valid so agree to disagree or integrate the two. The same works on forums, juries and in all other settings.
I rarely get into arguments with loved ones. It's not worth it to me.
Long ago I came across the following statement:
"Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears"
After reflecting on it for a while I came to see it was true more often than not. The vast majority of fights have to deal with someone who (feels) they were disrespected, taken advantage of, taken for granted, betrayed, or the other person was inconsiderate in some way.
Whether the act was intentional or not essentially it (hurt their feelings)!
Most of us react one of two ways when someone hurts our feelings.
We'll go on the attack or we'll retreat/withdraw.
Yelling or walking out are viewed as "strong tactics" to use.
The other option seldom used is to calmly tell them they (hurt) you. Generally speaking we consider this to be the "weakest" move.
And yet this response is more likely to cause the other person to reflect on what they did as oppose to jump on the defensive to win an (ego) battle.
Ego battles are about "You & Me" instead of thinking about "Us & We".
Also reacting calmly and rationally (explaining one's feelings) is likely to speed up the communication process and clear the air much sooner.
It's a challenge not to fight fire with fire when someone yells at us.
It's also a challenge not to explode when we feel taken advantage of.
Nevertheless if we can remember: "Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears" we're likely to be able to get to the bottom of things much quicker.
More often than not if someone loves you the Hurt was (unintentional)!
And I fully concur, dashingscorpio, although I have never heard it put that way, thanks.
Yes its instinctive to fight fire with fire-just as you said.
But losing the relationship or having that person set up a brick wall of silence is worse.
It takes a large amount of control dashingscorpio. But it is a good goal to aspire too.
In any given situation, I must always ask myself “What role did I play in all of this?” This strategy now works 100% of the time for me. As I live life backwards, my mother and I used to argue like Vicki Lawrence and Carol Burnett did on Carol Burnett’s popular television show. I did not realize it back then that both of us were playing a certain role in all of the nonsense.
This can work only if you really care about the relationship surviving.
If you stonewall, its a dead end street. What do you do then?
Its great you were working with this idea a while back. Does it work with your wife?
@threekeys . . .this is heavy stuff and I know that my Turbulent 60s is coming out, but I am serious. I liked the motivation, the action, and the confidence in asking yourself what about the conversation.
Now, having that conversation is drawing a blank. I like the idea and I understand the rightness of it. However I find myself baulking at the idea, too.
Im not sure what you actually mean when you refer to your 1960's self?. Does this idea sound like a hipster? Maybe its an idea recycled. I just came across it.
@ threekeys -- before I knew it, I used the word, "heavy" which was in the title of Iron Butterfly's first album, "Heavy," and no, I wasn't trying to be anyone but myself. I just said it before I realized it. My fault. I apologize.
No need to apoligize Kenneth.
Im afraid I dont know what you mean or where you are coming from.
Was the 1960's was a anger arousing time for you? Personally challenging?
No, no need to share. Its okay.
I still think that idea for resolving arguments where you feel you really want to make someone wrong, is a respectful way. Challenging though.
@ threekeys -- all is well. No the word, "heavy" was not a point or trigger of anger. Like I said. There was this successful band in the 60s by the name of Iron Butterfly and their first album (LP) was named "Heavy," and I think I used it as an adjetive in referring to the post you published about going into another room and asking yourself some key questions.
I found the idea very good. Very reasonable. And workable. And as long as you and I have crossed pathways on HubPages, I have never said anything to cause you to think that I was anything but an old guy whose body has about had it.
That's it. Just being me is a full time job. I do like you though. And I may never meet you in Australia, right? But I do like you and just need you to know that. Are we okay?
All good. Never thought otherwise Kenneth.
You know I never had the oportunity to meet Americans and get to know them and their culture until I came to Hubpages.
And I dont know know if you get me, as an Australian, but I do find I can miss the mark with Americanism. I can be taken back. So even though we are English speaking countries, meanings can be misunderstood.
This has surprised me.
When you no longer care it makes no sense to remain there.
Hello threekeys, three days ago, my wife drag me to the social welfare department. The issue is maintanance. I don't have to argue. My store ban is stuff with goodlies! I sleep cool beside her not to think of the other room. I think the dept. will do the taliking for me this Tuesday. Cool again.
I am having a nice time, and don't bother to disturb me.
However, you are welcome to respond cool!
I'm always right, so I slap my loved one around the head with a wet mackerel a few times to keep him in line Togetherness.... lovely.
Its a fantastic method but would take strong commitment. This is a upside down view but it speeds up one's understanding of another. You can tell the character or decency of a person in how they handle conflict. So, its better to see your partner behave badly early in the piece to workout if this is the relationship you want to spend time in.
I would probably do that, take some time to cool off. I've done it with my family members and boyfriend before, and it usually works.
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