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Why Is It Some People Feel Undefined When Single?

  1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
    schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago

    This is sort of a touchy subject for me.
    I have been in relationships non stop for about 15 yrs until 2 yrs ago.
    I have spent time with myself but I still find it challenging to be completely alone.
    I don't know why. It's like so strange and so weird.
    I've always had a man to fall back on
    but I don't want to have one, just to have one.
    I am learning slowly to be on my own and I don't want to rely on a prince charming to fix things
    but I also love to love and be loved.
    I'm learning new things all the time, and one is that I need to get over being codependent.

    I really want to feel happy being single and I really want to feel satisfied and content.
    Without that one can make dumb choices in life and I really don't want to do that anymore.
    So here I am, glad to be single but at the same time after so long it feels like I
    cannot be. That's where 12 step programs come into play I guess.

    I'm not addicted to having sex but I may be just afraid to be on my own.

    1. pinto2011 profile image61
      pinto2011posted 3 years ago in reply to this

      It is because human beings are social animal and the most evolved social animal. Relationship are so much valued, not only between lovers but mother-son, father-daughter, between siblings, between friends and go on.  But a day will come when mother will be no more, friends and siblings will have their own family and settle elsewhere when enter the adulthood. Here this void is filled by that beloved live  long companionship, someone to hold your hand even at the ripe age of 80.  He or she will fight, make love, argue, agree, but be with you, then only at that age we will look back and say, yes indeed we need a life long companion. There is someone to listen to me for my whole life. My parents will also close their eyes believing someone is there to take care of my child for life.

      1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
        schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Good point... smile

    2. dashingscorpio profile image86
      dashingscorpioposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Traditionally being single defined one's (marital) status. Anyone who is not married is legally considered (single) or available to get married. That's what "single" really means. However most of us now place (dating couples) on the same pedestal as married couples. Therefore today we say single means you are not (seriously) dating anyone. Others take it a step further to mean they aren't dating period! They're living like nuns or monks.
      Being a man when I was (single) I had "booty calls" or "friends with benefits" and the occasional "one night stand" from time to time. I was in my 20s and early 30s and also had friends who were single to hang out with as well. I suppose it would be a little different if all your friends are (coupled up) or you feel too old to be out alone partying. Although with the advent of online dating most people have the option to meet others socially anytime they choose to.
      I guess my point is I don't define being single as being "alone", sexless, or bored. Life is what you make it!

      1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
        schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Great point. Being the shy/reserved type- that's going to have to be a goal for me.

  2. Kathryn L Hill profile image84
    Kathryn L Hillposted 3 years ago

    Look at it this way: To be and (learn how to be) independent now, will teach you to be in a relationship in a non co-dependant way when the opportunity comes along again! When the time is right you will be in a better psychological position to contribute to someone else's happiness because you will know what makes you happy. Now is a time to take care of your self and learn to value yourself. find your own passions, and fulfill your own desires... tune into Them, instead of SomeBody.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
      schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      good point

  3. btrbell profile image88
    btrbellposted 3 years ago

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you. We are human and humans seek company. I have been single for almost 8 years. I have had a few relationships since then. While I haven't always been happy in them, I know that I would rather be with someone than not. Today being said, I definitely don't want to be with someone just for the sake of not being alone. So, it can be difficult. I haven't been in a relationship in over a year and as much as I would like to be in one, I'm not willing to settle. Good luck. It's tough out there

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
      schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this


  4. WriteAngled profile image91
    WriteAngledposted 3 years ago

    I am now having the best time of my life.

    It took me over 50 years to realise that I am happiest of all being single. I have found that being totally free is the most important thing of all. I accept other people might not agree, but this is what makes me feel fulfilled.

    1. Uninvited Writer profile image81
      Uninvited Writerposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      I feel the same way, and I've never been married.

    2. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
      schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      That's fine to be whatever you want. I don't find anything wrong with it.

  5. rebekahELLE profile image91
    rebekahELLEposted 3 years ago

      Many people remain in bad relationships because one or the other, or both, are afraid to learn how to live independently.  The status does not define who we are.  One can feel very alone and undefined while married or in a relationship. I guess it's about how you look at life and what your expectations are.  To me, life is a journey, and it takes many different paths.  Some paths are best to take alone, others are meant for family or friends, partners.  I think balance is the key.  Our lives feel most complete when we are happy with who we are, regardless of our life situation at the time.   If I start to feel anxious or unhappy, it's usually because something in my life is out of balance, so I'll figure out what I need to do to get back to a healthier state of being.  It's usually just a matter of doing something more or less, like getting more sleep or getting out more around adults (I work with young children.), or simply changing my attitude. 

    I really like Kathryn Hill's response.  The other posters also have added a lot of wisdom here. 
    Be who you are, not what you think you should be.  It sounds like you need this time of freedom and independence to discover more who you are and what you enjoy.  Enjoy it, time moves so quickly.

  6. Gypsy Rose Lee profile image62
    Gypsy Rose Leeposted 3 years ago

    Nothing wrong with being single but society is very much double minded. Every where you look people are together - going out, eating, even just walking side by side. I believe if you just keep in mind that even if you are single you are a wonderful person to be with. You have to start slow but do it. Go out and being alone people watch and let everyone see that you are confident and can be alright even being single.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
      schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      Yeah I was out today with my mother and was very well dressed after church and got quite a few looks from men. I felt good. thanks smile

  7. gmwilliams profile image86
    gmwilliamsposted 3 years ago

    It is society that tells people that they must be in a relationship in order to be whole.   People have been routinely inculcated that they are incomplete unless they are in a relationship. From early childhood, people have been inculcated that to be normal, they must belong and/or be part of a group.   Children who are highly social are rewarded while those who are more solitary are deemed as odd and need fixing.   Many children who are more solitary are considered to be backward although they are highly intelligent. 

    This indoctrinaton continues throughout adolescence.   Young people are pressured to be part of a group and/or to date.  Those who are more individualistic and unconventional are oftentimes ostracized and stigmatized by other young people, their teachers, and oftentimes their parents.   Many young people during these years are so pressured to belong and/or to be part of a group that they do destructive and deleterious things.   To be alone is synonymous with being a loser and a nobody.   

    This pressure to be in a relationship whether committal and/or marital is the cause of many divorces.   People are so indoctrinated to be in relationships that they will settle just to be in a relationship. It is the estimation of many people, particularly women, that any relationship, even less than positive and/or abusive, is better than no relationship at all.   

    To many people, being alone is the kiss of death.   People whether be in aimless relationships than to be alone.  People are afraid to be alone because the word has such negative connotations.   Being alone to many people means being undesirable, a loser, and being cast aside.    Women have been inculcated with the premise that being alone is a proverbial tomb and a source of turmoil.   They have been told that in order to be happy, they must be surrounded by friends, relationships, and to be highly social, up and about.    Women are further told that they are nothing without people in their lives.

    Also in this society, although it is changing, single people are viewed as immature and irresponsible.   They are also viewed as incomplete people.   Single people are constantly told to "find someone" as "we all need companionship" to be fulfilled as people.   

    There is nothing wrong with being without relationships and being alone.   Being alone gives one time to read and think.   It also affords one time to pursue hobbies and interests.   One does not have to be constantly with people and socializing in order to be happy and fulfilled.   One does not have to be in a relationship in order to be happy.   Being alone can be a time of reflection and growth.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
      schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

      I agree. Except if you want sex, you have to get married according to my own peace of mind.

      1. gmwilliams profile image86
        gmwilliamsposted 3 years ago in reply to this

        Not necessarily.  One can have sex outside of marriage.  Waiting until marriage to have sex is totally futile and outdated.   How are you going to know if you have a sexually compatible partner if you wait until marriage.   One should test the waters so to speak before marriage.

        1. schoolgirlforreal profile image75
          schoolgirlforrealposted 3 years ago in reply to this

          I guess but I often feel bad about myself having sex before marriage. Maybe it's okay if you intend on pursuing that relationship further to see..I've been ok with that in the past. I'm just trying to break a bad pattern of jumping into it and stuff. I have strong "values" that I must recognize in order to have peace of mind, not just because the church teaches it, but becasue I'm a sensitive romantic person and I don't feel good if I have sex outside of a romantic and good relationship. that's just me. But it's a battle of the senses for sure I guess. So I guess you have to find a happy medium somehow. I really don't know the answer to that.