jump to last post 1-1 of 1 discussions (7 posts)

I'd like feedback on my Hub: Larretta's Story

  1. Maya Shedd Temple profile image88
    Maya Shedd Templeposted 22 months ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Larretta's Story. What can I do to improve my story? Thanks!

    1. Jodah profile image86
      Jodahposted 22 months ago in reply to this

      The story itself is a little strange, somewhat appealing but difficult to understand (for me anyway). You could add another photo as HP likes at least three. Also in the dialogue I found it a bit awkward....he's "gone"...she's "gone"...etc...sorry if I am not being encouraging but this is very different from some of your other writing.

      1. Maya Shedd Temple profile image88
        Maya Shedd Templeposted 22 months ago in reply to this

        Thanks, John!  It's helpful to know when something is not being understood by readers.  I appreciate your feedback.  From all the suggestions, I realize the story needs more work.

    2. Elsie Hagley profile image81
      Elsie Hagleyposted 22 months ago in reply to this

      I had trouble understanding what the story is all about.
      Maybe you could add some more text to the story, I feel it ends too soon.
      As its a funeral for flowers maybe you could add a poll, asking if anybody else has been to a funeral for flowers, even a video to add a little color to it.
      What's the bit about stopping for a pee, strange story.
      Looking forward to reading more.I left a comment on it.

      1. Maya Shedd Temple profile image88
        Maya Shedd Templeposted 22 months ago in reply to this

        Thank you, Elsie!  Guess the story needs more work.  Great idea about adding more text.

    3. Marisa Wright profile image94
      Marisa Wrightposted 22 months ago in reply to this

      I think you are trying to write in a "voice" appropriate to the character rather than your own, because the narrative is very colloquial (e.g. "she goes" instead of "she says").  Unfortunately, because you're not really getting us inside Laretta's head, it just reads as though you're uneducated! 

      I would suggest rewriting it more deeply in Laretta's point of view, maybe even in first person, so it's more obvious that's where the style comes from.

      The other thing I noticed was inconsistent tenses - sometimes present, sometimes past.  Again, this may be a deliberate choice to invoke a certain type of person, but it doesn't work IMO.

      As others have said, I struggled to see the point of the story, except perhaps as a character study of Laretta.

      1. Maya Shedd Temple profile image88
        Maya Shedd Templeposted 22 months ago in reply to this

        Thank you, Marisa!  Great idea about writing it in 1st person!  Guess I'll tinker with the story a bit more and post it again later.

 
working