I'd like feedback on my Hub: Electro/power-pop duo DROP OUT VEGAS are putting Ho

1. 60

   Cliff Fordposted 9 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Electro/power-pop duo DROP OUT VEGAS are putting Houston on the musical map. (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!

   replyreport
   1. 82

      theraggededgeposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, there are a lot of adjectives in your hub.
      
      Suggestions:
      
      1. Put the title into Title Case - it's a bit of a mish-mash. Think about shortening it.
      
      2. Your style is over-the-top and sounds a lot like hype. It's those adjectives and metaphorical verbs: 'searing' twice in the same sentence? Go through it and try to make it read less like a pastiche of New Musical Express.
      
      3. Every new band proclaims they are 'pushing the boundaries'. I know you are quoting them, but it's so unoriginal. "Pushing the boundaries of fun and catchy..." Is that possible? I thought we Brits did all that back in the 70s and 80s. You know, Black Lace with 'Agadoo'... and the rest. A bleak place indeed.
      
      4. Did you interview the band?  If so, describe your meeting. Where was it? How did they look? Mannerisms, etc. A lot of your hub consists of quotes. If you didn't get these quotes direct from the duo, then you need to make sure they aren't appearing elsewhere on the web - otherwise you will be penalized for copying.
      
      5. You spell Jason Bentch's name 'Brandt' in one place, and I thought I saw another variation, but can't see it now.
      
      6. "I really want to branch out and explore the world, grow my spirituality, and try my hand at altruism, acting, modeling...." Try his hand at 'altruism'? I'd leave it at acting and modeling, if I were you.
      
      Despite all the above, it's an interesting hub. You might try breaking up the big block of text with more photos. With improvement, it might make it past QAP
      
      Welcome to the critique department of HubPages

      replyreport
   2. 81

      NatashaLposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      First, let me welcome you to this corner of HubPages.  I'm learning my way around, myself, but all my Hubs thus far have passed the quality process the first time.  So I hope that some of my "newbie" advice helps you a bit.
      
      I think you cover an uncommon topic.  That's a good start.  You also have some good visuals that better introduce us to Drop Out Vegas.
      
      Some general impressions:
      
      *  Although I like the visuals, I think they could be spaced out better.   The main reason is to keep them from looking as if they were added on as an afterthought.  Incorporate them naturally, when they add to something you've said in your article.  The other reason is to break up the huge chunk of text.
      
      *  What is the Houston news anchor's name?  (I know because she used to be here.)  Her name is Deborah Duncan, not Debra.
      
      *  The first paragraph should tell us who Skyler James and Jason Bentch are.  Once you've told us what their roles are, you don't need to keep telling us that Jason Bentch is the drummer.  You told us in the first paragraph that the duo is based in Houston; then you tell us again in the next paragraph.
      
      *  Do you have permission to use your images?  I found one of them on the duo's official site, meaning that it's copyrighted.  You could get a stern letter and even a lawsuit if you use copyrighted images without permission. 
      
      *  The top blurb comes from the duo's Web site.  Be sure to always cite your sources.
      
      *  This sounds more like a press release than an introduction to the duo.   
      
      *  The style doesn't seem the same throughout this article, making me wonder whether you meant to collate reviews from other writers.  Again, if it's not your original content, you must cite your sources.  For example, if you got some of your material from the Houston Chronicle, you might say, "In an interview with the Houston Chronicle, Bentch remarked..."
      
      *  Be sure to carefully proofread for grammar and usage.
            1.   "While transforming Drop Out Vegas into a household name is priority number one for James and Bentch, Skyler personal goals and aspirations he plans to achieve in the future. "—  Unless you know the duo personally, you should use last names.  This sentence is wordy, and the bold portion doesn't make sense.  I would reword the sentence like this:  "Although the duo hopes to become a household name, James has his own goals for the future."  (Goals are aspirations.)
           2.  "Drop Out Vegas have been featured artists"—Since the members of the group are acting in unity, use a singular verb.  Further, we already know that Drop Out Vegas is an artist.  I would reword it like this:  "Drop Out Vegas has been featured..."
           3.  "Neither James nor Brandt have..." —Use a singular verb.  ("Neither James nor Brandt has...")
      
      *  I agree with theraggededge that this article uses too many adjectives.  "Show, don't tell."  Subjective adjectives are suitable for reviews, but your articles should be objective.
           1.  What makes Skyler James's vocals "inexhaustibly unique"?  Use a less subjective description, such as distinctive.  Does he have a raspy voice?  Is his vocal range unique among singers in his genre?   Those are quantifiable observations.
           2.  "Intense, thoughtful, intelligent and deeply emotional songwriters"—Find one good adjective rather than four.  Generally, you shouldn't use more than two adjectives. 
      
      ~~~~~~~
      This could become a useful Hub with enough TLC.  Good luck.

      replyreport
2. 54

   willmcwryterposted 9 years ago

   wow you don't even have a youbute vidoe. how will people know they don't suck nuggets without a vidoe?

   replyreport
   1. 82

      theraggededgeposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      There is a video - did you miss it?

      replyreport
   2. 81

      NatashaLposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I saw the video right away.
      
      I'm not sure how helpful a comment like this is to someone seeking constructive advice. 

      replyreport