I'd like feedback on my Hub: An Open Universal Science Fiction/Fantasy Story or

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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Hi Hubbers,

I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub An Open Universal Science Fiction/Fantasy Story or potential game! (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!
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  Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  There's a problem at the end. You should separate your long chunk of text into 4-or-5-sentence paragraphs. Check that your spelling and grammar are easy to understand. I can't even understand 40% of your sentences. I'm not saying your article is bad. That long block of text at the end should be separated into short paragraphs. Also, you have too few words, almost no images, and you must have at least 2 youtube videos, a table and a poll, or an equivalent-type capsule to complete the formula. Do this, and you'll pass the QAP with flying colors.
  Also, you can't promote yourself. It's against the rules. Haven't you read the HubPages FaQ or the TOS. It says you can't promote yourself on your hub.
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ml33posted 7 years ago
Hi! We actually would need to be signed in as you to see it.

Is there any way you could publish it. Even if it is eventually rejected - we should be able to see it for a few hours at least.
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  No, you just need to be signed in as you are. Click the link provided.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Is my link working or is there no interests at the moment?
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I took a quick look.
  
  The main problem is the section at the end. You are not allowed to self-promote on your Hubs, which means you can't invite people to contact or follow you. Polls are to ask a question about the subject of the Hub, not to ask questions about yourself or your other work. You need to remove all that.
  
  Other than that, I'm not sure what the purpose of the Hub is. You need an introductory paragraph to explain what it is. Also there are lots of issues with grammar - some of your sentences simply don't make sense.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Thanks for looking. I see what you mean up until you mentioned grammar and sentences that simply don't make sense? I believe I should probably re-arrange some words for sure, I just don't know why the grammar has lots of issues? Yes I won't try to publish a self promotion and poll there just testing it out for a first try, thank you again for the reply.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  take heed to rule
  come to form each closely
  appear visible to the unique image
  Time then was made to be manipulated to speed up as like the use of a treadmill
  
  None of the above structures make sense, and that's just a few.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I could have put 3 more "," in some places that I have now seen. That's all for now at least. If anyone can show me what else I may have missed I would appreciate that.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  So what do those phrases I've quoted mean? That's what I mean by bad grammar, because it's either bad grammar or you've got words in the wrong order accidentally.
  
  More examples:
  
  time then was made to be manipulated
  
  "Just only between the belt and Eko a gas planet was born to become Purl, which left over debris was rich around Purl and near the belt but the main only moon to be born to Purl at this time now is to become Poc." - that is completely incomprehensible.
  
  The god Chuck Boot when appeared to be visible helping in the hand
  
  All examples of phrases or sentences that are poorly constructed. I'm not sure if English isn't your first language, or if you're trying to create deliberately grand and flowery language and it's not working.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Ok just got your messages.... "Flowery" language if you want to put it. Not good for the audience?
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  If that's what you were trying to do, it failed, I'm afraid. Your new version doesn't make sense either. I suggest you stop trying to make things sound high-falutin' and write it the way you would say it.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds.
Is that any better or should I give this up?
Maybe it would only be better in audio for some people if they are interested?
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I think it works in your head, but is pretty much unintelligible to the rest of us. Try writing shorter sentences and then reading them aloud. You might also consider pasting the text into Grammarly and/or Hemingway, but that could cause even more confusion.
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  greenmindposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Cory, for what it's worth, you express yourself clearly in asking for advice and responding to it. In other words, your "everyday" voice is fine, but your "writerly" voice is hard to understand. You could consider writing as you speak, with language you would use in a conversation with someone.
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Good advice, Greenmind.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I believe I took the idea of my writing style from books and games that are quite decent at selling. I guess the ideas I have will not fit with that style and should take your advice on my common speaking voice which I will give a try thank you for all your replies.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I think you're trying to copy a grandiose writing style without understanding it. Even if you're going to use fancy words, the sentences still have to make sense! What you're doing is inserting extra words that make nonsense of the sentence.
  
  Take this sentence, for instance (your second attempt):
  
  "When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds."
  
  "appeared to be visible" is saying the same thing twice, and that changes the meaning. He either appeared or became visible. Same with "help in the hand" - it's conflating 'help' and 'giving a hand' and the result is, it's neither. Ditto "seem to appear".
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Marisa is right. Simpler the better. The very first article I submitted had many fancy words. It didn't pass the QAP.
I simplified the article later and worked on grammar and sentence construction. It worked then.
Fancy language sounds good but readers may find difficult to understand what you wanna portray. Not that they cannot understand. It's just that it sounds complicated.
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  Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  i second that.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
I would use "became visible" instead. I will be simplifying my sentences in the future for sure. To be honest I have read things without a problem that are like the first sentence I wrote, just maybe without as many words. I just don't how many people see it the same way. I will be busy with many other things, so won't be expecting to publish too soon yet anyway. Still feel free to further explain any problems if you want in your own time. (I do appreciate the examples of how it could be phrased most of all).
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I missed the word "know" in there.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I honestly can't understand the sentence I used as an example. Can you write it for me in plain English and maybe I can see where you're going wrong?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I believe I am not coming across as the common writer. The idea I have is not so plain, at least for this beginning. I was told recently that a picture or more likely diagram would be best suited for this, before getting further into my story. I'm working on getting that somehow on this computer before the story continues.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  No, I don't think that's your problem at all. I can understand your posts in this forum perfectly, so you speak good English, clearly. What's happening is that you're trying to make your language sound inflated and impressive and in the process, you're muddying the meaning completely.
  
  Have you tried speaking that sentence to someone? Can you hear how nonsensical it sounds?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Need to simplify it. Shorten or find better words to use to help understand what I mean to say in these sentences. I agree with this, though I would not use the word nonsensical to define how it sounds. At least to me sorry.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  If a sentence is composed of words that don't make sense, then it's nonsensical. non-sense, see? I'm afraid that's how it comes across at the moment.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I know where the word originates from, I've seen that. You can use that term for that reason alone if you want. I was thinking more, that you can still make sense of the sentence. Or see sense in the meaning behind it. If that's all you mean't by it, then I can understand.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  No, I can't make sense of the sentence, that's my point.
  
  I have a vague idea the sentence means that the god Chuck Boot is somehow using an asteroid to create new worlds. But it took several re-reads of the paragraph to get that far. You'll notice Raggededge called it unintelligible and someone else called it hard to understand, so I don't think I'm alone in that.
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  No, that's what we're telling you - we can't make sense of it. We don't know what it means.
  
  "When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds."
  
  What's the 'hand of systems'?
  What's 'basic origins' in this context?
  Is this God physically holding an asteroid?
  What's a physical guiding remote? 'Remote' means 'at a distance'. Are you trying to say it is like a remote control?
  What does 'seed the cells' mean. How can you scientifically 'seed a cell'?
  What's 'preferred suitable nature to the worlds'? What worlds? What suitable nature? How can you put preferred and suitable next to each other in a sentence and have them make sense?
  
  Can you see that your meaning isn't clear? You can't have your readers scratching their heads trying to decipher meaning. It's your job, as a writer, to give meaning. To clarify.
  
  I've read it over and over and this is what I think it means.
  
  "Chuck Boot appeared as a god, holding a massive rock. He waved the rock around a bit and created worlds." Is that close?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Yes I may have expected some people to know what I meant, Remote was a remote control. I myself quite frequently read other published writing over and over to understand it, I should not expect everyone to understand. I get the point. If I want many readers I will have to go further in detail for them. That is okay I was waiting for just that particular crowd for the moment, maybe a very extremely small one though. I was taking a risk with that and learning much more. Thank you, I will need more details for the readers.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Also I am trying to get the reader to really use a great amount of imagination for the opening story-line.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  "Chuck Boot appeared as a god, holding a massive rock. He waved the rock around a bit and created worlds." Is that close? To answer your question there, that is close... the rock doesn't have to be massive exactly, and the remote control is basically just magnetically attracting objects by control and assisting the births and growth of star systems.
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  Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  A-F-List movies need some kind of imagination behind it. The Transformers series of movies are mainly rated "D" because of the way its set up. Guardians of the Galaxy is an "A" for great action. I dont know what to call your article.
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  That's a step too far. *Your* imagination has to create pictures for their mind. It should be effortless for your reader. You have to get them to see what you see. I read books as if they are mind-movies. If the writing gets in the way, it's a big turn-off.
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  Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  i concurr with what she said. imaginative writing is how books are created. when i read "The Host," i imagined alien invaders finding a host body. The story of Melanie and Wanderer really captivated my attention. improper grammar aside, you can't really expect people to be captivated if all you have are unclear references, grammar errors, and underwhelming amounts of imagination. your article needs major improvement before passing the QAP. isnt that true, everyone?
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  There is a difference between getting readers to use their imagination - which means they read the words and it creates a picture in their minds - and leaving them puzzling over what the words mean. You encourage readers to use their IMAGination by using words that evoke an IMAGE in their heads, which they can then build on. It's up to you to paint the picture.
  
  When you read your words, you do see the picture, but that's because you already know what the picture is. We're telling you that your words aren't painting a picture for other people - not even close.
  
  If you're not here to make money, but just to get started with writing your novel, then you might do better joining a group like CritiqueCircle.com (the free membership is enough). You could start by posting your story synopsis (as you've given it here) in the Science Fiction section. That way you'll reach science fiction fans and they will give you their opinions.
  
  You would find this course helpful:
  http://www.writesf.com/
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Alright, "your words aren't painting a picture for other people - not even close".
  They have been close, as a friend of mine has noticed, so I wouldn't really say that. I would like to get around to making money at some point, as I am only starting to once again collect a small income if it works out by Monday. Finally, thank you for suggesting those websites they sound good and I could get around to looking at them. You have been some help.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Yeah, I realize it is unique, which is what I was originally going for but it won't work well for the majority of readers as I learn, that is why I understand to simplify all this. Maybe there should be a new class introduced? If not then I hope to find out what could fit best at least. Ivan I was making something different, if most people don't like to read for the reasons I feel interested to read and accept as that is fine, I will be improving this for the people. (The imagination I had reading what I wrote was clear after a slow read and break to think). I now know that's not what people want to be doing at all, unless there is people that wouldn't mind. That's not the best thing though, I will be finding a way to make it simple.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  In a way what I mean is that I do not enforce it as a complete made movie from me to the reader, as I give them the idea to see things from their own view how they think it may look, even if they think over and over about different scenarios. That's how I was accepting my story in the first place. It may be a bit much so I won't go that far just like theraggededge has mentioned.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  If I didn't make it clear at all, sorry I might not have done, I was trying to hope for a reader with near the same level of experience, taste and mind. If I don't find enough people like that, it's okay I learn that I can attempt to change things to see if the story can still be interesting and understood more easily as well.
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Marisa Wrightposted 7 years ago
Cory, I just glanced at your profile. This is what you've written:

"I am here to show what I can bring to interest people into something new that pleases our relevant tastes."

That sentence is truly awful. It's stilted, unnatural, and makes you sound like English is a foreign language and you've barely got the hang of it.

Why do you feel you have to write that way, when your forum posts show you can write intelligently and clearly?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  That is just my unique natural writing style that comes into mind, used for some odd occasions. Grabbing attention as it has done. Just because it doesn't sound intelligent to some people does not mean it is completely wrong. To be honest I thought it had shown character. The fun of it. I would not always use words like that, on occasions I do feel like expressing things differently.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Yes, it might make me sound foreign I see that is what I accept and I do not mind.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  If you think I would publish my writing this way. I would not do that, this is only a way to get attention started.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  That's up to you. But frankly, if I hadn't read your intelligent posts here on the forums and had only read that profile sentence and your Hub, I'd just think you were up yourself (an Aussie expression, but maybe Kiwis use it too?), and wouldn't bother coming back to read more.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Okay fair enough, that is the thing... People can perceive things differently to one another, someone may find it stuck up, while the thoughts of another are, hey what are you interested in? I know it would be silly to think I can please or attract the whole world of people.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I do know that I come across hard to understand, maybe because most people could be unchangeable in their personality.(I am not confident if that is true, though) I am flexible in that particular way, I might think. Sometimes I forget that people strongly assume who you are in a first quick impression too. (I do not do this, at least most of the time).
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Cory, you seem to think that there is a special elite group of people who will love and understand your writing. I'm afraid you are under some kind of delusion. The people here, giving you advice, have been professional writers for years. We know what works.
  
  Your writing, and in particular your sentence construction, is unreadable - by anyone. If one of your friends is telling you your work is 'painting pictures', then they are just being nice to you.
  
  The way you are writing here in the forum, is how you should be writing *all the time*. Simple construction, simple language. Here are the golden rules:
  
  Don't use a long word when a short one will do.
  Reduce the use of adjectives (mostly words that end in 'ly'). Instead use a stronger verb. Example: He walked quickly across the room vs He strode across the room.
  Use short sentences most of the time.
  Ask, am I making sense to the reader?
  Read, read, read. In your preferred genre and beyond. And, as you read, pay attention to the writing and sentence construction.
  
  Hope that will give you some pointers.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I wouldn't say special elite, just an uncommon like-minded person at least. I did not expect a lot of people to understand my way, so the reality is I was taking a risk to try and see if I can find someone in the public that would be on that level. No expectations for the majority. If most people want to always follow certain rules to writing as you do here, I am open to learning to write a new way, (you could say it is the more common way too, as my estimation, I just can't say what is the most common, to be honest) not to say that I haven't seen and taken notes from a lot of writing I have come across in the past. They are not all the same style. Good examples of the golden rules you have there, I will consider writing in the future and I will go for it. It does depend on the reader if I make sense to them or not since I have noticed with a few people. I am happy to have the pointers you have given here also, thank you.
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  psycheskinnerposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Bad grammar is just bad grammar, it prevents your sentences from making sense to any reader. If you want to evolve as a writer, stop making excuses and learn your craft. Once you know correct grammar, then deliberate deviations from it can be called "style".
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  What exactly is the bad grammar you are talking about? I have tried to explain the truth, not make any excuses.
  If there is the bad grammar for me to view I will check it out when I have time to, though so far no one has explained or convinced me enough to really see huge problems.
  Yes, there might be only one way to write a certain guideline or rule. To me, it doesn't have to be that strict. I could still learn to make it this the way as you wish me to write or just give up if no one has the ability to really help me to help them too.
  My whole purpose was creative writing to be clear if that means anything.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Yes, we all get that it's creative writing. Creative writing does not mean, create your own rules for the English language (which is what you seem intent on doing). It means using the English language to paint pictures and create new ideas.
  
  Have you tried checking your sentences with a grammar checker like Grammarly?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Yes I have checked on Grammarly, I have only missed a few hyphens and need a space in one of my words, maybe some capitals too, there are a few little things, nothing major to correct. I don't see a huge issue but I know I need to simplify things for sure and include a direct exciting story for most people to read.
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  Marisa Wrightposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Hmm. I confess I've never tried Grammarly myself but I'd have expected it to find more than that.
  
  Hemingway is the other alternative. I just tried your text in that. It confirms everything I've been saying.
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Cory, put your text on Hemingway editor and check. It works on desktop. Press 'control A' and delete the existing content on Hemingway. Then paste your content. Even that's good for editing. BTW, you are quite a catch. Look at the endless discussion on your thread.
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Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years ago
Cory. Your thread is the catch of the day. Normally, I would be jealous, but life has taught me that jealousy is not the answer to anything. I posted a topic on that subject which got 50-something posts in total, and thats Legendary, so that's good. With a little practice, your hub could get featured on HubPages. It takes days to learn, but years to master. Just remember to always try your hardest. Makes sure you are in your comfort zone before starting your article. Make sure you start with an SEO title. Search Engine Optimization articles usually get hundreds, if not thousands of views per day. I had an article that had almost 300 views in less than 7 days moved to a niche site because of HubPro Basic. So, it is possible to improve your article. You just have to convey the imagination of many more Hubbers out there, including me.

I hope I didn't break the rules here.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Thank you, that was good input.
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
@ Marisa: That's the reason why I suggested him to try Hemingway.
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  Ivan Hernandezposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I've never tried Hemingway for my articles before. Maybe I will try that in the future, if possible.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Thanks for telling me what you have so far. I don't have time to respond to each statement made of course. Hemingway has shown to me what I would expect and I used another person's published article on this site to see how some people do with Hemingway. They have also got so much to correct (I have no problem with their article at all), though not as much as myself for sure. One last thing I did was type in random words that were completely senseless and the results came up Good level 0. Tried more words and still found it difficult to make it become: Very hard to read in red highlight. I got it to Yellow though. Anything else I have not tried yet on Hemingway though? Just wondering, thanks.
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Hey if anyone would find the time would you please let me know if you can understand what I have now typed up with my link at the top? Has it changed at all since the last time at least?
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Page does not exist error.
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Use the the link sent by qap in the email.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Okay, I think... I had to publish it and I have no email on what I have done just yet, am I meant to get another?
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
We can access that now, but I am afraid I could not understand your writing. It's very hard to intercept.
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theraggededgeposted 7 years ago
Congratulations on your perseverance, Cory.

Now, what exactly is an 'omnipotent'? How can an adjective be a noun? It has to be an 'omnipotent something'. For example, an 'omnipotent force'.

That's my contribution. This thread is going to get amusing again, I'm sure

Edit... who named the region of space the Vari Group? Space can't name itself. So who is observing and naming?
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
@theraggededge
Lol. You have already made it amusing. You comment excellently
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Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
Yes, my post may cause a lot of interaction again. I am getting mixed views from people, I wonder what that tells me. I have been showing it to other places online. I might just have to see after this weekend what happens, as I am relying on one very experienced person with my work. I might just naturally not like making it simple as it could be.
Omnipotent is like the highest form of a God. I have no problem using your example instead. I don't think it has to be particularly this only, but yes I would accept that you could put it that way.
The part about the region of space... says "soon" I just gave it an early introduction. The name would be noted by the three deities though. (I hope this is fun still).
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Well, I use to read about an Omnipotent being the highest as a noun. (So I imagine it is straight from the games I have played). I only discovered the dictionary stating it as a describing word, so I may have to go and change that after all. I will just use those words instead "omnipotent force". The funny thing for some people maybe is that the meaning of this word disappoints me as I would have used it as a much higher form over a sentient, which actually is a describing word as well, even though I have heard this from games as words to name things.
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Nope, it's a 'sentient being', or 'it became sentient'. It is not a noun, it's an adjective.
  
  When you lose sight of sentence structure, it makes your writing too hard to understand. You may well have seen this on games, but in an article it is completely incorrect and only serves to cause confusion (and dismay).
  
  It's possible that you might have seen such things as 'The Sentients', I suppose. That would make sense, as an invented collective noun. However, then you would be using someone else's created designation.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Alright, I will have much more to work on to fix it up and make it more clear, I agree there. Are we not all using a source from others though?
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I would like your opinions again here....I am taking my ideal story in a new perspective and I think of it as a more simple moment of focus, if I can say that. How does this part of the story sound...
  Manifestations of three deities who are not yet visible suddenly approach the new galactic group. Each individual force moved separately to a galaxy of its own.
  The force closest to the irregular galaxy became still for a short moment. The next moment bright and dusty light started to shape and form this visual deity.
  The brightest light was rapidly going dim and displaying the appearance of this supreme entity that had a muscular humanoid head with antennae. The body appearing like a thick slug whose tail would stretch thin at the end. (A flickering glow illuminates from an acorn shaped attachment at the tip end of the tail).
  The deity proudly gave an announcement telepathically of an enormous radius covering enough space across each of the three galaxies, with the English translated words “I am.. Sir Pent”.
  
  Anything you can point out that doesn't make sense. I will take a look at it.
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pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Page does not exist error.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Don't worry about the link at the top just for now. I mean the words in my post is a part of the story, do you think that is readable to many people?
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  psycheskinnerposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  No, for many reason, including inconsistent tense and excessive vagueness.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Okay, I would be interested to see how you would word my ideas. That may help if you have a little time to spare.
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  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Suddenly an unknown omnipotent force begins to release three separate other-dimensional deities which are invisible.
  
  This happens in a split second, as some warped waves display through the void of space. Though they were only mere ripples, these three manifesting forces began to surf towards a galaxy where each one engaged upon.
  
  In a short moment of time, each force arrived closest to a top corner of their unique galaxy and came to a quick and easy rest.
  
  The very next moment, each force emitted a bright and dusty light.
  
  The three bright lights started to become significantly dim and reveal the appearance of each deity, who began to shape themselves by attempting to reflect on their acquired galaxy, which eventually, they became visible and easily distinguishable.
  
  With their ability, they could disappear and reappear at will, during any moment of time.
  (Is this piece easier to read?)
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  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  It is much easier. At least the reader can work out what's going on.
  
  You could make it better with stronger verbs and by cutting out waffle:
  
  "begins to release" - releases
  
  "three separate other-dimensional deities which are invisible." - three invisible, other-dimensional, deities.
  
  "This happens in a split second, as some warped waves display through the void of space." - In a split second, warped waves move through the space void.
  
  Always look for the tightest, shortest way of writing something. Then you can embellish, if necessary (it usually isn't).
  
  "The three bright lights started to become significantly dim and reveal the appearance of each deity, who began to shape themselves by attempting to reflect on their acquired galaxy, which eventually, they became visible and easily distinguishable. "
  
  The three lights dimmed to reveal the appearance of the deities. They each shaped themselves according to their own galaxy. One took on the shape of... (explain their shapes).
  
  Short and sharp. No waffle. Lose the references to time. There is no time. This is all happening almost simultaneously. You don't need, "In a short moment of time," "The very next moment." "Started to become." "began." "became". Not necessary. Instead, this thing happens, that thing happens... the reader can work out the time frame because writing is linear.
  reply report
  60
  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  I was going to do more editing of those words that have a few states of time after I already posted this, though you have given me something better to think about.
  
  I always thought the readers wanted more details. Glad I can write like this. Thank you for this response. (I was also worried about too many adjectives before a noun, so I thought I should add more words to separate them and make the flow sound better, maybe I don't have to).
  
  One more thing though, I might make a reference to time once in a while in my story as I thought of it to be more necessary. The reason you are referring to my post though, I can definitely understand this. Thanks again for your reply.
  reply report
  86
  theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  More detail can be given with fewer words. Unnecessary words weaken your writing. They become lost in a fog of adjectives. One strong verb can do the work of three adjectives. Choose words as if they are jewels, then let them shine.
  
  I just made that up, but it sounds good.
  reply report
70
srirad0675posted 7 years ago
Yes, it does.
reply report
60
Cory Hineposted 7 years ago
I took theraggededge's idea for stronger words and the short, sharp sentences and I am satisfied with my latest introduction now.

I have a sample that I would like to use to continue a story for the future and would like to know any point of view of this introduction summary. (I wrote this piece before I fixed up my main Introduction story).

How is this?

It was a time in the distant future of a galaxy named Sphersea…

Floating city localities have recently settled, though wildlife is too quiet in the skies of a young and civilized crowd of winged-beings. This is a crowd who call themselves the Bidel race.

Three Bidel rogue poachers are on the loose, as settling citizens try to adopt the creatures on the surface world.

The mission of the sky-high citizens’ arrangement to tame, collect, breed and accompany the critters below barely proceeds as they will be taken by surprise from the three rogues.

Meanwhile, these rogues will seem to prove they are more than a mere issue towards just a few families that scout nearby…

Will there even be any likely saviours?

Only the time beyond may tell…
reply report
0
pen promulgatesposted 7 years ago
Can't say about the sentence construction, but I could understand your writing and the message too. It sounds like a thriller.
reply report
1. 60
  Cory Hineposted 7 years agoin reply to this
  Okay, thank you.
  reply report

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