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I'd like feedback on my Hub: An Open Universal Science Fiction/Fantasy Story or

  1. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub An Open Universal Science Fiction/Fantasy Story or potential game! (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!

    1. Ivan Hernandez profile image90
      Ivan Hernandezposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      There's a problem at the end. You should separate your long chunk of text into 4-or-5-sentence paragraphs. Check that your spelling and grammar are  easy to understand. I can't even understand 40% of your sentences. I'm not saying your article is bad. That long block of text at the end should be separated into short paragraphs. Also, you have too few words, almost no images, and you must have at least 2 youtube videos, a table and a poll, or an equivalent-type capsule to complete the formula. Do this, and you'll pass the QAP with flying colors.
      Also, you can't promote yourself. It's against the rules. Haven't you read the HubPages FaQ or the TOS. It says you can't promote yourself on your hub.

  2. ml33 profile image76
    ml33posted 4 months ago

    Hi! We actually would need to be signed in as you to see it.

    Is there any way you could publish it.  Even if it is eventually rejected - we should be able to see it for a few hours at least.

    1. theraggededge profile image99
      theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      No, you just need to be signed in as you are. Click the link provided.

  3. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Is my link working or is there no interests at the moment?

    1. Marisa Wright profile image100
      Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      I took a quick look.

      The main problem is the section at the end.  You are not allowed to self-promote on your Hubs, which means you can't invite people to contact or follow you.  Polls are to ask a question about the subject of the Hub, not to ask questions about yourself or your other work. You need to remove all that.

      Other than that, I'm not sure what the purpose of the Hub is.  You need an introductory paragraph to explain what it is.  Also there are lots of issues with grammar - some of your sentences simply don't make sense.

      1. Cory Hine profile image61
        Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        Thanks for looking. I see what you mean up until you mentioned grammar and sentences that simply don't make sense? I believe I should probably re-arrange some words for sure, I just don't know why the grammar has lots of issues? Yes I won't try to publish a self promotion and poll there just testing it out for a first try, thank you again for the reply.

        1. Marisa Wright profile image100
          Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          take heed to rule
          come to form each closely
          appear visible to the unique image
          Time then was made to be manipulated to speed up as like the use of a treadmill


          None of the above structures make sense, and that's just a few.

        2. Cory Hine profile image61
          Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          I could have put 3 more "," in some places that I have now seen. That's all for now at least. If anyone can show me what else I may have missed I would appreciate that.

          1. Marisa Wright profile image100
            Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

            So what do those phrases I've quoted mean?   That's what I mean by bad grammar, because it's either bad grammar or you've got words in the wrong order accidentally. 

            More examples:

            time then was made to be manipulated

            "Just only between the belt and Eko a gas planet was born to become Purl, which left over debris was rich around Purl and near the belt but the main only moon to be born to Purl at this time now is to become Poc." - that is completely incomprehensible.

            The god Chuck Boot when appeared to be visible helping in the hand

            All examples of phrases or sentences that are poorly constructed.  I'm not sure if English isn't your first language, or if you're trying to create deliberately grand and flowery language and it's not working.

  4. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Ok just got your messages.... "Flowery" language if you want to put it. Not good for the audience?

    1. Marisa Wright profile image100
      Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      If that's what you were trying to do, it failed, I'm afraid.  Your new version doesn't make sense either.  I suggest you stop trying to make things sound high-falutin' and write it the way you would say it.

  5. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds.
    Is that any better or should I give this up?
    Maybe it would only be better in audio for some people if they are interested?

    1. theraggededge profile image99
      theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      I think it works in your head, but is pretty much unintelligible to the rest of us. Try writing shorter sentences and then reading them aloud. You might also consider pasting the text into Grammarly and/or Hemingway, but that could cause even more confusion.

    2. greenmind profile image96
      greenmindposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      Cory, for what it's worth, you express yourself clearly in asking for advice and responding to it. In other words, your "everyday" voice is fine, but your "writerly" voice is hard to understand. You could consider writing as you speak, with language you would use in a conversation with someone.

      1. theraggededge profile image99
        theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        Good advice, Greenmind.

      2. Cory Hine profile image61
        Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        I believe I took the idea of my writing style from books and games that are quite decent at selling. I guess the ideas I have will not fit with that style and should take your advice on my common speaking voice which I will give a try thank you for all your replies.

        1. Marisa Wright profile image100
          Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          I think you're trying to copy a grandiose writing style without understanding it.    Even if you're going to use fancy words, the sentences still have to make sense!   What you're doing is inserting extra words that make nonsense of the sentence.

          Take this sentence, for instance (your second attempt):

          "When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds."

          "appeared to be visible" is saying the same thing twice, and that changes the meaning.  He either appeared or became visible.  Same with "help in the hand" - it's conflating 'help' and 'giving a hand' and the result is, it's neither.   Ditto "seem to appear".

  6. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    Marisa is right. Simpler the better. The  very first article I submitted had many fancy words. It didn't pass the QAP.
    I simplified the article later and worked on grammar and sentence construction. It worked then.
    Fancy language sounds good but readers may find difficult to understand what you wanna portray. Not that they cannot understand. It's just that it sounds complicated.

    1. Ivan Hernandez profile image90
      Ivan Hernandezposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      i second that.

  7. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    I would use "became visible" instead. I will be simplifying my sentences in the future for sure. To be honest I have read things without a problem that are like the first sentence I wrote, just maybe without as many words. I just don't how many people see it the same way. I will be busy with many other things, so won't be expecting to publish too soon yet anyway. Still feel free to further explain any problems if you want in your own time. (I do appreciate the examples of how it could be phrased most of all).

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      I missed the word "know" in there.

      1. Marisa Wright profile image100
        Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        I honestly can't understand the sentence I used as an example.  Can you write it for me in plain English and maybe I can see where you're going wrong?

        1. Cory Hine profile image61
          Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          I believe I am not coming across as the common writer. The idea I have is not so plain, at least for this beginning. I was told recently that a picture or more likely diagram would be best suited for this, before getting further into my story. I'm working on getting that somehow on this computer before the story continues.

          1. Marisa Wright profile image100
            Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

            No, I don't think that's your problem at all.  I can understand your posts in this forum perfectly, so you speak good English, clearly.  What's happening is that you're trying to make your language sound inflated and impressive and in the process, you're muddying the meaning completely. 

            Have you tried speaking that sentence to someone?  Can you hear how nonsensical it sounds?

            1. Cory Hine profile image61
              Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

              Need to simplify it. Shorten or find better words to use to help understand what I mean to say in these sentences. I agree with this, though I would not use the word nonsensical to define how it sounds. At least to me sorry.

              1. Marisa Wright profile image100
                Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                If a sentence is composed of words that don't make sense, then it's nonsensical.  non-sense, see?  I'm afraid that's how it comes across at the moment.

                1. Cory Hine profile image61
                  Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                  I know where the word originates from, I've seen that. You can use that term for that reason alone if you want. I was thinking more, that you can still make sense of the sentence. Or see sense in the meaning behind it. If that's all you mean't by it, then I can understand.

                  1. Marisa Wright profile image100
                    Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                    No, I can't make sense of the sentence, that's my point. 

                    I have a vague idea the sentence means that the god Chuck Boot is somehow using an asteroid to create new worlds.  But it took several re-reads of the paragraph to get that far.  You'll notice Raggededge called it unintelligible and someone else called it hard to understand, so I don't think I'm alone in that.

                  2. theraggededge profile image99
                    theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                    No, that's what we're telling you - we can't make sense of it. We don't know what it means.

                    "When the god Chuck Boot appeared to be visible to help in the hand of systems, worlds, creations or basic origins, this deity had a firmly held asteroid that seem to appear as a physical guiding remote to seed the cells for preferred suitable nature to the worlds."

                    What's the 'hand of systems'?
                    What's 'basic origins' in this context?
                    Is this God physically holding an asteroid?
                    What's a physical guiding remote? 'Remote' means 'at a distance'. Are you trying to say it is like a remote control?
                    What does 'seed the cells' mean. How can you scientifically 'seed a cell'?
                    What's 'preferred suitable nature to the worlds'? What worlds? What suitable nature? How can you put preferred and suitable next to each other in a sentence and have them make sense?

                    Can you see that your meaning isn't clear? You can't have your readers scratching their heads trying to decipher meaning. It's your job, as a writer, to give meaning. To clarify.

                    I've read it over and over and this is what I think it means.

                    "Chuck Boot appeared as a god, holding a massive rock. He waved the rock around a bit and created worlds." Is that close?

  8. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Yeah, I realize it is unique, which is what I was originally going for but it won't work well for the majority of readers as I learn, that is why I understand to simplify all this. Maybe there should be a new class introduced? If not then I hope to find out what could fit best at least. Ivan I was making something different, if most people don't like to read for the reasons I feel interested to read and accept as that is fine, I will be improving this for the people. (The imagination I had reading what I wrote was clear after a slow read and break to think). I now know that's not what people want to be doing at all, unless there is people that wouldn't mind. That's not the best thing though, I will be finding a way to make it simple.

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      In a way what I mean is that I do not enforce it as a complete made movie from me to the reader, as I give them the idea to see things from their own view how they think it may look, even if they think over and over about different scenarios. That's how I was accepting my story in the first place. It may be a bit much so I won't go that far just like theraggededge has mentioned.

      1. Cory Hine profile image61
        Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        If I didn't make it clear at all, sorry I might not have done, I was trying to hope for a reader with near the same level of experience, taste and mind. If I don't find enough people like that, it's okay I learn that I can attempt to change things to see if the story can still be interesting and understood more easily as well.

  9. Marisa Wright profile image100
    Marisa Wrightposted 4 months ago

    Cory, I just glanced at your profile.  This is what you've written:

    "I am here to show what I can bring to interest people into something new that pleases our relevant tastes."

    That sentence is truly awful.  It's stilted, unnatural, and makes you sound like English is a foreign language and you've barely got the hang of it. 

    Why do you feel you have to write that way, when your forum posts show you can write intelligently and clearly?

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      That is just my unique natural writing style that comes into mind, used for some odd occasions. Grabbing attention as it has done. Just because it doesn't sound intelligent to some people does not mean it is completely wrong. To be honest I thought it had shown character. The fun of it. I would not always use words like that, on occasions I do feel like expressing things differently.

      1. Cory Hine profile image61
        Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        Yes, it might make me sound foreign I see that is what I accept and I do not mind.

        1. Cory Hine profile image61
          Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          If you think I would publish my writing this way. I would not do that, this is only a way to get attention started.

          1. Marisa Wright profile image100
            Marisa Wrightposted 4 months agoin reply to this

            That's up to you.  But frankly, if I hadn't read your intelligent posts here on the forums and had only read that profile sentence and your Hub, I'd just think you were up yourself (an Aussie expression, but maybe Kiwis use it too?), and wouldn't bother coming back to read more.

            1. Cory Hine profile image61
              Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

              Okay fair enough, that is the thing... People can perceive things differently to one another, someone may find it stuck up, while the thoughts of another are, hey what are you interested in? I know it would be silly to think I can please or attract the whole world of people.

              1. Cory Hine profile image61
                Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                I do know that I come across hard to understand, maybe because most people could be unchangeable in their personality.(I am not confident if that is true, though) I am flexible in that particular way,  I might think. Sometimes I forget that people strongly assume who you are in a first quick impression too. (I do not do this, at least most of the time).

                1. theraggededge profile image99
                  theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                  Cory, you seem to think that there is a special elite group of people who will love and understand your writing. I'm afraid you are under some kind of delusion. The people here, giving you advice, have been professional writers for years. We know what works.

                  Your writing, and in particular your sentence construction, is unreadable - by anyone. If one of your friends is telling you your work is 'painting pictures', then they are just being nice to you.

                  The way you are writing here in the forum, is how you should be writing *all the time*. Simple construction, simple language. Here are the golden rules:

                  Don't use a long word when a short one will do.
                  Reduce the use of adjectives (mostly words that end in 'ly'). Instead use a stronger verb. Example: He walked quickly across the room vs He strode across the room.
                  Use short sentences most of the time.
                  Ask, am I making sense to the reader?
                  Read, read, read. In your preferred genre and beyond. And, as you read, pay attention to the writing and sentence construction.

                  Hope that will give you some pointers.

                  1. Cory Hine profile image61
                    Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

                    I wouldn't say special elite, just an uncommon like-minded person at least. I did not expect a lot of people to understand my way, so the reality is I was taking a risk to try and see if I can find someone in the public that would be on that level. No expectations for the majority. If most people want to always follow certain rules to writing as you do here, I am open to learning to write a new way, (you could say it is the more common way too, as my estimation, I just can't say what is the most common, to be honest) not to say that I haven't seen and taken notes from a lot of writing I have come across in the past. They are not all the same style. Good examples of the golden rules you have there, I will consider writing in the future and I will go for it. It does depend on the reader if I make sense to them or not since I have noticed with a few people. I am happy to have the pointers you have given here also, thank you.

  10. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    Cory, put your text on Hemingway editor and check. It works on desktop. Press 'control A' and delete the existing content on Hemingway. Then paste your content. Even that's good for editing. BTW, you are quite a catch. Look at the endless discussion on your thread. smile

  11. Ivan Hernandez profile image90
    Ivan Hernandezposted 4 months ago

    Cory. Your thread is the catch of the day. Normally, I would be jealous, but life has taught me that jealousy is not the answer to anything. I posted a topic on that subject which got 50-something posts in total, and thats Legendary, so that's good. With a little practice, your hub could get featured on HubPages. It takes days to learn, but years to master. Just remember to always try your hardest. Makes sure you are in your comfort zone before starting your article. Make sure you start with an SEO title. Search Engine Optimization articles usually get hundreds, if not thousands of views per day. I had an article that had almost 300 views in less than 7 days moved to a niche site because of HubPro Basic. So, it is possible to improve your article. You just have to convey the imagination of many more Hubbers out there, including me.

    I hope I didn't break the rules here.

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      Thank you, that was good input.

  12. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    @ Marisa: That's the reason why I suggested him to try Hemingway. smile

    1. Ivan Hernandez profile image90
      Ivan Hernandezposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      I've never tried Hemingway for my articles before. Maybe I will try that in the future, if possible.

  13. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Thanks for telling me what you have so far. I don't have time to respond to each statement made of course. Hemingway has shown to me what I would expect and I used another person's published article on this site to see how some people do with Hemingway. They have also got so much to correct (I have no problem with their article at all), though not as much as myself for sure. One last thing I did was type in random words that were completely senseless and the results came up Good level 0. Tried more words and still found it difficult to make it become: Very hard to read in red highlight. I got it to Yellow though. Anything else I have not tried yet on Hemingway though? Just wondering, thanks.

  14. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Hey if anyone would find the time would you please let me know if you can understand what I have now typed up with my link at the top? Has it changed at all since the last time at least?

  15. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    Page does not exist error.

  16. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    Use the the link sent by qap in the email.

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      Okay, I think... I had to publish it and I have no email on what I have done just yet, am I meant to get another?

  17. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    We can access that now, but I am afraid I could not understand your writing. It's very hard to intercept.

  18. theraggededge profile image99
    theraggededgeposted 4 months ago

    Congratulations on your perseverance, Cory.

    Now, what exactly is an 'omnipotent'? How can an adjective be a noun? It has to be an 'omnipotent something'. For example, an 'omnipotent force'.

    That's my contribution. This thread is going to get amusing again, I'm sure smile

    Edit... who named the region of space the Vari Group? Space can't name itself. So who is observing and naming?

  19. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    @theraggededge
    Lol. You have already made it amusing. You comment excellently smile

  20. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 4 months ago

    Yes, my post may cause a lot of interaction again. I am getting mixed views from people, I wonder what that tells me. I have been showing it to other places online. I might just have to see after this weekend what happens, as I am relying on one very experienced person with my work. I might just naturally not like making it simple as it could be.
    Omnipotent is like the highest form of a God. I have no problem using your example instead. I don't think it has to be particularly this only, but yes I would accept that you could put it that way.
    The part about the region of space... says "soon" I just gave it an early introduction. The name would be noted by the three deities though. (I hope this is fun still).

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      Well, I use to read about an Omnipotent being the highest as a noun. (So I imagine it is straight from the games I have played). I only discovered the dictionary stating it as a describing word, so I may have to go and change that after all. I will just use those words instead "omnipotent force". The funny thing for some people maybe is that the meaning of this word disappoints me as I would have used it as a much higher form over a sentient, which actually is a describing word as well, even though I have heard this from games as words to name things.

      1. theraggededge profile image99
        theraggededgeposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        Nope, it's a 'sentient being', or 'it became sentient'. It is not a noun, it's an adjective.

        When you lose sight of sentence structure, it makes your writing too hard to understand. You may well have seen this on games, but in an article it is completely incorrect and only serves to cause confusion (and dismay).

        It's possible that you might have seen such things as 'The Sentients', I suppose. That would make sense, as an invented collective noun. However, then you would be using someone else's created designation.

        1. Cory Hine profile image61
          Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          Alright, I will have much more to work on to fix it up and make it more clear, I agree there. Are we not all using a source from others though?

          1. Cory Hine profile image61
            Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

            I would like your opinions again here....I am taking my ideal story in a new perspective and I think of it as a more simple moment of focus, if I can say that.  How does this part of the story sound... 
            Manifestations of three deities who are not yet visible suddenly approach the new galactic group. Each individual force moved separately to a galaxy of its own.
            The force closest to the irregular galaxy became still for a short moment. The next moment bright and dusty light started to shape and form this visual deity.
            The brightest light was rapidly going dim and displaying the appearance of this supreme entity that had a muscular humanoid head with antennae. The body appearing like a thick slug whose tail would stretch thin at the end. (A flickering glow illuminates from an acorn shaped attachment at the tip end of the tail).
            The deity proudly gave an announcement telepathically of an enormous radius covering enough space across each of the three galaxies, with the English translated words “I am.. Sir Pent”.

            Anything you can point out that doesn't make sense. I will take a look at it.

  21. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 4 months ago

    Page does not exist error.

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

      Don't worry about the link at the top just for now. I mean the words in my post is a part of the story, do you think that is readable to many people?

      1. psycheskinner profile image83
        psycheskinnerposted 4 months agoin reply to this

        No, for many reason, including inconsistent tense and excessive vagueness.

        1. Cory Hine profile image61
          Cory Hineposted 4 months agoin reply to this

          Okay, I would be interested to see how you would word my ideas. That may help if you have a little time to spare.

          1. Cory Hine profile image61
            Cory Hineposted 3 months agoin reply to this

            Suddenly an unknown omnipotent force begins to release three separate other-dimensional deities which are invisible.

            This happens in a split second, as some warped waves display through the void of space. Though they were only mere ripples, these three manifesting forces began to surf towards a galaxy where each one engaged upon.

            In a short moment of time, each force arrived closest to a top corner of their unique galaxy and came to a quick and easy rest.

            The very next moment, each force emitted a bright and dusty light.

            The three bright lights started to become significantly dim and reveal the appearance of each deity, who began to shape themselves by attempting to reflect on their acquired galaxy, which eventually, they became visible and easily distinguishable.

            With their ability, they could disappear and reappear at will, during any moment of time.
            (Is this piece easier to read?)

            1. theraggededge profile image99
              theraggededgeposted 3 months agoin reply to this

              It is much easier. At least the reader can work out what's going on.

              You could make it better with stronger verbs and by cutting out waffle:

              "begins to release" - releases

              "three separate other-dimensional deities which are invisible." - three invisible, other-dimensional, deities.

              "This happens in a split second, as some warped waves display through the void of space." - In a split second, warped waves move through the space void.

              Always look for the tightest, shortest way of writing something. Then you can embellish, if necessary (it usually isn't).

              "The three bright lights started to become significantly dim and reveal the appearance of each deity, who began to shape themselves by attempting to reflect on their acquired galaxy, which eventually, they became visible and easily distinguishable. "

              The three lights dimmed to reveal the appearance of the deities. They each shaped themselves according to their own galaxy. One took on the shape of... (explain their shapes).

              Short and sharp. No waffle. Lose the references to time. There is no time. This is all happening almost simultaneously. You don't need, "In a short moment of time," "The very next moment." "Started to become." "began." "became". Not necessary.  Instead, this thing happens, that thing happens... the reader can work out the time frame because writing is linear.

              1. Cory Hine profile image61
                Cory Hineposted 3 months agoin reply to this

                I was going to do more editing of those words that have a few states of time after I already posted this, though you have given me something better to think about.

                I always thought the readers wanted more details. Glad I can write like this. Thank you for this response. (I was also worried about too many adjectives before a noun, so I thought I should add more words to separate them and make the flow sound better, maybe I don't have to).

                One more thing though, I might make a reference to time once in a while in my story as I thought of it to be more necessary. The reason you are referring to my post though, I can definitely understand this. Thanks again for your reply.

                1. theraggededge profile image99
                  theraggededgeposted 3 months agoin reply to this

                  More detail can be given with fewer words. Unnecessary words weaken your writing. They become lost in a fog of adjectives. One strong verb can do the work of three adjectives. Choose words as if they are jewels, then let them shine.

                  I just made that up, but it sounds good.

  22. srirad0675 profile image84
    srirad0675posted 3 months ago

    Yes, it does.

  23. Cory Hine profile image61
    Cory Hineposted 3 months ago

    I took theraggededge's idea for stronger words and the short, sharp sentences and I am satisfied with my latest introduction now.

    I have a sample that I would like to use to continue a story for the future and would like to know any point of view of this introduction summary. (I wrote this piece before I fixed up my main Introduction story).

    How is this?

    It was a time in the distant future of a galaxy named Sphersea…

    Floating city localities have recently settled, though wildlife is too quiet in the skies of a young and civilized crowd of winged-beings. This is a crowd who call themselves the Bidel race.

    Three Bidel rogue poachers are on the loose, as settling citizens try to adopt the creatures on the surface world.

    The mission of the sky-high citizens’ arrangement to tame, collect, breed and accompany the critters below barely proceeds as they will be taken by surprise from the three rogues.

    Meanwhile, these rogues will seem to prove they are more than a mere issue towards just a few families that scout nearby…

    Will there even be any likely saviours?

    Only the time beyond may tell…

  24. pen promulgates profile image40
    pen promulgatesposted 3 months ago

    Can't say about the sentence construction, but I could understand your writing and the message too. It sounds like a thriller.

    1. Cory Hine profile image61
      Cory Hineposted 3 months agoin reply to this

      Okay, thank you.

 
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