I'd like feedback on my Hub: Astigmatism And Our Family's Experience.

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   Terrielynn1posted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Astigmatism And Our Family's Experience.. What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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   1. 86

      Terrielynn1posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      please help I have a link now and it has a chance to be featured. I need to make a few changes.

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      1. 97

         theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Okay, my dear, I'll take a look...
         
         The first thing... when you say, "this is how the Mayo Clinic describes it.." Are you then quoting directly from their site? If so, separate the text out into its own paragraph and italicise it, to indicate that it's a quote. If it isn't a quote, consider making it one by retrieving the original text to make it look professional.
         
         Your eye-chart image has a link to a commercial site and doesn't go to the page where the image is. It might be copyright so perhaps you should look for a legal-to-use alternative. The link looks promotional (I know it isn't) but it will from the mods point of view.
         
         I'd break up some of the longer text modules into smaller ones. This gives you the opportunity to include more search-friendly sub-headings.
         
         'Our Family and Astigmatism' is one huge block of text. Better to break it up - don't forget many people are reading on phones these days and a little white space makes it easier to read.
         
         Hope that helps.

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         1. 86

            Terrielynn1posted 6 years agoin reply to this

            Theraggededge, thank you very much. I changed the one image to one I can use. didn't realize that when I added it the image said it could be used. yes I am working on putting the mayo part into my own words. The part of the shorter text , I never thought of that. you are very kind and helpful. have a great weekend. I'll work more on it.

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2. 86

   Terrielynn1posted 6 years ago

   would someone mind reading my article, iI am being told it has now has a chance to be featured buit may contain spammy elements, but I don't see what they are talking about, thank you if you can help.

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      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Spammy elements are usually links, but you don't have any. I can only think it can be the references.
      
      So try this format:
      
      WebMD: What is Astigmatism?
      Mayo Clinic: Astigmatism - Overview
      
      Leave off the Vision Care one (too commercial) and the own family experience (not necessary as you detail it in the article).
      
      Let us know how it goes.

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      1. 86

         Terrielynn1posted 6 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you. I have worked hard trying to figure it out. I'll see if that works. You are always so helpful. THats great advice, Sometimes it takes another set of eyes to see something. LOL.

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3. 0

   pen promulgatesposted 6 years ago

   Hi
   
   As per advice given before, you have already removed the links that had been deemed as spammy.
   
   What I observe now is that mostly the sentences are not clear in the meaning and have punctuation errors that blocks the smoothness of reading.
   
   Examples:
   
   In the first paragraph when you say light comes and bends evenly, I find that vague to understand. A better word like 'spreads' might suit perhaps.
   Also, I find it difficult to imagine and understand eyeballs as a football.
   You give good information and the article is a good learning, so out of curiosity I googled up astigmatism.
   
   Football is both round and oval shape, whereas astigmatic patients have oval shape lenses as compared to the round eyeballs of a normal person, so you can make your explanation clearer.
   
   In the same paragraph later you wrote 'It’s usually an easy fix for an eye doctor with glasses, contacts, or surgery'
   
   You want to say that an eye doctor can easily fix astigmatism with remedies like glasses, contacts or surgery.
   But your sentences sounds like an eye doctor wearing glasses and contacts can fix astigmatism
   In the next paragraph tired is wrongly spelled as tiered
   
   The paragraph 'But if you only have a mild astigmatism, your doctor may refer to it as a degree, and you don’t have any other vision problem, you may not need them.' Can be split in two easy sentences with the help of a period.
   I.e, But if you only have a mild astigmatism, your doctor may refer to it as a degree. And if you don’t have any other vision problem, you may not need them.
   
   Your call out: If you or your child has any symptoms.This article is to bring awareness only and to tell my family's story. It's not intened for diagnoses.' has two issues:
   See your doctor is the heading of the capsule, if you and your child.. the next part of the sentence. It looks like two different sentences, and sounds incomplete. Make it one sentence with the same font and formating.
   The word intended is spelled wrong
   
   In treatments
   Corrective lenses: the statement 'They will be made to your specific eye issue' is vague in meaning
   
   Also the sentence 'Years ago his lenses were the thickness of coke bottle, bottoms' is weird. Years ago his lenses were as thick as the bottom of a coke bottle, sounds clear.
   
   'Once your family member is told they need to exercise their eyes to improve their vision.'
   You start your sentence with a condition/possibility, but you don't complete it to make it meaningful. What you have done is, you have ended the sentence with a period. Put a comma before the next sentence and complete the meaning. Also, ' exercise the eyes' can be replaced with eye exercises, I.e:
   'Once your family member is told they need eye exercise to improve their vision.'
   
   Remove the comma in:
   'The kit has an eye patch and charts to read, along with instructions.' (Define eye patch).
   'One out of three of our children does, along with numerous other Extended family members.' (remove the comma before along, extended is wrongly capitalised).
   'Most have been helped by doing the recommended eye exercises along with wearing glasses, with corrective lenses.' (remove the comma before with)
   We noticed a problem with her vision because, she always wanted to sit as close as possible to watch TV. (remove the Comma)
   My husband cannot wear contact lenses, corrective lenses (glasses) were the best way to correct his condition. (put a period, or semi colon)
   Our oldest child was diagnosed by our eye doctor. When she was only five years old. (remove the period before when)
   She was given an eye exercise program, to do three to four times a day, everyday until her next appointment. (remove the comma before to and everyday)
   Then we continued on for the next six months.
   (remove on)
   Is present at birth. but can show later, from disease or after surgery (remove the period before but and replace  a Comma)
   Hope these help.

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   1. 86

      Terrielynn1posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you vey much. That is a ot to con sider when I tink of how much I already changed. Some of the things you bring up is actually the difference in how I talk. the comma thing I have trouble with so thank you again. I'll give it a go. I couldn't figure out how it was spammy when it already had a score of 77 thank you.

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