I have a friend who is a utter NUT.......she posted this on her FB status the other day...
"As a matter of fact, I do p&*s glitter and S%$t rainbows!!!!"
Let me hear some good one
I was in a public toilet one night and a man came in and stood there with his two arms down by his side, I could see he had no hands, he asked me if I would open his zipper, I was reluctant but I did, he just stood there, then he asked if I would take out his manhood, I was reluctant, when I took it out it was horrible, covered in all sorts of scabs and such like, I said to him, what is wrong with it, he said I dont know but Im not touching it, his hands had now appeared from under the long sleeves of his jacket.........
Best graffiti in bathroom stall:
Here I sit, my buns a-flexin' --
'bout to give birth to another Texan!
What did the Bra say to the hat, you go on a head and we will give these two a lift
One of the funniest jokes I ever heard was one line by the comic, Henny Youngman: "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
My younger brother wants to get his anus sewed into the shape of a star so when he takes a dump it'll come out like piping on a wedding cake.
THAT is brill! Puts a whole knew meaning to "puckered star."
Short version: Man and woman get married, man not making love at all, woman decides to spice it all up, candles, silk sheets, husband gets into bed, he puts his hand down real low, the wife says you going to make love to me Honey, he says, No, Im just wetting my finger to turn over the page of my novel...
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH what a waste LOL
Jack goes hunting every year with 3 buddies. One year wife tells him he can't go. When his 3 friends arrive at the camp site Jack is already there. We thought you couldn't come this year? Well, Jack says, let me tell you what happened. To make it up to me my wife waits for me last night in the bedroom, totally naked. She asks me to tie her to the bed. Then she says to go ahead and do anything I want so......here I am!
Mexican is walking down a dirt road in Texas - finds a big nice 10 gallon cowboy hat, picks it up and puts it on. Along comes a couple Texans in a pickup truck - "Hey, Pancho, yew want a rahd?" "Gracias, hombre!"
Riding along, one Texan says "Hey, Pancho, how many sheep you f**ked?" "Oh, no, senor, I no f**k sheep!" "Well, then, how many goats you f**ked?" "Oh, no, senor, I no f**k goats!" "Well, then, how many pigs y'all f**ked?"
"Oh, no, senor, I no f**k the pigs! Senor, I am not a TEXAN! I just found this hat!"
Procrastination is like Masturbation: it's only fun until you realise your just screwing yourself!
Men are like blenders, you need one, you just don't know why!
Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
Men are like Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
Top Ten Signs No One Wants To Be Your Valentine
10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
9. FOX is starting a new show about you: 'America's Least Wanted'
8. You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets
7. The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made Star Trek uniform
6. You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards--and you're a woman!
4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration
3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy
1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's 'Newt'
by Daffy Duck 5 years ago
There are millions of jokes out there. Everyone says they have a great one. What's the funniest one?
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Have you ever heard of an organization known as OMG Models? Their site says that it is an...organization for teens to gain access to the modelling world and provide them with opportunities. To me it seems like it may be an intro to the porn industry. Have you heard anything like this? Thought you...
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What was the last thing you saw or heard that REALLY made you laugh?They say laughter is like medicine to the soul. :-)
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What is the funniest thing your ever heard a child say?Kids are brutally honest and while small have no idea of hurting someone's feelings,and sometimes it's so on point it hilarious.My son stated while we were at a baseball game,Mom I want to be like that man when I grow up,he's always got...
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