When you are footing the bill for college, should you still make most decisions

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   brakel2posted 8 years ago

   When you are footing the bill for college, should you still make most decisions for your child?
   
   Examples might be about dating, working, use of spare time. This might often occur when child still lives at home.

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   SpiritusShepherdposted 8 years ago

   It is a delicate balance. You want to give them room to grow and learn to be independent, but you also don't want to watch thousands of dollars go down the drain!
   I would say the best thing to do would be to sit down with your college student and go over a list of your expectations for them.  Maybe they have to make certain grades, be at home by a certain time and still do certain chores around the house.
   If they are meeting these expectations they have the freedom to decide how they use their spare time, dating and working. If they stop meeting any of these expectations then sit down with them again and until they begin to meet expectations again you have more decision making power over how they use their time.
   It can be hard, especially if you are paying for it, but they do chances to make mistakes and learn from them. They also need room to learn to be an adult and make that final transition between adolescence and adulthood..

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      brakel2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks so much. You talk about teaching responsibility and creating a good relationship.

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   peeplesposted 8 years ago

   Paying for college does not give a parent a right to dictate what their adult child should be doing unless it is directly related to that money. Parents have no right to tell their adult children who they should be dating, and shouldn't use the fact they are helping with the cost of college as leverage against their child.
   If the college child is passing classes and not violating common decency around the house then I don't see any reason the parent should be making any decisions for the child.
   I've always found it a bit weird for parents to tell adult children what to do simply because they still live at home. Like what time to be home, why would a parent need to tell an adult child when they have to be home?
   The best thing is to set boundaries. Make sure the adult child understands that while they are free to come and go as they please they must respect the home. Such as not being loud if they come in late, not leaving messes, not inviting people into the home without making it known, or simply communicating their schedule.
   Paying for college is a duty of a parent, not something that should be used as a form of control.

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      brakel2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      You are correct that some parents can be too controlling when a child lives at home. Going away to college is often a good choice for a student.

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   gmwilliamsposted 8 years ago

   
   
   It depends upon the nature & maturity level of the parent.  More progressive, enlightened, democratic, & mature parents strongly contend that their adult children are individuals who have the right to make their own decisions & life plans.  They contend that although they are paying for tertiary education, they gladly do this because they want their children to have a better life.  They further believe that as parents, it is their duty to help the younger generation but they refuse to view this as ownership of their children.  They see such a premise to be abhorrent at best & total abusive at worst.  They further aver that even if their adult child lives at home, they are adults & are entitled to live an independent life. They do not believe that living at home precludes an adult child to living the way h/she wants as long as h/she does not harm others.
   
   However, more retrogressive, reactionary, authoritarian, & immature parents contend that since they are footing the tertiary education bill, they have the right to tell their children what to do.  They contend THEIR money, THEIR rules.  They assert that if their children want to be independent of them, LET THE LATTER PAY FOR COLLEGE, NOT THEM.   They are of the school that if their children depend upon them &/or live at home, their children WILL do as they say or it is the highway.   These parents strongly believe that if their children were TRUE ADULTS, they would not be living at home & FULLY supporting themselves!

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      brakel2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      It is true that some parents are permissive and others authoritarian. Their attitude influences decisions, but some students may rebel against strict parental ideas. Thanks for response..

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   aliasisposted 8 years ago

   If your child is an adult (18+), then no, you should not be making most decisions for your child. Certainly not about dating.  Your child should be learning how to be independent, and managing their own time, and parents need to learn how to start backing off, so to speak.
   
   Footing the college bill doesn't mean you get a say in who they want to go on dates with or that they need to stop playing video games so much, but you can work out deals, like if you pay tuition, they need to be working a part time job/volunteering/getting internship experience. If they are still living at home, then yeah, there are house rules that should be followed. They should contribute to the house cleaning, preparation of meals, etc. They could pay for their own necessities (like clothes, shampoo, gas, etc). If they don't like it, they can move out, after all. Of course, if they are failing all their classes and are being lazy students, at that point, maybe you need to have a serious talk: something like, I'm only going to pay tuition if you get at least a B average or something, and if you're not in college, you're working full time.
   
   But all in all, you have to let them learn how to be an adult, so you should not micromanage their life.

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      brakel2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for response about allowing students to be adults.

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