Is it right to disown your own child? See below...

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   Longhunterposted 14 years ago

   After fourteen years of verbal abuse and lies from my daughter (this started when she was 13) toward me and my side of the family, my parents have disowned her. I'm now in the process of doing the same.
   
   Simply put, she was spoiled as a child and that stopped due to her continuous bad attitude, equally bad grades, and failure from college her first semester. She has cussed me and my parents when she didn't get her way and refuses to speak to us now. My parents removed her from their estate sometime ago. After several attempts the reconcile to no avail, I'm in the process of doing the same.
   
   Is this wrong of me?

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      Uninvited Writerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I don't think you are wrong at all. She is an adult and it sounds like you have tried everything.

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      qwarkposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      ..why not?...if you think it's necessary. Life goes on.
      Now if you had said is it ok to kill your kid, like the muslim bastard did who shot his 2 young hi school daughters for becoming to Americanized, I'd say the wrong people were killed...and for what? A belief in a mythical psychotic allah!
      All "fundies" are insane! 'Course they just follow in the footsteps of their imagined, supernatural, insane hero: ALLAH!

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      Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No one has to put up with abuse, and it sounds as if she is definitely abusive by demands, rants, raves, manipulation and control.
      
      Cut her off, and reestablish sanity by setting new ground rules. If she shows up and starts the same old parade, cut her off again, and again, and again, until she can have civility, respect, and love in her heart. Tell her it's up to her when there will be contact again, but she has to have respect, civility and love, or else there will be no contact.
      
      That's what I've had to do in several cases. It works. You have to be tough about it. You cave in and they regain all control again, and you get to be abused again.
      
      There will never be unconditional love of any kind as long as you enable her to continue to abuse others. You act consistently all the time. You don't allow abuse, and when she can show love and civility, she gets the benefit of also receiving from you, but as long as there is abuse, there is no respect, and when there is no respect, there is no love. Only demands, manipulation and control. Correct it by establishing new ground rules.

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      prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If nobody can understand your daughter who else. There are no bad people forever, they tend to change, but not all change LOL.. If nobody else can see that she needs help with her bad attitude and behavior, who will help her. I will not condone her acts though.
      
      But I can never disown my daughter,

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      Disturbiaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      If a bad attitude, bad grades, failure from college, and cussing are your only problems consider yourself lucky.

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   camloposted 14 years ago

   I'm completely disapproved of by my parents, and strongly suspect they've cut me off from their estate, too. If you heard my side of the story, you'd probably say they're wrong, if you heard their's, you'd say they're right. So, I think I'd need to know your daughter's side of the story before I could offer a valid opinion.
   
   Do you have any idea of why your daughter's behaviour changed at 13. It's a difficult age, but she hasn't 'grown out of it'. You say she was spoiled; are you expecting something of her in return? Did you hope she'd become something that she perhaps can't, or doesn't want, to be? There must be a reason she has reacted in this way, and it might not be all her fault.

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      Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Her grades were always a problem but it was because she was a social butterfly. At sixteen, my parents gave her a new Honda Civic but she was told at the beginning she had to keep her grades up. They gave her a second chance when they weren't up the first nine weeks. Nine weeks later, it was more of the same so her grandparents took the car back and sold it. She reacted by cursing them.
      
      As for her problems with me, I had to be the disciplinarian in the house with no back up from her mother. Due to bad grades, I cut her phone curfew from 10 PM to 8 PM and told her she could only go out one night a week, that being Friday or Saturday night, until she pulled her grades up. She could get the grades but wasn't trying. I later found out her mother was using my daughter's angst with me to have an ally during our divorce.
      
      I've asked my daughter too many times to count what her problems are with me but got no answer.
      
      The only thing I've expected from her was an explanation as to why she treated me and my family the way she did. Nothing more. Nothing less.

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      Froggy213posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      A very good opinion and I completely concur with it.

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   Richieb799posted 14 years ago

   I think I'd have to hear her side of the story first as well. Nothing is black and white.

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   b. Malinposted 14 years ago

   Are you divorced from her mother...It's hard to tell by the way you say "your side of the family"  Kids do "change" at age 13.  They are always testing the water.  Were you allowed to verbally discipline her?  If you tried and nothing worked (some kids are impossible) and now that she is adult...there is still no communicating with her, than I say, yes, walk away.

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      Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      We divorced when she was 17. Se post to Camlo above.

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5. 69

   Jo Deslaurierposted 14 years ago

   No, it's not wrong to write your daughter out of your estate. It's your money to do whatever you please with, just as your daughter can live her life anyway she wants. If I were you I would just quietly have a new will drafted that doesn't include her but maybe includes something for her children if you're a grandfather (on a side note: I would suggest placing the money in a trust where the executor is a lawyer or bank and you can outline at what age and what purposes you would like them to be able to access the money for).
   
   But ultimately I hope you don't cut your daughter off emotionally. You don't have to keep your heart on the chopping block by constantly contacting her but do let her know around major holidays or her birthday that you care by giving her a call or a card and hopefully someday you'll both be able to work out the differences between the two of you.
   
   ~I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out the best for you both.

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   Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

   The disinheritance part is easy. You can always amend your will/trust later if she grows up and you reconcile.
   What you don't mention is how you feel about your daughter -- does disowning her hurt you?
   Given your description, it sounds like she needs a dose of reality. When the acting out of a young teen continues until 27 (if I've done the math correctly) there is something wrong.
   Does your daughter have substance abuse issues? Is she perhaps bipolar? Not accusing -- just trying to put her behavior into a 'reasonable' or at least 'feasible' context.
   
   Maybe once she realizes she doesn't have you or your parents to kick around anymore she'll come to her senses and turn her life/attitude around.
   
   Meantime, it could be one of those parental "this is going to hurt me than it hurts you" kind of punishments (which I never understood as a child but do now!).
   
   Good luck, LH!MM

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      Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I love my daughter but do consider our relationship my biggest failure, even more so than my divorce.
      
      She's never had a substance abuse problem nor are there any clinically-diagnosed mental problems. She was spoiled and will still dismiss people who won't agree with her. As her dad, I wouldn't agree when she was wrong.

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7. 83

   Rafiniposted 14 years ago

   Disowning a family member isn't an easy step to take...and isn't one that should be taken lightly.  As for disowning a child (even an adult child), I can't imagine it, although I've felt like doing it myself - many a time!
   
   
   I think the most important thing to do with an adult child, is to set clear limits and make sure the adult 'child' knows your boundaries - don't cross your boundaries or bend your limits!  Because that's equal to an open door.  If you can do it, so can they.
   
   If disowning the family member, or adult child, is the only option you can think of, consider this:  Is the persons behavior to the point of no return?  Is there absolutely no way you can ever forgive them for what they've done?  If the answer is no, then you still have hope.  Time and distance may do more good than disowning them. (only get together for holidays and emergencies? type family life with this family member)
   
   If you feel there's no hope left, will you still feel the same in 6 months?  Or, will your anger, outrage, resentment, or pain be diminished to the point that you can think about this family member without any outward sign of old feelings?  Will you, in 6 months, be able to talk with this family member in a calm and rational manner - until they 'go off the deep end'?  If the answer is yes, there's still hope - time and distance do wonders!
   
   
   I agree with previous posts - it sounds like your daughter has some kind of mental illness and needs help.  The sooner the better.  If at all possible, if you (or another family member, one she trusts well) could get her started in the right direction, for treatment, your relationship with your daughter would only get better for it. 
   
   
   If there's no mental illness, then I agree with previous posts - A healthy dose of Tough Love never hurt anyone.

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   Catering101posted 14 years ago

   You're really in a tough situation. I wouldn't say that disowning her is a right decision but if it's the only way for her to realize that she's gone too far, then you should probably let her go for the meantime or suggest that she lives with her mother.
   
   I'm sure there'll be a time, like for example, when she'll have her own children she'll realize how difficult it is to have a child with attitude problems. Let's only hope for the best.

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   Paul Wingertposted 14 years ago

   Spoiling her throught childhood was a huge mistake. That is definately your fault. But now she's an adult and in her little world she thinks everyone owes her something. It gets to the point were nothing works and she needs to go out and learn the hard way. I look at it like my marriage, it's like driving an old beat up car, no matter how many times it's in the shop, it only gets worse. It gets to the point were it's easier to get rid of it. Sorry to say, but it's a real mess.

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10. 83

    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    
    if this is true, then the fault is certainly not all on her.
    your question, is it right, to disown your child can easily be answered yes or no, but I'm sure there's a place maybe buried in your heart that is telling you that it's not.
    
    as others have said, writing her out of the estate is simple and can be changed. but what repair can be done to tell your adult child who received mixed messages throughout her childhood that you now wish to disown her. I guess it would take more than a forum thread to truly advise you on such an important action.
    as parents we expect our children to learn from their mistakes and endure the consequences, but also we as parents need to learn from our mistakes as well and accept there are consequences. we can change and affect others, but we can't change others.
    
    I hope you give this a lot of serious consideration and wish you and your daughter the best. I think the older we get, the more we understand how important family is.
    
    
    that can still be turned around, leave the door open..
    and good luck.

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    Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

    It seems to me that there's the matter of the bad grades (which can mean a kid has something making her unable to concentrate or work on school work.  It may not really mean there's something "wrong with her".  It can mean there's something wrong in the situation around her (like being in school if she doesn't really want to be there and being generally miserable, or like having to worry about money - anything); and then there's the matter of her not talking to you and her grandparents with respect.  You deserve to be spoken to with respect, so do her grandparents.  So does she, for that matter.  Kids mess up.  Serious as messing up in school is; to me, on the scale of messing up ("moral failings", "character flaws", or other things people can do wrong in this world), school-failing is often understandable and far from a question a either morality or character (or even willingness to work).
    
    Personally, I think whatever caused her to mess up in school is something she ought to be forgiven for.  She may hate herself for her own failure already (and there's a good chance, with what's going on, she isn't going to be real open about it if she does hate herself).  I'm not condoning messing up with school, but a lot of kids get themselves in too deep in one way or another that often has little to do with their ability to do the work.  Kids aren't even finished maturing with brain development until early/mid twenties, so they mess up lots of times.  (So do older people for that matter.)
    
    The lack of respect, though, that's different.  I don't see why you just can't tell her she isn't to show up if she's going to treat people poorly - and if/when she's ready to act properly she can visit again.
    
    I'm not sure, but I'm under the impression that property will go to next of kin UNLESS there's a will to state who, exactly, things should go to.  I'm not under the impression that specifying that someone else gets whatever you're leaving necessarily also means "disowning" a grown son or daughter.
    
    I do think something to think about (no matter how badly she's acting) is that when kids are in late teens/early twenties they often like to do things parents don't think they should be doing.  There are fights and hard feelings all around.  Their friends are "on their side", and anyone who doesn't see things their way and tell them what they want to hear is "not on their side".  Sometimes, when a grown/almost grown kid is "acting up" the only "counter-balancing" influence there is in their life is are their parents. "The world" has generally taken over when it comes to influencing them, and even it isn't much influence that parents have, sometimes just finding ways to still be there as at least some reminder of past values can make a difference between whether a kid "cuts loose" from parents and family forever, or whether she just flounders around for a few years, touching base once in a while, and eventually gets closer and behaves better (once she's through the phase).
    
    As a parent, I just think, "What's with the talk about 'disowning'?  It's your child, for good or ill.  Tell her she can't come around and treat you poorly, and private do a will that excludes her if you want - but then why not just otherwise ride out the rough waters for now and see what happens."  I mean, isn't it better to let her know, "Look.  We love you and we want a good relationship with you, but we're not going to tolerate your treatment of us.  If/when you're interested in starting to re-build a better relationship, let us know.  Otherwise, please just keep in touch and let us know you're OK for now."
    
    I think the ages of 17 through 19/20 or so can be the worst because kids are going through something like 2 year olds do (being the very youngest as a child-not-baby/being the very youngest as a mostly adult/not younger teen.  It goes to their heads.  They don't always make great judgments.  It's overall upheaval sometimes.  Doing what they want to do is particularly important to them, and exercising new-found independence is too.
    
    It's just one more opinion, but I don't think, if your daughter is still under 25, now's the time to be talking about ending relationships and writing her off.  Sometimes that's an age that can try patience and really test a parent's willingness to try to hang in, have a least a minimal influence (and offer a minimal sense of the kid's original "world" still there for them if they want/need it).  Realistically, I know that distance is sometimes needed at times like that because no parent deserves to be mistreated.  There's a difference, though, between keeping some distance, limiting interaction to some extent, and keeping conversations to "neutral territory" (which can give all involved a chance to at least see they can be together in peace and with respectful behavior); and in "disowning" a child (even if only "mentally").
    
    I can't help but guess that you either never manage to have her respect (you did say she was spoiled), had it once but lost it along the way, or else have a daughter with either a mental illness that's either a personality disorder or else some other type of mental illness (maybe even "just" depression).  I just can't see how any of those scenarios is reason to give up on her, or a potentially better relationship with her, now.   
    
    Hope it all improves for you.  Hang in.  I know people who have had similar situations with their kids, and I know it isn't easy.   

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       Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       My daughter went to a private school, was very happy there, and got extrememly upset when we discussed taking her out. We could get bad grades in a public school for free and the schools in our area are very good.
       
       She failed out of college with a 1.08 average her first semester due to too much partying. This isn't that unusual but I wasn't going to spend $9,000  for another semester of poor grades and partying especially since there was no remorse or apology from her.
       
       My daughter is now almost 27, married, and has a son that was born in January. She didn't want me or my family told and got angry when her brother, my son, told me. She was not happy when I showed up at the hospital so I didn't go back and haven't seen my her or my grandson since. She never did tell my parents. I had to tell them.
       
       Honestly, I don't think she'll realize what she did until she finds out she doesn't get anything from my parents estate or mine. That's all she really cares about.

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          Lisa HWposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I'm not trying to defend your daughter because obviously I don't know her, you, or the situation (and probably wouldn't have any business forming any conclusion from a distance anyway). 
          
          I do know one thing:  When kids are either too tired or stressed or unhappy with their school or with any number of other things going on, they often can't make themselves concentrate to study.  Then they get feeling horrible because they can't make themselves do what they need to and what other kids (who apparently don't have the things that make them not able to do what they should) do.  Then, though, they'll still socialize because not only doesn't it take no concentration to socialize, but it can be the one thing an otherwise miserable kid has that makes life that much less miserable.  Sometimes they gain their support from friends, and at the age, partying is what most groups of friends do.
          
          I'm not saying it's right.  I'm just saying it's not always a plan and doesn't always involve a kid just being a "useless, lazy, jerk".  There's no doubt there are kids who are just jerks, but I'd bet a lot higher percentage of kids who fail in school do it because of so many other factors in, and surrounding, their life.
          
          I also know that we screw up big it can be pretty difficult to even talk about it.  It's easy to show remorse for the stuff that seems understandable.  When we do something we're really ashamed of it can be awfully hard to talk about it (or sometimes even just think about it) at all.  I'm not saying your daughter was in one of the more sympathetic situations, but sometimes when a young person has messed up and messed up REALLY big (involving disappointing other people, wasting someone else's money, etc.) they don't even realize it involved circumstances that affected them in ways over which they didn't particularly have control.  These days a lot of kids don't even start college until they've had a year off after high school, because a lot don't even really feel quite ready for that time.  (My daughter was one.  A lot had gone on in our lives, and she just needed to kind of relax a little for that year before heading to college.)
          
          I don't blame you for not being willing to pay tuition, but I'm wondering if maybe she actually had so much regret, shame, and remorse it was just more than she could let anyone know she felt.  Again, I don't know if this is the case; but if someone is acting angry with us, that's not when we're usually to set aside our need to save face and just apologize (especially if we're 18/19 and not yet mature).
          
          I don't know if any of the thoughts here even at all apply to your situation or your daughter, but somehow; now that she's married and has a baby and is a new phase of life, it just seems as if it might be nice for all involved to say, "Let's all start new and start clean, and try to be family again.  We all understand that people make mistakes or get in too deep, have things they don't understand about the other, and sometimes can't even be really close in a relationship; but SOME relationship is usually nicer than none.
          
          One way or another, it's a rough situation; ;and I know you're far from alone, and it sure isn't easy. 
          
          I just know that in my own extended family (not particularly with my kids, though), there has been quite the handful of some pretty big mistakes, disappointments in other people, and things that would certainly appear to be betrayal (and worse).  Still, when it comes down to it, nobody who has ever made any of the huge mistakes (myself included) really intended for them to happen.  It was always a matter of "extenuating circumstances" and/or not really understanding the other person well enough.  In some cases, it took some time (and maybe some relationships are forever damaged); but underneath it all everyone in the family has always kind of ended up thinking, "Life is short, and people don't really mean to do what they do most of the times."
          
          Last Saturday night we had an engagement party for my daughter, and everyone (who isn't dead by now) involved in some of those past mistakes was there, as a family; and saying how nice it was that we could all be there together to share in the celebration.  It was nice, and even though extended family has their own lives and don't live close, it's clear we pretty much survived as a family (and a close one).  To sit there and think, "Look at the bunch of us - and what we've all managed to overlook and forgive in one way or another.  And yet look at us - still close, still caring, and still friends;" was one of most meaningful things any of us could have.    I don't know....    I just kind of think disappointments and inadvertent betrayals are sometimes just part of the deal among family members.  It does feel good to have survived those things, though, and to know that somewhere along the way the love underneath it all managed to get everyone through.
          
          Sometimes, no matter how old we are, what we need is to have someone point out that we shouldn't feel guilty and horrible over a major screw-up that involves hurting, or making problems, for the people we love.  There are people who have done things in my life that I've had to just say, upfront, that I understood people mess up without intending to.  Apologizing would have been just too painful for them.  Then there are those who still don't have a clue that what they did was wrong (but how can I remain angry at someone who didn't even get it that what he does was as a big a disaster for me as it was?).  Either way,  as the "damaged party", I had to take the lead and establish that I'd be the one to determine whether the relationship would continue.  If your daughter didn't want you to know about tyour new little grandson, she's either hurt or angry or both.  Apparently, she thinks (rightfully or not) she has a right to be angry with you.  Maybe she's still kind of too young to know she has to let you off one hook or another in her own mind.   
          
          I'm not second-guessing what you say, by any means.  Maybe she's someone with a personality disorder.  I guess I'm just kind of feeling particularly sentimental about family/extended family after that weekend I just had of, "Look at what we've all managed to overcome and come out not hating each other."      It wasn't easy, and it took quite a bit of time; but it sure is nice to know that the next phase of all our lives won't be one of hard feelings, hating each other, and not speaking..   
          
          Again, hope (one way or another) it works out well enough for you and your parents.

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    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    I don't know if this situation is parallel to yours, LH.
    I have a very dear friend who is the father of an adult daughter.
    She has been estranged from him (her doing, not his) for 10 years.
    He has tried everything to be ok with the situation. He wrestles with guilt/love/angst/resentment/hope all the time.
    It is basically tearing him up, even though he actively works to forgive and accept.
    She will not communicate with him.
    A few months ago he sent her an email. A good friend of his had dropped dead and he was reminded of how short life is. He wanted her to know he loved her. No demand (or even request) to see her or for her to respond.
    She didn't.
    
    I recognize there is another side to this story. I don't know what he did to cause her to "disown him" and not speak to him for 10 years.
    I do know the agony he as a father goes through - even though he puts on a brave front.
    
    Why do I mention this?
    Just another way of handling things with an adult child.
    This one gives the daughter 100% of the power and keeps my friend wrapped in her emotional control.

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13. 81

    camloposted 14 years ago

    Longhunter,
    
    Why do you think the verbal abuse and lies started at 13? What were these about? This was before the divorce, the car, and the curfews. Was she already a social butterfly at 13? And were her grades already suffering?
    
    You say, "... my parents gave her a new Honda Civic [at 16] but she was told at the beginning she had to keep her grades up ..." So, her grades were up at that time, but had previously been a problem? Her grades went down (again?), in spite of the car, so it was ultimately taken away. She must have been over the moon at receiving it, and losing it must have been a major disaster. Her cursing is understandable, even if she didn't keep her part of the deal.  Actually, I believe the car might have been a mistake, simply because it was a distraction from her studies, and could well have been the cause of her falling grades (which she was prone to anyway, and you and your parents knew it).
    
    When did your marriage troubles begin? When did your daughter begin to be affected by them? And to what extent? Of course, you could only answer the last two questions to the best of your knowledge; you couldn't possibly know what was going on inside her head.
    
    Was she 13 at the time?
    
    The actual divorce took place when your daughter was 17. Your ex-wife used her to gain an ally and, at the same time, you were restricting your daughter's social life, and imposing a phone curfew. Now, did the verbal abuse and lies towards you and your side of the family begin then, or when your daughter was 13, as I understood from your original post?
    
    I can see that:
    
    1) With the help of whatever your ex-wife fed her head, she resents you and your side of the family, and the punishments you applied.
    
    2) Although your daughter was spoiled, things (like good grades) were expected and, if not delivered, things (like the gift of a car) would be taken away. Now your parents have done that again, years later, with their will, and you are considering doing the same. Do you think doing this will make her change her attitude for the better? I don't think it will. Her resentment is so great that no amount of money etc. will make her change, and she's quite determined on that. She will also notice that old pattern of things being taken away because she is not delivering what is expected.
    
    3) Whatever it was that was upsetting her at 13 still upsets her.
    
    I've taken a look at your profile, and read a couple of your Hubs, and I get the impression you might be a little old-fashioned in your ways. Do you think your 27-year-old daughter can relate to you? What's her realtionship with her mother like? What kind of woman is her mother?
    
    Do you still think her grades were really such a BIG, BIG deal? Many of us don't do that well at school, but do superbly afterwards. Apart from other pressures, don't you think she might have been pressured into coping with more than she could? If that's a reason for the problem, was it really worth it?
    
    Sometimes it's better to just accept and respect a person for what they are. She's clever, but bad at school; does that make you a bad parent? You weren't worried about what others would think, were you?
    
    Longhunter, I sincerely hope you sort this out; it is a sad situation. I don't expect you to answer my questions, but you could consider them if you haven't already. I've tried, chiefly, to put myself in your daughter's shoes and maybe shed (different) light on things.
    
    It's certainly good that you're looking for answers before taking a final action you might not feel at peace with.
    
    BTW, don't blame yourself; you did what you thought (at that time) was best. And don't ask your daughter for an explanation. Let her know you love, accept, respect and need her, and that's all.
    
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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14. 75

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    Oh, Longhunter. Your story just gets more and more dismaying.
    It must be hard not to have a relationship with your grandson.
    
    I may be reading between the lines here and adding two + two and getting five. But the issue of money is underlying this issue with your daughter.
    She received a car (monetary value) and it was taken away.
    She was a private school and that was threatened to be taken away. Did you express to her what you wrote here "We could get bad grades in public school for free" ?
    Then she went to an obviously expensive college. And again, you withhold the tuition because she got really bad grades the first semester.
    
    I can't pretend to explain how her mind interpreted all of this. It's possible she got the impression (mistaken, I'm sure) that she's not "worth anything" to you. Which could easily lead to more resentment and "F-this" attitude on her part.
    
    Now she's 27 and is still punishing you. So sad.
    Hard to predict what will turn her around. I would hope that becoming a parent herself would make her realize how important family is.
    
    How about your son/her brother. Can he talk to her?

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       camloposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You might have hit the nail on the head. She is punishing him back.

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       Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       This isn't all about grades and I didn't withhold tuition. It seems that when you get a 1.08 semester average, the college tells you to seek a different college experience.
       
       Perhaps she is punishing me for cutting her off. She also knew her mother was having an affair and decided to side with her in our divorce. The new guy didn't tell her to knock it off when she treated people like crap. I did. I wouldn't put up with her bad attitude toward my parents. Maybe she is just punishing me.
       
       As for my son, her brother, I try to keep him out of all this. She bosses him around enough as it is and very quickly destroying her relationship with him as well.

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    lovestogardenposted 14 years ago

    I'm a little confused.  I read your story and contemplated it and then I read your Hub bio.
    
    According to your bio, you have two sons, one over 20 and are about to adopt your current wife's two year old son and you sound very excited and happy about it. 
    
    I don't see any mention of a daughter.
    
    My two cents, I wonder why your daughter won't speak to you and doesn't want you around her children and I wonder too if that's related to having a father who would write her out of a will and wish to formally disown her for getting bad grades when she was thirteen.
    
    As the other posters mentioned, I don't really think I could offer much of an opinion unless I heard both sides of the story.

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       Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I removed any mention of her a couple of days ago.
       
       My daughter has no idea she's been removed from my estate. We got along fine until she hit 13. Ten it went to hell on a rocket ship.

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16. 75

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    She sounds a lot like my sister-in-law!
    Maybe if your son distances himself from her as well, she will actually feel the consequences of her bad actions and attitudes.
    Or maybe she will continue alienating everyone in her path for years to come before having a revelation.
    We can only hope...

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17. 75

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    No doubt she's punishing her dad. But only she knows what her rationale is. She has had 14 years to build up imaginary wounds and twist things into her own decades long pity party.
    I know this behavior all too well.
    Facts to the contrary mean nothing to the "victim."
    She believes in her mind that she was wronged and is now right.
    I'm guessing she does not in any way, shape or form think she has done or is doing anything wrong vis a vis her dad or paternal grandparents, either.
    
    Glad LH has a new family, tho. Not a replacement, of course. But something positive to focus his love and attention on.

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18. 81

    camloposted 14 years ago

    Is it possible, Longhunter, that your parents have a hold on you? Did they strongly influence the way you brought up your children? Are you afraid of crossing your parents and the consequences of doing so? Was it 100% your decision to cut your daughter off?

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       Longhunterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       The only hold my parents have over me is that I check on them regularly. My mom and step dad lived in CA until several years ago and my dad, who lived close, never butted in. I have my own money so, no, I'm not afraid of crossing anyone.
       
       Yes, it was 100% my decision to cut my daughter off. Even my new wife said she wanted nothing to do with the decision but did seem concerned I'd come to that point.

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19. 81

    camloposted 14 years ago

    Longhunter, has it occurred to you that what you are doing will get you absolutely nowhere if you want to solve this problem? You and your daughter are just punishing one another, and denying or taking things away from each other is the method.
    
    I'd reassess this, if I were you.
    
    Instead of taking something away from her, why not give her praise? Her life has turned out well in spite of everything - your mistakes and her's. You should be proud of her. She must have good characteristics. Focus on those rather than the negative.
    
    There seems no way of talking to her directly right now, but you could send messages through family channels. Don't do it in a direct sort of way, like telling your son to tell your daughter this or that. Just talk about her in good terms in casual conversation to those who will talk to her. Make sure she learns that you're not angry with her, and you understand why she treats you as she does, and that you're sorry about it. Both of you being angry and punishing isn't going to do any good at all. If being angry and punishing (regardless of whether she is doing the same) is the best you can do, perhaps it's better to just forget the whole thing and let it be.
    
    It seems you have two sons and one daughter. You only mention your eldest son in your profile. Did you undertake many of those 'father/son' activities with him? How did your daughter fit in with this. Did you have anything in common with her? How did she fit in? If she didn't, this could be another source of resentment, and explain why she sided with her mother.
    
    Just some ideas, Longhunter.

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20. 49

    sd98posted 14 years ago

    What has happened to "unconditional love"? Love between a parent and a child shouldn't have conditions to them. Not saying she is right or wrong and I am not saying you don't have a right to dislike her actions or attitude, what I am saying is perhaps she has being longing for your "unconditional love".

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21. 60

    Disturbiaposted 14 years ago

    My oldest daughter is the child from hell.  She's 20 and has been a screaming nightmare since the day she was born. I'm not going to waste my time talking about her ADHD, her ODD, the temper tantrums, or cutting classes in school, or the arrests, or the drugs, or the times she ran away from home, or how at 17 she happily announced that she was pregnant by her idiot, high school dropout, drug dealer boyfriend, or that her current job involves swinging around a pole.
    
    Aside from all the bad behaviors there have been times of pure joy, love, and happiness and I have the most beautiful little grandson anyone could ever want. I have never taken her bad behavior personally, it has nothing to do with me.  I know she loves me and she says it all the time, but she has always had to do everything her own way and has never listened to or taken anyone else's advice.
    
    It's not me she's hurting when she acts out. She is her own worst enemy and the only one who really suffers from her bad behavior is herself. She is the one who has to live with the consequences of her actions.
    
    She is my daughter and I will always love her unconditionally. She will always have a place in my heart and in my home for as long as she lives and I will always protect and defend her.
    
    Children don't come with a warranty or a guarantee.  You get what you get and they are who they are for better or worse. She never asked to be born, and I ask nothing in return for giving her life.  Disowning your child is just wrong on so many levels.  I don't care what you say to try and justify it, it's still wrong.  The one thing in this world that every child should be able to count on no matter what is their parent.  I would NEVER even think of disowning my child no matter what she did or how much I disagreed with her choices.

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       Home Girlposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I could repeat word for word what Disturbia just said. Only I have a son not daughter, like that. First ten years of his life the police of two different countries I've been living in would bring him into the house. Now they come home to take him out in hand cuffs. I do not know if it is  bad blood, genes, spoiled childhood or bad nutrition. I have no idea. I can just repeat after Disturbia: I would never even think of disowning my child. He needs me and I need him. Some time ago he told me: "Mom, you are the best mother in the whole world."
       That one means something.  That's more than grades,attitude or even a police record. He/she is your child - deal with it as a parent, not a judge in court. Life is full of complications but your daughter is YOUR DAUGHTER. Deal with it. As long as you live. You can mend a broken relationship, but it needs time, patience and kindness. By disowning your daughter you are not going to win,-  just your pride.

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