A goose walks into a bar and, oh no wait thats not funny at all..
Question:What does a vampire say when he gets hit by lightening?
To be fair, my kid made that up, but I thought it was funny. )
2 snowmen standing in a field and one says "can you smell carrots"
Its bad I know, but makes me chuckle everytime hehehehe
What do McDonald's and Australia have in common?
They are both run by red headed clowns!
She said that she would like her children young.
> But who would want old children?
No-one can ever be satisfied with 3 things in life.
3. Girl friend
because, there is always a better model available
What has 3 balls and comes from outerspace? E.T. the Extra Testicle
Dear Duck, Please do not cross the road you will never hear the end of it..Sincerely, Chicken.
3 blind mice see how they run...where they running?
A was out on this horse, wind blowing through my hair enjoy the breeze when suddenly it started bucking..luckily the wal-mart greater saw it and unplugged it.
Guy goes to the doctor had some tests run on him. Doctor comes back and says "Well i got some bad news and some worst news" Guy replies nervously "Um, whats the bad news" Doctor says "You have 24 hrs to live" Guy looks shocked says "Whats the worst news" Doctors says "I forgot to tell you yesterday"
Ok enough for now.
Three men were lost in the desert and unable to get home, when they came accross a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamp and a genie apeared and granted them three wishes, one wish each. The first man was quick and asked to be taken home to his family and was instantly wisked away ina flash, the second man said he would like that too and the same thing happened. The third man suddenly felt very lonely and wished his friends were back!
there were two eskimos in alaska at the door of a church. the bigger one knocked on the door and a nun came out wearing black and white robes. 'go ahead' the big one said to the short eskimo, 'ask her the question'
so the short eskimo stared up at the nun and asked, 'are there any midget nuns in this church?"
the nun replied no.
'go on ask her the other question' the tall one demanded.
so the little eskimo swallowed then stuttered, 'are there any midget nuns in alaska?'
the nun replied no and closed the door. the tall eskimo fell to the fllor in a fit of giggles, 'see' he laughed, 'i told you, you F***ed a penguin!'
What did the dislexic agnostic who suffers from insomnia do at night?
He laid awake, wondering if there really is a dog!
Kills me every time!
What is sweaty, wears gym pants, and "can't get no satisfaction?'
You can pick your friends;
you can pick your nose;
But you can't pick your friends nose!
Why did the chicken cross the road? He was too chicken to call a cab
Why do hens run away from the rooster?
So the other hens won't think they're whores!
What did the Joker tell the Riddler?
I'm thinking a joke...
What did the Riddler tell the Joker?
"Give it a fucking rest already, we're off the clock you overachieving prick"
Little Johnny: Grampa, my teacher thinks I am God
G: How do you say that?
LJ: Evey time I enter the class, she looks at me and says "My God, he has come!"
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his cock out the chicken.
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?
What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage
What's brown and sticky?
Two men were at the beach. One man was getting all of the attention from the girls while the other was getting no attention. the second man asked the first man what was wrong?
He said I am just as handsome as you, we both have great builds, and we both have beautiful tans, yet you are getting all the girls, while I am getting nothing.
Whats your secret? The first man said I usually roll up a sock and put it down inside my swimming trunks. Why don't you try it. The second man did as he was told, but still got nowhere with the girls. He asked the first man why? The first man told him "YOU HAVE TO PUT THE SOCK IN FRONT"!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the raccoons it could be done.
Three hedgehogs crossing a road one night, just as they start out headlights come over the hill and bear down on them. One and two run back to the side but the third cooly stands in the road then moves over a bit and lays down. When the car had gone the two ran out and were amazed to find him brushing himself off. Wow! said one "how did you survive?" He said, "look, as the lights bear down on you jut make sure you are between them and then just lay down and the car coes right over you no harm done." Just then headlights appeared at the top of the hill and they ran to the side - but the second one now stood cooly in the road, moved over a bit and then lay down. When the car had gone the other two ran to whre their mate was flat as a pancake and the first one said, "Well, that's the first three wheeler I have ever seen on this road!"
A man is in a bar having a drink when he notices a well dressed guy come through the door with 5 beautiful women all over him. He also happens to have an orange for a head.
The man at the bar watches him flirt and buy rounds and flash bankrolls of money and get all the attention in the room for an hour before getting up the nerve to approach the man.
"Excuse me, sir," he says, "I have to ask... I see you here with all these beautiful women, and all this money, and all this attention... how did all this happen for you?"
The man with an orange for a head replies, "Well,I was walking on a beach one day when I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes. First, I wished for all the attention from the hottest women in the world. Second, I wished for an unlimited supply of money."
"Third, and this is where I kind of messed it up, I wished to have an orange for a head."
wormdo, I think you messed up that joke.
It should have said that he had a head the size of an orange.
and the punch line should have been:
for my third wish, I asked the genie how about a little head
No, I like it the way it is, made me laugh out loud.
My best friend ran away with my wife.
It's only been three days and I really miss him.
I took my mother in law out last night.
One punch what a beauty
Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son
A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate too much because you will go blind."
Son says, "I'm over here?"
Not so much a joke; more of an analysis....
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist;
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So, maybe we’re off the hook
A well known Cardiologist has died, an expensive and elaborate funeral is held in his honor. During the final procession the casket is lowered into a giant heart before placing it into the ground.
Abruptly there is laughter from the back row and everyone turns to see who could be so rude.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" the man says. "I was just imagining my own funeral, you see, I'm a proctologist."
A man and his monkey are at a bar. As the man drinks the monkey proceeds to eat everything in sights. He eats a matchbook, a pack of cigaretts, the cue ball from the pool table, the pool chalk, anything he could get his hands on. Finally the bartender speaks up.
"Hey buddy, you know your mokney is eating anthing he can?"
"Doesn't surprise me. But I'm sorry, I'll get him out of here."
A week later the man and his monkey return to the same bar. Th bartender wathces closely as the monkey goes around the bar sticking everything he can up his ass and then eating it.
"Hey buddy, you know your monkey is sticking anything he can up his ass and then eating it?"
"Doesn't surprise me. Ever since that cue ball he measures everything first."
why did the bubblegum cross the road?
because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
(gotta picture it. I was loaded on morphine the first time I heard it!!)
by dnrkrishnan25 9 years ago
One funny Joke ?
by damian0000 10 years ago
Who is the funniest comedian of all time?What, for you, is their best joke?
by Martin Heeremans 6 years ago
I know everyone has that one hilarious joke they use which will always get a good laugh out of everyone in the local vicinity.I'll start.A new Commander is sent to take over a command of a post in a remote location.On his entrance he spots a donkey tied to a rope behind the barracks. Unsure as to...
by Liz Elias 5 years ago
An eager young man has landed a job as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He is very encouraged by the response he's getting with his demonstrations, and continues on his route.Soon enough, he travels a bit farther out of town, and gets into a more rural area. He knocks on a door,...
by Liz Elias 5 years ago
A little girl is walking home from school, and a man on a big black motorcycle pulls up to her, and says, "Hey little girl, you want a ride?""No!" She says, and speeds up her pace.He pulls up behind her again, and says, "I'll give you a bag of candy if you ride with...
by thirdmillenium 11 years ago
The priest at the altar demands: who among you are he and he?All men stand up.The priest thunders: "you will all go to hell, and who are she and she?All women stand up. Priest is livid: "you will all go a special hell"Little Johnny had stood up neither time. Priest is relieved that...
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