UGH!!! OMG this is pissing me the f*ck off so much.
Okay here is the story. My husband and I are flying out his mom for Christmas this year. My husband hasn't seen his mom since 2003 at his grandma's funeral. His older brother has seen her since then. His and is wife has all of theese past years to bring her out but no...they b!tch about having only one check to live off of with two kids and he Navy as well.
They think that because we are bringin her out here that they can USE us to see her. we told them this is the deal. we will bring her over for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day plus they can take her to Sea World one day. She is staying for two weeks. BUT we live in Anaheim and they live in freakin' Lakeside and NEVER come to visit is nor have they ever met us somewhere when we go visit them while staying with my parents in Poway.
Do you guys think that they have the right to do this to us?
The wife is a total b!tch and this is what she put up on Facebook for her status " thought that this time of year was suppose to be about family! But apparently some people have decided to make it about themselfes and money. I think they need to be visited by 3 ghosts really soon."
She is the one that needs to be visited by the 3 ghosts. Plus the reality-check fairy!
I am so frsutarted and I don't need this sh!t too! I mean damn I'm still dealing with the death of my grandpa and then they want to be total jerks towards us when we are doing something nice for my husband's mother! And them letting her spend a few days with her grandkids and them. PLUS she even told us she doesn't want to stay with them because of the wife. And the wife has even said horrible things about the mother but she HAS to get in because of her children. If she raelly gave a damn about her kids seeing their grandmother then she would have saved up the money and brought her out.
It's disgusting how family treats family! Especially around the holidays. And I can't take it...I serioisly can't. I'm already stresssed enough as it is dealing with the death of my grandpa, plus having to get gifts, having to clean up the apartment for when she comes out, MEETING MY MOTHER IN LAW FOR THE VERY FIRST FERAKIN' TIME!!!! And now i have to deal with this?
It's hurting so much that I'm up WAY too damn early and crying!
oh crazd I can feel for you, talk to them and explain your side of the situation,I hope everything goes well after your talk with them, cheer up and dont let that annoy you, hugs very tight for you
You poor thing. Oh, Crazd, it is true-the worst in family comes out during the holidays year after year. But the stress level on you is ridiculous. Particularly with your Papa's passing. It seems you are in some sort of national give and take with your in-laws. What does your mother-in-law think about all this? Are you able to really ask her opinion? I know that you've never met her, but I bet she wouldn't want you so frazzled over the situation.
Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about this. Sounds like you are trying to do something very nice and now you are miserable because of it. You know, you are giving your husband's mom a terrific gift. It seems to me ( and I've worked with lots of families) that you might want to ask her what she wants to do when she comes to visit. The best gifts are those freely given with no strings attached. My guess is she will want to spend much time with you and your husband, but you have the opportunity to be the better person and stop a family problem before it becomes huge and rages out of control. Let you mother-in-law decide how long and when she sees the other sibling. Then, bringing her out to visit will really be a gift freely given. She will do the right thing and you will prevent all kinds of future problems. Oh, and hold that family accountable - you don't have to do all the driving and such...I am sure they can meet you halfway etc.
we have talked to them...his mother has talked to them...they aren't listening and being little whiney brats who are going to complain just because they aren't going t have their way.
it's not going to be a nice Christmas this year, PDH. not a nice Christmas at all.
do what you think what is right for your husband and you, plus your mom, dont let them dampen your Christmas,
That's just one of the reasons I hate the holidays! The holidays is an invention by religious leaders to create friction and strife in order to get people to go to church!
okay this has nothing to do with Church Poppa did you even READ what I had written? Nothing at all about church nor about religion! So don't you dare come in here starting sh!t against religion. I am SOOOOOOO not in the mood for that!
okay then, blame it on Hallmark! Why do think we have holidays in the first place? Of course everyone fights over who should have it and where and who had it last year and this and that.
And what makes it even worse is the fact that I don't know how i am going to handle Christmas this year. my papa's birhtday is Dec. 26th...
and you are grieving, so i say the most important person in all of this is you...... so try to think of yourself, everyone here on hubpages agree i am sure, you have a nice christmas , and don't let them spoil it for you...... you can't change the type of peoople they are, but your attitude toward them, can change..... love to you and your family. Is that you in your grandads arms
you look so cute in that picture, i am thinking about how your pappa looked in the othere avatar, and how we change in a short time....... and how life is short, and how you need to grieve, and how i hope everything works out for you....... it is not selfish to think of yourself especially when grieving, my thoughts and prayers are with you
take careful notes and write a hub on it later. or make it part of a book.
for instance, i have a sister who is the step mother to her ex-fiance, which also makes her the step grandmother to her ex-fiance's child. this as a result of her marrying her ex-fiance's father, who also happened to be her boss at the time. in order for this to all occur, she first had to marry a redneck. shortly thereafter they performed the act of procreation in order to provide a pure-blooded grandchild before my father died of cancer. disregard the fact that my brother and sister-in-law had adopted three siblings long before her and the redneck procreated. in her eyes, the three siblings weren't pure blood.
this is only the first paragraph of the second chapter.
Thank you Miss Take it does make me feel a bit better knowing that others are still praying for my family in our time of grief. And I have already sent the wife a message telling her I'm done with her and her childish ways. I told her she can b!tch all she wants about it but our plans aren't going to change and that she can go tell people how bad we are when in fact it's just her making herself look bad. And that I am done with her. SO we shall see what happens.
And blue dog I am srory that she feels that way. she sounds like Cinderella's step mom!
although i hate using the phrase, it is what it is.
*HUGS* to you for having to deal with that mess.
i think i forgot to mention that she divorced the redneck shortly after she gave birth to her daughter, and equally shortly after my father died so that she could marry her boss. yes, that would be the father to her ex-fiance. shortly after that grand union, which i obviously could not attend due to prior social commitments, she informed my mother that she (my mother) was being relocated to a newer home..
well, no need to go any further. you get the idea...
was reading this post and it is a sad thing for you crazdwriter, hugs for ya
thanks alexa I definitely need the hugs today virtual or real
youre welcome, youre a pretty thing with your papa, ( I read through the thread)
I am so sorry Crazd. Isn't it wonderful the amount of crap some people can put on facebook? And, unfortunately, even if she were to be visited by three ghosts, she wouldn't get it.
CW...take a deep breath, grab an nice warm cup of joe or whatever it is that you like in the morning and just breath. Family when stretched miles apart is extremely hard to deal with when each wants their own time with the parents etc.
Yes, they are being unreasonable and I have a similar situation here only it is a little reversed. We all deal with it and it isn't in your best interest to get this stressed out. Your back will flare up again and that won't help with the Christmas shopping or the cleaning.
If talking about it won't help, smile and say in your best southern voice, "that's nice" it means FU.
smile smile smile, I will say "thats nice" too to relatives who are annoying me, Hi Lynnechandler
ooooo I can say "that's nice" hehehehe of course the whole kill 'em kindness has been shot down because of her. lmao at least now I have a reason NOT to go over there when my husband wants to though I do enjoy seeing my nieces.
yea I definitely need coffee...been up since 5 this morning and didn't go to bed until 11 last night...
I'll try Lynne to calm down and breath...it's hard though. And what really makes it hurt more is that they don't even give a damn that I have lost someone. and if I had done that to them they would be having a hissy fit.
but like people say you can't make everyone happy.
Yo BG...*clears throat and smiles sickley sweet* thats nice.
how was that lynne?
Hi Alexandria and that is awesome CW. There is a story that goes with "that's nice" it goes like this:
Three southern women were sitting around expounding on how wonderful their husbands were. The fist says in a rather dripping accent "My Charles is so sweet. For our anniversary he bought me this diamond bracelet." The second lady gushes and the third says "that's nice". The second then tries to top the first by saying that her Daniel is the best because he took them on an all expenses paid trip around the world to see all the wonders. The first of course gushes and the third says "that's nice". They other two turn and look at her and say we know William is a wonderful man what has he done for you.
She looks at them very demurely and says "He sent me to charm school where I learned to say, "that's nice" instead of FU"
I am soooo going to have to remember "That's nice." Should come in very handy!
Thanks for the story Lynne.
Glad you all enjoyed my little tale that gets me through the family gatherings. Just smile and nod and say "that's nice". It will make you feel so much better.
I will remember those words, thanks Lynne and for your help too commenting in my hub...
hmm I'll have to practice my sweet smile...I'm rusty..it would probably be the FU look
thinking of just deleting her from FB so I don't have to deal with her childish antics like posting stupid status' like that one she did. what do you think?
Crazdwriter, I feel for you hun! Its to bad there is no hugging smiley, I would give you loads of em . Family can really ruin christmas . Personally after last christmas I have told Clive I don't want to go anywhere, just stay home and have a quiet day for christmas. Loads of laying in and decent movies, maybe some nice traditional christmas dinner, sushi! (had that with a friend of ours a few years back when we couldn't travel and our friend was going to be alone for the holiday).
I hope that you and your mother in law really hit it off and that it makes up for this headache. It does go against stereotypes to like your mother in law but it does happen. I won the jackpot with mine, she is better family then my blood family . Perhaps finding a good friend in your mother in law will be the best present this year.
I'm sorry you have to deal with family like that too Kristen. but hey sushi with friends sounds way better
God its way better! The holidays are supposed to be about sharing joy with people you love, sadly those people are not always our relatives! and that sure messes just about everything up. My family is on the other side of the planet and in some ways that is a blessing, I get a call and they pass me around and then its over. My mother in law is great but Clive does not get on well with his brother at all and does not know how to keep his mouth shut which leads to a mess of drama. I like his brother ok, we just have different values and Gary (brother in law) his wife n kids and I avoid those issues and try to have fun but Clive does not respect Garys values and its to much to get in the middle of that mess so I said no visit this year. Last year they told Clive he was no longer welcome there, that I would always be welcome but not Clive! We could start a holiday type soap opera here couldn't we? I mean my family on the other side of the globe has problems, dad took out a restraining order on his sisters and his only family so is probably going to be lonely this christmas and my husband can't get on with his brother and you got drama with your family, we got the workings of a good soap
yea mommy-in-law isn't happy with her son or daughter in law at all. She doesn't want her two sons fighting and I do hope she puts her foot down but she has already told her one son, the one throwing the fit, that she is staying with us since we are the oens who paid for the ticket, the whole ticket, and she wants to bond with me. so yea lorlie...the other two are baing big babies about the whole thing and not even thinking about how this is affecting us especially me right now.
I would suggest at the risk of sounding critical that all involved take a step back and think about the mature thing to do. Granted your sis-in-law may not do the same but that does not excuse you from doing so. This is first and foremost an issue between two brothers, and secondly very petty. This woman is not a treat for dogs to fight over, but a person and your husbands mother. This should be about doing what is best for her and insures a great holiday for her. You are my friend and I feel your grief and pain over your recent loss but I do believe you are taking this way to deep.
Take the high road, keep a smile on your face and do the best you can to enjoy the time with your mother-in-law, and show the composure and grace to allow your husband to do the same. making a war out of it is only going to ruin it for both and make all involved look like petty children. First and foremost this is not about you or what "she" may be saying to hurt your feelings. Its about your mother-in-law, and husband. Do not allow your feelings of pain over a recent loss to push you to hasty and regretful actions. Two years after my mother and grandmother's passing in the winter of 2007 I still have not talked to my sister and the relationship between my brother and I is severely strained because we all allowed grief and anger to turn a petty and trivial argument into something damaging and hurtful to the whole family.
Thanks Scott I am going to do what is the best for his mother even if they can't accept that fact that she has spoken to them many times telling them flat out she is staying with us the entire 2 weeks plus with my parents Christmas weekend. If they want to be babies about it then fine. But our plans aren't going to change so I should just brush it off. Sorry for venting
I think we all know you are just venting and there's no need to apologize but bear in mind someone has to be the adult in this situation and its not always an easy responsibility or a pleasant one. However those who count will notice and appreciate it.
Now why did you go and be so mature about the situation, Scott? Seriously, though, you are quite right!
hey crazd, sorry to hear the immaturity of your sister-in-law.
I so agree with scottlifes advice, definitely take the high road and remember how papa would want to see you... your 'sis' in law wants you to cave in and get upset thus the petty facebook status.
take some deep breaths, a morning walk and clear your mind.
if you don't want to delete her, just remove her postings from your news feed. she won't know it and will waste her time continuing to post her status and you won't even see it!!!! ha.
good luck~ one day at a time girl.
Thanks rebekah...I would so love to take a walk but don't feel like walking in the rain. YAY WE'RE GETTING RAIN FINALLY!
But yes I am going to ignore her and her husband's pittiful childish ways and be more mature about it. I just needed to vent and it get it off my head before I explode!
Hmm maybe we can call it "A taste of the darkside: the In-Laws"
Genius! One of the evil lady in laws should have one of those little rat dogs rich ladys carry in their purses......
ewwww I love all animals don't get me wrong but those things...LMAO
OH guess what I saw yesterday?
A dog breed called Taco Terrier
I love animals too but I think those dogs look sickly, selective breeding so that we can have 'toy' animals seems cruel to me
Sad thing is they aren't even "toy" just a smaller version though ppl like to call them toys lol poor babies!
I love a good sloppy mut! The funniest and friendlies dog I ever had was a pure bread mut
I miss that dog, we called him thelonious after thelonious monk but his nick name was felonious for stealing our socks! And getting into more mud n parasitic bugs like ticks uck! He was a good bad doggie
HAHA stole your socks. My dog would steal my mom and dads socks hehe...now I have a kitten who steals my bras
I am not allowed pets where I live But there is this neighborhood cat who visits just about every house on the street and steals all our food! She is a FAT KITTY! (I have seen bigger but Its fun to tease her)
I hear you loud and clear! My sisters haven't been around for ten years to see our folks. They live near me and I help out alittle. My sisters haven't even written or called either. My parents did their will to make me sole beneficiary, I can't wait to see those fireworks!
LMAO you never know Denno. It was cute though but...I think I'll stick with the huskies and the golden retrievers, maybe a little lady like lady and the tramp
Oh and a comfort retriever. THEY ARE SOOOO CUTE!!!! it's a mix of a goldern retirever and cocker spaniel. OMG Denno the face!
Crazedwriter I hope we got you cheered up a bit n giggling about cute furry animal friends n such. I am shattered and ready to eat dinner n go to bed. Had to hobble to the doctors office today for a sick note for work, she had one look at my ankle and said 'that wont be healed in a week better give you a note for 2 weeks' of course thats when the school breaks up for the holidays but hey thats more time for hubbin! I hope you have a great evening or day if thats what it is in your part of the world
oooo hope your ankle heals quickly girlie that is no fun...did you read my story I told you on your other post about your ankle?
and yes thanks to you guys I feel better. now
I don't remember you telling me about a story to check out before but I had a look round your hubs n found one I suspected was the one you were talking about and left a comment. Hope I found the right one
aaaa I am nice! I am going to send them a card and have gotten them a Walmart gift card for them even though apparently we are no longer welcome at their house.
I would just ignore them and what they say. You know you are doing the right thing and that is all that counts.
wow, im really sorry to hear how they're treating you. are you okay cw?
Hi Crazedwriter --
I'm coming in late and so missed some sage advice as well as discussion/diversion of fuzzy critters.
I feel your pain. I end of saying to myself (sometimes aloud), "What about ME? Don't I get a say in this?" Apparently more often than not the answer is NO.
Don't let your in-laws steal your joy. They will never see things your way and you will never see things their way. They deserve to spend time with your mother-in-law "just because" they are family. But it's up to her (MIL) to decide how she wants to spend the time during her visit. Not you and your hubby or "the bitch" and her hubby.
Hate to sound like a Pollyanna -- and God knows I'm as cynical as they come -- but be grateful that you have the means to fly her out. Try not to resent others for living their lives differently.Hard to do but if you force yourself to pray for your sister-in-law every day for 2 weeks I swear it works.
Besided, since you haven't met your sister-in-law you don't know how it will feel to have her around you for such an extended visit. You may discover that after a few days you will welcome her having another place to visit! Good luck!!! MM
Thanks UW, MM, and Steven...I am going to ignore them or at least do what lynne said earlier, smile and say "that's nice." a nicer way of saying FU
But what really gets to me is the fact that they obviously don't care that they are putting MIL in the middle and adding to her stress. Or care that I am still dealing with a loss in the family. Eh I say screw 'em. they want to be jerks then that is them. Sad thing is BIL doesn't act this way it's all HER!
Hey Crazd, I'm showing up late because I'm working a lot of hours right now. 70 hrs last week. I've had to go through this crap too, and finally I got my head on straight and decided the following:
1. Live by this motto: "What others think of me is none of my business." So what if they bad-mouth you. You don't have to live up to any of it, and when you hear it, it just brings you down. Let them bitch about you, but you don't have to respond in kind. That only puts you on their level. And if she's a bitch, she'll continue to prove it over and over, so there's no argument there. You can be at peace because you know that you are doing what you believe you should, and sticking to your values and principles. You are accomodating everyone the best you can, and if that's not enough for your sister-in-law, that's just her drama, not yours.
2. Play dumb. Really. When all my family turned against me through two divorces, when I lost my kids for four long years before they came back to me, I kept playing dumb about all the gossip and drama. I kept my mouth shut and when I got stood up by my kids for vacations and everything else, I forgave them and kept telling them I loved them. When they tried to hurt me saying terrible things, I laughed instead of cried. I just said, "Wow, that sounds way too dramatic for me. Glad that's your drama, not mine." It hurt like hell, but eventually it got better. Real friends and family returned after big losses, but most of all I have wonderful, non-toxic people in my life now. So when drama hits the fan, stupid things are posted on FB, laugh it off. She is already haunted with her own demons and she is the one who is obviously miserable. Why do you have to go there with her?
Just hoping that after the loss of your Pappa that you can keep things in perspective about what the drama really is. It's petty and unimportant. You have the right to make the best of your time with your mom-in-law, and you don't have to listen to the background noise.
Sending good vibes, amiga.
thanks Daniel I appreciate it
yes MIL go on their case and set them straight especially because I'm dealing with the loss. So hopefully that b!tch slapped them awake lol
You are one smart gal, Crazd. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you, all advice aside. Just get to your calm place inside, and think for a second or two before you respond, and you'll do fine. You have every right and reason to have a wonderful Christmas.
lol Hubpolice love the pic!
How have you been dude? Haven't seen you around in a while.
Good thanks, hoping your Christmas is a little more stress free from here-on in.
I took care of these sort of problems years ago, I disowned my entire family, I recommend it.
Know what ya mean about how family treats family sometimes. My brother still is not talking to me because I chose to divorce my husband, 4 years after the fact. He wasn't even friends with my husband, but my brother still chose him over me. It sucks, but sometimes family almost becomes a matter of personal politics.
Ask Grandma! She may want to see the entire family, but that doesn't mean that it has to be the majority of the visit. Have a Merry Christmas....if you can!
When my kids' two paternal grandparents were still alive we had a similar thing. My sister-in-law "couldn't travel" (because her little kids were essentially out-of-control and ran the whole show). As a result, the sister-in-law and family never came to see us. The only time they "could" see us when I'd bring ALL THREE of my kids (who "happened to be" kids you could travel with ) to see their grandparents (and then the sister-in-law, her husband, and their out-of-control kids could get to Grandma's, because they didn't live far from her). This, of course, meant that for just about every dinner there would be (I'm not exaggerating here) a four-hour debate about what we'd "all" do for dinner (and with 5 adults and 5 children, some people's dietary restrictions and other people's vegetarianism; along with the fact that few involved had anything close to similar tastes in food - most of our visits were all about the dinner debate and her out-of-control kids turning things to havoc.)
Still, the fact was her kids were horrible. It wasn't her fault that she didn't know how to have well behaved kids; and the only way our kids would get to know their aunt, uncle, and cousins was if they spent time when we happened to go visit Grandma. We just accepted whoever had which kind of kids, who had which money to travel, and the fact that things were what they were. Not to be a big downer here, but the aggravations of differences among family members aren't worth being upset over. In my family, today "Grandma" and "Grandpa" are long gone; and horribly, so is one of my sister-in-law's children. We were there on one of the crazy visits on a Saturday (he was toddler), and by the following Wednesday he was gone. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to be "wise, old, crone" (or whatever); but - really - most people (and their relatives) do the best they can, and nobody's perfect anyway. I think you just have to go with "what is" and be glad you all have one another. Sometimes if people are struggling with money they either can't save anything, or else have to use what the manage to save to do something like pay bills or buy put Christmas together for their kids. If I were in that situation and someone arranged that my parents could come within visiting range, I'd be happy, grateful, and probably do just what your relatives are planning to do.
Seriously, I'd tell them to naff off. And I'd have said that before the childish, snipey FB message. The minute I saw that I'd have then said 'and that just shows why we're going to have a merrier Christmas without you'.
Family ties don't have to include false niceties simply to keep the peace. Because if the wife's as you say and your brother-in-law is how he is, what peace are you keeping?
You're just papering over the cracks. Seems to me they're going to call you black what ever you do.
Don't sweat family crap, have the Christmas that suits your little brood. Shoulder in and ignore the Munsters.
Whatever happens, enjoy as best you can the coming festivities. It's about your needs too.
I spent far too many years (39 out of 41) trying to bend and bow to suit several members of my family. I'm so glad I finally found the balls to say 'enough'. And you know what? They still piss and moan about me with wild abandon - and it's no worse simply because I refused to deal with 'it' anymore.
But the real crux of the matter is ... I'm so much the happier for it
I'm sure you'll manage, whatever happens - merry Christmas to the household. Just get drunk on sherry
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