How do you cope with feeling your life turned out all wrong?
I know the common strategies for general coping - thinking positively, being grateful, believing that "It's never too late to be what you might have been," going to counseling, and on and on. But at those moments when you look at facebook, etc and see pictures of your friends with their families around them, people who have grandchildren, etc. etc., and you have little of that in your life - how do you cope at those moments? I imagine there's no "silver bullet". You try to be very grateful for what you do have and immerse yourself in your work and helping others, but...
Deedeelaw, I have recently decided that I want to make the last chapters "spectacular". Thank you for that image!
Couple of things come to mind. One, identify and experience the feeling(s) that accompanies those "moments" of looking at Facebook. Is it loss (grief)? Is it loneliness, feeling disconnected, etc.? Two, is "life' something that happens to an individual or is it something an individual can influence? It sounds like the person who looks at FB has a preference for spectating rather than active participation. If that is the case, I wonder why? Lastly, I think "all wrong" might be overstated and should be challenged. Life is not right or wrong, it is lived.
Very good points, Bruce. Thank you. Did I mention to you before that my dearest college friend and the dear friend he married are Beaudet's? Chuck designs exquisite quality jewelry in Eugene, OR.
Your college friend is probably related to me somewhere down the line. Wishing you all the best.
“I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.” Leo Rosten
It is not a bad thing to feel down now and then. It gives a person an opportunity for reflection and maybe change. Do not believe everything you see on FB. Those happy faces never tell the whole story.
Volunteer for a pet rescue group and get licked by some puppies.
I read your profile and it is obvious that you have done special things and made a difference to many people. Your abilities have set you apart from most people. How do you have time for facebook?
Anne, the quote is beautiful. Thank you for your kind words about my profile. I'm deciding to embrace DashingScorpio's quote: 'People don't post photos of themselves crying on facebook.' I love it. Thank you again. Cheers!
This is very hard I had this problem too. They even did a study going on facebook makes some people depressed, but you sound like you know the basis to "help" it by thinking positive and all that and that barley helps because most people don't truly do it, they know about but don't do it. But for me, I just let go of everything and eventually.. I got to the point where none of that affected me. I don't know if it's because my positive words finally settled in and made me undepressed but I truly no longer cared. I think it's something that'll go on it's own and not something you have to cope with. If you want I have 2 excellent hubs that could help you tremendously. Look on my profile, all the best to you
Poetic, I like your approach. I'll check out your hubs that you mentioned might help. I love the phrase "all that barley". I might just adopt it!
Here is the thing, I could easily be the epitome of all those things you mention, however because I was willing to keep an open mind and continue to learn, I was able to have a spiritual awakening of the educational variety and an educational awakening of the spiritual variety.
I got sober at age 42, got a college degree at age 48 and got a kick ass job at age 49, along the way I learned that everything I had ever been taught including my college education was and is total BS.
I recognized that the world we live in and what we are taught to believe is so far from reality that it is no wonder most people go through life completely ignorant as 99% of the world's population simple doesn't have the courage or the imagination to realize the truth.
When you realize that this isn't your first rodeo and certainly won't be your last, then it becomes much easier to begin the lesson, try to gain some true wisdom and take the test.
Action baby, three frogs sitting on a log one decides to jump, how many are left?
Just deciding too doesn't amount to squat, taking action requires courage and a willingness to change, grow and learn. After all if you already knew everything, what would be the point.
You are here for a reason and who is to say that the reason isn't to go through life alone! Have you tried giving and expecting absolutely nothing in return.
Ya reckon Jesus was a giver or a taker?
Who is to say that your life hasn't turned out exactly as it was intended to?
You, that would be some extreme arrogance, you plan on dying soon?
As Clint Eastwood said in The Outlaw Jose Wales . . . "get busy living, or get busy dying, boy!"
That's right; it is all about the experience... An occasional numbskull learns along the way, while the many go with the flow in an aimless fashion all while the majority acts as mere variables within other peoples' path. The sun sets & rises..
ALL: You are all VERY kind! I'm very touched to the point of tears. Since one of the recommendations is to "get busy" and be giving in the world - I'm off to do that - I'll get back to each of your comments in a while.
Life generally is never what any really expects everything happens and sometimes things do go wrong but it is up to the individual to change things and make their lives useful to suit them and for them to know what its is they actually want from life, not everyone can be successful.
DDE, (love how your name is kinda like a play on words (names) True. Like you mentioned, I'm trying to figure out what I actually want this last chapter of my life to be.
Billie.....Hello there! When I come upon a hubber I have never met, I immediately go to their profile, to become a bit familiar. After reading your profile....I became confused at your question!
Billie.....I'm Paula....some hub-buddies call me "effer"..(long story). Nice to meet you. I'm just going to say it: If YOU find the need to cope with feeling your life turned out all wrong..........I'm about 45 years past when I should have committed suicide! Seriously, hon.
The short profile I just read, speaks to me of a very accomplished woman, with a dream-resume......someone full of love, joy and confidence. A woman who has obvious talent, a much-loved & loving husband/hero......and a daughter she is proud of and adores. You are all the things you should be...and more than most hope or strive for.
Believe me, I LOVE my life and am quite well-adjusted and productive....but it was a HELL of a ride, getting here, girlfriend. MY LIFE TURNED OUT JUST BEAUTIFULLY. So did yours. Say it, embrace it, believe it!! Whoever you are, whatever you have, OR lack....whatever you do.....it is ALL, exactly as it was meant to be. The Universe makes NO mistakes. That is a true, PROVEN, fact. You are YOU....and not another soul, can ever be anything quite like you. The word is, "UNIQUE," and isn't that a marvelous concept?
I wish you my best.......
Thank you for such wonderful encouragement. This is quite beautiful. I really don't know how to respond other than to say I'm very touched, fpherj48.(I suspect your "name" might be consistent with a "rap" I wrote about how women my age don't say **)
LOL!! No, but that's a fair guess. My profile name "fpherj48,"( a group of initials)...can be pronounced "FER-Jay" if one wants to make it a word. But my good hub pal, Sunshine 625 said "EFFER" is easier,and it took off like wild fire w/ hubbers.
self-assessment is always very difficult when attempting to judge oneself against the lives of others. I believe Albert Einstein said it best.
"From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other - above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received."
I think everyone has their point of "What if I had done something else with my life?" It doesn't make us less grateful for what we have now. It only makes us wonder if we could have done something better along the way. Family can also mean a nagging spouse or disrespectful children. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
Thanks Diana. Everyone struggles, that's true. I guess when we're brave enough to "wonder if we could have done something better along the way," it opens us up to doing something better NOW. Cheers!
First, it's premature to determine that your life turned out all wrong; your life is not over. You can choose to alter that prediction.
Second, your prediction seems to be affected by comparison with other people. May I share? I used to be the only one among my friends who was not a grandmother. That changed three months ago and my joy is no less full because it came later than theirs. I used to cope by facing the reality: I cannot make grandchildren.
Third, there must be some things about your life that turned out or are turning right. You asked a question six hours ago, and people from different parts of the world are responding. That would not be true of a life gone all wrong.
Start noticing, accepting and recording the ways in which you prove yourself worthy of life.
MsDora, as usual you have great insight. I don't think my grandmother situation will change in the foresee-able future, but that could happen. 'Count your blessings, don't compare your blessing with other's blessings' (I just heard that recently)
Wise words Ms Dora.
Life is all about choices. This may not be the answer you want to hear. But you choose to live the life you have, not to mourn for the life you wish you have.
Take a moment and look around you at those whose lives are much worse than yours and it may help...not will help, it may help.
When my eldest grandson was very young he was diagnosed with a disease that has been his life ever since. Most of the first eight years of his life were spent in the Ronald McDonald House or the hospital. And it was difficult. But every time we started to even wince at the life we had all we had to do was to look at the hundreds of adults and children who were much worse off than he was. And that put it into perspective.
So for what it is worth...take a look at your life...and see it for what it is ...embrace it...live this life or take steps to change what makes you unhappy or discontent.
And know that I am sending Angels to you this day ...and may the best come your way ps
Pstraubie48, you add true perspective with the story of your grandson. Thank you for "the Angels" You're very kind.
In all honesty our lives are for the most part the result of the choices and decisions (we) made along the way. Sometimes we said "yes" to things we should have said "no" to and other times we said "no" when we should have said "yes". In essence our lives turned out the way they did because of what (we) did or did not do. However as long as you are living it's not over! A single person may marry someone who already has children and grand-children, an older couple may become foster parents, or adopt children if that's important to them. One can always make friends if they decide to. Join clubs or groups of people who have similar interests as yourself. It's not over until (you) say it's over.
Life is a (personal) journey.
It's important to remember when you look at photos that they are nothing more than a "frozen moment" in time. I'm certain you have photos of yourself smiling or laughing with friends while attending a party, social event, or on a vacation. Not many people are going to post photos themselves crying on Facebook nor are they going advertise the problems they had with their children, in-laws, heartbreaks, and relationship disappointments. No one I know of has had the "perfect life". Whatever your station is in life there are lots of people out there who would be GLAD to swap places with YOU!
Cute: "not many people are going to post photos of themselves crying on Facebook" That has GOT to be the quote of the decade! Love it! I know what you're saying abt the "swapping" places - nor would we want to swap if it came down to it, right?
I feel some of the things have happen to our lives (especially the bad ones) are sometimes hard to explain at the time but in retrospect they have been a blessing. So indeed gratitude for whatever is happening at the present moment helps us to accept the present circumstances because one never knows it could very well be a blessing in disguise. I have written a recent article called " How to Self Heal with Good karma" which you may like to read and perhaps give you a bit of help you in this direction. Thank you and all the best
I like the "good karma" concept. And the fact that 1 never knows if something is a blessing in disguise. In 2005 my husband was laid off and we had to sell the house we bought. Guess what? It was JUST before the bubble burst. - true blessing
There are some things in my life that turned out better than I could have hoped for. I have a loving wife & 3 beautiful loving children. I get along with my mom & brothers & sisters better than ever.
But there are some things in my life that did not turn out the way I wanted. After 56 years, I realize there is nothing I can do about those things. That doesn't mean they don't still bother me. It just means I have come to terms. I look for what it is in life that has turned out well for me. I focus on those things. I remain disappointed in things that turned out "wrong," but I do not dwell on them. I realize that almost everyone on this Earth has been or is disappointed about something. "It is not a perfect world." But like a game of cards, the hand has been dealt, so I make the best of the hand I'm dealt. And, I am happy to be in the game.
One thing I learned some years ago. I can walk into a crowded room. Say a party. And I see and hear everyone laughing and having a great time. My first thought used to be they all seem to be leading great lives. No problems. No worries. But talk to each and everyone after the party & you are bound to find that is not true. It is difficult to realize sometimes that we are not the only one with problems. Knowing the truth, makes me understand that I am lucky if there is one thing in my life that makes me happy.
When I hear questions such as this, I cannot help but feel sad that I cannot make everyone happy somehow. I hear the religious always praying that happiness will be bestowed on them when they die. I wish happiness be bestowed on ALL now. Praying won't do it either. Doing it will do it. There is no good reason for all the sadness in the world. There is no plan that people be sad. Lonely people should have family & friends to turn to. Ostracized people should not be shunned. Handicapped should be whole. The ill should be healthy. The sad should be happy.
I wish I knew a magic word that would brighten the world. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave. It is disappointing that I do not. All I can do is wish everyone happiness. All I can suggest is to find something that brings a smile to your face. No matter if it be something great or something insignificant in the eyes of others. Find what makes you smile. And do it. And be it. And if you can make someone else smile too, do that - not because of promises of heaven, but because it will make them & you happy.
And for whatever my time is worth, I am willing to listen. Be happy!
Rt, lovely! The one reason why I feel happy that my daughter started to focus on comedy is because for that time she's on the stage, she truly does bring a smile to others' faces. I that wish that each of us has quite noble in our human existence.
You mentioned facebook, be aware that the photos, stories you see on facebook are of course, some of the best moments people have had, but that doesn't mean they are perfect or without problems. If viewing it makes you feel any less, then don't look at it. Why do something that is going to upset you. Even the most successful have a reason to feel something is missing in their lives. Don't compare yourself to others, everyone is different with different circumstances. Live a simpler life, remove any clutter in your home or even in the car, get a new houseplant to bring in more oxygen, go for a walk...enjoy fresh air, take a couple of deep breaths and let it out slowly once in a while. Hang a wind chime inside or out. Eat well balanced meals/avoid packaged food. This will help you have clearer thoughts on making your life what you want it to be. Focus on what you do have and not on what you don't.
Great practical hints, Lupine. Have you made a nice hub on these points because I think they would be great since they are a combination of various points, packaged into one.
Billie, Thanks. No I haven't made a hub on this, but good suggestion.
I have no idea how to answer this-I guess it's different for everyone at different times in their lives-sometimes better and sometimes worse. These things used to give me fits, too, and then I started reading Kurt Vonnegut's books and realized it wasn't just me. Ah, Uncle Kurt! He sure knew how to put things in perspective. Yes, perhaps there has been some huge cosmic mistake and you've been put on the wrong planet through no fault of your own. So now you have a choice: you can be Billie Kelpin, or you can be Kilgore Trout, or you can be Philboid Studge. If I were you I go for Billie. No one ever understood Kilgore, not that he cared. No one ever understood Philboid, and why would they. Nope, your better off being Billie-and be happy with that.
You're adorable! I read 1 or 2 of V's books yrs ago, but I think I should try that again. I love the concept of "some huge cosmic mistake". I find that delightfully humorous. I've wondered if we're all here by mistake b/c so much is unfathomable.
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