The bull is still going on with them...the brother and sister-in-law. Theystill aren't getting what we are telling them including my MIL (mom-in-law). We ahve to tell them our plans again and again and again and it;s like talking to a damn wall.
Tonight I am crying hard. I just buried my grandpa YESTERDAY and I am already stressed wtih everything I have to do before MIL comes as well as the constant stress of finding a home to move inot after our lease is up in 2 months and looking for a job and now I hear that my husband's brother yelled at him and called him a selfish b@stard!!!! and he is FAR from selfish and for his brother to call him that? He is hurt and with the stress of work and school...he doesn't need this sh!t and neither does MIL who is being put in the damn middle.
What can I do? I feel so damn helpless!!! I mean damn I am still in the grieving process of losing my grandpa plus wondering how I am going to handle the 26th which was his birthday. And now my husband and MIL are getting hrut by these cruel jerks. What can I do? what can I do? It hurts...ir hurts so much to see my husband hurting because of his damn brother.
What can I do????
I cant even begin to imagine the pain that you feel right now and i am truly sorry for your loss. But hears some advice i can offer you. I recently learned in my Human Growth and development class that grief is perfectly normal and it will take time for you to get over the tragedy.its a process first you must acknowledge the loss, work through the emotional turmoil, adjust to the environment where deceased is absent and lastly loosen ties to the deceased. Good luck and please do not let any other stress get you down
Lay it out there girl. Express some rage - in a harmless way, so you won't regret it.
You are having a stress meltdown. Too many things going on right now.
I'm usually a good shoulder to cry on, but I can also be a good target to vent on. So let it fly. Get it out of your system and you will have the focus then to deal with your things.
then when you are done, you can
I'm off to bed, I'll check in with you tomorrow.
It's OK to cry, if you don't let it out your mind will be too cluttered and you need to do your grieving. It will linger on you.
So so sorry for your loss. You are strong enough!
I don't know if advice that works for one person works for another, but I would say there is a mountain of difference between expressing your rage directly to them, and expressing your rage, period.
Sometimes (and I'm not saying in this case necessarily), it is good to write an angry email, put it in your drafts and NOT send it... or, at least, wait ten to twelve days before considering doing so. This has helped me in the past (I have also *sent* emails like that; it was damaging....)
Oh yeah, no kidding there. I sent one too - to a close family member years ago.
I felt so much better when I wrote it, but then everything hit the fan when the family found out about the letter. I was the victim before the letter, she was the victim after I sent it. That didn't help me out at all.
How are you today Crazd?
thanks jen...I appreciate it. the only person I want to take my anger out on is his stupid brother. I am wondering if I even want to give him the gift we have bought for him and his family.
Trade it for a holiday sweater. A gaudy itchy one.
pgundy did a hub on passive aggressive gifts - check it out.
Hang on in there chica
do they have kids? just buy presents for them and not the adults.
i'm sorry you are going through all of this. yuck.
just stop and take a big deep breath and break everything down into manageable chunks and come up with a plan for each one.
the brother: screen the calls, and take the calls yourself to avoid your brother getting upset.
the sis-in-law: just ignore her, that's all she needs
the MIL: shield her as much as possible and stick to your plans.
the plans: restate your plans firmly and specifically and leave it at that, and tell them in a non-emotional way that they will have to work around it with their own plans and stress that this has to be a happy time for her.
your Papa: keep him in your heart and look forward to the 26th, when you will set aside some quiet time just for him and revisit him quietly. don't let them ruin that for you. you can have a tree planted in his memory somewhere on his birthday through the Arbor Day foundation.
your lease: shop online for a new apartment. set all this anguish aside just for tonight, boil some coffee and make some brownies and you and your hubby can have fun looking for a new place online.
anyway, i hope this helps a little, (((CW))).
Agreed, wyanjen, hang on, and do read that hub, it's priceless.
Love ya, and hey, why don't you and your hubby take a couple of walks in the evening-does wonders.
I wish that were true but this is one Christmas I can't wait to get over
lol might have to do that. it just makes me ashamed to call them family
wow, im so sorry those jerks are still putting you through all this. you definitely don't deserve this, and i would call THEM selfish for not considering what you and your husband is going through.
Don't let them ruin your holiday, Crazd! If I were you, I'd have a private chat with the brother-in-law. But that's just me - I tackle problems head on. If I don't, they fester inside my head and my heart.
I'll be thinking about you, chica. Mmmmm...sending you hugs!
thanks Adsense...I'll have to do that...of course I might accidently hit send lol
I think I may have ended my five year relationship by pressing send... However, a year later, when things had come to a head, I wrote a very cathartic email to the same person and did *not* click send... seemed to help my psychological state a lot. (You might also want to try NLP -- this has helped me a lot, in many situations. Try http://www.modernjedi.com )
thanks Steven...I don't care if they are putting me through this I care more about my husband and MIL. neither of them need this bull
I'm really trying not to let them habee but it's really hard...really really hard. I want to talk to bro-in-law but I know that it'll end badly
It sounds like you have people taking advantage of you and yours at a time when you are feeling low. If it were me, I would be straight forward, and call a family meeting and just be open honest and let family know how your side of the family is feeling. Sometimes just stating things outloud, makes people realize how badly they are acting.,..
i agree with the guys that said you should confront your family about this. there's no excuse for them to treat you like this, so you owe it to yourself to confront them. they might not even be aware they're doing this to you. that's why you need to call them out on it before it gets out of hand.
yes you really should, but get pumped and in the confrontational side first with this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyFodXE4 … re=related
This is so ironic.
Ever since I married Richard, his brother has been against me. Mainly because I am sick he treats as though I am not good enough for him. In fact, just before we married, he told us that or should I say me, that he would not be his best man if he married me. How petty is that. He made me feel so unworthy to be Richard's wife because I was sick so much. He said that all he would be doing is taking me back and forth to hospital. I felt so bad that I almost took my own life. Richard refused to talk to him but just before the wedding, when he had already asked someone else to be his BM guess who comes forward to apologise and ask for another chance, you guessed it.
But, ever since we have been married, and it will be 20 years next year, he has been to our place in Thornlands twice. Because of his attitude towards me, poor Richard hardly ever hears from him, which I feel is my fault. Although, family and friends have said, it isn't your fault, he is the one with the problem, but I just wish he spoke to Richard more, because he is his only brother, so you see it makes it very difficult to feel responsible, yet not being able to do anything to make things any beter than they are. I wish you lots of luck with your situation and will keep you in my prayers also. Take care and god bless, BB
I just don't know...I want to confront them...I just don't know! I seriously hate christmas for the first time in my life
Try my idea first, then have a cooling-off period and see... often the best thing to do is wait and see how things pan out before leaping into action (I certainly find typing out all kinds of thoughts and ideas in a Word document has helped me very much -- sometimes the benefit comes a few days later, mentally, but I think my mind feels listened to if I type stuff out and then (maybe) reread it...
I want to do it for my husband. He is hurt and stressed. My MIL is being torn, being the middle person and being the one who they are fighting over and she doesn't need that. his brother isn't even freakin' listening to what she has said. it's like talking to a d@mn WHIPPED wall. I know the wife is behind it too.
YAY and because of this stress I am awake and it's 12:08am...tears have made me tired but I can't sleep
well if you want, i would probably try adsense's advice first to collect your thoughts, since you don't want to talk irrationally out of anger because they might use that to make you look like that bad guy. take a few days to collect your thoughts and think about what exactly you want to say to them.
then confront them about it in a calm rational manner, so they'll know your being sincere.
I'll try...I'll write it out and reread it then send it later...though I would rather something now to his brother to let him know that I am ashamed and disgusted.
But don't resolve to send it for sure. Like I said, the email I wrote (the second time) has never been sent to this day... but it still helped me. Also, you'd have to decide if an email is the right way of communicating, as sometimes email correspondence can get very thorny.....
Also, personally, I find stress always makes things harder to deal with, as you say, so perhaps the very next day after your grandfather's funeral might not be the best time. That is also something to consider (perhaps)
yeah, i agree. just wait until after the funeral to collect your thoughts first and calm down. then once you do that,then figure out what you'll say to them once your in a more calmer state. trust me, some people will try to make you look like the bad guy if you come at them emotionally.
very true adsense but i doubt any day until way after christmas will be a good time since th 26th is...was my grandpa's bday and I'm having a hard time thinkng of celebrating without him.
It can be rough, it's certainly true; can you hold out for two weeks, do you think. Or, perhaps better, do you think sometime next week, so half-way between now and the 26th, would be better: this would give you plenty of time to consider how to go about it; you might have some valuable insights in the meantime (these are all just ideas, of course; I am not sure for sure what's best for someone else )
Everything's going to seem a lot worse when you've just lost your grandfather. Any chance you can take a day off from all the plans and start over after you've had a chance to rest?
earlier i said something about being confrontational, but maybe you should try and make them see things from you point of view you know with the stress and emotions and all i don't know if what i'm saying is any help because i'm young and don't have much experience but i like to try and help and comfort people
I just want this to be over with. I thought the holidays were supposed to be a happy time. all they bring is pain and grief this year.
life is like that, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but no matter who you are everybody has a lot of both and we just need to remember the good
hey crazd, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you can resolve the issues in the most peaceful way possible (although expect some fireworks along the way).
But I'm more worried about you chica. You need to have a break and relax or something. Can your hubby handle his family (issue) on his own?
I wouldn't want him to deal with it on his own. I want to be the one who b!tch slaps his brother with words. and i have...I slept on it and woke up early this morning. I have written an email and sent to his brother this morning. I hope he gets it soonand don't even care if the wife reads it. His brother has changed for the worse and it's sad.
Thanks though emi...it means a lot to me
yeah, i think you really need to confront them about this though. like i said earlier, just take a few days to collect your thoughts, then confront them about this in a calm rational way. you don't have to be hostile, but it does sound like you need to confront them about this sooner or later.
thanks guys...I need to get off and try to get some sleep it's already 1am here so yea need to try and get sleep. i'll most likely cry myself to sleep tonight.
ok take care and remember i'll be praying for you
i'll pray for you too. try to get some rest okay. sorry, i wasn't much help though. however, i do hope things work out for you.
Two things that are bound to help:
- crying (releasing some of that tension)
anyway, bacon i was just going to ask if you knew how to email pics to other hubpage users on here. i know how to do it on my regular e-mail account, but i don't know how to do it through hubpages though.
i don't think you can are you trying to get those pics to misty?
yeah, i am. i completely forgot about it until now. i hope she won't be mad about that. oh well, i already sent her an e-mail asking her to give me her email address, so i can send them to her.
i can email it to you if you want she already gave it to me the other day
thats cool. thanks man. i appreciate it. i owe you one.
It is very difficult.. families. We all live in our own realities. When one group truly believe 'their truth' and another believe their own. This leads to conflict and, therefore, potential aggression.
The point here is that you can not change another's point of view when it is so fixed. The only way is wait for the storm to calm, acknowledge their truth, and create a pathway for people to listen to your truth. There may be a way for the conflict to change to understanding and respect.
I dont know if this helps, but I hope so x
*suffering leads to wisdom. for how do we know suffering unless we have truly experienced it*
hey guys, im leaving you. you guys take care okay. see you all around.
Really sorry to hear this cr@p is still going on, Crazd. Hope that e-mail you sent does some good.
thanks Ivorwen I hope so too. and now I have this other jerk on HERE being rude to me. I answered his question with sarcasm and he said I need anger management classes. He doesn't know me nor my mood and he is being a jerk? wow...I hate ppl like that
I saw that. Decided on looking at his first post that he was just looking to cause trouble. We don't need that.
hiya just want you to know i have been following you today thinking about you and remembering you in my prayers. It's going to be hard for a while, all this death and ill feeling, and people who do not undersand. Try to relax, and listen to the ones who know and love you.
You Are So Special
you are a fighter, and an inspiration to so many
Hugs and kisses and oooooodles of affection
tired and waiting for hubby to get down here but still feeling hurt and disgusted on how they are acting. they pulled teh we have kids card again trying to make Ryan feel bad and do what they want.
OK, that is so far out of line. Kids are not an excuse. I've always had a problem with people who do that.
Here is advice you gave me during my meltdown a while back... I'm giving it back to you:
DEEEP breaths. Slow & easy, deep breaths.
Just hugs CW. Adsense made good sense about writing exactly what you think but not sending it till you've thought it over. Have a rant here, rather than at them. (You'll probably feel better if you can deal with them calmly, difficult as that may be.) It may also help to think of the people around you who love and support you, and to remember that even awkward and painful periods in our lives eventually pass. You won't have to put up with this for ever! Sorry to hear you lost your grandfather; I hope you'll be able to simply remember him with affection over the holiday.
I am sorry that you are hurts right now, but you will feel better as you "talk" it out so it will not bottle up inside you. I have had plenty of family conflicts myself. They all ganged up on me, but I don't care. I just live my own life. Take care.
Craz, I really feel for you, I wish I had advice that would help. The only thing I know for sure is your not alone., Kimberly xo
This is so common in families. We have had major battles in our family about Christmas plans, and we're not even that big a family. I also remember a time at Christmas, years ago, when my sister and her husband were mortally offended at something my brother and his wife said to them. The two couples were barely speaking for the next two years. And it seemed especially unfortunate that it happened during the holidays when "peace on earth, good will to men" was supposed to reign.
I've got a controlling sister, there is no doubt. Even though I don't agree with some of her principles or motivations for doing things, I just acknowledge that to her, and make moves to be flexible with my plans when I am able to do so. It seems to work out better for all concerned. Also, weirdly, when I volunteer my time and go out of my way to help her accomplish something, she turns me down, and says "I don't want you to go to that trouble." It's almost strange -- like taking the path of least resistance seems to have a reverse psychological effect upon her. In fact, she just said this very thing today, when I volunteered to go get her mother-in-law, and take her over to Dallas.
No matter. Your situation is that you are grieving, and have a lot on your mind, and I'm sorry you have been so upset. It will all work out, I am sure. It's definitely not good that your mother-in-law is put in the middle, though.
You have my support and prayers.
crazd, thinking about you. cosette has good advice, breaking it up into manageable chunks. I always tell myself things are never as bad as they seem, it's just our current state of mind that makes it seem worse. just try to stay in the now and manage that.
Thank you all for your great advice. I did take Adsenses' advice but I did hit send. Then today both hubby and I recieved a phone call with the brother apologizing. WOW! I was shocked. I do hope that my email hit a nerve that would be great!
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately we can choose our friends, but not our family! Don't let him ruin your Christmas. Good Luck!
Nope I was wrong. A day AFTER the stupid brother apologized he called his mom to tell her that they HAVE TO HAVE her on Saturday, the 26th, the day we already said we were going to be going to the zoo with a bunch of other people. And they know that that is...was my Papa's birthday. but no they said that they have to have on Saturday because *waves BIG A$$ B&LLSH!T FAG* sis-in-laws grandma wants to go to Sea World too and has a doc appointment on Sunday. HER GRANDMOTHER DOESN"T GO ANYWHERE BUT TO WORK!!! And that is exaclty the kind of b&llsh!t she has pulled on other friends.
So I told Ryan fine...they can have her on Saturday and when he called his brother he flat out told him that I said he can go straight to h$ll. And I am definitely not regretting it. I am just sorry that I couldn't be the one to tell him and her! UGH I HATE THEM!!!!
wow, sorry to hear things haven't gotten much better since i last saw you, but i hope things work out for you soon though.
Take it from me, your having a really really hard time. And Trust me, I just went through a bunch of crap and ended up with a nursing home , basically killing my father in law within 6 weeks of him entering he had a bedsore the size of a grapefruit, got infected and he suffered 40 days before passing away. On top of this my inlaws had a crappy family who had robbed both my mother and father in law blind, and left them for dead , from 3,000 miles away and having a difficult time financially myself , I had to take care of that crummy situation and am now here, the always hated whore of a daughter in law , home with my mother in law and knee deep in Depends, really, my truck bed stays full of them and I really have to work hared to keeep my house from smelling like a nursing home . Plus Depends are not cheap and since my inlaws were robbed and decided as business owners not to pay ss tax, guess who gets to pick up the tab , me, yay, the whore , as I have been called by them for over 20 years. Yey , but I'm taking care of her , hell with altzheimers she dosn't even remember she used to call me a whore , but whatever , gotta let things go sometimes. Anyway , long story short, I had to leave my career as a tax preparer, almost lost my house, and my kids and my husband all going nuts , the house a mess , my father in law now passed away , I got all the paperwork for everything too ....boy did I think I was gonna lose it then , for this past year home learning to deal with altzheimers, course the family never calls, nothing left to steal see. Moral of the story , take a deep breath, take one thing at a time, seek out caring friends, be sure to take care of yourself. And Write, even if its not on Hubbs , even if its just for yourself. Make a list of all the things you feel you need to acomplish, like finding a new house - then go down the list and do each thing - one thing at a time you'll be o.k I promise. I just got my tax license reinstated and finally get to go back to work - but i tell ya what it takes a hell of a lot longer to get there than it does to fall - Take care, be strong, do something nice for yourself that makes you smile Take care and good luck
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