Just Need to Vent

1. 79

   Sunnyglitterposted 14 years ago

   I'm 5 months pregnant, and my boyfriend recently planned a cruise out of the country behind my back.  He is going with his parents, friends, and pretty much everybody except me.  We are in a serious relationship, so this was completely shocking...it's not like he's some random guy I've been dating for a few weeks.
   
   The reason I'm so upset is the date of the cruise:  it happens to fall a month after I have the baby.  This is his first child, so I can't imagine why him or his parents think this is okay.  His parents told him I am overreacting, and he says I'm selfish for not wanting him to go.
   
   I think he's selfish for leaving me home alone with a newborn and another child while he relaxes on a cruise ship.  Also, the cruise has no phones, and limited email access.  Most of my friends live far away, and I don't really have any family.  This means I'll be left alone, with 2 children and no support system.
   
   His cruise is refundable, and he only has to pay $25 or $50 to cancel it.  I told him I would be willing to pay the fee myself.  He said no.  I asked him to reschedule the cruise for when the baby is 6 months old or so.  He doesn't want to.
   
   What would you do?  I feel like I can't forgive him for this.  I have been upset for 2 months, and it's not getting any easier.  We have a great relationship and never argue, but I am upset to the point where I am considering leaving him over this.  If I'm this upset now, imagine how angry I'll be when I'm alone for 10 days, caring for 2 children.  He'll come back relaxed and tanned, and I will completely hate him. 
   
   I feel like he is abandoning me at a time when I really need him, and betrayed that he did it behind my back.  He just went on a 7 day baseball trip with his guy friends, and I didn't say a word about it.  I even rescheduled my ultrasound appointment (the doctor wanted to do it that week) just to make him happy.  I feel like I constantly try to make him happy while he just does whatever he wants.
   
   If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

   replyreport
   1. 0

      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      
      oh girl...i have been where you are. trust me, it will not get better. in fact, it will get worse. think about it  - he will be on a cruise away from his newborn baby and his wife and that is ok? my husband traveled a lot when we were new parents (Europe, Russia, China, London, Paris, even Latvia) but that was business. even he would have never taken a pleasure trip without me, especially with a newborn baby in the house.
      
      so, i had to deal with everything on my own, including a 9-month-old baby with a 104 fever and a 2 am trip to the ER. it was scary. i mean, you do what you have to do, but it is HARD.
      
      his parents have absolutely NO RIGHT to say anything. if i were the parents i would say absolutely, son, cancel your trip and we can all arrange another fun vacation for everyone. that is just WRONG. i would even offer to help the new parents and new mommy if they needed it, although new mommies want to be alone with their baby and the baby's daddy. don't take offense, but your husband is behaving like a selfish spoiled brat who doesn't put his family (you and your unborn baby, and your other child) first. and it will not change unless you tell him HONESTLY exactly how you feel and inform him of the consequences, meaning he could lose you and his new little family. my heart goes out to you. ((good luck))

      replyreport
   2. 52

      PhoenixPoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think you'd be foolish to take the advice of anyone from the internet BUT it is just fine to vent!

      replyreport
   3. 70

      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I say you have a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. Nothing more to say.

      replyreport
   4. 73

      the pink umbrellaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      nope, you know what? you need to plan a 10 day retreat for yourself starting 2 days after he gets back. And if anyone has a problem with it, ask them whats the big deal?
      
      Yea, your a mom, and i know that wont happen, mines 19 months, and i hate it when hes over night at grandmas, but i would seriously ask him how he would feel if you took a two week trip a month after the baby was born. Hed be nutz. His family would look down on you as a bad mom. Or you know what? find out how much the cruiz is, and use that amount to get yourself something you love.
      
      I cant believe hes leaving you alone after just having a baby, i mean, theres a chance you could go through post pardom, is he nuts? Not to mention having no sleep from feeding and changing all night, and then running after your little one, while juggleing a baby.
      
      I think  its totally selfish. No one, and i mean no one but his crazy family would look at this situation and think you were over reacting. If he does go, youll resent him for it. Is that what he wants? Is it that important to him? What about your feelings? And to go behind your back like that is wrong. He knew you wouldnt love the idea, so he snuck around. How are you supposed to trust him after that? Next thing you know hell be taking off for japan next christmas, and youll find out december 15th.
      
      This situation sucks for you. If you just deal with it, and say nothing more, it will happen again, and if you try to continue to address it, you look like the bad guy to them.
      
      I dont know what to tell you, but if i were you, i would write him a letter. That way, he will be able to read it without cutting you off. He will get all of your feelings without interrupting you, and youll be able to carefully calculate what you say to him.
      
      Good luck babe. Think about what you want....you dont want this kind of support system in the future, so if you cant change this, than id be thinking about leaving too. <3

      replyreport
   5. 68

      Flightkeeperposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Sunny, a vent is always good and you're going through a lot of stress...here's my 2 cents:
      
      1. You're going through a lot of stuff and you need to focus on what's important yourself, the new baby, and your young tot.  I don't know if you're in a right frame of mind to decide to leave someone, I think for now just vent...a lot if you need to on Hubpages.
      
      2. It doesn't sound like you have much of a support system.  Perhaps it's a good idea to create one.  If you are part of a Lamaze group or any other prep group, reach out and make friends.  Go through Craiglist and see if there's a mom's group in your area. 
      
      3. I don't know anything about your relationship with your guy, but it doesn't sound as if he is engaged with the birthing process.  It might be a good idea to see if there's a way that you can engage him.  From what I've seen with my friends' pregnancies, the guys always seem to feel like a third wheel because their job is actually done.  They also feel additional pressure because now they had an additional person that they need to provide for and they get panicky although they don't say anything about it.
      
      4. I think you should be glad that you're not going on a cruise, because you're still healing from a pregnancy after a month and if it were me I'd go nuts from trying to take care of my body, taking care of two little wee ones and preparing for a cruise.  That's why it's so important that you have a support system, because you're going to need a lot of help in the next six months.
      
      5. Communication is key with your man.  Approach him, in a non-confrontative manner, regarding his reasons for booking the cruise.  From what you've written, it sounds like he's throwing the trip as a last hurrah! It's weird.  There's something going on there and you guys need to talk about it.
      
      6. IF after all your conversations with him, it's obvious to you that he's not going to be there for you, then you need to make decision and plan it well.  Don't do anything all of a sudden.  Start putting money away and line up your ducks so that if you do need to make an exit, you won't feel so frantic.
      
      Again, this is just my 2 cents and not anything to really pay attention to...I just like to participate

      replyreport
   6. 0

      Contriceposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      He is abandoning you and doing it on purpose.  He is being completely selfish.  Where is your time to relax?  Your boyfriend is being a complete jerk.  My guess is that this is not the first time or will not be the last for his selfishness.  Remember this always...WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT TYPE OF PERSON THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.   YOU CAN NOT MAKE SOMEONE INTO WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE.  He knows how you feel about this and is totally ignoring your feelings.  And for his parents...ask his mom how she would have felt if she just had a baby and her husband or child's father totally ditched her.  She probably didn't have to deal with that.  People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  If you want him to grow up then don't enable his childishness.  Don't change your appointment because he needs a vacation.  Don't sit and wait for him to get back from his cruise while you raise the kids.  Don't offer to pay for him to cancel a tip that he should not have planned in the first place.  Don't accept anything less than a kind hearted spouse who loves and supports you, considers your needs and the needs of his family.  You can't change the fact that you will have kids with him, but remember this also...YOU CAN BE SAD AND MAD BY YOURSELF.  YOU DON'T NEED SOMEONE ELSE'S BULLS**T BRINGING YOU DOWN.  Of course you'll have some disagreements in relationships (that's common) but THERE IS A DIFFERENE BETWEEN DISAGREEMENTS AND BULLS**T.  THIS IS FLAT OUT BULLS**T!!!  I say more power to you.  If you tried talking and compromising but he is still be totally unreasonable, then throw your deuces up...peace out homie.
      
      WE AS WOMEN NATURALLY TEND TO WANT TO NURTURE AND MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY...SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO GET A BACKBONE AND SAY "CUT THE CRAP"
      
      DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FROM SOMEONE THAT THEY WOULD NOT TAKE FROM YOU.

      replyreport
   7. 75

      schoolgirlforrealposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      He sounds like a manipulative, con-artist.
      I dated someone similar who put themselves first alot.
      I hope things get better for you

      replyreport
   8. 60

      lady_love158posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I'd go move closer to my family and break it off with him. This is no way to start a life together. Better to end it now before you're lives are much more complicated.

      replyreport
   9. 79

      Sunnyglitterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Guys, thanks for all the replies.  I won't have internet at home until August 21st, so it will take me some time to reply.  I did read everything though, and I appreciate everybody's input.
      
      Missy

      replyreport
2. 92

   Dolores Monetposted 14 years ago

   Sunny - this is so sad. Don't you have any parents or siblings who can take you in while you get on your feet? This guy obviously does not care about you or his baby and must be a real creep. If you don't have family at all, try social services. Don't worry about being alone with the kids. You already are. His parents are two jerks and you can see why he is the way he is. Hope you find a way out of this, hon.

   replyreport
3. 84

   Pcunixposted 14 years ago

   I am always hesitant to say that someone should cut their losses, but this sounds like a very immature person.  You need to think about all this very seriously.

   replyreport
4. 60

   Ohmaposted 14 years ago

   Why were you not invited to go along on the cruise?

   replyreport
   1. 73

      the pink umbrellaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      yea, i didnt even think about that one.

      replyreport
5. 74

   liljen23posted 14 years ago

   Hi Sunny, this makes me want to cry because I know how I will feel and taking care of 2 kids on your own when you know you have a support system and he doesn't want to be around is selfish on his part. He could have rescheduled because this is a time when he needs to be there and to be there with his child. You may have to tell him that if he goes that it can ruin the relationship and mess up things for the future if he doesn't do it. If he does that and you are still with him, you will always remember that and it would make you even more furious.. So, tell him he need to get his priorities straight because you and the kids are his priority. I am going through something similar because today my boyfriend told me he wants to leave me and we have been together 5 years and he said the reason why is because he wants "freedom".. It is hurting me but I know after awhile I will be fine. I am hurting now because we have been through a lot together and it is like he is throwing all of it away. I have did so much for him and he has too and it is like he doesn't understand. I don't know what it is wrong with men today..I hope you get through your situation and I'm sorry you have to go through this while pregnant.
   
   Jennifer

   replyreport
6. 69

   Beth100posted 14 years ago

   I'm very sorry to hear and glad to be here to hear your vent. 
   
   Honestly, it won't get better.  If he is already putting you and baby on the backburner, it will only get worse.  The fact that his parents support him only shows that they are the selfish ones.
   
   Do not be by yourself for 10 days with a newborn and an older child, whether this child is 1, 3, 5 or 20.  You will need the support and help from those around you.  Do you have any family that would be willing to fly in to help you or fly you to their home for a short period of time while you recuperate?  I feel for you as it is not easy to be displaced and far from family and friends.  However, there is always someone out there.  For me, it was my elderly neighbors who helped me. 
   
   Delores is right, you already are alone with your children.  Plan like that and good luck.

   replyreport
7. 83

   camloposted 14 years ago

   I'm really sorry to hear about this. Any normal person would feel as you do.
   
   'His parents told him I am overreacting, and he says I'm selfish for not wanting him to go.' You really must feel ganged up to. It's frustrating and unfair.
   
   You say you have no real family, and your friends are far away, but that's no reason to stick around with this selfish lot.
   
   Like Ohma, it would interest me to know why you weren't invited to go with them - maybe it would provoke a few more thoughts.

   replyreport
8. 86

   rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

   ohhh, those parents sound as selfish as he does!
   maybe you just need to really focus on you and the pregnancy and let the 'adult children' do their thing. do what you need to do to take care of you and your unborn baby!
   
   you mention that your relationship is great, but it doesn't sound great as you've shared it here. they all should be supporting you and their future child/grandchild.
   
   there's always a solution, try to be calm and answers will come to you. good luck.

   replyreport
9. 65

   Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

   I tend to think that he really didn't care about your feelings.  Some people are selfish and I would side with you and say that he is being selfish.
   
   I don't know what the solution is and I know it is real tough.  You have a baby on the way and another child.  I mean I just think what the heck this jerk does not even care that you will need someone. 
   
   I am sorry to hear this and I would have to say that you are not being selfish.

   replyreport
10. 74

    Sweetsusiegposted 14 years ago

    How sad for you!  I have to agree with the previous posters on this.  He is being extremely selfish as are the parents that raised him.  I too would like to know why you were not included on this adventure.  Why didn't they plan it before your due date, or why couldn't they wait until the baby was a little older so you all could go?
    
    I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd find a way to go where I would feel more comfortable. 
    
    How much have you already given up for this relationship?  Is it more one sided?  Has he given up anything?  Relationships are supposed to be a compromise, this doesn't sound like one to me.  It sounds more like 'do what I want you to when I want you to do it.'
    
    Good luck with whatever you decide!

    replyreport
11. 82

    Tom Cornettposted 14 years ago

    If his priority isn't you and the children now...it will never be.  Be sure to get legal advice...protect your child and yourself.  You deserve the best of love all the time....not just whenever he feels like it.

    replyreport
12. 72

    LeanManposted 14 years ago

    Get yourself on a boat heading in the opposite direction now...

    replyreport
13. 82

    Dim Flaxenwickposted 14 years ago

    I really feel for you. This is a ridiculous situation.! What on earth are his parents like?
    You may have a big decision to make about your relationship.
      Please try to think of someone, you can talk to even if it´s long distance over the phone.  You and your children need support. I wish you all the best, dear. a,d hope things work out for you.

    replyreport
    1. 72

       sofsposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I would ask you to really take stock of things, think calmly , ask yourself if you need to be treated like this. Do some soul searching before you decide what to do. The man's parents have little or no concern and I wouldn't expect  much from your man or wait for him to change in along time.
       You need to look out for yourself and your baby. Find people possibly your own parents, sibs even if they had been bad to you they would always help you when you are in trouble. Make sure you have enough help.
       Be positive that is important for the baby and you!!
       Find something meaningful and profitable to do to support yourself.
       Dont get bitter.
       Life is hard sometimes!

       replyreport
       1. 58

          bloominbecposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Ask your doctor if it is safe to take the baby on the cruise. Contact the cruise line and see what type of facilities they have available for child care and medical care. Then, if you can book yourself and your kids on the cruise with their daddy and their grandparents. Make the grandparents do some babysitting on the cruise. It will help them bond with their grandchild and also establish you as a real force to be reckoned with in their son's life. They will be confronted with the mother of their son's children and it may produce some good results in the end. If you can't afford to do this, tell your boyfriend he needs to contribute. If he balks at you for wanting to go after you have told him about your research and that you have the go ahead from your pediatrician and know the cruise line's attitude towards children on board, then tell him in no uncertain terms that this type neglect of your needs and your children's needs is unacceptable. Research how much child support he will be paying when you leave him and let him know that is what he will need to be prepared to pay when you leave him which you will if he insists on pulling such a selfish stunt. Let his parents complain, it sounds like he needs to stand up to them in defense of you anyway. If he doesn't, then he is more concerned with their goodwill than yours. I would also make it clear that since he is willing to father children with you he may need to consider putting a ring on your finger and booking a cruise for your honeymoon before instead of booking a cruise to spend with his parents. How old is he anyway? When a boy becomes a man he puts his wife ahead of his parents and when he becomes a father he should put his children above his parents as well. Sounds like he really needs to grow up. Let me know how it turns out, bloominbec

          replyreport
14. 69

    Beth100posted 14 years ago

    I only have one thing left to say:  you have a choice.  You need to decide what your choices are.  Make a decision and stick to it.

    replyreport
15. 59

    Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years ago

    My husband and I decided that it would be good if the kids and I moved to his home state while he went away for military obligations. Upon his arrival back in the states, he was due to get out and then come home to us. It all sounded good.
    What actually happened was that I moved a 1 yr old and a 5 mo old half way across the country, away from all of my friends and family to a place I didn't know to be 'helped' by his family. Their version of help was to keep me absolutely isolated by not fixing my car so that they could control where I went and who I met. When he got back stateside three months later, his contract time was extended and he spent it fooling around with the same chic he had spent the previous new year's with.  His parents saw nothing wrong in how they treated me and they had no problems defending their son no matter what he did. So, there I was, with two little babies and no support system while my dear husband screwed around and got to do whatever he wanted.  I stuck it out another five years and I really wish I didn't because it only got worse.  Being a single parent sucks, but being a single parent in a relationship with their father is worse.  It's more important that your children grow up in a healthy, loving environment, even if that means their love is only coming from you. He is now my ex-husband.

    replyreport
    1. 52

       PhoenixPoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       OK.  I know this is off topic but since you brought it up I have to ask why didn't YOU get your car fixed?

       replyreport
       1. 59

          Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Because at the time, I only had a very, very basic knowledge and I was afraid to make the matter worse. My former father in law was a retired diesel mechanic and when he did fix it (which took 30 min) I was not allowed to watch and learn. I was a girl, that was not my job.  That's the same reason he wouldn't tell me how to fix the problem with the pilot light on the hot water tank. 
          It didn't take me long to learn how to fix things on my own, including the cars.  I started taking walks to the library, reading up on the subject, but the real breakthrough happened when I began working at a gas station next to a custom race shop. It reminded me of hanging around the track with my uncle when I was little and I really liked being there and so  I'd spend time over there, learning the basics, and not so basics from a group of really great guys. Turns out I have a knack for that & I've taken off and ran with it! LOL I will never be in that position again,

          replyreport
          1. 52

             PhoenixPoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             NO!  I meant why didn't YOU take it to get it fixed or hire someone to come and fix it for you.

             replyreport
             1. 59

                Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                Because I couldn't.  It wouldn't drive at all and I when I did attempt to contract a mechanically adept family memeber, his parents found out and told them not to bother as they were going to take care of it.  In regards to hiring someone who wasn't family, because they kept me so isolated, I didn't know anybody.  My hands were tied.

                replyreport
16. 71

    Kangaroo_Jaseposted 14 years ago

    After reading this initial OP. I got angry, really angry, and have had to re-write my own post here, about 15 times since I am writing it after cooling down (somewhat).
    
    I have wanted to be nothing but a father to a child or children all my life. You know, the usual dream, 1 or 2 kids, the picket fence outside the house, the yearly vacation, nice job, great partner, etc etc.
    
    Been nothing like the above. I have had one child with someone, that child died and that someone and I are no longer together.
    
    Now, 41, single, happy, but want, don't need, but want, so much more with some girl lucky enough to put up with my sh*t
    
    I read the OP again and think, this guy and family I cannot believe  or fathom the *gift* you have given them. Because that's what children are, a gift of life. To me, my anger is stemming from what seems to be a total disregard for you, your new one to come, and your 2nd child. To me, their view seems like you are nothing but a commodity and of no or little value.
    
    For the situation described, I cannot get my head around it, and most likely never will.

    replyreport
    1. 59

       Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You are a dying breed, Jase.  Now that divorce is so easy, even the most important life events are veritably advertised as availble to 'try on' and 'experiment' with.  I am incredibly saddened to hear about your loss. That has been my biggest fear, one that has come close to being realized more than once.
       The other issue stems from families that are unable to face reality with both eyes open.  Some parents simply do not wish to believe that their child can do any wrong.  If there is a problem, it must be her fault.
       It is a very frustrating situation to be in, to be sure, but it's guys like you, who do still value life and love and the sanctity of marriage, that make life sweeter.  I had four kids with my ex and that's a lot to ask somebody to take on but my husband did so happily.  His whole family said that he has always wanted a large family but it had to be done right.  He has a child of his own and I'm glad for that but truthfully he would love to have another! That would be six kids!!!! LOL As much as that seems like a lot, with him as the father, it would be heaven.
       Keep your chin up, somewhere there is a woman who is looking for a man like you. I know it-I was one of them.  Just please, keep being you!!! Don't change for anybody or because of anybody!!!

       replyreport
       1. 71

          Kangaroo_Jaseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Aye, won't happen anytime soon CC, been to happy being myself for the last 40 years to change now, lol.
          
          That is another item that irks me, why are we a dying breed? Why are kids not being taught right from wrong, respect for others and themselves, and being courteous, good and kind to family, others and oneself. Then they grew up being gentlemen at least. We are not perfect, but heck, it's not always about us either.
          
          Please don't feel saddened at my loss, was my worst fear, and I am still around to talk about it (and still with my head screwed on the right way  too). Happiness and ecstasy are as much a part of living and life as grief and loss. We live, we find joy, we fall down, we still live. Wouldnt change it for anything.
          
          So quick question CC, you having the 6th child so we can start calling you Mrs Brady?????

          replyreport
          1. 59

             Chaotic Chicaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Don't go there!Everyone asks that and  I just had a dream last night that I was pregnant! This after his mother has been begging me to reverse my tubal for him so he can have another biological child.  He'd be thrilled to have another and I believe he'd be a great father but good heaven's six is a lot!!! LOL Besides, I am fixed after all (though so was his mother when she had his only sister). Should that happen, you can guarantee there'd be more than one hub coming on that topic!! LOL

             replyreport
17. 76

    Shadesbreathposted 14 years ago

    Without having the whole story, both sides and all that, I can only say, from the vantage point of your post, I can certainly see how frustrated you feel.
    
    Guys can be very selfish, and they can, when feeling trapped (you did say "boyfriend" and not "husband") exhibit erratic behaviors.  I'm not sure I would necessarily advise throwing out the baby with the bathwater (if you'll forgive the pun) just because he is acting this way.  Your post suggests that he must have some redeeming qualities or the relationship wouldn't have gone as implied.
    
    This might simply be him trying to prove to himself that his life is not over now.  If he is young, and you two aren't married, a baby can be a shock to a young male's system.  Terrifying. Imposing.  He might need to work through things too.  I realize it's hard to sympathize with the male perspective on anything baby related since guys don't carry the child, but men do have emotions whether anyone is interested or not.
    
    Then again, he may be a cretin.
    
    Without the whole story from both sides, nobody can give you advice that isn't just coddling you.  I hope you find a way to deal with your situation though.

    replyreport
18. 62

    Kidgasposted 14 years ago

    While I agree that advice over the internet is something to be weighed cautiously, I understand your desire to vent.
    
    It is, in my opinion, shameful that someone would consider doing this to someone they claim to love.  Personally, I don't know anyone who would condone such selfish behavior.
    
    As the father of 6, I often sacrifice but do balance.  I attend as many soccer games and gymnastic meets as possible and only play golf on a limited basis.  But I do play once or twice a month and about half the time with my boys.
    
    I will tell you that it is unlikely to get much better over time.  Don't delude yourself into thinking that you will "change him".  That never works, although my wife did get me to stop wearing cowboy boots.  But then she is more important than the boots.
    
    The decisions that have been made already should give you an idea of what is more important to your boyfriend.  You need to decide what is more important to you.

    replyreport
19. 75

    Mighty Momposted 14 years ago

    You do not say whose child the older one is -- yours and his? Yours? His? But that's a minor concern in the grand scheme of egregiousness.
    There are some milestone events in life that become indelibly etched in our memories. Do you want your earliest memories of this child to be tainted with anger and bitterness at his/her father? Because that is what will happen.
    Your man is sending you a STRONG signal that he values his play time and his parents over you.
    Please believe me when I tell you it's important to watch your mate (or potential mate) interact with his parents, and they with him. If the parents are in the picture (as opposed to 3,000 miles away), they ARE part of your relationship. Sounds like in this case they are competing for their son's attention and dangling the perfect bait -- an opportunity to be carefree when he should be home helping you.
    
    I must also comment on the fact that you never argue. That doesn't sound healthy to me. Is it because he always gets his way and you let him? Stuffing your feelings is very dangerous. We don't want you to explode!!!
    
    You definitely have some major decisions to make. If you are truly invested in this relationship, perhaps you can persuade him to get couples counseling (?) or at least attend parenting classes together.
    Good luck, and keep us posted. MM

    replyreport
20. 52

    PhoenixPoetposted 14 years ago

    OK.  Why not invite yourself along on this cruise?  If everyone has so much money why not take the whole family kids and all?
    
    (Gee, now that I think of it what with being unemployed along with a couple other million people I have to say I wish your problem was MY only problem . . . )
    Don't know how much longer part-time writing is gonna keep a roof over my head but maybe you should be happy that you don't have bigger problems.
    You don't have money problems, debt or child support to pay on three kids so consider that your "silver lining" to your little cloud.

    replyreport
    1. 73

       the pink umbrellaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       wow. Were alking about her life, not yours. Sorry your so bitter that your life sux. Mine sux too, but this is her vent, dont yell at her because shes upset.
       
       She does have a big problem. Its not the trip, its his sneaking around behind her back, and then refusal to care about her feelings on him leaving that shes upset about, and yea, if thats the kind of thing hes going to continue to do, then its a problem. Not every dissapointment in the world involves money. Your selfish for making her feel bad about being upset over her problem. Post your own crap. Get a job, i know for a fact that walmart is hioring nationwide. get off your butt and stop cpmplaining about money.

       replyreport
21. 49

    DandeZposted 14 years ago

    Your boyfriend is selfish and a bit of a jerk sorry to say. I considered whether my husband would do such a thing and I have to say no, but people are different.  Men are selfish in general but this takes it up a notch a bit. If you weren't pregnant I might have used stronger language because it is upsetting to read what you are dealing with (even though i don't know you).  Hang in there, you'll be just fine.  When your baby is born he will be your World. All the best!

    replyreport
22. 0

    WizardOfOzposted 14 years ago

    Take this as you will, it is an online forum and I am a stranger so I won't reserve my opinion to save your feelings.  I think that makes sense.
    
    Guys like this are the ones who turn women sour.  I got married at 25 to a woman 3 yrs my senior and although it might have been a poor choice of spouse for a number of reasons, one of the reasons I did get married and in spite of knowing it probably wouldn't work out was the facts like this situation you spell out here.  The way I figure it, by the time we are mature enough to settle down, we have this experience of being Let down.  I treated my wife really well, I put up with a lot, I took a lot of abuse because I could see a good heart that had been taken advantage of.  Unfortunately, what is layered upon that heart, that does matter.  My ex blamed a lot of people for how she felt (used) and when I came along she was in awe, she couldn't believe how I could treat her so well.  Not to sing my own praise, I did nothing special, just treated her right.  Trust has got to me a serious priority and your man, the father of your child, he should stand by you.  Doesn't matter what his parents think, or what he thinks.  He should be wise enough and man enough to look after you at this time.  Still, you do have a child to think of but if I were you, I wouldn't be asking 'should I leave?' but 'when should I leave?'  Take his money and look after yourself and your child.  Go find your friends or your family.
    
    Good luck.

    replyreport
    1. 0

       WizardOfOzposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       One more thing, I forgot to mention, we split up because of that lack of trust.  She forgot why she fell in love with me and just figured me for
       'another guy,' the next in line to use and abuse her.
       
       Don't get used.  Trust your instincts.

       replyreport
23. 67

    C.A. Johnsonposted 14 years ago

    This is probably one of those times where everyone will completely disagree with me.
    
    When my second child was born I was invaded by in-laws, a cranky husband, and an excess of family. Within twelve hours of being home I sent everyone away. My in-laws were there from out of state, I sent them and my husband away on a two week trip so that I could be left alone and so that my newborn could become acclimated to home and my oldest could become acclimated to the new baby. Throw in that I was fresh from a cesarean and most people thought I was insane.
    
    I realize that having a new baby is trying and tiring but a positive can come from his trip if you let it. One you will find out that you are stronger than you think and that you can handle it on your own.
    
    Is he an jerk for being more interested in a cruise than his family? Yes, without a doubt. Where your relationship goes with him from that point is entirely up to you. Whatever happens, tell extended family to but out unless invited to comment because obviously their perception is slightly flawed.
    
    Otherwise, congratulations on your baby and hopefully you will be able to find some peace when all is said and done.

    replyreport
24. 90

    mistyhorizon2003posted 14 years ago

    He is like this because his family are like this, where do you think he learned it from? Get rid now, no-one, (or child) needs such a selfish role model in their lives, and his parents are no better from what you say. Other slight possibility is this is what he is TELLING you his parents have said, when actually he knows you will never check this out, and actually they may be completely in the dark about any baby, or at least the due date, and could be horrified if he were honest with them! Have you spoken with them directly, or only listened to what he has told you??

    replyreport
25. 73

    spryteposted 14 years ago

    Hmm...I'm afraid I won't win any popularity points with my two cents, but here it goes...
    
    I once had a boyfriend with a mother that thought it was perfectly fine to extend trips to her son without extending an invitation to me.  Since we were living together at the time, I considered it a serious relationship...but we weren't at the engaged, married or about to become parents stage.
    
    Although I'm appalled at your boyfriend's lack of commitment to you and your newborn, he is not obligated nor are his parents to include you in any family trips.  With that aside, the fact that he stubbornly insists on going knowing how you feel and his parents reaction to your being upset speaks volumes about the REAL dynamics of your relationship.
    
    You might never argue...but something is not right here and it sounds to me that even though you love him, there's a part of you that resents whatever freedoms he still enjoys, such as the trip with the guys. 
    
    My advice is to be proactive.  If you really want to make this work, then somebody has to be the one to confront both the parents and their son...and not necessarily in a hostile manner.  There are probably things he has told them, perhaps just venting, and they've taken it upon themselves to be parentally protective. 
    
    If you can keep a cool head and an open mind, perhaps a get together between you, your boyfriend and his parents are in order.  At the very least, you'll come away with a clear understanding of where you stand. 
    
    Good luck!

    replyreport
    1. 76

       Shadesbreathposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Nice to see I'm not the only one who reckons there's two sides to a story (or eight, or fourteen...).  It's too easy to assume the soap opera approach and vilify some strawman character when in reality, humans are complex and relationships between multiple humans are more so, exponentially.
       
       Reminds me of the trope wherein someone observes a man and a woman fighting, and the man shoves the woman or slaps her, and the observer rushes in to save her and gets blasted by both of them.

       replyreport
       1. 73

          spryteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          LOL!  Isn't THAT the truth.  I had neighbors who became regular Rock'em, Sock'em Robots when they'd had a few too many.  Tina and Tom...she was this itty bitty thing and he was a massive towering truck driver. 
          
          One day I heard her screaming..."Don't you dare hit me with that bat!  Get away from me!" and I was down the stairs and at their door in seconds. 
          
          "Help me, Laurie!  Tom is trying to kill me!" Tina cried giving me a heavy dose of her big blue eyes.  Instantly I was in the door and between them...getting right into Tom's face (I wasn't as big...but I was certainly bigger than his wife). 
          
          Very calmly, Tom looked down at me and said, "I wouldn't stand between us, Laurie...it's not a good place to be at the moment."
          
          "Oh yeah?" I said all tough-like, "afraid to pick on somebody closer to your own size?"
          
          "Um..no," he said, "but I'm covered in lamp oil from when Tina threw the lamp at me and she's holding a Bic."
          
          I learned my lesson right there...

          replyreport
26. 88

    I am DB Cooperposted 14 years ago

    This sounds like a very sad situation. He is being immature and his parents are enabling bad behavior, but you've got to be very careful if you want your relationship to work. Communicate with him about how you feel about this and try as hard as you can not to be hostile. If you push too hard he'll either leave or push back with even worse behavior, so you've got to be gentle. If he fails to understand how his actions leave you feeling abandoned after you've had this talk, it might be time to do some serious thinking about your relationship with him.

    replyreport
27. 59

    Disturbiaposted 14 years ago

    Sunny, venting is a good, good thing.  I do it all the time myself.  Not only do I vent, I rant and rave too.  I find it clears my head and crystalizes my vision.
    
    Have you considered the possibility that your guy might be scared to death of the additional emotional and financial burdens this new baby brings into your lives and that he's probably not thinking much beyond his own immediate needs at this point?  This cruise is just his way of running away from those responsibilities and leaving you holding the proverbial bag so to speak?
    
    It's not fair to you of course, but then if it was, you wouldn't be here venting.

    replyreport