I love my son, sometimes I don't like who he seems to have become. Am I the only one? He's loud, bossy and unfriendly, someone I would never consider being friends with.
I'm hoping this is only a stage, that he will outgrow it. Anyone?
lorlie6, I don't know how old your son is, but sometimes they go through a phase like you explained. My children (3) are grown, and we all have a wonderful relationship. I have faith your son will outgrow this stage!
Someone once said, most adults don't like their children, they remind them too much of themselves
Don't have kids yet. But my mom and I used to talk a lot. She tell me stories about her when she's at my age. As I compare our stories, it was getting clear to me why I reacted on some situations that way. I blame her with my attitude. I am not aware that I was becoming more and more like her while I was growing..my aunties used to say that too..
There's a balance that parents have to achieve with their kids. Your son's bossiness, loudness, may be an indication of anger boiling up inside him. If that's so, then how do you separate your expectations of his behavior from the reality of what is going on with him as he presents that to you? Step aside and ask yourself, how do you help him get from point A to point B?
I don't have a son, but I have a grown daughter. We go fisticuffs from time to time (emotionally, not physically). Then I have to snuff my own expectations about what I think she should be doing, and think about the world from her perspective. And then listen to her, without judgment.
This is not easy to do.
Our kids need our undivided ears and our ability to walk in their shoes (as we remember walking in similar shoes from when we were children). If we are honest about our willingness to do that with them, then doors can be opened for us and them.
I love AND like my 3 girls. They're a lot of fun to hang out with! Hang in there, Laurel.
Hang in there Lorlie. I had concerns over one of mine but he's turned out to be a fantastic, strong, loving and caring man whom I am so proud of. But for awhile I had my doubts!
Lorlie- you poor dear! hanging with the son all the time are ya? Well, don't you ever shop? canasta? bridge? bake? go to women's group therapy? volunteer work? or anything? besides stare at the computer and wonder where all your cyber friends went? you are just so much like me! Only I adore my son, he can do any dam thing he wants now that he's grown, and he is just who I knew he would be - even his snarls are quite gentlemanly. I love my other kids too - all of them, last count, counting the ones who ran away, I believe we were up to 60 or so (mostly adopted)
by the way, what else have you been doing? haven't seen you for awhile, were you as blocked as I was there? ciggy? couldn't stop those so you stopped writing?
I'll go see right now if I missed anything. And I say all this with LOVE, of course!
Beautifully written, Sally's Trove!
Lorlie6, yes there are some times I don't like some of the things I see in my adult children - but on the whole I do. And I think it's just as ST said: it's important for us to remember who we have been and to separate expectations from reality.
Sometimes I'm not so likeable myself.
You said it all, Aficionada. Sometimes I'm not so likeable either. Nor will our kids be. The trick is for them to learn that we all do the best we can. When the spirit in the parents' hearts is to empathize with their kids and put personal neediness aside, there's a better outcome for the child.
I don't know about others but my parents would just be happy with me as I am becoming more nice and responsible to them as I am growing up. If my children [when i will have some] become like me I certainly would like them.
I understand what you are saying as I have seen my friends changed with age. I hope your son will just be as nice as he was in childhood to you soon.
My oldest is almost 21, and I've got 19 and 17 year old. I'm not sure if you count that as "grown" or not. But I do like them, and I LOVE spending time with them. They make me laugh (bunch of sarcastic little bastards... don't know where they got that from. Probably their mother.)
They frustrate me in the decisions they make still; it's hard to watch someone you love doing dumb crap they are going to regret later, especially when you are trying to show them how and why it's a bad plan, but, that's how it goes.
I hope I will still enjoy them as much in their later twenties and thirties etc. I try not to counsel them too much on those dumb decisions they are making, because I know they know and have heard it before. That's my parenting task: just shut up and let them screw themselves over. Painful to watch, but probably more conducive to having them around to enjoy long term. They'll figure it out eventually anyway. Just like we all do.
It's true that a parent should shut up and let the kids screw themselves. But a parent can come to this knowledge only by being the kind of parent who has set a good example, who listens to his kids, and who is present in the here and now for them.
Maybe the kids have heard it all before, but it means nothing to them until they do it themselves, just like you and I did, and you and I know.
There's hands off and hands on. When kids are babies and toddlers, it's all hands on. When they get to adolescence and into adulthood, then we need to take stock of ourselves as parents to see what we can do for their good and what we might do to f**k things up.
I think I do. But then I "talk" to him like once a month using skype, and that's pretty much it...
Your son sounds unhappy and it seems like he can only safely vent with you because you're his devoted Mom and you love him. I'm sure he'll figure it out.
All of your posts make a lot of sense to me, and I thank you for your ideas. I've been talking to my hubby about this, and he thinks we spoiled him far too much when he was a child. I'm not sure about that, but he did have pretty much everything he desired. Now that he's on his own, things aren't so easy.
But I don't think that's what's going on. I agree with your perceptions that he is angry, and I'm the one he can vent around. He knows that his dad and I will always be there for him. I'm always amazed at my hubby when he backs down, lets the son-who's 22-have his way, and he has some very intense opinions. It happens constantly-it's as if my son holds us hostage with his anger and superiority.
I am praying that he grows out of this, it seems he's going through his adolescence now. Some human behaviorists believe the adolescent stage lasts into the mid-twenties.
We shall see!
My daughter has changed a lot in the last year. She just turned 18. I see her maturing very nicely in most areas and I love being around her. However, she still has those teenage mood swings sometimes and it's hard to let her dig through it herself, but I've forced myself to back off and just be there when she's ready to talk. It's tough to watch her go about things the hard way sometimes, but that's how she learns. Better to do it now, while I'm still nearby to lean on if she needs it, then later when I might not be so handy.
I read a statistic somewhere about a year ago. Apparently, about 90% of children don't like their parents...
I feel sad for you, a friendship with your grown children is so valuable but not a given. I nearly lost the friendship of my child but was drawn back from disaster by my husband who spelled it out, so I was silent thank heaven.
It is never too late though, I suggest trying to find bits of him or his behaviour that you can like and approve of and make as much of them as you can.
We all want approval no matter what is said, don't give up and good luck.
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