My very, completely and totally EX Husband, who lives in Braintree, UK, about 5 years ago was arrested for using his card to access a child pornography site, luckily for me i was well rid of him many years before, anyway, the Police Operation was called Operation Ore and caught out alot of sick individuals, my ex was made to sign the sex offenders register for 5 years BUT my poor darling daughters, were involved with having to have supervised visits with him, as far as i was concerned he didnt deserve to see them at all, they are now 18 nowand do not want anything to do with him, but they went through hell and i did watching them, Social Services were fantastic, so helpful, if it wasnt for them i wouldnt have known the outcome of hiis arresst as the Police wouldnt tell me much as we are divorced, anyway, my daughters are left with this terrible memory whilst their dirt bag father has his own 3 bed house in braintree, Essex, a new car, friends...etc, I wonder if anyone where he lives know wot he is!
A short while back he got the UMP, because my daughters didnt want any contact with him and he sent them letters saying basically how awful they were for not contacting him and that so I replied on their behalf and below is the email I sent to him, i have taken out my daughters names for obvious reasons but it gives you an idea what sort of person he is:
Once again Bryan you have managed to upset xxxx and xxxx, the email xxxx received today is totally unnecessary, and i along with xxxx and xxxx are disgusted that you continue to put your feelings along with those of your mothers in front of xxxx and xxxx, you say you love them yet you first send them an email about your father, then send them another equally upsetting email and tell them in it why you don't send them presents anymore, disgusting, what sort of father are you???
Has it occurred to you that the reason why they hardly ever contact you is because of your actions, you know the saying Bryan, "Theirs no smoke without fire"!!!!!!, as you said in your email, xxxx can make the decision for herself if she wants to see you at the age of 16, but she hasn't, maybe that's her decision, one you will have to accept.
Anyway until they were both 18 they would still need supervisory visits with you and they do not want that at all, and I decide who i feel is suitable to be the supervisor and that will NOT be any member of yours, or my family or friends. They hated the fact that they had to have supervisory visits. Many a time xxxx has wanted to visit her Grandparents but decided not to as she knew that somehow you would be there.
As for the CSA you have sent them, it took me ages to get anything out of you and then only when you were threatened with court action so don't try that one with them, they know the score.
As for you and your mother not sending presents to them because you never get a thank-you, that's teenagers, Bryan, get used to it, many a time in your disgusting emails you have said what kind of daughters/grand-daughters are they, well they are teenagers, but you and your mother are adults, what kind of father and grandmother put themselves first over their children/grandchildren.
You are upsetting xxxx and xxxx with your upsetting letters and emails, by all means write to them and email them BUT if they get another upsetting email from you or any member of your family, I will print them all off and send them to your mother (who you don't want to upset) and Social Services.
Strange how you don't want to upset your mother but don't worry about upsetting your daughters, selfish not strange, I on the other hand will not have anyone upset xxxx and xxxx nor their siblings, no-one.
Take it from me Bryan, if when they are 18 they do want to see you, then you are going the wrong way in showing them, that you put them first, because your letters and emails only show the complete opposite.
xxxxx IS NOW DOING HER APPRENTICESHIP AND xxxx IS STUDYING FOR HER GCSE'S, SO DO NOT STRESS OR UPSET THEM ANYMORE WITH YOUR UPSETTING LETTERS OR EMAILS OR DEMANDS, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.
THEIR MOTHER, GILLIAN.
I don't really know your situation or your family, but here is something I do know:
You indicate he's a manipulator.
Your email tells him not to do something.
Then you say that your daughters are particularly vulnerable to emotional manipulation/upset/stress right now.
I can almost guarantee that the combination of a manipulative person + being told "NO" + being told "these people are vulnerable" will result in exactly the thing you don't want him to do.
My advice for next time (and there will be one, I'm sure) is this:
Make the letter extremely short. Say simply "If you want to write to your daughters, fine. Please be advised that all correspondence to XXX (16 yr old) is read by me and anything objectionable will be sent on to Social Services. This is what we, as a family, have decided to do to prevent you from continuing this emotional abuse."
Period. Then the next time he sends anything but a "Happy Birthday," it goes to the social worker. And the time after that. And after that. Basically, until the social worker tells you not to send any more. And then they go to a file so you have a paper trail of the crap he's pulled. Your daughters can burn it when they're old enough and emotionally ready.
The 18 year old needs to decide for herself how to handle this. Myself? At first, I opened and took out the money, read the letters, and then didn't answer them. Eventually, I hid-- moved around every 4-6 months and didn't tell anyone my new address. Finally, I started sending the letters back, unopened, and that worked. I used a feature in my email program to bounce mail from the offending party, so it seemed like my email address was bad. Period. I don't open it. I don't read it. I decided years ago that there was absolutely nothing this person could say to me that would make me want to have a relationship with them.
And what is wrong with THEM to want a relationship with someone so resistant to their overtures? I will tell you-- they want what they can't have. They want to continue the emotional abuse they were able to get away with for years. In short: they do not have my best interests at heart, and therefore, I have no desire to participate in their cycle of abuse.
That's my free advice, and worth every penny.
Thank you so much for the advise and i totally agree with it and will act on that next time. You have made things a little more easier. we too have moved around the country every couple of years so now we are going home for good, back toEssex as we miss family and friends there and the girls are 19 and nearly 18 now and they know what they want to do with regard to him, they want to have a relationship with their Grandmother but not him, i will support them all the way.
Many thanks again and Merry Christmas.
Great advice Mortaine, I hope this works out for you Gillian.
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