Should a father spank his teenage child for making her step-mother mad?

1. 78

   K. Burns Darlingposted 12 years ago

   Should a father spank his teenage child for making her step-mother mad?
   
   I know a 13 year old girl who's father spanked her with a belt for making her step-mother angry, and  then told her that every time that the step-mother informed him that the girl had  made her mad, he was going to do it again.

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2. 91

   VirginiaLynneposted 12 years ago

   I think spanking for a 13 year old is probably not going to work.

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      guardian1935posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      It will be VERY COUNTER-productive and induce much anger. I know, as I treated such children for over 25 years as a Psychotherapist and Marriage & Family Therapist. Spanking shows lack of good parenting skills.

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   2. 60

      CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Dr. Ross Campbell is a VERY reputable psychologist that works primarily with children and in his book "How to Really Love Your Child" he gives very good advice about corporal punishment and when it "should" be used--if used.

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3. 59

   RNMSNposted 12 years ago

   I was whipped with a belt all my life up until 6th grade/that time for cheating on a math test cause the girl across the aisle said she wanted to be my friend/but most of the time I didnt know what I was being whipped for and you can call it  spanking...its a whipping and does it work? of course not/and does the child learn anything? of course the child learns. the child learns that whatever she/he does will be met with pain and tears.

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4. 73

   brakel2posted 12 years ago

   I know of kids who were spanked with a belt years ago. Spanking Isn't a good punishment for learning what is right and wrong. The belt now is often called child abuse. No child wants to live in fear of a welt from a belt. People need to wake up and ground, take away privileges, or sit down calmly and establish good relationships with children. Sometimes that may be all that a child needs, some quality time and explanations. Sometimes parents jump to conclusions  I got spankings for that very reason-  a lack of all the info.

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   1. 60

      CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You hit a very good point! Before issuing the discipline, a parent has to step back and ask himself, "what does my child NEED?" We must convey love to a child through eye and physical contact, and focused attention before we turn to discipline.

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5. 61

   smzclarkposted 12 years ago

   Definately not! You haven't said how she made her angry, but no matter what that is going to make the teenager feel like the father cares more about his new wife than her. She will come to hate the step mother more and more with each spanking. It sounds to me like the father, the daughter and the step mother all need to sit down and do some serious talking...atleast work out a punishment that doesn't include the use of a belt!

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6. 74

   breathe2travelposted 12 years ago

   I think spanking is only appropriate when direct disobedience is involved.  What if the girl uses the last egg, not knowing her step-mother needed it for a recipe that day, and irritates her step-mom?  I don't think that is a good or healthy call at all to say if you make someone mad you're in trouble.  What if the other person has emotional problems and doesn't keep herself in check?  Not cool, IMO.

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7. 60

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   No, 13 is too old for spanking.  I never agree with hitting a child with an implement.  You are saying to the child - I will cause you physical pain to get you to behave - It is barbaric.  And to beat a child because the step mother "tattles" is telling the child she is second best.  It also says quite a bit about the step mother - and it isn't good. He needs to sit down with both of them and establish some rules of conduct for all of them.

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8. 81

   breastpumpreviewsposted 12 years ago

   Taking away privileges or their favorite items such as ipods, tv, and other electronics, would be a better punishment than spankings at this age.

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9. 61

   nightwork4posted 12 years ago

   he needs a beating himself. spanking a child with your hand is one thing but using a weapon is sickening. i grew up getting hit with belts, sticks etc.and it was crappy. also, once a kid becomes a teen, spankings should be a thing of the past.

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10. 78

    Man from Modestoposted 12 years ago

    Children that do not receive an -appropriate- spanking during their youth to receive discipline often grow up to be, um... how to describe it... selfish? Undisciplined maybe?
    
    The opposite end of the spectrum (from no spankings and complete liberty to grow into a selfish, unrestrained burden) is the person who is never allowed to do anything, goes out into life as an adult with no social skills and gets used and abused by employers, selfish men, and other pariahs.
    
    There is a need for reasonable spanking. Personally, I would not spank my own daughter after puberty; I think the 12th birthday is an alternate line to not be crossed. But, for a man to spank the but of an older girl WHO IS NOT HIS OWN DAUGHTER, is very strange, and inappropriate.

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       guardian1935posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I could not disagree with you more. I never spanked my six children and they are FAR from "undisciplined and disrespectful." All are very mature, productive citizens with good jobs, and show respect to all. A parent who inflicts pain lacks skills.

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    2. 60

       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I don't think all kids need spankings. And I know plenty of self-LESS,respectful, disciplined adults that were not spanked as a child. It's just a matter of finding a discipline regimen that works best for each individual child.

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11. 58

    krissy72posted 12 years ago

    no child should be spanked, that is cruel and does not teach the child anything. It sounds like the step mother is trying to punish the girl out of anger and not actually discipline her for anything

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12. 79

    roxanne459posted 12 years ago

    I hope there is much more to the scenario. Given only the info provided in the question posed, that family is headed for nothing but tension and discord! I am a huge advocate for teaching kids to respect the elders in the household, some call me super old fasioned when it comes to that stuff but what is going on there isn't right. The decision on whether or not you believe in corporal punishment is secondary to the toxic relationship that is sure to form between the daughter and step-daughter. Being a step-parent means playing by a whole different set of rules and it is hard!! Nothing is more rewarding when it's done right but when done wrong, the children suffer immensely! My heart goes out to that whole family

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13. 81

    Hyphenbirdposted 12 years ago

    No. A teenager is too old to spank and physical punishment is devastating to one's self esteem. Teenagers struggle with that issue anyway. Just making the stepmother mad is not reason for any type of punishment anyway. The woman can get mad over a multitude of things. I find it abhorrent that the girl is beaten with a belt. That is not spanking. It is beaten.

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14. 61

    daizhiningposted 12 years ago

    No! for the reason that what if its a lie, just because she informs him and he will spank the girl?
    
    spanking is okey and it still works to most kids at that age around here, but she/he i mean the kid should know what the spank is for, make them understand that its for their own good, in that girls kid the reason is not clear enough, what is clear is that he favors the step mom more than the kid.

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15. 61

    jf_2000posted 12 years ago

    I think spanking a child of any age is disgraceful and a lazy form of discipline from the parent.
    
    It teaches your child that violence is an acceptable way to gain compliance in society.
    
    As a parent, I know that it's entirely possible to enforce good behavior and teach kids right from wrong without physical violence.
    
    I know parenting can be tough, but spanking is not the answer.

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    1. 52

       guardian1935posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Very well said.

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    2. 60

       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Spankings, when used appropriately, do not teach your child violence as it is an act of ANGER and a spanking should NEVER be issued if the parent is angry with the child. Before ANY punishment is issued, a parent should evaluate what the child needs.

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16. 92

    Faceless39posted 12 years ago

    There's something sexual about spankings at that age.  That's a little bit messed up, weird.

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17. 0

    VeronicaInspiresposted 12 years ago

    Although I am in favor of spanking - “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” I think a teenager is a bit old to be disciplined in that way, particularly in this instance.
    
    Is there some underlying reason why the child is acting out? It sounds like there's a preference going on here. 
    
    Father and stepmother need to make sure they maintaining a united front – particularly in front of their child, not doing anything that would undermine the other's discipline.
    
    They also need to make sure discipline is being dispersed rightly and fairly. It sounds like the teenager's spirit is being broken.

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18. 91

    mikejhcaposted 12 years ago

    No.  The phrase "Use your words" comes to mind.  This is a phrase I have heard parents say to their children.  Spanking is the same as hitting.  The only deference is that the child is being hit where other people will not see the marks.  The girl will most likely lose all respect for her father and step-mother.  They are teaching her to hit when she gets mad and she is most likely going to be holding on to a lot of anger. 
    
    The girl is probably going to be hit a lot and be treated like an outsider.  It is not going to end well.

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    1. 60

       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Spanking should never leave a mark on a child. It would take a big whack for to leave a mark, and if that's the case then it is being used inappropriately and the parent should offer the child an apology.

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19. 60

    Ona Canadyposted 12 years ago

    Well, I was not spanked as a child and I was the most disrespectful child I knew. Time outs didn't work! Now I'm not saying I should have got whipped with a belt, but there were there few times that my mother's hand should have made my bottom sting for a split second. Even though I jokingly say that if I were to catch Aidan trying to leave the house in a really short skirt I may just have to leave a wooden spoon welt on her leg. I would not be trying to spank a teenager. Right now they are having a real ruff time figuring out who they are. That some times in that discovery they may not always make the right choice. Set her down talk to you daughter, try not to be very accusative to her. Ask her whats wrong? If she doesn't say anything walk away and keep her in her room. You can allow her to come talk to you before leaving the house. If she wants to talk she'll come to you. If she is really rebellious, like I was, she may try to leave the house with out coming and talking to you, then call the cops. Good luck.

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20. 60

    YvetteParkerposted 12 years ago

    Seems as though the communication is one sided. Surely, an adult step mother does not expect to live out the rest of her life without becoming angry about something that a teen will say/not say or do/not do. She is very unrealistic and is out of touch with life, in general. This family needs to get to the root of the real issues and problems here. The approach that the father is taking is simply driving a deeper wedge between his daughter and his wife. The daughter has no incentive to being nice to the step mom when she's feeling that her father cares more about her step mom than he does her.

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21. 0

    Billie Paglioloposted 12 years ago

    No!  This is a scarry question and indicative of a very serious situation in the family about whom you're writing. If you are friends with this family, perhaps your wife or some loving individual can befriend this child, for although the girl is thirteen, to have divorce and a step-parent in her life at this critical stage of development without adequate support will affect this young woman negatively for the rest of her life.  This is a family in crisis.

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22. 60

    Lyriczposted 11 years ago

    What the hell???? That is crazy. First of all if the step-mother has a problem with something that her step-child has done, the she being the adult and the parental figure in the situation should be able to discipline the child herself. For her to run of to her husband every time she gets into it with his kid is ridiculous. Who's really the child here? Secondly, someone needs to whoop the father's ass for spanking a 13 year old for anything. He's just showing his daughter that she comes second to his wife. I don't even know what else to say about that, it's just disgusting.

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23. 83

    Collisaposted 11 years ago

    He was a jerk. The end.
    
    OK, Hubpages thinks that wasn't long enough. I'll add that no one can "make" someone else angry. The step-mother is responsible for her own feelings. Also, if the dad is responsible for the divorce and then introducing a step-mother he is not in a position to demand his daughter adapt to her step-mother.
    
    OK, deep breath. I'm calming down now. I don't know the whole story, so I can't make an accurate judgment. There are two sides to every story. But I do know that the adults are responsible for the family and if they're messing up, the kids shouldn't be punished for that. His actions sound reactive, and he doesn't appear to love his daughter.

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24. 52

    guardian1935posted 11 years ago

    First of all, for any age child, spanking is a poor choice, as it advocates that it is okay for a larger, more powerful person to inflict physical pain upon a weaker person for whatever offense the stronger person deems appropriate for this kind of punishment.
    
    Secondly, to use a belt is to put an instrument between the enforcer and the person to be punished, thus removing the enforcer from any tactile feedback on what they are administering.
    
    Thirdly, it is usually an emotional and therefore unrational reaction to the perceived offense, and no obedience measures should be enacted during an emotional reactionary period of time.
    
    Fourthly, it is not a teachable measure designed to inform the child as to appropriate social behavior. (See #1) To accomplish learning in the child, how one handles a situation must include decisions on the part of the child, and no child chooses punishment, but it is conceivable that they can surely choose appropriate respect and obedience.
    
    The parent can begin with listening to the child's concerns and perspectives relating to the issue at hand. this will engage the child in the learning process. Without this, the child simply 'tunes out,' and usually becomes more entrenched in solely their point of view. This blocks the necessary employment of empathy, which is at the heart of all successful communications. We must be able to see and understand the other person's point of view on issues. One method of doing this is to have the child, after hearing their point of view, act as if they were the other person involved in the issue, and explain the issue from that person's point of view. This puts them on both sides of the issue, and can be quite enlightening for the child.
    
    The central point of this approach is to exercise restraint, foster respect of all persons involved, be an enabler of better communications, and to teach the social skills the child will need throughout life, if they are going to live successfully as a reasonable person. Teach, not hurt. Discipline must ultimately become self-discipline, and physical punishment is not discipline. We learn till we die. Will the child learn by flaggilating his/her self throughout adulthood?

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    1. 60

       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       The only problem I see with this approach is toddlers do not understand an deep discussions. Spanking should be used to get the child's attention, not to inflict pain. Therefore, it is essential that a parent is not angry when issuing a spanking.

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    2. 52

       guardian1935posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       The question was about a teenager, not a toddler, and that is the question I answered. I raised six children and they all have grown up to be responsible adults. None were spanked.

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       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Well,you were the one that said "a child any age".But good for you.I have found that spanking my children was unaffective for discipline,so I do not issue it,but I know parents that do and their kids turned out to be happy,healthy,well-rounded people

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    4. 52

       guardian1935posted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I always got my children's attention by sitting them down, face-to-face with me, and addressing the infraction. This worked even when they were toddlers, as I kept the dialogue appropriately geared to their level of understanding. Spanking = pain.

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    5. 60

       CynthiAnnposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       My aunt used spankings in her discipline and my cousins have grown into upstanding adults who have good relationships with my aunt and are wonderful parents to their children. It's not a bad form of discipline. Just different than what you used.

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25. 60

    CynthiAnnposted 11 years ago

    It's pointless to apply spankings to a child that is almost old enough to emancipate herself.  I believe the marital relationship holds the highest importance in the household, so it is good for dad to step in when child is disobeying mom. However, a 13 year old is too old to be spanked as a punishment and what also needs to be factored in is why was the step-mom mad? Was the girl unruly, disrespectful, and unreasonably defiant? Or was step-mom just being too knit-picky?  I'll bet it is nothing that a family discussion couldn't solve.

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