marriage

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   jojo577posted 12 years ago

   hi i am 31 year old i had a marriage against our family's will 3years back when we met 1year before marrige my hubby was employed and we were v compatible so i went ahead with the marriage although at time of marriage he left his job as he wanted to join stock market but later recension came and 1year after marriage he got epilepsy and was diagnosed multiple nurocystcercosis now after2 years of treatment he is stable on medication but doc says he would never be able to gain the same efficensy as before i feel v cheated
   v frustated.  he has become v negative has no friends has been studying but is not v positive this is effecting me badly . i want to have a child but with single income no help from family and a negative guy what do i expect? what should i do should i go aheadwith separation?
   i am losing my mental calm and feeling depressed i cannot share this with anyone i feel alone and stuck?

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   1. 61

      CASE1WORKERposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      remember that vow "in sickness and in heath, so long as you both shall live?"

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      h.a.borcichposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Honestly.
      Sounds like you thought he was perfect so you married him. Now that he has had some poor health and bad luck you want to leave him. And YOU feel cheated?
      Two thoughts for you.
      1. If you were the one with health issues and the bread winner in this economy, would you expect your spouse to walk out?
      2. If you do leave him - forget about getting married again. Without a doubt a health issue will come up or the economic climate will change and you'll be in the same boat again.
      I wonder why he has some negativity issues.

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2. 76

   Moms-Secretposted 12 years ago

   wow, you must really be going thru something to pour your heart out here.  I feel for you.  You are in a hard situation, but it sounds like he needs you.  I am all for leaving if it is an abusive situation, but I have found that getting thru the hard things often leads to great things.  Have you talked to him about what you are feeling?  Children should certainly wait til later.  Kids are a blessing but very rarely do they fix a broken relationship.
   
   I would try to find out if there is anything that would inspire him to live, then confront him with the question.  Is this worth loosing everything for?  I would fight the good fight before I surrendered.  In light of your financial situation, you may want to look for church counseling.  Most of those are willing to help with little or no cost compared to traditional counseling.
   
   Many Blessings.

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3. 0

   Home Girlposted 12 years ago

   No 1: Whatever you choose, you have to live with it.
   No 2: Financial situation should be the least of your worries. You can always change it later.
   No 3: You have to talk to your partner to define your position. If you are married you cannot decide alone to have children or not to have.
   Yes, it is for better or for worse, but if worst comes you have to make the right decision. You need to know what is right for you, it's your life. It's not always easy, be earnest with yourself and your man.

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4. 62

   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   I think you have to sort out the different components of your own unhappiness with the situation:
   
   1.  There's the thing that he won't/may not have the same kind of work/income again.  To me, that's a "for-better-or-worse" aspect to the problem.
   
   2.  There's the thing that he's "negative".  Chances are he's dealing with own, individual, loss/grief over the life he won't have; but there's also the chance he just doesn't feel physically well (which will get to people if it keeps up long enough).  So with that issue, I think he (and you) need to thinking about, maybe, getting some counseling about ways you both can work on, or with, his unhappiness.  His unhappiness or depression are very real, but living with someone who's negative also can cause very real unhappiness in a spouse or family member.  I once read a really good article about living with someone who has depression, and - honestly - because I was doing just that at the time, the article made me cry.  It made me feel like - finally - someone acknowledged what I was going through.
   
   So, I think you need to address your own unhappiness (with him and maybe a counselor), and he needs to address his.  Then, I think both of you need to figure a way to address the "combined" unhappiness (and maybe with the help of a counselor if that's what it takes).
   
   3.  As far as the baby issue goes, I think you both need to have some real candid discussions about it.  That's another area where, maybe, a counselor could offer some input on the issues you both should be discussing (with regard to children).  (Who wants a baby now, if anyone?  Who'd like a baby one day, if anyone?  Who "never wants any kids"?  Might a baby inherit whatever his condition is?  Is anyone concerned about that?  Might his life be shortened by it?  Who wants a baby, but maybe isn't all that sure about the marriage surviving?  If you're 31 and wait so long you discover you have fertility problems, would you resent him for his role in wanting to wait?  All just a sampling of questions that need answering.)
   
   All the above stuff aside, I know what it's like to live with someone who's negative and "depressed" (regardless of kind and cause of that "depression").  As someone who had always been able to effectively deal with problems in life (and never felt like I needed "emotional support" from anyone), I just thought I could effectively deal with that one.  I was wrong.  It's more than even the most caring, capable, family member (or spouse) can deal with all by herself.  Even if a counselor proved to be otherwise completely "useless" for you, it would be a way for you to have the support of someone else (other than just you).  Getting just enough to support to help you get a little bit out of the quagmire of isolation and helplessness with the situation might help you see all the other components (and the overall picture) a little more clearly.

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5. 0

   klarawieckposted 12 years ago

   How can you have a marriage against your family's will? I don't understand. Is it that your parents didn't want you to marry this guy?
   I know of a similar case where the husband is sick with the same disease and he's also very depressed and negative. He sucks all of her energy and she couldn't take it anymore. She found herself a "friend" and she spends some happier moments with him. Meanwhile she is still taking care of her husband because she knows that he won't survive without her. I'm not saying that what she's doing is right. I don't think I could, but I'm not her and I've never found myself in that type of situation. But in her defense, I'll say that she is still helping her husband, with him, and supporting him every way she can. She knows is downhill from now on, and there is no point on her losing whatever mental sanity she has left over his sickness. That would make two people sick and no one would be able to support the other physically or mentally.
   I wish you all the luck in the world. I know it's a tough situation. I think you need to find a way to escape from time to time, and I'm not saying that you should have an affair, but I think you need to find some space to be you and restore your energy.

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6. 0

   ExoticHippieQueenposted 12 years ago

   I really feel for you and your situation, jojo.  And you have many sound pieces of advice here to your question. I'm sure that you are feeling cheated. After all, you married a perfectly healthy man and now look what you've got.  AND you went against your family, and now they can say "we told you so". Well, this is the deal, jojo.  In case nobody told you this yet, LIFE IS NOT FAIR.  We here in countries that are well off economically are somewhat protected from this fact compared to people trying to survive in third world countries. The reason I bring this up is because in these third world countries, each day is a matter of survival, you stick together, sharing food and shelter, etc., protecting each other's back, etc. in order to survive.  The thought of having a choice about should I leave or should I stay is not even a possiblility. We are quite spoiled.  Given that, it's not fair that these poor people suffer and die and lose their children at such a young age, while in other countries there is an abundance of food, medicine and other daily needs. Again, life is unfair. And that is a very obvious example.  So here in our privileged world, we come up against issues such as yours.  In light of how others suffer, our problems pale a bit by comparison, though I am not diminishing the depth of your problem.  It is not fair that your husband has been afflicted by this disease, and now it has changed him in drastic ways. It's not fair that your dream of the life that you expected to have with him is over, at least for now, but possibly forever.  But know what?  This is life. You made a promise to this man just a short time ago to love, honor and obey him in sickness and in health, and now you are ready to bail out?  I know it's no walk in the park.  Nobody said it would be, but life is hard. People get sick. You could leave him, marry someone else than have a child with a serious or fatal illness that you had to care for.  There are no guarantees.  You need support during this difficult time in your life.  Whether it be telling your friends that you need them more now, asking your family for support, despite the past issues, joining a church or support group, visiting a therapist who can counsel and advise you, even getting on an anti-depressant medication. Anything and everything that you can think of, do it and get it.  You have to be a survivor, like I was talking about up top.  Do what you have to do, and do the right thing. Care for your husband as best as you can, make a Plan A, Plan B and a Plan C.  Get what you need for yourself to be what you need to be and do what you need to do.  I wish I could help support you, well I can, right here on hubpages.  Contact me any time.  I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.  Be strong, girl! Strong! You can do this!!!!!!! P.S. This would be a terrible time to think of having a baby.  The marriage has to survive first! A baby later if and when things stabilize with his health and/or your marriage.

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7. 53

   jojo577posted 12 years ago

   i am crying and laughing at the same time thank you all of you! i am so grateful that atleast there is someone to listen and respond i totally agree with lot of what u all are saying first let me tell u i lost my father at 3years of age and my mother of cancer when i was 13 i was brought up by my maternal grandparents thats why this is even more difficult for me i have felt lonely for so long .my grandparents though v good people but they had issues they were not compatible they cared for each other but they were not meant for each other they fought verbally so i never could share anything with them i feel i even didnt learn a lot of social skills and was painfully shy all my life like a caged bird so i wanted to marry for compatibility though this guy was confused but he understood me as he had a stepmom and was not loved that much his father was out at work the mother used to vent her mood swings on the child
   well my uncles were seeing well placed guys for me but i wanted someone who would listen to me and share. a normal guy might not have understood me
     Even if i feel self pity sometime and i nag him to improve his attitude i know if i leave him my heart would not allow it .i am considering going to a counselor.
     i do agree it could be that if i married someone else i could have still faced some or the other issue i guess god wants to teach me that's why he has given me a tricky life i just get up from one situation and fall into another
   thank u for your support do tell me ways to deal with all this .i feel i cannot stop stress from coming but i can learn ways to counter them deal with them i also pray to god to show me the way and give me the strength . 
   as of baby yes i know if i delay it i may have fertility issue otherwise i am not in a hurry to have kids but even if we hav them later we will be requiring savings. i do want to have kids sometime in future.

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8. 53

   jojo577posted 12 years ago

   and yes about having an affair well this is another major issue
   something, being from conservative family i was hiding
   although i follow  monogamy he was my first and till now last and if life was going ok i wouldnt have thought of anything else but the truth is we hadnt have sex for long though i yearn for it but because he seems so mentally weak i am totally put off
   i waste time fantasizing about it... self help.
   really this is another reason i feel cheated i waited for so long to begin my sexual life and now when i am in my prime i cannot have it because earlier he was sick physically and now mentally .
   god! how long will i be able to take it? there r so many issues
   i am also thinkng of affairs but havent got time and i dont like the idea for me its either marriage or nothing i am torn between my good and bad self this also disturbs me a lot i am not able to work efficiently this sexual energy  drives me crazy sometimes.

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      klarawieckposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      There are a lot of toys out there for women that want but can't. I'm just saying... you might want to give it a try. It won't replace being with a real man, but with a little imagination? oh well... something's better than nothing!

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         4tuneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Exactly if you have lived with celibacy as I have you see sex yes is fun but in realty only of small importance when it comes to loving someone deeply.
         
         Toys R Awsome.. Maybe better than a real man sometimes come to think of it ; )

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9. 60

   knolyourselfposted 12 years ago

   Know a woman in a similar situation. But she not married. She is going to take care of this guy just because she is a good person. But if she wants a life of her own she will have it. If he don't like
   see ya later.

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10. 61

    4tuneposted 12 years ago

    #1) counseling to learn how to detach the YOU from his depression, I think can be done and then better for him as he will need to take responsibility for his own feelings, as right now this is walking on a tightrope between either being helpful to him or possibly an enabler so to speak. ( I am not there to asses the situation so this can only be a guess here. )
    
    #2.) I do not know about the family being against the marriage if you are saying that maybe that was part of the attraction to get married? Or if that will be another struggle as they will have something over your head.. But I think really if you love him they should respect your decision and maybe they should be avoided then if already confronted, I cannot imagine a family doing this unless they thought he really was wrong for you in some other way before - that is my concern here, But then some people I guess are that selfish.
    
    Truly I hope this works out for the best, But yes because of the complexity in this I would think counseling first and foremost.
    
    Do you love him enough? If you don't then he does deserve to be able to move on, If you do then you have to work it out and accept that life changes, and it will just be another life with the one you love an adjustment and some work, That is how I would see it.

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