I am so confused and I really feel like this is affecting my life help

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   Tulips-smithposted 12 years ago

   so i wrote a topic a few days explaining briefly my'n and my ex situation how I have told him if it is over between us just say so.  Still nothing has been said.
   
   he knows the if it is over with us then I would like my furniture back from the flat and he said he has no prob with that but is happy to keep it till we talk again.
   
   so it has been two months now and I know he is still sleeping with this girl,  he did try to email me the other day about a letter he got from me at his flat but apart from that nothing more was said
   
   I told him not to email him again and if he needs to talk to me please text me
   
   I did this cause I thought he can't send secret emails to me even just about a letter.  Just so this girl won't know we are talking.
   
   anyway here is my thing I can't say how I feel about my ex.
   
   just feel like he has told me so many lies I don't know what the truth is anymore.  I don't get why he still has not said to it's over I am sorry, if it is and I don't even know if he realises why I have not bothered collecting my things from his flat knowing that at this moment in time I am single.
   
   
   so here is my situation for whatever reason is my ex just not telling me it is over with us officially and may be he has just decided he needed me a pick me up or whatever by going off with the first girl who payed him a bit of attention and is having a six month affiar or whatever and generally means it when he says we will eventually talk again.
   I dunno, just kind of trying to figure things out here.
   
   or does he really not care and have not thought about my feelings in any of this cause he is so distracted by this girl and the fact that she has given him sex so easily and the fact that he was deprived of it for so long.  Will also make him stay with her for xamount of time.
   
   or I guess it is over he does not have the guts to tell me in which case do I confront him, when I say this I was gonna meet him in a public place talk to him if he lies to me I just need to tell him what I know and go from there.
   
   just to clarify at the moment I have tryed to respect his wishes by leaving him alone to sort his head out as he asked cause at least I thought may be he would realise in time how much I have changed and that I can sort myself out on my own, I don't need him and if wants to loose our 8 year realationship over someone like the girl he has gone off with and I am not saying that in a rude way me and her from the sounds of it are just two very different people.  Then good luck to him.
   
   please advise me and if you can't would a councillor tell me how to deal with things.  As hard as it is if I live the next however long by keeping myself busy and not saing nothing to my ex I will do, in the hopes of may be he will realise when I told him not to say things he did not mean etc etc he has done the exact opposite of what I have aksed.
   
   or is it just screw it has been two months now I need to confront my ex.
   
   help, sorry about the long message.  thanks for any advice you can give me

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      SwiftFamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      no matter what people may tell you, LOVE IS NOT MESSY! do we love thru faults, build each other up, give room for mistakes... yes, but what it sounds like you are a part of, is mess. simply for the well-being of your soul, let him go. grab some friends/family and go get your stuff back. it sounds like you are incredibly hurt (rightfully so) and you want him to make you feel better... this isn't going to happen. YOU must choose to feel better. hard YES, but possible.

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   psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

   Well, he is sleeping with someone else. Why wait for him to declare it over and give him all that power?  Just call him, say it is over and set a time to go and collect your furniture.

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      Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Firstly I should explain part of the reason we are In this mess is cause I've had issues that I am only just dealing with secondly I'm not so worried about the furniture you know now Its neither a Here or there now.
      
      Yup I've got great fam and friends who have helped me out a lot recently.
      
      Another thing I should add is having read the messages that this girl has written to him, even though this Is no excuse I knew he would not turn her down it's easy.
      
      Look clearly as far as i am concerned yup it's over and I should add I've spoken to him three times just over little a letter I needed from him etc but cause he never said oh it's over and may be he just does not have the guts to who knows.
      
      This was why at the mo I'm staying well clear of him.  Look I guess the thing is If I really had to confront him cause it's the only way he will know how angry I am with him and I dont want an argument with the guy but
      
      Anyway otherwise for the first time today I realised may be I'm just doing the right thing by staying well away from him.  Cause for all I know this girl could just be sex and a bit of a get away from hard times if our relationship will be me just bidding my time and seeing If he calls me.
      
      Cause why is he gonna care I guess If I call him and say it's over.
      
      For whatever reason he still has not done and may be be can't??!'
      
      I guess it's a hard thing to decide If I'm doing the right thing by staying away from him,  keeping no contact Like I have done for past two months or is the only thing I can do is confront him.  I just don't know If it will get me anywhere and by me just being silent it will may be get the message across that even If it's hard I do have to move on and when I say that I can't have a boyfriend at the mo but I can keep busy If that makes sense.
      
      Thanks for all your help

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   paradigmsearchposted 12 years ago

   Show up with a truck and some friends.
   
   Take what is yours.
   
   Leave.

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   psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

   IMHO sleeping with someone else is his way of telling you it's over.

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      Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      May be you are right but then silly question why is it still such a secret not only from me but even If him and this girl are not meant to be together why has he not introduced her to his family yet.
      
      May be this sound crazy but I just did not wanna rush into doing anything until I know for certain yeah I'm doing the right thing by confronting him especially cause at the mo I know that one of the reason he also went off with someone else is cause instead of him dealing with the fact that he has had a break down over our relatonship it was easy just trying to start a new with someone else you know.
      
      May be it sounds crazy to say but I've just wanted to be certain that I'm doing the right thing for me before starting an issue where I'm collecting my things where I'm collecting my things without thinking things through getting advice first cause as crazy as it sounds but I guess I just had hoped one day he would realise that going off with the first girl that comes along is not the answer to resolving anything you know & may be he would regret all of this In the next 60 yrs or so lol!

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         Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I should say I just know what my ex is like and even If him and this girl are serious and even If they are not meant to be dating for work reasons my ex would never keep his girlfriend such a secret from his family or friend outside work.
         
         I know no one can tell me the answer to that but there are so many things I have ??? About just wanna be careful before rushing Into Anything you know.

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   EmpressFelicityposted 12 years ago

   It sounds like the only thing that has prevented him from telling you it's over is the fact that he'd be minus furniture if he did.
   
   I like Paradigm's idea - hire a van and turn up with some mates to take the furniture away to your new place. That'll teach him!

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   psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

   Some guys just don't want to have the uncomfortable scene--but you can't let that stop you from getting on with life.

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      HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      think the best thing like someone told me once he may never come back, can you live with that and detach yourself from the emotions and attachments. Sometimes just letting go and moving on even if it is materialistic things is the freedom in releasing you from the pain and suffering. Do you need him to tell you he loves you! Is he worthy of your heart?  Sometimes we need this time to dig down in our own heart and figure out whether he really is what we want or need. The best thing I ever did was let go, and not show I was interested and move on with my life. Sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don't. You are unique seperate from anyother women. He will remember this when you walk away and let go.

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   poeticmentorposted 12 years ago

   First off let me say I was with a man for fifteen years and it was the eight year he decided to be with someone else.  I was so sick, like you feel now.  I can just feel your pain. It was very difficult to let him go and once you have children well..it is amplified. From your post I am getting that you are more concerned about his feelings rather than your own. Your idea of him is gone and you are blaming yourself.  but we don't admit these things until we are well over them.  right now continue to do as you are. Stay silent. It allows both of you to clear things up and there is no influences stopping the healing process, no arguments to intensify what has already happened. Yes you can stay busy, yet even that becomes difficult when you are obsessing over his other girl. Let that play out. trust me it won't last. BUT it is not up to you to sabotage it, let it crumble on it's own without your input. (very important)  You must trust this process. If he truly love you he will be back, You have to decide what happens when he does come running back.  The power will be yours to control any outcome. If you keep discussing to him your feelings toward the "other" woman, you will draw him more to her, even if he is not feeling her anymore. You are correct, you two are very different and that's ok. She is not better or worse than you! You are unique and what ever his relationship is to this girl, IS NOT the same as you and his. She will never be able to replace the 8 years you have with this guy.  I hope you can find strength during this probably much needed space and time away from this person. if it is not meant to be, then you must move toward healing and not blaming each other, pointing fingers. Also  If you are not petty about material things, do not collect items just to go be nosey or to seek revenge.  Be the example that you want him to follow when he does return. Also do not hold on to the hope that he will return, you will be disappointed when if he doesn't come on your time frame. I know that being in a relationship with someone 8 years is a long time and we can easily use this 'rational"  to stay in unhealthy relationships, but think of it like this. 8 years is NOTHING compared to the rest of your LIFE. Choose well and be wise. Don;t play his game, Play yours! You do not have to be rude or show anger to get answers from him. If he won;t decide then you must do it. I recommend you take some more time before you decide.  Deciding to soon can backfire and waiting too late will have him taking advantage of your love for him. You will be in a back & forth love triangle and that hurts even worse. patience my dear, you have the power and don't even know it.  Blessings 1..join me

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      Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      thanks for your advice I think you are right and I will carry on doing what I am doing cause even this is time we have been apart things that have affected our relationship I have now been able to sort out  and when I say this I mean because of my arthirtos I can get easily tired but since I have become vegan I have more energy than what I did before.
      
      I have no intention with arguing with my ex I am better than to argue with him over silly things now anyway and he needs to see that, even when he has tried to argue with me recently I have always stopped it.
      
      I do know this much if we are meant to be work things out and if he is meant to come back to me he will.  I won't pin my hopes on this but you know what I mean if something is meant to be it will be always.
      
      And I do think may be I had to go through this year alone to be a better person, learn from my mistakes and if he now chooses to see that it is his choice but if not then there is nothing I can do about that.
      
      I will stick to my orignal plan and leave everything with him, hopefully he will see in time that I am now better than that and even if he does not I can't continue to make him see things in me or the situation if he is going to blinded by that you know.
      
      I should say I don't know if I love my ex anymore it is a hard question to answer whe someone has caused you this much pain but I am trying not to blame myself for mistakes that I have made cause all I can do now is live and learn from them and may be in time he will do the same.
      
      I am not going to get involved in him and this women relationship or whatever it is.  I don't care about her either you know for so many reasons.
      
      I should also say even the other day when he emailed me telling me I have  a letter at his flat I told him not to email me anymore for the pure and simple fact he has no reason to know I know about this women but he has no reason to email me whilst he is sleeping with her.  He can't have his cake and eat it to.
      
      I think I am slowly getting stronger and being a happier person but all of this is going to take time you know and lets hope I do have some power left that would definatly be a major advantage.
      
      I am so sorry for what happened in your marriage and I hope you are now ok and your pain has finally healed.
      
      Blessings back at you.

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         Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Sorry I did not see the messages above but firstly o just wanted to say he only has my tv, pictures and two wardrobes that he does not use or need and when we spoke about the furniture he Is more than happy to buy a new one.
         
         Secondly at the moment the only way I can see things Is that yes we are over but may be I am wrong to say this but I feel like what's the point In me picking up my things cause I just wanna handle things correctly now, as crazy as that might sound.
         
         To be honest I'm not thinking oh he might come back or not cause who knows but I do feel like after 8 years together If he feels Like I've changed then may be he will do and I'm not gonna pin my hopes on that but I'd like to think I've not waisted 8 years with the wrong guy.
         
         I have not had an argument with my ex for ages now even before we parted ways I did not allow arguments to happen towards the end.
         
         Who really knows what my ex is thinking but after me asking him so many times is it over.  Why would he not just say yes it is even If he was crying at the time. 
         
         Look as crazy as I might sound but he had already started sleeping with this girl 3 weeks before calling me In tears.  Surely If he really felt that much for her he would say it's over?? & even though the only way as I said before I can see it as I'm single now.
         
         What is going to collect my things gonna achieve for me.  Yup he might not ever talk to me again but may be that's a risk I should take instead of being petty????!
         
         May be I'm being silly to say this.  I dunno.  I guess I wanna be smArt and when I say that even If I did meet someone else tomo why do I need to talk to my Ex or get my things back unless it's gonna achieve anything you know??!

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            Tulips-smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Please feel free to tell me If you think I'm crazy for saying that I think I'm just gonna leave my furniture at the ex and see what happens.
            
            Even If he has not realised why I'm not bothering to pick it up from him either eventually he will realise this or not and I just feel like If I do need to talk to him I can always do it at a later date.
            
            But as crazy as I might sound I just feel like If I rush into doing anything silly he might never realise what he might of lost In me.
            
            Thanks for everyone help and advice means so, so much.

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