Messed up my relationship - but I'm 44 - am I mad or bad?
Dear Veronica -My question is similar to recent advice for Amanda & Marla. Except I am 44, never married and feel I have lost someone very special. I have a great job & a wonderful home & lifestyle. I am mostly very happy but want to share my life. I have had a wonderful relationship (having not been in one for years) but sadly I have blown it through sheer anxiety & i think panic. You see the guy I was seeing was only seperated & I could not get my head around this and pressured him to sort his affairs out with his estranged wife.He has cracked and ended it. Am I mad or bad?
Ok mad and bad, get this through your head. Do not see guys who are "separated" from their wives! If they aren't divorced, there's a reason. You don't want to be the side salad in anyone's life. You want to be the main course.
Blunt but I guess true. However, I suppose I would like to perhaps understand those reasons why some couples get part way to sorting things out and then seem to stay in a kind of limbo. They had been seperated 12 months before we met. There are many financial ties to finalise and they also run a business together ( although his wife only works a few hours a week). He is fortunate in one way that he has enough money to have his own place and does not need to sell the marital home to free up equity. In one way this seems lucky but on the otherhand perhaps its too convenient & easy,as most couples would need to get on and sort out the finances & property just so they can live seperately. Is it laziness or just a reluctance to accept its really over?
You deserve to be #1. Don't mess with a guy that has baggage, unless he has resolved everything before he meets you. As hard as it is to believe, especially when you have strong feelings for someone, there are hundreds of people you could meet who would be wonderful, make you happy and love you. You don't need to settle for less. Often, a guy who is separated is trying to play both sides. He wants the excitement of an affair, but doesn't want to give up the security of home and family. Since his marriage didn't work out, he may fear you and he won't work out, so he better hold on to what he has. . . At any rate he is weak and being very unfair to his wife and to you. You deserve better.
Thanks for asking me, Fishcake. I wrote you your very own Hub:
http://hubpages.com/hub/He-Was-Only-Sep … hip-Advice
I really hope you'll read it and let me know what you think.
xo
Veronica
You did what most of us only dream of being able to do . . . the right thing. He should get his affairs straight before entering into another relationship. Sadly and all too often, people fail to do that and wind up dragging someone else through their craziness and relationship messes. If your life is intact, keep it that way. If he ended it with you, then maybe he isn't ready to walk away from the other relationship just yet. If that is the case, you are lucky. Most of the time it isn't so cut and dried. Hang in there. He will either come back, or someone else will come along in due time. Don't risk your peaceful, happy life for someone confused and attached to someone else.
I don't think you're mad or bad, you just met someone who still has ties to another woman and it was too much for you to deal with, almost like you met him at the wrong time.
Are you kidding? He has no business seeing you while still being married. HE IS BAD, and at 44 you know better too.
Now, that said, get off your pity party, get out and meet some single men. Go to some clubs (not night clubs but like recreational clubs, hiking club, garden club - etc) get out of the house and get involved where you meet people. Soon you will meet someone who is single and probably pretty wonderful.
If you put your mind to it, you can meet someone in a short amount of time. Just be yourself and don't be shy. Be outgoing treat people like an old friend and before you know it... you're in love with someone worth dating.
You did not blow it with anxiety and pushing him to sort out his affairs. You blew it because you dated a married guy who was lying to you about the status of his marriage. When you pushed for more it became clear that you were a liability to the marriage he was still in - so to keep his wife from finding out he was "shtupping" you in between "shtupping" her - you had to go. He had the best of both worlds and you threatened that status with your pushing.
Stop dating married men, you got no business and neither do they and I don't care what he says about where the marriage is at because chances are good he is lying so he can get what he wants from you AND at home.
I am confident there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken and there are many men who will find you a wonderful person to be with - who are not married.
Now you go get you the man you want... many are wondering where you are - and Fishcake... keep your heart in your shirt until you find out if he is married.
- Best Wishes
- Harlan
by Xoxo77 10 years ago
Desperately need advice .I messed up my relationship of 8.5years with a loving guy.im 26, he's 27nowOur parents have bad marriages.his parents got divorced recently after 14yrs of horrible arguments.my dad had several affairs.We had a beautiful relationship.he was dedicated to me.All was well until...
by ngureco 6 years ago
Why Do Wives Get Mad With Husbands Watching Porn? How Does It Interfere With Marriage?
by Cat 11 years ago
What do you do when you realize you married a jerk?What do you do when you marry the "perfect" person and after the "new" wears off, you realize he/she is a jerk? Is it for better or worse or run for the door?
by Peeples 8 years ago
Is it fair to expect change from someone in marriage?We all know we aren't suppose to change people, but is it wrong to expect them to evolve into the relationship as much as you do? Everyone changes a little when they marry(or live together) simply because you are combining 2 personalities in one...
by Elizabeth1986 6 years ago
I'm married. I've a crush on a married man. How do I snuff the crush? I'm growing weaker by the day.
by kirutaye 13 years ago
A married person i know recently got back in touch with an old flame. She claims they are not having an affair but they are in touch regularly and she has spent a few nights away from home with him. She says she can talk to him easily and he understands her. But i can't help but think she is...
Copyright © 2024 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. HubPages® is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website.
Copyright © 2024 Maven Media Brands, LLC and respective owners.
As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy
Show DetailsNecessary | |
---|---|
HubPages Device ID | This is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons. |
Login | This is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service. |
Google Recaptcha | This is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy) |
Akismet | This is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Google Analytics | This is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Traffic Pixel | This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized. |
Amazon Web Services | This is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy) |
Cloudflare | This is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Hosted Libraries | Javascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy) |
Features | |
---|---|
Google Custom Search | This is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Maps | Some articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Charts | This is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy) |
Google AdSense Host API | This service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Google YouTube | Some articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Vimeo | Some articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Paypal | This is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Login | You can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Maven | This supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy) |
Marketing | |
---|---|
Google AdSense | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Google DoubleClick | Google provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Index Exchange | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Sovrn | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Ads | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Unified Ad Marketplace | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
AppNexus | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Openx | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Rubicon Project | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
TripleLift | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Say Media | We partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy) |
Remarketing Pixels | We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites. |
Conversion Tracking Pixels | We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service. |
Statistics | |
---|---|
Author Google Analytics | This is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy) |
Comscore | ComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Tracking Pixel | Some articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy) |
Clicksco | This is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy) |