How do I articulate my point without anger?

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   brittvan22posted 11 years ago

   How do I articulate my point without anger?
   
   To be quite honest, I'm pissed. I trusted my aunt who wanted to take my daughter, baby sister, and aunt for a minivaca. We had established expectations and boundaries.So, the day before they are to return, my sister is very upset. My aunt informs me that she and my other aunt have decided that my sister doesn't need a phone or a fb acct. (as if they run anything over here) Then, she is chastising my sister verbally for things my sister says she is not doing. I told my sister to tell her to talk to me the adult not her the child. My mom is deceased, so I feel very protective of them. Help!

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2. 60

   cupidsfeatherposted 11 years ago

   Well your trust should not be overcome by your Aunts directions and concerns which are more than not out of Love. You have every right however to point out  the understanding of a game plan of established expectations and boundries which you feel were somewhat violated by #1 The lack of inclusion #2 The lack of respect towards what has already been in place and agreed upon by you and your sister #3 The lack of communication to you of their concerns.  When this has settled in you open with clarity by saying...Aunties I can understand why you feel the way you feel; wWhat I don't get is how you went about communicating your feelings at the wrong time and place without discussion with me. Good Luck!

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      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      She took it to a sneaky low by trying to talk my sister out of going to Julliard, which my Mom, my sister and i decided before she died to go to her alma mater. Thanks i will definitely keep this in mind. Messing with our set college plans is bold.

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   SparrowMinistriesposted 11 years ago

   Can I suggest a book?  The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.  You'll never be the same!

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      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I will definitely look into that, thanks. I am a passionate person and when I feel disrespected and lied to I do not respond well. I'm still young, but I'm calm enough to let her know what she needs now, she is a bold person.

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      SparrowMinistriesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I hope you will, and let me know how it worked for you.  It teaches you a way to move differently in your relationships so that other people's "old moves" no longer work.  It's hard work at first, but worth it.

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      cat on a soapboxposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for recommending this book!  I can relate to brittvan's passion and struggle w/ calm articulation when defending a point of view.

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   shivanchirakkal10posted 11 years ago

   Dear brttvan,
   To attend family matters I do adopt two ways . 1. I respond immediately,with frank and open words. 2.If I feel so anger, I keep quite, if my answer is not that much necessary, or my interpretation is not so necessary I will keep quite. Many times this two steps helped me
   Things will be o k.Don't worry.

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      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, I took suggestion 2, she took it to another level when she tried to change my sister's established college plans that my mom, me and my sister discussed and decided. She will have to respect the boundaries or #1 and thats it.

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   Dr Billy Kiddposted 11 years ago

   Sounds like auntie has an authoritarian approach to making family decisions. She was the one who decided on the vacation. Now she says sister shouldn't have a fb account and should go to such and such a school.
   
   I think the first issue is protecting your child. Everything else is water under the bridge. You need to be with your child whenever auntie is present.
   
   As for your sister, I do not know her age, or if she is so young she has a guardian. But it always should be the student's choice of what school to go to when there is no  major monetary restrictions. Motivation is about double when you gert your school of choice.
   
   Remember also, auntie is doing the best she knows how. Her parents handed this kind of controlling family attitude to her, in all likelihood. This stuff is generational. This is why you have to protect your daughter.

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      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I'm responsible for all three now. They are my first priority. For my aunt, its not generational, she has learned that yelling and acting a fool gets her what she wants from childhood and she is a grown child with the same behavior.  Thanks for input

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