How would you deal with unexpected contact from an ex after a long period of no contact?
The relationship was an unhappy one and the breakup painful and angry. They say 'no hard feelings' but I still have hard feelings. I see three options, one just ignore it and hope the problem goes away, two send of an angry email stating that I still have hard feelings and don't care that they don't or three, try to play nice and write something with as little anger as possible stating my feelings as facts (not as an attack). I am cycling between wanting to do all three
tell him the truth, that you still have hard feelings..but If I am in your case, I will not communicate at all anymore, and then find really time and think of letting go completely of the memories, it is hard I know, hugs Kirsten
It has been years and I am now happily married and have been for 6 years. I do not want this contact. Hubby has said that I should do what I feel I need to do and that he is not worried or upset or anything, that he trusts me to deal with this in what ever way I feel is best. The last time there was unexpected contact like this (2-3 years ago I think) I am pretty sure I made it clear that I did not want any contact anymore
I was not happy in the relationship as I could not go out with friends with out him secretly following me (when it was possible) or calling every half hour. I was often told that if I ever left he would kill himself (odd, he is still alive). I could not even have a job as he couldn't stand for me to be away during the day, my life could not exist outside of him. I do not trust him to have any respect for me or my boundaries as he has never show any respect outside of what will get him what he wants and when it fails anger and nastiness.
"My lawyer has advized me to control my anger and reply to you in a courteous manner, stating my feelings as succinctly as possible"
If that doesn't work, option 2
I had to take a break from Hubpages to actually do some work(!), ;( , but this topic caught my eye (guess we've all been there(?)).
Was it by email? You didn't say... Don't send an email back. They sometimes say that there are three answers to a situation: yes, no, and wait... and wait is often the right one.
Give it a while before you do anything. As you know I am sure the mind takes a while to process contact with an ex. So wait it out a bit.
Just my thoughts
I would have sex with this person as soon as possible, then try to sort out the feelings. That's how I roll.
I have been here. Let your ex know in no uncertain terms that you want nothing to do with him; you don't want to hear how he's doing, don't want to know how the years have changed him, blah, blah, blah. You have the right to tell him you don't care! You have no obligation to be nice, although I would avoid starting a round of angry communication back and forth--you don't need that. Let him know how you feel and (as long as there is no legitimate business left between you) let it be the last thing you say.
If he continues to pester you: There are laws against harassment. Do not hesitate to make police reports or call your phone company (if he harasses you by phone).
The easiest way to deal with them is to be honest with them and to tell them they no longer matter, as a part of your life and can move on with their own life without you. In short, tell them to get lost.
Honesty is probably the best idea, honest about anger and mistrust in simple terms. I do think that just ignoring this might just leave the door open to another unexpected contact in a year or two. If I thought ignoring all attempts at contact would stop them for good I would go down that rout but I think it would just leave the possibility that if he tries again in a year or two I might respond differently, ya know. What I would like is to say what I need to say in a way that is objective and not full of anger or hurtful, just the facts so to speak. I don't want to say this in a hurtful way as I try to live my life in such a way as to not hurt people as that is a value of mine. I think I may just be ready in a day or two to come up with something that does not cause me to feel I have compromised my values but will have the results I want.
You cannot do anything about whether or not the truth hurts another person. The truth of the matter is the truth. It doesn't matter how you dress it up. Either way, the problem needs to be addressed, handled, take care of, gotten rid of, so you can honestly move on and no other contact will come in the future, unless it is out of honesty. This will be determined by you, because once you tell him how you feel and that you would rather he didn't contact you from further on, then he will get the message. Should he contact you in the future, after another year or two, his intentions are most likely to be honest, because he wouldn't be stupid enough to try otherwise. Trust when I say this, because the individual person is not stupid ever.
But, I can understand where you are coming from. I'm pretty sure some of my ex's wouldn't want me contacting them now, either, and it's been more than a few years since I've talked to any of them.
Cags you are rather wise you know that?
I needed to be reminded that I cannot be responsible for the truth being painful to another person. Truth is truth, sometimes it hurts but only because we allow it to. Truth is different from anger or rudeness, if it hurts that is not anyone else's fault.
Thank you for letting me bounce this stuff off of you (and the other great hubbers here too!)
Anytime. If I can help, I'm obliged to do so.
Aww...wow! Chivalry DOES live.
I had a crap ex like this before, if your happily married, tell them to get lost, he didnt care when he was hurting you..he made his choice back then
Just ignore the idiot. That's probably gonna send him the clear message that you have no intention of communicating with him, plus it's gonna hurt his feeling a bit, as ignoring and feeling nothing is even worst than anger or having some emotion.
If he keeps pestering you just tell him that you do not have any interest of communicating with him and politely wish him all the best.
I received just that...found out from others that the father of my children had cancer, stage 4. After over 6 years of divorce, and no contact with the kids, yes, it was a difficult decision. To that point, there were no phone calls, no birthday cards for the kids, etc.
I made the choice, to allow and take my kids, of whom I have sole and legal custody of, out to another state, to give them the opportunity to speak and see their father.
That was not an easy choice, considering my ex's past. But I felt that as long as I was there in person, every second, my kids at least deserved the opportunity to see their father.No matter how hard, I had to set my personal feelings aside, knowing that my kids would need this, want this.
Change in a person is hard. Since then, my ex has tried to rekindle a relationship with our kids. Do I personally trust him? Absolutely not, but he has shown effort to try and make a new relationship with our kids. I am glad he is at least trying, as it means the world to them.
It really depends on your personal situation, and do what you ultimately feel is right.
I wish you the best,
Sadly, a relationship typically terminates for one person or the other - but rarely at the same time for both. The other can go on for years thinking there is a chance to go back to 'what was', never realizing it 'no longer is' for the other person and never will be again.
Relationships always end because some substance is lacking to hold it together or because one person is aggressive with the other. Either way, a second go rarely, if ever, fixes what was broken the first time.
I'd recommend that your ex go with a dating service and get a fresh start with someone else. This might give the final message that A) you are no longer interested and B) it is time for them to move on.
I hope it all works out ...
I think it would probably be nice to just let him know you're not interested in a polite way. He may have feelings too.
wait a day or two until some of the dust settles, then write how you feel.
been there....done that. For your own sake, try to let go of the hard feelings, as much as possble.
I would simply not respond to him, at all, for now. Wait till your sure of what you want to say. Will it make you feel better? How about in the future, will you regret what you said? Will it give you closure, peace of mind? If what you want to say will ultimately hurt you, dont say it.
Ignore it now. And see what are your feelings in a couple of days.
Ahhh there is the serious response
I did ignore it last night when it came in, didn't work to well couldn't get to sleep as my mind disobeyed me! and circled the issue until I decided to start randomly counting to block it so I could sleep. Sucks when your mind refuses orders
I would definitely go with option one to start with. You might even want to consider blocking him from your email account/mobile phone, if you haven't already done that. He sounds like a totally unreasonable person - the sort who would interpret any contact from you, no matter how unfriendly, as an invitation.
Guess how he made contact? I bet you can't
I can say it has totally blind sided me
You weren't supposed to be able to guess that fast!
Sorry, I'm a good guesser. (Intuition, my dear Watson.)
OMG, how scary is that?
It's not exactly fun
I wouldn't mind as much if he wrote a few hubs! Would be a change, finally trying to actually earn something for himself instead of manipulating for it
Sad thing is he was/is intelligent, if he did want to hub he could do some good techie ones and good ones of video games and probably make a few bucks and not have to live off the state *sigh*
I hate seeing a good mind wasted, mine is just average and I have to work hard to become an expert in any area, to see someone with a good mind that can suck up information about say programing and web building (for instance) but the body does nothing with it, its sad
A raccoon's mind is never average
Wise words as a raccoon has sharp teeth
I work hard to learn new stuff and not become mentally lazy, working hard can always pay off
are you sure it's him and not someone prankin' you?
I wish that was possible but I cannot imagine who knows me know that knows his usual profile name and who would also know we were together once, it's not just HP that I got contacted through but my messenger too, and you guys don't know my messenger id's (tho I have thought that might be a fun option with some of the fun hubbers here)
All right breaking my ban again for a friend. Kristen...if I were you, wait a few days, write out how you feel, let out all of the anger you still hold, let it all out, curse and cry and growl at the paper as you write it all out. Then once you are done, take a deep breath and throw it into the fireplace with your husband next to you and burn it! Then contact the ex now that your anger is out and tell him that you are happily married, that you are 100% over him, and that you DON'T want him in your life.
Awww thank you CW, you are a real sweetie pie! Miss you on the forums by the way but I think I understand your self imposed ban, if I had the self control to I might ban myself Get some work done
So far I have taken the don't do anything rash strategy and just let the surprise of it all fade a bit. Thing is I don't hate him and don't want to hurt him but am angry at the intrusion into my life and it's kinda mixed feeling thing. The messages were nice enough and on the surface show no sign of inappropriate intent, but I don't trust it based on past experiences. It would be nice to think that he has really gotten himself sorted out a bit more then he was and can respect my life as it is now. I guess this is why I have mixed feelings.
My hubby has an ex girlfriend that he is in contact with from time to time, not much just the occasional hows it going, you doing ok kinda thing. I have even chatted with her and know that its just not a big deal, they care about each other and nothing more. He drove her up the wall actually but she is glad he found someone So I know it is possible for past relationships to not be an issue, just a wanting good things for the other person kinda thing. I guess I am trying to talk myself out of being angry here! *sigh* I just don't know
((((CW...come back soon...we all miss you so!!!!!)))
Aaa mow thanks I'll think about it sweety... *hugs*
we surely miss you CW
Oh, quit scratching at the glass and get in here! This is as much your house as anyone else's and we miss ya!
lol oh you can hear me scratching huh? shoot! okay okay I guess I'll stay...
Ok dinner can wait while I say, glad to have you back love! Just don't bother to much with those darn religious forums cause they can make the sanest person insane! Funny how the folks that were here to offer support are not the bible thumpers......
Mild mannered believers and atheists, no one who has gotten all high and mighty about their religion in those other forums.... Just sayin is all
wait...that would mean I would have to be sane to begin with...dang it! I thought I was doing quite well showing off how INSANE I really am. I guess I have to start all over or try harder with the newbies and scare them
And yea no worries won't venture in there unless there is something funny like the zombies one
Yeah that zombie one made me laugh
I am not convinced you are crazy tho, sorry to say I guess you will have to try harder
Good ... Then I can put away the fire ants and the sheep poo ... though I must admit I was interested in seeing what effect they might have on your decision to stay absent - from a purely scientific view I assure you.
Good ... Then I can put away the fire ants and the sheep poo ... though I must admit I was interested in seeing what effect they might have on your decision to stay absent - from a purely scientific view I assure you. smile
That's what I was replying to, but senility made me hit reply instead of quote ... Oh, yeah, this oldtimer's disease is kickin' in strong with me today!
haha i like some of these posts...Ron Montgomery....
but im sure we all run into this problem some time or another
yes, but I am the only one with a logical solution.
you guys are silly
Like i said Kristen get a thick stack of paper and just let it all out. write it all out until you are exhausted and don't feel angry anymore. Helps me...that is why I have journals that I fill up. I don't burn it but if there is something really bugging me then I write a letter. Once I am done with the letter and I feel better, I shred it.
This is actually a bit like journaling but with more inter activity . At the end I will do what I feel is right but bouncing thoughts and feelings off you crazy folks feels like it's speeding up the exploring all my feelings process
The one good point I didn't mention, we are not on the same continent let alone the same country *whew*
It does help
Distance makes it a bit easier to think about it all knowing it cannot turn into anything more then net contact. Now if I could figure out how to say in nice and kind words, Leave me the F*ck alone! hrmmmm
ask if he can take a hint and then dont respond anymore
Maybe a guy who goes by the handle "creepy" should avoid giving advice.
Perhaps...but I thought it wasn't bad...and kinda funny too.
hmmm a nice way to say it? 'It was nice to hear from you but don't make it a habit. I have a wonderful married life and don't want you in it."
you got me grinning, clever girl!
hehehe glad I could make you grin. Had to tell an ex who lives in Cali that I wanted nothing more to do with him after he contacted me via FB wanting to be friends and talk. He had cheated on me and I just did not want anything to do with him so I told him that and it worked
You know I might not have denied him if he had tried FB! I don't have followers there as I only signed up there because you can post hubs there After like 4 months I decided to log in to see if I had any random followers and had none!
I am just not a face book person, I do have a myspace account with real friends but I hardly have time for it hehe
As easy as it might be to ignore this guy, kirstin, obviously your mind is worrying the problem. Tell this guy in no uncertain terms how you feel; you don't have to be rude or mean to be stern. This guy has no place in your life, and I think you will feel a lot better when you let him know that.
I agree, I don't think I will feel right until I say what needs to be said to get the past back in the past. It's the trying not to be rude part that I am working out here, you guys are great help for worrying my way through the problem so to speak.
lol I have 2 FB accoutns, one for my friends and new friends the other for my author friends, writier, friends, ppl I met from the conference.
and i have a myspace account...I never go on there anymore lmao
I think x's are x's for a reason and need to just stay away. All my exes live in....
I might have a hub in this situation once I have dealt with it in a satisfying way, personally speaking.....
By the way it's pretty cool to see how many hubbers I can really call friends even if it is over the net There are a number of awesome people for me to really count as friends on this thread
There are some really top notch people on this site, CrazedWriter and Cagsil are two I could mention off the top of my head, EmperessFalicity as well, goodness I could go on and on actually Is it something to do with being a writer I wonder?
I am who I am and have been most of my life, even before I began to write.
lol nothing to with being a writer. I am the way I am thanks to my parents raising me this way I love helping people.
Well I have made one solid decision, to start some dinner and eat cause it's bloody cold here!
Further decisions shall wait until tomorrow and I have a good idea how that will work out too. You guys have been great to talk this through with
Feel free to continue discussing without me I need to eat and chill out for a bit, maybe just check my amazon sales again Oh yeah I had some great news this morning, 4 sales! I really do think I am getting the hang of this amazon affiliate thing
Ok Ok I really am gone now to eat dinner
Do you know how to tell the difference between a sane person and a crazy person?
A crazy person cannot tell you they are crazy, because they don't know the difference, their individual perception is gone and the right-side of their brain is in control of all thoughts, actions and emotions, without any form of assistance from the left-side, which deals in rationale, meaning/reasoning and sane thought creation.
I hope I helped you learn something new.
But, a sane person cannot tell you why they are sane either.
Actually, they can, but it is really subjective and bias based on their view of life.
Without being objective, the assertion of sanity is merely conjectural.
Only playing devil's advocate here, because I DO see what you're saying...but I've seen some *real* nut jobs be able to do a pretty fair assessment of why *they* think they are sane (since you mentioned being really subjective and based on a biased view of life)...and sometimes this actually includes things like being able to hold a job and interact with people.
It's actually kind of scary the subtle forms of insanity that exist *shiver* blech.
Kirstenblog - to quote your own profile - "Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours." Good advice from Cagsil and Crazd. Don't go insane dwelling on it. Get it out, move on and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck.
What difference would it make? But, Yes, I've studied psychology, philosophy, ancient history, world history, religion, the mind( in depth work on the workings) and more.
So, I am not sure if that helps you understand.
Actually, I was trying to build a foundation of similarity in which to further the discussion. With what you said, I can go on. I have the pleasure of one lifetime acquaintance, whom, by all definition of the meaning, is sane, but has been diagnosed as insane. He is highly functioning, reasonable, extremely intelligent, and quite harmless...yet insane. Where do you draw the line in defining such? I'm not knocking your way of reasoning, merely pointing out a very razor-thin edge of labelling rational cognizance.
Well, believe it or not, if you look at some of the insane people and compare them to that of an autistic child, their awareness of things around them is much more. An autistic child isn't crazy, but too young to interpret all the information being received by their brain.
An insane person can be categorized as insane, but only when others determine it. It cannot be figured out without some form of methodology. There is a reason for why things happen, which means that there needs to be a formula for figuring out why people snap or break from rationalized sane thoughts.
Yes, there is a fine line and the 'church' over the years has relished in the fact that it has undermined the true insight of philosophy and psychology. We must learn more about our brain and it's functions, and usually the only way to do that it build reasoning skills for objective explanation for why it happens.
I'm not sure if that helped. But, I am free writing, simply typing what is in mind and not reviewing.
Ah, the Science versus Church debate; strange that a large segment of the population still falls under the sway of the Church, but hey, to each his/her own.
I was just reading Glass Spider's response; that was the angle I was slowly building up to, Cags.
I would avoid the angry response. Since it's been a long time, I would probably ignore the ex. However, if you might run into your ex in the near future or he keeps contacting you, I'd go with the honest yet diplomatic explanation. In my case, I'd probably keep it short and say it nicely, "I appreciate that you want to be friends, but I don't feel the same way."
Oops, just read the "stalker" issue. Skip the nice part. Either ignore or be direct "I do not want you to contact me in anyway". Preferably, say it in writing, so you have a record of it.
I am relaxed already. I just don't like leaving people who I respect, high and dry, when they are talking to me. I don't do it public and I don't do it within the confines of my own family. I try to always respond, and sometimes, my responses are overwhelming to some people, therefore taken as an attack of their individual person.
I have no problems with you either and I don't personally have a hit list of people I will pounce on. However, that doesn't mean, I won't defend someone who is being attack, if only to get that person to direct their attention to me, because regardless of how harsh they get, they are only someone who is clueless about life and will prove, thru their actions.
An incredible philosophy that I share with you.
Forums are about exchanging ideas and viewpoints and (for me, at least) learning many new things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. That's why I grab hold of people (like CW) when I see them considering walking away as I think it's a mistake to leave unless your heart is truly into the decision.
The problem occurs when a person states they are leaving and then has regrets, as they feel coming back is then some dark personal betrayal. To that, I say hogwash! We all say things at the heat of the moment we shouldn't (my book of them comes out next spring) and I try to bibble those people into coming back and staying where I can. Especially CW, as her comedy has helped me through many a dark day - good peeps like that you tie to the keyboard and hold hostage for sure - haha!
As for us, Cags, I believe the forum is stuck with us until it falls into some endless blackhole! doh!
I believe it's always best to wait before being impulsive. It's very important to get closure. You obviously never got it, and I relate to that. You're happily married & have a new life. If he's been manipulative in the past, he probablly hasn't changed. I'm for holding off until your thinking is level, then reply with a short, to the point message stating your feelings. At the end I would say "do not contact me again" to make it plain you want no part of him in the future, other than to use his picture as a dart board. In the book "How To Survive The Loss Of A Love", (which in this case it was loss of a tyrant) there is a section concerning this very thing. On page 6 of this book, it's stated that when in a "limbo loss" to "call or send in your formal notice of termination and get on with the business of surviving, healing and growing". Of course, you already HAVE gone on with your life, but when there appears to be 'loose ends', it's always better to get the sense of finality. I hope I'm not off base here, but I know exactly how you feel. I had a relationship 15 yrs ago that left me feeling like I had crap rubbed in my face. though I gave him the "official letter of resignation", I never actually got the closure I needed. Now that I'm well and years have passed, I would love to be able to tie up that loose end and just tell the guy I forgive him, even though it may not FEEL like it at the time, I must PROFESS it in order to release it. If you feel led, I have an article about closure, entitled simply 'Closure'. Hope this wasn't too lengthy.
Is there maybe some short book/manual for people that do their own thing in life and don't really follow the instructions from page 6?
this may sound strange, but I honestly would send back a super polite, slightly cold message not revealing any feelings at all.
Say Hi, I'm fine. Please dont contact me again. Bye.
But maybe I'm just too cruel...
I don't think that's cruel at all..in fact, it's quite blunt. It certainly doesn'tleave any open doors, for sure.
Exactly, ignoring people and showing zero emotion toward them can hurt them more than showing anger toward them.
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