If a person with a terminal illness gives their spouse permission to date, would

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   Claudia47posted 11 years ago

   If a person with a terminal illness gives their spouse permission to date, would you
   date them?
   
   This situation was actually  presented to me.  A man I'd just met told me he was married and his wife had been dying for years from a degenerative disease.  She loved him so much she wanted him to begin to "find somebody" before she died. (He also said his grown children were on board with the idea.)  Would you date him? (or her, if reversed)

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   Mom Katposted 11 years ago

   No.  I would be turned off by the idea that this man is willing to leave the woman he married hanging on her death bed & KNOWING that he was being intimate with someone else!  I don't care how much she says she is alright with it. 
   A good man, a faithful, loyal, honorable man would never consider the idea!
   Any man who would is not the kind I would want to have a relationship with...
   What if I got sick, would he go out and find someone to replace me too?
   NOT a good fear to start off the relationship with.
   Plus, what's he going to do, introduce me to his dying wife?  "Hey honey, here's your replacement.  What do you think of her?" ..... Awkward!

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your thoughts.  Excellent points all.

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   Jesse Mugnierposted 11 years ago

   This is a very interesting question.
   I think I agree with Mom Kat...somewhat.
   I feel like he should be at home savoring the time he has left with his wife. If he is  trying find someone new before she has even passed, it shows two things:
   1.) he does not love her as much as he claims
   2.) he is afraid of being alone, which means, he would probably go out with anyone, and cling to them.
   Like Mom Kat said, What if something should God-forbid happen to you and you were diagnosed with a life threatening illness?
   
   I personally feel like you should hold yourself higher. Not to sound harsh, but he has baggage as it is, he is going through a lot, and that's a lot for another person to take on.
   What will happen when she passes? What if she doesn't pass for years? Will you move in and all live as one happy family?
   
   It's a beautiful thing she is trying to do for her husband, but they both want the same thing, someone to take care of him while she is gone.
   HE should be trying to take care of HER why she is still here.
   
   I wish you the best of luck with your decision, whatever you choose, just make sure you are happy.

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your answer - very thoughtful and caring point of view.  By the way, this situation happened a while ago and I made my decision then.  I chose not to post the results here, just so I didn't affect the answers.

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   proudmammaposted 11 years ago

   Not in a million years!!!!! My husband passed away in February. He had health issues for many years, and even though I knew I would lose him. I never once considered being unfaithful to him. I loved him dearly. For the last couple of years, I was more of a caregiver. I worked, took care of him and spent time with him and made time for family.

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      My condolences on your husband's passing.  I think your point of view is a loving, humane one - sad to think there are people who would think of themselves first in a case like that.

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   duffsmomposted 11 years ago

   First, I'm not sure I would believe him as that is a very convenient excuse for infidelity.
   
   Whatever the reason, his loyalty should be to the one he is married to.  And I couldn't respect a man who would find outside comfort when he is married to a dying woman.  So no, I wouldn't do it.  And although I am pretty reserved, I might give him a piece of my mind as well.

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for that insight.  I never even considered that somone could have made up this excuse, but of course, you're right.  (I have to wonder how many women would also give this guy a piece of their mind?  Wouldn't be pretty, I imagine.)

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      fpherj48posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Does the name John Edwards ring a bell?

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   Glosheiposted 11 years ago

   The answer is easy No, how could anyone possibly start dating again when their other half is terminally ill it just goes against all we promised when getting married.
   He or she could be just saying that one to get sympathy and two an excuse for having an affair.
   Good question which makes you think how many are actually doing it? Thanks Claudia47

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your insights.  I'd actually never thought about someone doing this for sympathy...this question is turning into a learning experience.

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   stricktlydatingposted 11 years ago

   I'm also going to say "No!".  It sounds like he's telling stories... "Dying for a few years" and maybe living for a few more too.  Sorry it's just wrong!  But keep dating and you're sure to find a much more uncomplicated person

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your input.  I would think almost anyone would be less complicated than this man - or at least less bizarre.

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   TIMETRAVELER2posted 11 years ago

   Here's a true story.  A married wife and mother, age 42, was shot.  As a result, she was paralyzed from the neck down and was told her condition would never improve.  she lived full time in a nursing home.
   
   Her husband and young children visited her daily, all the while being loving and supportive.
   
   At the same time, the nurse who tended to her was also very kind.
   
   The husband and the nurse fell in love, and they approached the wife with their predicament. 
   
   The wife divorced her husband so that he could have a "normal" wife who would also be a great mother to her kids.
   
   The end result was that ALL of them wound up caring lovingly for the wife until her death, which occurred many years later.
   
   End of story.

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks.  Very interesting.  It's amazing how differently we can all view the same issue.

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   fpherj48posted 11 years ago

   No...no..a thousand times, NO.   This entire concept leaves me stone cold. 
   1. With a terminally ill spouse, for whatever length of time, a man or woman should have enough consideration and respect for him/her to simply be caring, supportive and loyal....not go out hunting for the "next one."  What a horrid thought!
   2.  If they are in that much of a hurry to enter into another relationship......that they begin the search before their spouse has died....what in the heck is the motive/reason for this?   Really...think about it.  Why the big rush to be attached to someone while you are still "attached"...or should be!  What is it you want or need?    (Get it elsewhere, thank you!!)
   3.  What does this say about that person?   It matters not to me that the ill spouse has given their blessing...nor that the kids have too.   Please, I'm being turned off more, by the second.
   4. There cannot possibly be such a shortage of truly available people that one would date a person with a dying spouse.  I can't even imagine what you would talk about, where you would go and how a relationship could blossom.
   Bottom line?   You asked if I would date him.  My answer should be blatantly apparent.     I feel like I need a bath just talking about this..

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      Claudia47posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks.  Great answer.

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