What are the forms of control in marriage?

1. 89

   Astralroseposted 11 years ago

   What are the forms of control in marriage?
   
   Marriage is a form of control, if couples let it that way. But what are the circumstances in your married life that made you think and feel you are being controlled by your partner?
   
   One I can think of is when your partner nags about your time spent with your friends.
   
   What else?

   replyreport
2. 61

   Alaina Smith Cainposted 11 years ago

   Nagging, guilt-trips, yelling, throwing fits, name-calling, making threats, telling on you, dismissing your words and thoughts, breaking things, knocking over furniture. Basically anyone acting like the Hulk on estrogen.

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Ahh, those are the worse. Resorting to crying (mostly among women) whenever a fault or mistake or misbehavior is pointed out is I think another form of control.

      replyreport
3. 72

   lburmasterposted 11 years ago

   One way that both me and my husband use is the control of options. When we want something or are trying to choose a place to eat, you only give two options and do not deviate from them. "Where wouldyou like to go? Chilis or Chinese?" Chances are, he will pick Chinese because it's our favorite. That's our most common one.
   Besides, we never nag each other about friends. His friends sleep over at times on the pull out couch and I talk to them about their limits, not him. My friends? He rarely see's my friends because that is my escape time.

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      What if you want to try a different restaurant this time and your partner sticks to the old one and he/she has a preconception that it's not a good one? What to do?

      replyreport
   2. 72

      lburmasterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Oh new restaurants are easy to talk him into. He loves trying new places to eat. But most restaurants, he already knows about. If I really want to try a new place that he doesn't like, I get a female friend and go on a girls night out.

      replyreport
4. 68

   Admiral Murrahposted 11 years ago

   A review of the many types of control games used in marriages and where they come from read more

   replyreport
5. 60

   duffsmomposted 11 years ago

   I don't have those issues. Neither my husband nor I try to control each other. We are partners and have each other's best interest at heart.
   
   I guess after 43 years of marriage, I don't see marriage as a form of control but more a foundation for growth, intimacy and partnership. If I know nothing else in this life, I know my husband has my back...he supports me in all things.
   
   We don't nag each other. If one is doing something we don't like, we just talk it out.  I think communication is the key to avoid any control issues.  Neither partner should be a doormat.

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      What you said is true! Marriage is never a control if you see it, make it as partnership. And yes, communication is very important in any relationships, which, of course needs open-mindedness!

      replyreport
6. 60

   yssubramanyamposted 11 years ago

   marriage do not control, it is a ever green relation ship which needs understanding and adjustment between couple.

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Like I said, marriage need not be a form of control if you don't let it happen like that but as far as I can observe and witness marriage has become and still is a form of control among many couples! You know,not letting you do what you want to do!

      replyreport
7. 80

   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   Feeling "controlled" or "manipulated" is when you find yourself doing something against your nature in order to keep the peace. I've seen friendly women become less friendly when dating a jealous man. In other instances people are being controlled when they defer to their mate on all or most decisions for fear of upsetting them.
   Controlling people will berate their spouses, give them the silent treatment, withhold affection or sex, or keep pressing until they get their way. Rarely do they if ever admit they were in the wrong.
   "The person with the least amount of interest in a relationship controls it." These people seek out mates who will love them more than they are willing to love in return. In fact if their mates asked them do many of things they require of them they'd walk away from the relationship!

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      God point, there, dashingscorpio! No one should be doing against what you are unless it's for the better. It's like asking your partner to quit smoking (although he likes it) because of health yet there you are sitting all day without doing anything!

      replyreport
8. 68

   Lady Guinevereposted 11 years ago

   You bet there is control in a marriage. Intimacy Anorexics will put their spouse in what is called a “bad box” making it difficult for the spouse to talk to others about it. Most people do not even know what it is and will say things like they would do without sex if they couldn’t or their spouse didn’t want to. This isn’t what an Intimacy Anorexic is. I have had many tell me that I don’t have a clean enough house or that I don’t fix him lunches or some other “HOOP” that I didn’t go through and that isn’t it either. There are terms that I have learned through this counseling….Bait and Switch, Good and Bad Boxes, Crazy-making, Starve the Dog, Block/Punch and the like.  I wrote about it and have the signs and what my story is.
   http://wizzley.com/intimacy-anorexia-is … ges-apart/

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I read that article and I feel sad. I mean, some people would not just believe until they see a clear evidence and not until you yourself are broken! And indeed, admitting (from both side)that there is a problem is the first step to solve the problem

      replyreport
9. 56

   MissJamieDposted 11 years ago

   I was in a controlling marriage for 15 years. He told me who I could and could not talk to, including my family, he told me what I could and could not wear and how to do my hair, he didn't allow me to use our vehicles to do anything fun, he was the only one that worked so he acted as though he controlled every single thing. I wasn't allowed to take our kids places alone, he had to be there. He would count miles on the vehicles to make sure I didn't go anywhere without asking. If anyone came to visit me while he was at work, I heard about it for years. In fact he still complains, over 15 years later, about the fact that after our daughter was born I went to the bar once with my mother. He called me names constantly, called everyone I knew names and hated them. Now that we're apart, he's friends with half of those people, he's even slept with a couple of the friends he screamed at and made leave our house when they came to visit me in the past. I could go on and on. He controlled all the money. I never knew for sure what he made for wages and I never saw our bills or knew anything about our budget. If I ever needed anything, we never had the money for it, but he always had what he wanted. Only twice in all of those years did he buy me anything brand new or buy me something just to be nice. One time it was pregnancy underwear and the other was a swimsuit when we were separated and he was trying to get me back. So, be very careful. You don't deserve to be controlled.

   replyreport
   1. 89

      Astralroseposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Oh my, such a sad marriage story. It's amazing you even lasted for 15 years, that too, with a kid. Nothing like that should happen. No one should be allowed to be treated that way. No one has the right to control just because you are married!

      replyreport