Are you still friends with your ex-spouse?

1. 84

   Laura Schneiderposted 10 years ago

   Are you still friends with your ex-spouse?
   
   If so, are you just friends "because of the kids" or are you truly friends? Do you still see the value in the other person? Do you entertain together or attend social activities together?
   
   If you are still friends, do you think this is healthy or unhealthy (and why)?

   replyreport
2. 79

   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   No. We had no kids and there was no point in staying in contact. We've both remarried and have not seen each other since our divorce in the mid 90s.
   As for people who remain friends with exes whether they have children or not I don't believe there really is a "right" or "wrong". We're all entitled to (choose our own) friends, lovers, and spouse.
   The biggest issue usually arises when their new "significant others" or "spouses" don't like it. They too are entitled to like or dislike whatever their mate does. However instead of one person trying to convince the other to (change) their mind they'd be better off finding other people who (naturally agree) with them. This is not a case of right or wrong but rather (agree or disagree).
   If it's a "deal breaker" then move on!
   You have to be able to love and accept people for who they (are) with whatever "perceived baggage" they may bring with them.
   There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: we either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.
   One man's opinion! :-)

   replyreport
   1. 84

      Laura Schneiderposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Insightful answer! Thanks, dashingscorpio! I agree with everything you've said, especially about new sign. others' reactions.

      replyreport
3. 90

   jellygatorposted 10 years ago

   We decided to stay friendly because of the kids, who are now all grown. We split 20+ years ago. Over the years, we've had ups and downs. We still care about each other in a distant way, but are no longer friends. When the kids were younger, we stayed in each others' homes at holidays and enjoyed time with the ex and new partners, and it was generally a nice time. He still considers me a friend, but I wrote him off after learning he told my kids I'd never paid child support when I paid for years - even though I wasn't required to.

   replyreport
   1. 84

      Laura Schneiderposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Ouch--that's a big and totally unnecessary and flat-out mean lie on his part. Good riddance! Thanks for commenting, jellygator!

      replyreport
4. 67

   BuffaloGal1960posted 10 years ago

   I don't like my ex because he is not a good influence on my child.  I could never be friends with him because he cheated and I don't have any respect for him.  I forgave him for the cheating but will never forgive him for being a deadbeat nonparent.

   replyreport
   1. 84

      Laura Schneiderposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Very reasonable, BuffaloGal1960!!

      replyreport
5. 74

   CraftytotheCoreposted 10 years ago

   This is a really good question.   I wouldn't consider us "friends". We know very little about each other's lives.  I'm re-married now to a wonderful man. My ex stayed single.  I see value in him as a person because he is a genius.  He is an inventor.  He has won many awards.  Plus, he is my children's father.  So I feel like I would be doing a disfavor to them by finding reasons to dislike their dad. 
   
   When the children have birthdays and other holiday celebrations, we have our separate activities.  We do not entertain together.  If the schools have functions, he might attend one and I'll attend the next, but never together.
   
   The one thing that transitioned us after the divorce to become agreeable with one another are some medical issues that arose, for both of us and my son.  It was necessary that we work things out mutually.  When my son was first diagnosed with Autism, my ex wouldn't accept it.  It was a trying time.  I was the one who did all of the navigating through the system.  Finally, when my son started doing better, my ex realized he was in denial.  Now we work most things out, with the occasional disagreement.  But we never fight in front of the children.  And I do not talk badly about him in front of them.  They love him because he is their dad.  I want them to have a happy childhood and grow up feeling loved by both of us.

   replyreport
   1. 84

      Laura Schneiderposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, great  answer and great reasonings! Sorry for your troubles, though.
      
      It is similar with my divorced parents: my mother hates my father (also a crazy genius-type) but she never said a word against him and advocates good relationships with him.

      replyreport