If your father has closed the door to a relationship with you, do you accept it

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   KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years ago

   If your father has closed the door to a relationship with you, do you accept it or try to change it?
   
   My former husband who is in his 60s and remarried for many years wrote our daughter a letter that says too much has gone on to change the past; that he has grieved the loss of their relationship and has come to accept the loss; that he cherishes the memory of her as a child; and that the daughter should "let it go".  I  will  talk to  my counselor, but I'd like to know your opinion.  I worry that this type of final rejection will be of great harm to her. I'm wondering if she should  fight for the relationship or at least gain power back by writing to him. Pain to see her in so much pain.

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   Sri Tposted 10 years ago

   I can. There is no point in seeking love where it is not. I have learned not to cling to anybody. I let those who want to be with me come and enjoy, and those who don't can go. No problem. It may take time at first to reach that understanding but it is worth it. Why chase after someone who doesn't want to know you? There are many books on the subject of letting go. Letting go is freedom from pain and misery. It is one of the best ways to remain at peace. I let go of my father when I was 18. It was his request and I never looked back once.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Sri T, thank yo so much for your insight - truly valid points.

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      Foodeeeposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I agree letting go is freedom but there needs to be closure not just a break of ties. Especially between a father and daughter. That relationship was created at infancy. If there is a break it needs to be done properly for the girls sake.

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      Dave36posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      What Sri T says is 100% correct, & I've been that way for months now..It took me nearly 8 months practice/training, as my mind gradually shifted to a new better understanding..Best thing i ever learn't, & once learn't it becomes you.

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   Foodeeeposted 10 years ago

   I was in the a very similar situation with my father.
   He was a very hard cruel man. And after college I left home and after a fight and never really talked to him again for 12 years. OK, I didn't talk to him at all for 12 years.
   
   I often thought about it but then considered too much time had gone by and it wouldn't work.  Then more time went by and I thought this is impossible I can't speak to him its way too long. Every excuse in the book went through my head. "He can come see me if he wants.--- I didn't do anything wrong. --- He was so mean to me as a kid he's not worth it."
   My son was now 5 years old and had never seen his Grandfather and I felt guilty about it when he asked questions. I felt how could this ever happen between myself and my son. I would never let that happen.
   
   In a bit of mustered bravery. He was a feeble old man by then and I was an adult but I was still afraid of him. Afraid of what was.
   
   The next day I took my son along with my brother for moral support and went to visit my dad. We didn't need apologies. We just hugged and talked and he even played with my little boy. The fear was gone and I felt what was I worried about. I was actually acting like an adult.  He was so much older than I remembered and frail, almost helpless. We made plans to visit again in a few weeks. Less than a week later he died. Was he waiting for me to settle our past? Was it divine intervention? I am so grateful that my relationship didn't go to the grave like it could have. I know what ever happens with my two boys it will never end in regret.
   
   Express to your daughter she may have to become the adult and repair what can be repaired. Your ex for all his words on paper may not be as convinced when faced in person. Implore her to try no matter what the cost.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Foodee,Thank you so much for this touching story and I'm so glad it ended with healing.  I think it's an astute observation to say that all his words on paper might be different if he were to see her face to face.  All of these opinions help greatly.

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   writingloverposted 10 years ago

   I'm apt to agree with Sri T. Why try to seek affection from someone who has no intention of giving back? It's a two-way street. I, too, speak from experience. My mother disowned me on my thirteenth birthday after I refused to go visit her in another state. I had just moved, you see, and not quite ready to venture out. She apologized through a card and that was the last time I heard from her. I must admit that I haven't tried to reach out because of the pain but she hasn't reached out either. Anyway, I just think that you should just be there for her and be the support that she needs.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Wl, I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your mother.  Since your mother has apologized I'm wondering if there would be harm in trying to reach out.  In your LOVELY video (and how DID you make that ??) u imply there is beauty in imperfection

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      writingloverposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Hi, Katy! I made that video through YouTube using photos.

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   Dave36posted 10 years ago

   It's hard to say without knowing the reasons why he wrote it, but I'd suggest writing him one back saying: O.K that's fine, but if you change your mind etc..Then to have no contact with him at all, & see if "he" responds in the future..Just like for an ex who's dumped us, we should ignore them as if they didn't exist & see if they come looking..If he doesn't come looking/calling etc, tell her to just carry on with her life regardless..My point is that he "might" regret what he's wrote at some point in the future, but it might be next week next month next year or he might not..Either way we can't ever know if he's never gonna regret it, until he does & comes looking..So we shouldn't dwell & try to work out why someone, other than our self feels that way about us we should carry on regardless..I don't know either your daughter or her father, but i can tell you one thing that you can tell her..He does still care about her even though he says he doesn't as the opposite to love is indifference, if he didn't care about her he "wouldn't" have wrote the letter..I know that sounds a bit backwards, but would you bother writing a letter to someone you didn't care about at all..So all's not lost yet, & like i say it might be temporary..He maybe just doesn't know how he feels so she should "let him go", move on & always forwards with her life, never look back & wonder etc, & give him time to miss her..Just remind her that it "isn't" a final rejection it's a "temporary" rejection, & she won't know the why's etc because their all in his head..Get her busy doing things she loves, & that will help take her mind of it..If she thinks about it a lot & gets emotional try to get her into mindfulness training + emotions/feelings control, which are the most powerful things i ever learnt for a calm mind.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Dave, your comment is so well-thought out. It touched me that you spent this much time thinking this ques. Knowing what a wonderful father he had once been,  makes me wonder, too, if he was trying to free her from his broken soul. Thank you

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      Dave36posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I've been through similar & you could sit & ponder/wonder forever & still never know the why as only he know's, that's if he even know's himself why..Also if we do sit & wonder we create unwanted emotions, that we then attach to our p

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   stricktlydatingposted 10 years ago

   What a horrible thing!  If she is in pain, she could write him a letter to free herself of some of the pain, and have her feelings towards him be heard.  But the question is - Does he even deserve to know, or be reminded of what an ingnorant person he is?
   
   I hope you take some time with her to explain that you are not with him because he is not and is never going to be good enough to be allowed to be an important part of your lives.  How much free'er and happier you will be and have been without having to deal with someone like him in your lives.  He is just not good enough.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Strickly, Thank you.  Up until the point of his "good-bye" to my daughter, I had felt a great loss in his leaving.  Now I feel it's more obvious that he is broken beyond repair and, like you say, my daughter and I may in fact, be freer to be happy.

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   wordswithloveposted 10 years ago

   I am so saddened by this kind of rejection of a child by her father, Katy! Fighting for a relationship will likely only harden him more. However, draw on your own memories of him as a father to your daughter when she was younger. Was he good to her? Was he loving then? He speaks of cherishing the memory of her as a child - there must have been something to cherish, would you say?
   Talk to your daughter as you would to a friend. Try to see how she views him and whether she wants to remind him of those cherished memories. I think it would be a good thing for her to write back to him, to remind him that his relationship with you through the divorce years had nothing to do with her. That if he cherishes her as a child, she is still his child, and nothing in the world can change that.
   Good luck, Katy. If a father cannot see with his own eyes, let his daughter be his vision.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Wordwithlove, Thank you! The incredibly puzzling part of the whole divorce was that he was a WONDERFUL husband and father. I wouldn't have grieved so if he hadn't been.  I KNOW he cherished her.  It's his own broken-ness as a child trickling down.

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      wordswithloveposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      In that case, Katy, I think your daughter will get through to him. Just let her do it! Love isn't about ego, so who does it first doesn't really matter.

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   padmendraposted 10 years ago

   If I would have been in his place, I would have asked my daughter to come and meet her father frequently or when she finds coming to me. Love for a daughter never ends as the daughter always remains a daughter for a father. This is one kind of unique relationships on this earth that whenever a father  meets his daughter after an interval of even couple of days, the emotion comes out in the shape of tears and only a dedicated father can  feel that this is the bond of selfless love between a Dad and Daughter.
   
   I think he (father of your daughter) is not sensible enough to understand the joy of love for a daughter and  appears to be an unfortunate person missing this beautiful relation.

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      KatyWhoWaitedposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Padmendra,  He is a broken shell of a man, it would seem - brilliant, accomplished.  He was abandoned in his youth for a while - it trickles down to the next generation.  I was going to make his life better - I failed. Thanks so much for commenting!

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   Annwnposted 7 years ago

   No please don't give up... never give up! I'm in the opposite situation to you where I want contact so much with my father... he means the world to me and I've never been able to tell him. I've recently realised that a broken family can heal and it's worth fighting for. The past can't be changed but the future can. I havent always been able to see that he truly is a wonderful man, I've spent many years punishing him based on other people's opinion of him, but not anymore. He has a wonderful gift to share, how he's had to work through so many issues from his past, I recognise he must've suffered and carried a lot of that with him. My mother had an affair and that ripped his heart and his four children's hearts apart, there were issues in their marriage granted but, I can only speak for myself when I say from myou heart and soul I FORGIVE YOU DAD! he is my hero, he's handsome, he's strong, heso a light worker, a successful business man a business he's built around helping and healing others. I have been so blind to his beautiful soul to the point of losing him, the ironic thing is I've spent my life needin him. His love his protection his sound advice his clear vision and guidance. My father is an angel who has worked to unfold and spread his wings far and wide. I see his light and I'm in awe! I have wasted to many years blaming him, when I too could've offered him this healing and let him know he has nothing to be afraid of anymore. We spoke not so long ago about meeting up with my mother and my sisters and brothers to help heal the wounds.... I thought I had my mother to agree when I explained how important it was but Imy not sure if that can ever happen. I can't be responsible for them anymore... but I can for myself and my relationship with my Dad he is first and foremost a man, a father, a teacher a healer a son a brother a human being a spirit a husband amongst other things and he deserves to be free from the past the past should never define anyone. Love is a real thing and I've recently met with him in my dreams and I know he hears me like I hear him. I've had a wonderful time with him last year and feel I let him and myself down by walking away to be in the negative because I don't know or didn't know any different. He was so supportive of me and byou being mean and lashing out at him was the opposite to how my heart was breaking for knowing I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. He has a kind heart and good sound advice. I LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

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