Help with advice for a friend

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   GoGrannyposted 14 years ago

   I am pretty good with advice, but stumped on this one. I am hoping my fellow hubbers can help. I have a good friend that divorced her husband about 20 years ago. She did so because he drank too much, was immature, and wouldn't keep a steady job to help her with their two kids. She then met a man who swept her off her feet, had a good job, loved her two kids, and made her promises of a great life. Well after a couple of years married to her second husband she realized that he was not the great guy he pretended to be...she actually grew afraid of him because he used drugs and had violent tendencies. And because she feared his wrath was too afraid to tell him she wanted a divorce. She stuck with it for 10 years, but finally couldn't stand another minute of him and left. True to her fears, he didn't take it very well and threatened to kill her and her kids and gave all types of horrible verbal abuse. Two years later he is still mad and ugly at her for leaving him. So she has been living a subdued life, paranoid, fearful, and basically going from home to work and back home. Now to throw more fire in this furnace...She has admitted to missing her first love - her first husband. They have talked and determine they are still in love. Problem is 2nd ex hates 1st ex and she would be afraid for 1st ex's life when 2nd ex finds out they got back together. Also, 2nd ex still lives with his girlfriend because he can't afford to get his own place and my friend doesn't want him to move in with her because she is afraid 2nd ex will go ballistic...And because I agree with that possibility I don't know how to advise her!

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      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Tell her no! I am a victim of this same mentality. Second turned out worse than first and makes you wish for the first back. NO NO NO! it won't work. All will be hunky dory at first, but then the first ex will be worse than he was before and make her believe she deserves it for ever leaving him in the first place. No, No, No! Tell her no, it is no way to get a better life! Buy a dog! A good dog, like a shepherd or a sheep dog, a loyal dog like that will protect her from Number two with his life. Malamutes are great because they look like a wolf and have the same protective instincts.

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         GoGrannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I will let her read these sincere replies and hope they help!

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   IzzyMposted 14 years ago

   Difficult one! Can't she get a restraining order on second ex so that he can't come near her? Does 1st ex know about the dangers of the 2nd ex? Wouldn't he want to do something to protect her?

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      GoGrannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yes he knows too well...they already fought and 1st ex ended up in the hospital for 2 days with broken ribs and nose. Plus now his health isn't good, but he would die for her. I know how much they were in love when they got married. She admits that she didn't try to work things out with her 1st to prevent the divorce...she just wanted to party and find someone with money to take care of her.

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   mod2vintposted 14 years ago

   Sounds like a lot of drama. If it were me, I would pack up my things, take my kids and move across the country leaving no forwarding address. I would not go back to my first husband, leopards do not change their spots. Go for a complete fresh new start!

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      IvyCrenshawposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is what I would do too.  There is nothing like a fresh start on life, in a new place.

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   donotfearposted 14 years ago

   Wow, this is a deep one. Sounds like she's living in fear no matter what she does. She needs to go into hiding from ALL her ex's, sounds like. I don't know what to say here.

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   Hokeyposted 14 years ago

   Here you go!    Problem solved!! 
   
   http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/38082

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      Faybe Bayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hokey! Tantrum will be so jealous, are you out trolling... for strange no less?
      
      I mean strangers, of course.

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         Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Faybe Baby! You are just too funny!
         
         
         
         
         
         you won't tell will you? 
         
         
                                            

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6. 58

   Jeramiposted 14 years ago

   I have a good friend that divorced her husband about 20 years ago. She did so because he drank too much, was immature, and wouldn't keep a steady job to help her with their two kids.
   
   Jerami thinks ... for what is worth?
      What has his track record been for the past 20 years?
      Did he remarry?  Or did he keep his dreams of her alive?
      How old is she and her first ex.
      Can she have an adult relationship with her first without letting it become committing?  If not she should wait before making any decision. Either think about it long and hard; or forget it all together.
      
      What are her reasons for "needing ?" to have a commitment?
      She needs to think about that long and hard first and foremost.
      Before she does anything she must at least discuss this with her children. It is their life too, if they are still a part of her life.
      If I were her friend these are the things that we would be talking about.
      
      I don't need to know the answer to these questions..She does
   
      First and foremost she needs to not live in fear and not be motivated to make rash decisions because of it.
      That wouldn't be fair to anyone.

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      GoGrannyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the response Jerami. These folks are in their late 50's by now. 1st ex admits to waiting for the opportunity to get back with her. He said that is why he wouldn't marry his current girlfriend of 14 years, because he felt in his heart that someday they would reunite.

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   TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years ago

   This sounds like a really tough situation.
   
   If Ex-husband #1 really loves her, he will understand when she tells him that what she needs is to remain single for now, to take the time to learn to stand on her own two feet, to become comfortable in her own skin, and to get some therapy. Your friend could also probably benefit from taking out a restraining order against ex-husband # 2, getting somewhere where she does not have to live in fear, and doing whatever it takes to become autonomous and value herself. I suspect if she does these things, she will find that her desire for ex-husband # 1 is based on some faulty thinking (i.e., I can't do any better, I don't deserve any better, at least he's better than #2, etc.) and low self-esteem.
   
   Your friend deserves to feel good about herself, to not be dependent (on any level) on another man (or woman, for that matter), and not to settle for second best.
   
   Sorry if that sounds awfully opinionated...but I can't tell you how many times I've seen this or a similar situation. Good luck.

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   I'm sort of confused with all the ex's, but I think I have the idea.  I think the friend should realize she's not the greatest judge of character when it comes to men, maybe think about getting some counseling for guidance (with her present situation and her "character-judging" skills), and just build her life (at least for the near future) with her children.  Children don't need drama, violent creeps, and losers in their lives.

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   GoGrannyposted 14 years ago

   Thanks again everyone offering advice. I let my friend read these responses and she is thinking about them. She says she isn't really interested in meeting a new man because she cannot trust, she is wanting her 1st ex because she already knows and trusts him, and he loves her. We'll just have to see what she decides to do......Thanks a bunch hubbers!

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