Loneliness – An Indisputable Emotional Pain (Perspectives)
Loneliness
To be alone...
To be lonely...
What exactly is the difference?
According to my favorite dictionaries Loneliness is -
- The state of being alone in solitary isolation;
- An emotional pain that motivates people to seek social connections or painkillers such as alcohol and drugs;
- The anxious feelings one have when they don’t feel connected to the people around them.
- A complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation;
- Sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned;
- A disposition toward being alone.
Loneliness is the state of being alone in solitary isolation –
I do not believe that a person in solitary isolation is necessarily lonely. Totally in contrast with the hyper-gregarious person I was before my father’s death, two years prior to my divorce, I have lived after my divorce for ten years in a state of social isolation. Because I wanted to be alone. In isolation I wanted to find and treat the wounds I've been afflicted with since the day I was born. I was completely fed-up with people and their doings. Of coping with stress and anxiety. Of hoping in vain that my circumstances would change in accordance with my preferences.
I was simply - (and arrogantly) - disappointed in God, and especially in people calling themselves 'His children’. I was straight forward angry.
So I know that being alone in solitary isolation does not imply that one is lonely.
Or does it?
Loneliness is an emotional pain that motivates people to seek social connections or painkillers such as alcohol and drugs -
I've sold my businesses - and even closed the doors of some - resigned from all committees and turned my back on society. Or so I thought! I've actually entered another society - of musicians and writers, where I felt understood and loved. But I thought I was simply keeping myself alive, working only 5-6 hours per day – 37 weeks per year – for a boss. The rest of the time I've satisfied my own burning desire to write whatever could make me feel better. Writing was the drug I've chosen; writing, indeed, killed my pain and healed my wounds.
But surely I was not lonely.
Or was I?
Loneliness includes the anxious feelings one gets when they don’t feel connected to the people around them -
Although I was not at all isolated before my divorce, I was extremely lonely in my marriage and even as a teenager in my parent’s home. Knowing, or rather believing, that I was not understood and not considered, forced me into a state of emotional isolation where I regarded my diary as my only true friend. Fortunately at that time I had an intimate and meaningful relationship with God; He was an amazing source of strength and power during that phase in my life.
After my divorce I still had to accommodate my (then, at last, adult) children and a handful of close friends and relatives, though ducking them the best I could without hurting their feelings. I did not feel connected to anybody. Even my lover – who had crossed my path as if he was sent by God – had to use all his masculine skills to pull me out of the depths of purdah.
Even surrounded by people, even while achieving the goals that were set by my Self-Image, I was completely isolated in an invisible bubble. After a very kind person, or organized function, managed to get me out of my bubble for an hour or three, my soul was in pain with feelings of revolt, like my body would be after over-exposure to our hot, South African sun.
Was that loneliness? I thought I had merely a passionate desire to be alone in my own world.
My fellow-perspective, MickeySR, has an extremely interesting perceptive: Loneliness is not about feeling not connected to others, but about feeling not connected to one Self ~ http://mickeysr.hubpages.com/hub/Perspectives-Loneliness-Its-Not-About-Being-Alone
Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation -
I like this definition by Wikipedia. At the end of my 10-year period of emotional isolation I was indeed lonely. I was in fact sure that instead of being alone, too tired to work and write, being dead would completely satisfy my need to be alone. I was ready to leave the planet.
Actually I was consumed by the monster called Depression, the mental cancer that kills people who are not able to come to terms with reality.
Maybe loneliness is depression. Maybe only people suffering depression know what loneliness really is.
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My favorite dictionary also defines loneliness as ‘sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned’ and ‘a disposition toward being alone’.
Then I must admit that I was lonely for the better part of my life.
But still not sure if I have a clue what loneliness is, I’ve decided to collect the perceptions of others.
- khmohsin – “.... loneliness is actually a state of mind, causing people to feel empty, alone and unwanted.... any kind of loneliness directly effects on human health.”
- happeningeachday – “....feeling of being alone out of 7 billion people in this world.”
- superkates – “.... a feeling of emptiness which can be felt even when you are surrounded by lots of people; feeling alienated, or not satisfied by a treatment you perceive.”
- jackdowney – “... When nobody's around me, caring about me....”
- akrwriter – “... when you have the world and they won't communicate with you.... and won’t share your burden....”
- aanderson2588 – “I think the feeling of loneliness stem from an emotion much deeper, like feelings of inadequacy, anger, fear, etc.”
- fpherj48 – “.... missing departed loved ones – this is a constant source of the feeling of emptiness aka loneliness."
- mhussain – “... when you sitting with your friends and have feelings that you are alone in this gathering...”
- Faith Reaper – “...the feeling that you have no one to turn to and no one who understands you.”
- JusticeBlaze – “... your heart, mind, and soul KNOW that there is something very important missing.”
- Daven Midtown – “... it seems to be made up from other emotions that are driven by other needs, such as melancholy, depression, sadness, pain, mourning, acute sadness, depression.”
- Dana Strang - Lonliness is emptiness, a part of you is missing...”
- Lany Olivier - “...Loneliness: dressed like Greta Garbo, looks like Elizabeth Taylor, making money like Bill Gates, having the flair of Brad Pitt, BUT having an empty dance Card...."
- Adri Pieterse – “... the longing to be considered important by another person."
- Maggie Bennett – “...Having no one who understands you can leave you feeling rather lonely.”
- ahorseback: “... its about the mind and heart-set of standing on a beach where there are lovers , liars, loungers and laughing kids, beautiful, friendly women and knowing you are never going to be like "Them ". True loneliness is about being everyones favorite "ear" and never having anyone to talk to.”
How to prevent Loneliness -
I am sharing only my personal self-defense against Loneliness -
- Being busy, extremely busy, with soul-enriching activities, keeps Loneliness only a word in my dictionaries.
- Only sufficient rest and a healthy diet enables me to be extremely busy. I've learned the hard way that fatigue and boredom are the humus for loneliness and depression.
Conclusion
Loneliness is knowing we are missing LOVE and companionship we desperately need.
Loneliness is without any doubt an indisputable emotional pain.
Self-motivated people who keep themselves busy with soul-enriching activities never get the time to experience loneliness.
© MartieCoetser
Copyright :: All Rights Reserved
Registered :: 2013-02-14 3:15:35
Title :: Perspectives: Loneliness - An Indisputable Enotional Pain
Fingerprint :: 9e7f5796cbe868be09f66dc088f08e51b681a5892d2ae38b07679fdcd2f37b11f
MCN :: CY385-J1GSP-0D553
Our guest author for February is btrbell aka Randi Benlulu
The idea behind this series called Perspectives is explained in a hub published by MickeySr:
- Perspectives: An Introduction
What we think and how we feel about things is defined, not by the things themselves, but by our perspective of things. Everything that comes before us is filtered through our perception of things...
The Perspectives:
Read my fellow-perspectives' perspectives on loneliness ~
- Docmo: Loneliness ~ Echoes are Louder when Empty
Echoes are Louder when Empty; Loneliness sometimes is a choice one makes. Feeling alone and the accompanying sense of despair can make one deaf and blind to offers of love and friendship. - MickeySR: It's Not About Being Alone
Loneliness is not about being alone... - Marcoujor: Loneliness ~ Through the Years
On some level, fiction can be a healing vehicle for the reader. Unexpected loss can occur at times when the world around you is celebrating a day like Valentine's day. Loneliness is relative. - btrbell: How to Learn to Accept Loneliness
In this article we will talk about ways to recognize and cope with our loneliness. - Bravewarrior: Choice vs. Choices
Loneliness is a state of mind. It differs from being alone. Circumstances can bring about loneliness, but choices are a factor also. Recognize the difference and feed your way out of loneliness.
MY perspective on other matters:
- Perspectives: The Charitable Spirit: Kindness - Gene...
The backbone of a Charitable Spirit is ‘kindness’; the rest of a Charitable Spirit is ‘generosity’.... - Perspectives: Knowing Your True Self – Happiness I...
In order for True-Self to be happy as s/he is supposed to be, True-Self should be IN CHARGE and not a stranger living somewhere in our inside. Meet your True Self today! - Perspectives: Regrets and Hopes: Living in the Prese...
Regrets are all about the Past, Hope is all about the Future. Nevertheless, we have to deal with them in the Present. - Perspectives: Vanity ~ Vanity and Humility versus Pr...
Vanity versus pride, humility versus modesty could be attractiveness versus repulsiveness. - Perspectives: Gratitude ~ Gratitude is an Attitude
The Perspectives of HubPages focus on Gratitude
Recommended hubs about loneliness -
- Can Being Alone Literally Break Your Heart?
This hub discusses the potentially life-threatening effects of loneliness on one's heart as relates to cardiovascular disease. - How Do You Know If You Are Spending Too Much Time Alone
Single or married people spend time alone - How Much Alone Time do you need?
Comments
AUTHORHi, Wendy :) Thank you so much for your supportive comment. Let's suffice it to say that "aloneness" should be seen as a period for introspection and growth, but when Depression, that thrives inside aloneness, gets hold of us, aloneness becomes loneliness, and this is indeed a dangerous state of being.
Great to name loneliness in a clear language. There are many people struggling with Thou for bringing into discussion! I think it is seen as a weak state of mind, though I see it often to be an incredible period of self reflection and hopefully being able to process what has been happening growing into growth in life. It is an incredible (important yet difficult..) state of being that needs lots of attention. Thank you for bringing into discussion!
- AUTHOR
Hulah - I wholeheartedly agree with you. The more you focus on others, the more you serve your fellow-man, the less time you have to be lonely. Thanks for emphasising this truth. It does not really requires effort - it is like a habit - unless you have sunk too deep into yourself.
I think helping others in a proper manner can be a way to break out of focusing on oneself. It requires effort but has unexpected rewards spiritually speaking
- AUTHOR
Halle Lou, thank you for your profound comment. I agree with you, but I also suspect that loneliness is the result of self-obsessiveness, when one gets too deep into their own self and not allowing others in their personal (spiritual) zone. We have to stay connected to our fellow-souls. Thank you for the link, I will check it out.
- AUTHOR
Peggy, thank you for the most beautiful comment you've left me. Although I may seem to be a brave extrovert sharing my life and thoughts with everybody, I do hide a lot of thoughts and emotions. Some because I don't want to hurt others and some because I have to protect myself against rude bullies who obviously have no insight and empathy. Deep in my heart I am just a daddy's little girl and a mommy's right hand, but life has forced me - and still does - to be the outspoken rebel i seem to be. Thank you so much for your friendship and support.
- AUTHOR
SidKemp - thank you for sharing your beautiful perception of aloneness and loneliness. The 'find' in 'finding love' is however a verb - too many people believe that love will find them..... :)
Your honesty and poignant descriptions of loneliness have drawn out so many here whom I would never have guessed to share these feelings. Admitedly, I am one of those. I love what you commented,
"In Cyberspace I am reckless, I allow my true self to be totally free and naked, but in real life my true self is just a little scared orphan, hiding in my self-image, which is Me doing what should be done in specific circumstances while keeping my emotions a secret."
I found this media (cyberspace) to be an elixir where we can create characters and tell stories in which our true selves can be exposed without fear of retribution, as we can always deny these images so closely resembled our own emotions. You are quite brave to set it all out for us to see, yet, through this sharing, we can each learn so much from one another. I loved every word you wrote and feel closer to you now than ever before.
Thank you for a wonderful exploration of loneliness. As a Zen meditator and as an author, I choose to take a lot of time alone. For me, there is "aloneness," a chosen state of being solitary for spiritual or artistic purposes, and "loneliness," which has sadness attached.
We must care for our sad loneliness and find love again. As you point out, if we deny the pain, we risk the illness called depression. If the choice is to find love from within, that is the path of Aloneness.
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Pinto, in hubpages we will certainly never be alone unless we stay off-line :)
- AUTHOR
Suzette, being alone but expecting company is actually nice, But being alone expecting nobody eventually cause depression and loneliness - so I agree with you that staying connected with others is important. And so easy now with internet and social sites like facebook :)
- AUTHOR
Midget, thanks for sharing. I think every person knows just how much time they need to be alone. But when suffering depression aloneness becomes a dangerous drug of a kind.
I think the word loneliness is no more alone with so many fellow hubbars commenting with rave reviews and great perspective. Very well thought and executed hub.
Don't feel lonely - I think we can all relate to this hub. Sometimes I feel the most loneliest in a crowd and feel better when I'm by myself. I think it is the not connecting closely with other person that brings on devastating loneliness. I agree with you that keeping busy and being involved in fulfilling activities makes one less lonely. But, I think that one connection and love are what make the biggest difference if one is lonely or not. This is so well written and well said.
Yes, we need time alone...but we cannot be lonely. The difference, as so well put by you, is in the feelings you have. One can enjoy being alone and appreciating the feelings of solitude...or can experience the stress of being disconnected and lonely. Sharing again!
- AUTHOR
My dear Deborah, how boring would life be if everything is always honky-dory? We have to experience all of it - the good and the bad. In the process we learn so much and especially our own strength and power to rise and shine. Have a good day :)
Martie.. another great hub my dear...Loneliness is a hard thing to deal with.. we all deal with it different.. Loneliness makes us do weird things.. meet people we might not ought to.. and makes depression seem like a lullaby.. ... As a lonely person .. we would rather hear lies and live with them than being alone.. but then sometimes we get so fed up with the lies we just cant live with them anymore and find ourselves alone.. which is fun at first but after awhile.. we don't think we can stand it one more day.. LIFE.. what to do..lol
many blessings my friend
Debbie
- AUTHOR
Hi Sueswan - So true. I remember that feeling so well, but being a fighter and also a born actor, I always manage to deliver some kind of a performance in order to get rid of the depressing feeling. I would incite and control interesting conversations, entertain, playing the cards on the table. Just to realize afterwards, exhausted, that I have missed something essential all the way. Thanks for your visit, dear Sueswan :)
Hi Martie,
I enjoyed reading your perspective on loneliness.
I can relate to feeling lonely in a crowd of people. It is worse than being alone in my opinion.
Voted up and sharing
Have a great week. :)
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Thank you, Eddy!
A wonderful hub Martie ;i loved it and vote up,across and share all round.
Eddy.
- AUTHOR
Pamela, so true! Not all of us can talk/write about our personal issues. I really don't know why I find it so easy to talk about mine. What I do know is that most people do appreciate my outspokenness, because they either feel better knowing that they are/were not the only people in the world with the same issues, or they are able to understand someone they know with the same issues better. Then there are some people who can't stand me - and we can forever waste our time speculating on their reasons. Your comment means a lot to me. Thank you, Pamela!
- AUTHOR
Hi teaches :) Thank you for coming over for the read and for leaving a comment. I believe that loneliness, too, is but only one of the many battles on our path of life. At one time or another we have to beat it before we can move on to the next phase.
- AUTHOR
Dear Epi, I understand your loneliness - I've been there, bought the T-shirt. We are not made to be alone all the time. But I have also learned the hard way that a perfect partner does not fall out of heaven in our lap; we have to go look for them at the right place. And we have to be fussy.
Yes, the Pistorius-Steenkamp case is sending shock waves through SA, and actually through the entire world. My heart goes out to all involved. Whatever the intention was, the consequences are devastating and not even the judgement at the end of the trial will change this. I pray that everything will work out for the best. Sadly, Reeva is forever gone. This is such a tragedy! Could happen to anyone.
Good to see you in my corner for a change, Colin! Please take good care of yourself :)
Martie, This is one of the things that makes Hubpages special. Many of us have had a lot of experiences that were hard, and we appreciate when someone is willing to talk about situations in their personal lives. It is very nice to have a friend like you and I treasure your writing and comments both. You help others when you share some of yourself.
Loneliness is a pain we all experience at times. Great approach on this subject and very useful in knowing how to overcome the feeling.
There are so many days when I am lost and lonely ...... and it's killing me.
Thank you Martie for being in my online life - one of my true friends and allies - a world class writer (look at your legion of fans who all love and respect the work you put into each hub presentation) and a classy lady too.
Sending you warm wishes and good energy and big Canadian hugs from Colin and his two best friends Little Miss Tiffy and Mister Gabriel at lake erie time ontario canada 2:18pm
And please say hello to the lucky Mister B for me please
Off now for a nice cuppa lemon honey ginseng tea and then a walk around the bay of my lake on a damp mid winter day here on a sunday afternoon.
How have you been keeping dear friend?
That is quite a sensational murder trial coming up in your neck of the woods isn't it?
- AUTHOR
Thank you, Pamela. It is always such a comfort to know that somebody out there knows exactly what I tried to explain. For most of my life - before I arrived in HubPages and started to communicate with 'the entire world', I've tried unsuccessfully to explain my feelings, and certainly in search of empathy and advice. Unsuccessfully, because the people I confided in had no idea what I was talking about. I always felt 'the odd one out', the hyper-sensitive, the one 'making mountains out of molehills'. In HubPages I expose my soul, afraid, but willing to bear the consequences. So comments like yours really mean a lot to me. Thanks again!
Martie, You shared so many tough experiences and depression is not a pleasant place to live. Loneliness and depression can sure go hand in hand. This hub is really thought provoking. In my first marriage that ended in divorce, there was one night in particular when I was lying in bed next to my sleeping husband and I have never felt that lonely before or since that time.
Social isolation will probably add to loneliness, but sometimes you just have to have some isolation to sort through the painful things that happen and also emotionally heal. I was actually so relieved after my divorce that I didn't get depressed. I was depressed toward the end of the marriage for sure. Thank you for writing this article that has so much of your life and feelings shared for all of us. I think that is always helpful for other people as we learn from each other. You did an excellent job writing this hub.
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Alastar, thank you for your very profound comment. I do believe that every individual's experience, and even comprehension, of loneliness is unique. Like pain. What one may be able to bear, is not necessarily what all is able to bear. And the same goes for happiness and peace. Emotions are not even relative, like time, for whose would be regarded as the perfect measure? I always appreciate your thought-provoking comments, thank you, Alastar :)
Every human believes to know what is meant by loneliness, according to their own life experiences and is ingrained in them through the culture. Because people are imprisoned in material concerns and beliefs that are not helping them find true happiness, they are not able to understand from an inner experience. Experience I believe forms the true key for overcoming loneliness. It was so fine to see here how you have that key and understanding, Martie. Hope this makes sense but is what came through in my thinking, regardless.
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Genna, I think I already mentioned my believe that nobody is lonelier than the one who grieves. Are we not grieving all the time, and sometimes without even knowing it? From the day we are born, we gain and lose. When gaining adulthood, we lose our childhood. When gaining a partner to love, we lose our freedom and independence and even a lot of the love we had previously spent on ourselves. So we all have reasons to experience grief and consequently loneliness. But then, being too busy with soul-enriching activities, inter alia the raising of children, we just don't get the time to feel lonely.
I remember during a specific time in my past, when I was relatively happy with my husband and children, positive and eager to resolve all problems, the most awful feeling of loneliness got hold of me when the day was over, all chores were done, and I was lying in bed next to my husband waiting for sleep to drag me into unconsciousness.
Thanks for the votes, Genna :)
- AUTHOR
drbj - I would love to be your PLC. Even if it stands for Polisher of Lavatories and Company Cars :)
But seriously, emotions is so difficult to describe. How can one identify and deal with their emotions if they can't describe it? I believe by describing mine, readers/listeners will recognize their own easier. We are actually mirrors for others; I can see a part of myself, and sometimes even all of myself, in my friends AND enemies and often even in strangers.
Thanks for the vote, my favorite doctor-professor B.J. :)
- AUTHOR
Minnetonka - Loneliness is certainly a complex condition. Reviewing my past I can confirm that there are many different phases of loneliness, depending on our specific pattern of thoughts and emotions. When I was 13 (and again when I was 14) operations on my feet prevented me to attend school for two months. I was lonely at home, but I looked forward to go back to school and to all my friends. Hope was part of that packet of loneliness. But back in school again, I found myself in another phase of loneliness - although part of the crowd again, I was completely disconnected. And this is but only one minor example. Thanks, Twin, for drawing my/our attention to this particular aspect of loneliness.
- AUTHOR
Hyphenbird, you reminded me of the song, "What a friend we have in Jesus." There was a time I've studied the begins and nuns in Holland. I was particularly interested in a certain nun who lived for decades voluntarily imprisoned in the wall of a church in Utrecht. All she could see through a small window was the altar. She wrote a book or two in there. I might as well write a hub about her.
Thank you for your lovely comment. But you must know, Brenda, you see only one side of me - the side I show to people I trust. In reality I trust only a few; the rest know me as a friendly, but adamant woman, taking care of my responsibilities in a diligent manner. I am also a fiery fighter for justice, so I know a handful of people who will tell you that I am a tactless and merciless b--ch, as 'cocky' as (King) David, not afraid of giants. Just telling you this, Brenda, because I don't want you to believe that I am always and everywhere a loving and compassionate lady. Sending you lots of warm hugs from South Africa.
“I do not believe that a person in solitary isolation is necessarily lonely.” I agree; it depends on the person and the circumstance.
I am sorry to hear that you experienced this in your life, but I think so many of us can relate to this, each in our own way. Sometimes we create it out of our own action or inaction. Divorce, loss, even sacrifice (mine at one time was due to sacrifice), brings loneliness…even though it’s hard to “define“ in a way that we can recognize. But it is painful, and this pain gives us a sharper awareness of the human condition, a kind strength or courage – even and honesty – all of which are so present in your writing. I found your collection of other perspectives on loneliness extremely thoughtful. Hugs, Martie. Voted Up and shared. :-)
This is a masterpiece, dear Martie, and I salute you for your depth of knowledge, compassion and understanding. In fact, I have an offer for you. There is a small space in my office and room on the door for your name, Martie Coetser, PLC. No PLC is not business jargon for Public Limted Company, nor is PLC technical-speak for Programmable Logic Controller. PLC stands for Professional Loneliness Consultant. Are you interested?
Your willingness to share your knowledge and experience is much needed - just reread the intense, personal comments you have evoked. So just say the word, m'luv. In the meantime, voted way Up!
Hi again Martie-it sounds like for you, loneliness is not a disconnect with yourself. I think we all have different experiences with loneliness and yours does not have to do with a disconnect. I do understand what your saying about being surrounded by all the hurts of the past. Love that fighting quality in yourself my friend. This is a really complex issue that affects us all in our own way.
Loneliness is an epidemic in our current society. Though we have many people around us, few listen or even care. I have been lonely most of my life. Now I am never lonely because Jesus lives in my heart. Still, I sometimes crave the companionship of other like minded people. It is how we are designed. Bless you Martie. You are one of the most loving, compassionate ladies I have ever known.
- AUTHOR
@ Victoria Lynn - Your comment refreshed one of my memories. As I've explained in my hub - I wanted to be alone; I did not have the faintest desire to seek company. And yet I had a wish to be rescued by someone in shining amour that would be able to understand and love me. I've realized all my wishes in short stories - in other words, in my imagination. When I eventually became physical ill with loneliness and depression, I have forced myself to make contact with people who were in the same situation as I, and that was the beginning of another chapter in my life. My life is actually a novel with many chapters.
@ Minnetonka Twin - I am still pondering over Mickey's believe that Loneliness is the feeling of being disconnected to one Self. I can honestly say that I was never disconnected to my Self. In fact, when I am alone, and in particular when I am lonely, I am too connected to my Self, too aware of my own scars, bad memories, wishes and hopes, and most of all too aware of being too complicated to be understood and loved. I was always able to be more than holding my own - I am a born fighter - but with my True Self safely captured deep down in my soul.
In Cyberspace I am reckless, I allow my true self to be totally free and naked, but in real life my true self is just a little scared orphan, hiding in my self-image, which is Me doing what should be done in specific circumstances while keeping my emotions a secret.
So maybe what Mickey meant - and you as well - with not being connected to one Self, is when True Self and Self Image are not exactly the same person.
Believe me, in reality I just don't allow every other person into my heart where my True Self is the queen, while I allow her to be free in CyberSpace. Of course, because it is so easy for me to protect her in CyberSpace. With only one click on a 'disapprove', 'unfriend', 'delete' button, and then not another thought about the issue. In the beginning this was not so easy, it took a couple of painful shocks before I've mastered the perfect 'forgive & forget' move. I wish I was able to do this so easy in reality.
The problem in reality is that we really NEED others, we depend on others in order to survive, in order to realize our dreams, in order to be and to achieve our goals, and therefor we have to swallow the bitter with the sweet, and perhaps this is the reason why we need alone-time, just to connect with ourselves again and again..... and why we feel lonely, swallowing too much bitter in solitude where no-one can see us.
- AUTHOR
Hi ImKarn, I do believe that true writers are somewhat 'disconnected', or should I rather say not totally connected to others, and perhaps not even to themselves in order to obtain an objective view on whatever issues.
I would say Loneliness is an instigator of many deceases, including depression. Being lonely, feeling the painful emptiness/shortcomings/longings in our lives, evidently causes a chemical imbalance, which is the main reason of depression. But this is surely more complicated, as loneliness is not the only instigator of depression, it could very well be the result of depression.
I have met loneliness when I was 12. I was all of a sudden a complete stranger in my own skin, disconnected from everybody and all. Long story! My father's death 20 years later was but only one of many shocks that had kept me an alien on this bloody planet...
But I must add that I was forever trying my best to connect... I think the fact that my father was all of a sudden no longer available, totally and forever 'unconnectable', has shocked me into another direction.
Thank you, Leslie, for commenting and sharing :)
One of the most powerful hubs I have read to date. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences of loneliness. I do believe that one can be lonely even if he/she is surrounded by others in different settings. For me, loneliness is a disconnect from myself. Once I feel it, I know I am not taking care of myself the way I should. When my father died, I was so heart-broken and lonely for him. I was finding it difficult to see hope in my future now that one of my best friends was gone. Once I came to grips that dad would want me to move on and get on with life-I started working on Me again. The loneliness disappeared. Thanks for such a thought provoking and emotional hub my friend.
Loneliness is an interesting concept, as some see it as never wanting to be alone. I agree that you can feel loneliness in a room full of people. I love--actually prefer--being alone. The only time I experience what I think of as loneliness is when I feel that nobody understands what I'm feeling or who I am. But that doesn't make me long for another person. It's hard to explain. At any rate, great hub. It makes me think. I think it makes all of us think. All the votes, except funny, including up! Great work!
Fabulous! Brave! Insightful! Honest!
Wow, Martie - this was truly a spectacular write that had me leaning forward in my chair for the next word - You got guts, girl!
Perhaps we writers are just...like that - the 'loner' type? Because as i read you - i felt me! The disconnect from society...the lack of faith in mankind to make the hard choices...etc..
i do not believe that loneliness and depression go together like peanut butter and chocolate! i can't say i've known a 'depressed' day in my life - altho anxiety, is a whole other story..
which came first Martie - the event or the change in thought process - i do wonder, personally..
maybe your father's death just..allowed you to be you?
who knows eh?
all i know is this was awesome and i am sharing forward!
- AUTHOR
@ DDE – when death or some third party takes away our partner, loneliness is the inevitable result. But we still have a choice: we can either fight it, or allow it to consume us.
@ sallieannluvslife – I would certainly like to read your hub about loneliness. Let me know when you publish.
@ Faith Reaper – This is NORMAL and HEALTHY: “... I do so love my alone time, and that is just fine, as you stated, it is knowing I am not missing LOVE and companionship in my life.”
- AUTHOR
@ AliciaC – I do believe that people are not really able to recognize and truly appreciate the Good in Life if they have no idea what the Bad is. I thought, back then, that to be alone was good, better for me. In the meantime Aloneness is a trap set by Loneliness and Depression. Aloneness is a comfort zone where we don’t have to love anybody. If we don’t love, we don’t receive love; without love we slowly die....
@ tsmog – I look forward to read that hub of yours :))
@ Becky Katz – You were, and still are, lucky, to never have experienced the pain of loneliness. Loneliness is like a mental cancer, slowly but certainly it twists our pattern of thoughts from positive to negative. My heart bleeds for your daughter. Unfulfilled wishes, longing, become large, empty holes in our soul – deserts of loneliness. I hope everything for her will turn out for the best.
@ Gypsy Rose Lee – Thanks for confirming that even the merest action, like daily chores, keeps loneliness out of our system. An apple a day keeps the doctor away; many doings keep Loneliness and Depression away. When we are physically active, our brain release inter alia serotonin – the body’s natural anti-depressant.
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@ Vickiw – That is exactly how I see Loneliness – an evil being destroying our soul. Personification of our feelings enable us to control them faster and more effectively.
@ picklesandrufus – Strange, I did not realize that those lonely phases were hard per se. I have always seen myself as a fighter and a survivor. Only now, from the top of the mountain I am on, I can see my footprints in the desert below, and also the devil called Self-pity. No, really, I am done with the Bad and the Ugly. One should never treat them like pets.
@ kallini2010 – interesting – no antonym to “loneliness” and "thirsty". So one is either lonely/thirsty or NOT lonely/thirsty.
Thanks for the link to John Cacioppo’s excellent article about Loneliness. Really worthwhile the read.
Talking about Valentine’s Day and Christmas – and I am once again more convinced that we should – specifically on these days – be too busy with soul-enriching activities to experience that dreadful feeling of KNOWING that we are missing something important in our lives.
Take care, Svetlana!
@ always exploring – of course I was never lonely in your company! In fact, you are one of the few who have encouraged me to get myself for once and for all out of it. Thanks, again, Ruby!
@ Docmo – I haven’t shared my experience in search of sympathy, but to explain in particularly that many lonely people don’t realize that they are actually lost in the well of loneliness. We tend to live in denial until we literally come to our senses in a hospital, or a court, or a party for lovers of tjoklits, or, too late, in a mortuary. Thank you for your lovely comment :)))
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@ Sunnie Day - Your description is perfect: "..... so hard to describe as it evolves through our life, meaning different things at certain times."
@ Sunshine - when one feels abandoned (like a failure) one tends to believe that death is the honorable way OUT. The pain of loneliness (depression?) prevents rational thoughts. Like a migraine, or a painful abscess in a tooth - one CANNOT think rational when having pain of any nature.
@ Amy - I agree wholeheartedly with you. We have roamed the same desert for 'forty' years.
@ lrc7815 - It is difficult to describe the loneliness in ourselves, but easy to recognize (only our own) in the words and actions of others.
@ Rosemay50 - Perfect metaphor: ".... being lonely is like being a photographer, being part of the scene but never actually in it...." You will also relate to MickeySR's perceptive on loneliness. Yes, most of your poems reflect loneliness, consequently they are mirrors reflecting my own soul.
@ tillsontitan - Have you ever seen the experiment of the frog still breathing in boiling water, because the temperature was slowly increased? By the time I have realized that I was in fact lonely, I was already emotionally dead. I reminded myself of a saddle horse - used to the darkness of his stable, they behave quite funny out of it.
@ Nell Rose - Please read all my replies in this capsule, because I want you to know that I know exactly what you mean. By the time we recognize our own loneliness, our 'presence of mind' is no longer in us, but outside, like an alien, looking down on us. Your experience was actually a helluva trauma. Like a tree pulled out of the ground with roots and all, you were compelled to shoot new roots in unfamiliar soil.... And look at you today. Hat in hand I bow to you.... :)
@ vocalcoach - although our losses (including our hopes and dreams) are not always comparable, our pain could be the same, depending on the sensitivity of our soul. There is certainly nobody as lonely as the one who grieves. And I do agree with you - I, too, don't allow myself to be lonely (and in HubPages I certainly never get the opportunity to be), and since I've almost grieve myself to death, I seldom if ever allow myself to grieve. I know too well how difficult it is to get out of that well of loneliness, so perfectly described by mckbirdbks. In fact, I've developed a phobic fear for it, after I've been in it until quite recently - not always at the bottom, but always somewhere in its darkness.
Dearest Martie,
Thank you for such an introspective write here on your perspective of loneliness. I appreciate the refreshingly honest manner in which you chose to look inward and share. You brought it home when you wrote about the very real and intense pain associated with true loneliness; " . . . knowing we are missing LOVE and companionship."
Yes, dear, it is when one is missing LOVE (true and unconditional) and that human touch, we all need, the intense pain of loneliness is felt (whether we recognize it or not at the time), it can and will wreak havoc on one's total body health and mind.
I do so love my alone time, and that is just fine, as you stated, it is knowing I am not missing LOVE and companionship in my life.
I truly believe LOVE is the answer to much malady in this world.
Thank you again, dearest Martie, and please know without a doubt you are not missing out on one drop of LOVE here in HP Town!
Amazing write.
Voted up ++++ and sharing (I appreciate the mention)
Hugs and love always, Faith Reaper
I was actually considering writing a hub on loneliness, and just happened to see your hub. Thanks for writing it...parts of your life sound a lot like my own...loneliness to me is the building up of walls in protection of one's self from experiencing more pain...thinking you completely suck at life.
Loneliness is experienced by man individuals, if you choose to be lonely then life is fine but if not by choice then things can be tough. Thanks for sharing your experiences different experiences with us.
There are many different aspects to loneliness. Letting oneself feel lonely is never a good idea. When I find myself alone for some time I keep busy always finding new things to do. I never make myself do just chores but things I enjoy like writing, cleaning up drawers because I always know I will find something that will bring me good memories, interacting with friends on the net and so on. Before I know it one day has passed another and I haven't even had a moment to consider being lonely. Hugs. Passing this on.
Martie, this is a wonderful look at the true meaning of loneliness. I cannot say that I have ever been lonely, as I grew up in a very large loving family. I had many people who loved and understood me. I met my husband and it took just a short time before we knew we belonged together. His heart and mine meshed, bringing joy and another type of love to my life. The Lord has been a close companion for many years also. He brings so much joy to my life.
I do understand loneliness though. My daughter feels it and my heart bleeds for her. She has a loving family but her best friend's mom doesn't like her and keeps them apart. They can't wait until they turn 18 so they can hang out and talk with each other again. We run into her occassionally at a store and if she is with her father, he allows them to talk for a short time. My baby glows for a few days whenever she can have time with her best friend. I hope she finds others that she can be that close to but there aren't that many that can understand each other like that. They have been best friends for 10 years now. Long time when you're just a teen.
I love the conclusion. A cause to first listen to the opening song, eyes closed, while pondering. Upon opening re-reading with a new mindset, that conclusion offers more life than compromise. An awakening thought leading to, well, I think I will write a hub!
Thank you MartieC for the inspiration . . .
tim and Mitch to a few (wink)
Your Perspectives hubs are so thought-provoking, Martie. I like to read them many times and think about all that you've said. I'm sorry that you have experienced such sad times. This is an important and very moving hub.
Martie - your raw and emotional journey through loneliness and the perspective you bring to the subject are , as always, eminently readable and heart rending. You have a gift, dear Djoklits, and I am glad you share it with us. I am always in awe of how much wisdom, emotion and wit you bring to the project... it's a true delight. I also love the perspectives of other hubbers you've gathered here = perspectives within perspective Much love & hugs, dear Martie.
Wow Martie, how could i have known you were so lonely when we spent days emailing and laughing about people we chose to write about in our pitiful attempt to be happy. I know we've come a long way from times spent in make-believe to reality. We both found that there is a life after loss and how did we do that? We opened up. We let people enter into our lives, oh so very consciously. We still are afraid at times, it is only natural after a nightmare of childhood misunderstanding. I love this and i love you my friend..Hugs..
Dearest Martie, it's an excellent article. Yes, indeed being alone is not necessarily being lonely. There is a difference between solitude and loneliness.
On the other hand, there is not antonym to loneliness, like there is no antonym to "thirsty".
I am lonely, I am thirsty - not good - pain signal - time to to change something.
I am not lonely - it's the norm, when you are unaware because everything as it should be.
To me, the real eye-opener like for many others was the book (and the research) by John Cacioppo - his book "Loneliness" - I will never forget - indeed I am going to reread it again.
Maybe others would be interested in it, too, you know those, who feel loneliness more than others.
http://www.igsb.org/news/psychologist-john-caciopp...
It's an interesting topic your gang chose for the month of St. Valentine's - indeed, when we feel the loneliest? On Christmas and other "happiest" (for others) occasions.
Take care,
You write a true hub and from the heart. So sorry you went through such hard times. I think the most lonely I have been was when I was in a bad relationship. Glad your life is better now:)
Dear Martie, I had no idea. How amazing that you would have the strength to write this for all of us. There is such a lot in this Hub, such a lot to reflect on. I almost feel that loneliness is a being, with whom I have become acquainted through the years of my own grief, and the grief of others. She is powerful and intrusive, and needs to be left behind. We try to drown her pointless chatter by subordinating ourselves to her. Then one day we realise this is indeed time to stand up and be counted. That is when we develop a vision for ourselves. It is to be alone, and not be lonely. Everyone has to choose their own battle plan, but it has to be visited once a week. Make a goal to get out of the clutches of this annoying being called Loneliness, no matter how small, and work on it for a week. It must be an active step towards a new happiness. Share the goal, then you can celebrate as you move on to the next and the next. Soon you will be empowered, and she will leave. I send you love and heartfelt wishes.
I don't allow myself to feel lonely. It hurts too much. Up until the time that cancer won it's ugly fight and took my son I had never experienced the feelings of loneliness (except as a little child.)
Missing Todd makes me feel lonely so I try not to think of him. Then I feel all guilty.
Am I lonely? I don't know because I bury myself in work - in writing - keeping my mind busy and protected from pain.
I am a garbage bag of mixed feelings and emotions since he died. Forgive me Martie. This is supposed to be about your incredible hub - not about me.
Your writing is so filled with truth, giving permission for each of us to speak freely about our own truth.
I have admired you for 3 years - but never as much as I do right now - after reading this inspiring and soul touching masterpiece.
Voted up and all the good ones. Where is the "I love you" button?
Hi Martie, I am so sorry you have felt like this. The strange thing is when reading it I felt a chill as everything you said sounded similar to me, only I have never admitted it to myself. After my husband did what he did, I switched off, simple as that really. each and every quote above sounded so familiar that it made me think, I think the main one was ahorsebacks:
its about the mind and heart-set of standing on a beach where there are lovers , liars, loungers and laughing kids, beautiful, friendly women and knowing you are never going to be like "Them ". True loneliness is about being everyones favorite "ear" and never having anyone to talk to.”
After knowing my husband would never be the same again, I have been ducking and diving trying to avoid situations, and just listening to people talk about relationships etc makes me feel like an alien. Great words martie and oh so true, wonderful hub, nell
I have written and re-written this comment several times trying to find the words to express how this hub made me feel. Such openness and soul bearing needs words in reply that at least attempt to match the honesty and journey you have been through. No matter how I try, I can't come up with the right words, so let me just say this was a very touching and emotional hub. I'm sure your insights into your journey with loneliness will lead others to reassess where they are in that 'other' world. This was an incredible hub.
Voted up, useful, awesome, interesting and shared.
A very indepth look at lonliness Martie. Thank you for sharing your own experiences.
To me being lonely is like being a photographer, being part of the scene but never actually in it. Whoever comments on the photographer when looking through old photos, he/she just doesn't exist.
I sometimes worry that lonliness shows through my poetry but it is my way of employing myself
An excellent perspective this month
Oh Martie, I feel like you climbed inside my soul and wrote what I have believed for such a long, long time. Like you, I chose social isolation after the breakup of a relationship. It has been healthy and in the silence, I came to know and understand myself better than I ever could have had I continued to be a social butterfly. I have never been lonely but I crave time alone.
This was an absolutely awesome article that I hope will bring understanding to all those who are misinformed about being alone. Voted way up, awesome, useful, yada, yada, yada, and sharing it across my network! Wow!
Beautifully honest, personal journey, Martie, that I relate to, esp the anger and choice to be alone. My feeling is that we are all, in reality, alone. No matter how many friends, lovers or associates we commune with, the ultimate truth is that we are alone...we die alone. Pragmatically, I do not find this depressing, but merely fact. In some ways, it is reassuring to me. The sadness, I feel, is not accepting this basic reality and scrambling to attach to someone...anyone else's hip to feel whole. I feel good that I no longer need to be connected to another to feel valid. "I think, therefore I am." I resent the people I've associated with, in the past, who felt they needed to tell me how or what to think. I feel blissfully myself. I will never be perfect, but I will always be a work in progress. Now, I have the freedom to pursue my own interests with no blame or guilt if I fall short of my goals. I get up and press on. You are a very talented writer, Martie, and I gained much insight from your warm, conversational, relatable piece on loneliness. Thank you for sharing your truth.
SAA, Your suspicions just might be very accurate. According to Dr. Oz loneliness and depression often go hand in hand. Well done!!
Dear Martie
As I read your words, I felt such a common bond with you in how I felt for so long before writing. Sometimes I do isolate myself still, and not sure why, knowing I need to reach out more. I think as we age we get a little more over whelmed by life's fast pace and that causes me to retreat when I am able. You described what I think many feel. It is a complex issue and so hard to describe as it evolves through our life, meaning different things at certain times. Wonderful hub filled with much truth..Thank you my dear friend,
Love Sunnie
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@ Ruchira - definitely so! Making music and singing aloud also kill those feelings of loneliness.
@ Sunshine - I believe you, and I hope with all my heart that you never-ever experience loneliness. It is quite an animal to be tackled by its horns. I did mention that I suspect a bond between loneliness and depression - two birds of the same colors.
@ daven - I know. You certainly fill your empty holes with the most exciting knowledge and wisdom. And I think that this is an art most loners manage to master.
I do not feel unhappy in my life... in fact I find my life to be quite blessed...
I don't think I've ever experienced loneliness. I thought and tried to recall a time when I felt alone and I came up with nothing. After reading your hub I don't think I ever want to be lonely, but I'm sure when one goes through a lonely phase they gain strength and learn to adapt. Just like everything else in life. What doesn't kill use makes us stronger.
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daven, believe me, I know exactly what you mean. Our music school was, and still is, a 'home' for loners. During school brakes they come to practice their instruments, sometimes alone, sometimes in groups. I've seen those loners year after year, growing up with their music instrument as their only best friend, and then, when they enter adulthood, where they might not have the opportunity to continue their affair with their instrument, they stumble and fall until they finally find another killer for their loneliness. Some people are born loners. But not necessarily unhappy.
Sorry Martie to read all about it.
Loneliness sure can be depressing but I FEEL that we all are lonely in some way or the other...cause of the life we lead and the endless chores at hand. Talking to oneself can help during this time.
Hugs Martie!!
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Jools99, I must say that I am not one for chit-chat at work. Especially at work I expect work and nothing but work of myself and others. Loneliness kicks in during tea-brakes and lunch-time, when I realize that I am surrounded by people who are either too busy, or too self-centered, or too swallow, or too whatever to meet my personal expectations of companionship. Work is but just another killer of loneliness. Thanks for sharing your experience. Fortunately you are a writer in HubPages and I am sure you will agree with me that in here we don't get the opportunity to be lonely :)
You are always so thorough in your detail and I appreciate that a great deal. I am a loner and always have been though in my childhood I did not understand that being alone was okay. Today... I might go days without venturing out into the world, and then only to go to class or maybe to get groceries.
Martie, well written, honest article and I sort of connected with parts of it myself. I gave up work last July and it is only lately that I have started to feel a bit 'lonely'- I miss the day to day chit-chat and catching up with workmates, laughter etc. I must do something about it soon because I think I could end up being too far down the line to make the effort and I know that will make me feel worse. Shared, really enjoyed this. Now off to read btrbell's contribution to this excellent series.
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hawaiianodysseus, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Thank you for explaining this profound truth so perfectly in here. Also thank you for your beautiful compliment, truly appreciated. At least, in HubPages, being in contact with so many kindred souls, we can't be lonely.
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mckbirdbks, what a perfect description: "... we all, each in our own way, dig this 'Well' called Loneliness. Usually when we are young. Then for the rest of our lives we spend digging our way back out of it."
So true!
Maybe loneliness was our very first emotional experience, during that nine months in the womb of our mother.... and then, going all alone trough the birth channel... How scary! And so we will go through the death channel as well. Alone and perhaps lonely.
Neil Diamond owns a piece of my heart!
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My dear marcoujor, I could not think of any other way but sharing my personal experience. Loneliness is like a ghost, we have to see it with our own eyes in order to believe that it exist. And still, even then, we might think that we are only seeing a projection of our own mind.
Truthfully, the shadows that accompany me in my daily walk, my eBay business, my HubPages writing, and my love of family are the most faithful companions of all. They just happen to be totally misunderstood--not unlike me--and their names are Depression and Loneliness. This may be difficult for others to understand, but the biggest growth I've made in my life came not from the laurels of success but from being awash in the sea of distress. Depression taught me to dig deep and discover the universal lessons welling up in my soul, and Loneliness taught me that I can only depend on myself to move forward in connecting with others. Your beautiful hub triggered these remembrances, and I just wanted you to know what was in my heart and that hopefully it would be a morsel of solace and comfort. You ARE a significant difference in this writing community, Martie...
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Hi Mickey, you're welcome to follow suit. Your perceptive in loneliness is one mighty fruit for thought: https://hubpages.com/education/Perspectives-Loneli...
I am going to add it to my hub in the capsule, 'Loneliness includes the anxious feelings one gets when they don’t feel connected to the people around them'.
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Lilbittybetty, I've learned about everything worthy to know during my stages of loneliness. Thanks for your profound comment.
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Bravewarrior, I had the same feeling when I read Mickey's perceptive. Loneliness is like an enormous ball (of emptiness). We can but only have one perceptive at a time, depending on where we stand at a specific time.
I enjoyed your perceptive - https://hubpages.com/health/Perspectives-Lonelines... - and yes, it is also one of mine on specific days of my life, when I refuse to remember specific times in my life.
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Billybuc, I agree with you. Things are never perfect. Knowing this, being aware of patches of emptiness in our soul, does provoke the feeling we call 'loneliness'. Fortunately we can kill the pain, and eventually we do find the perfect painkiller. Thank you for your support :)
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btrbell, it was/is easy for me to fall into the trap called 'self-pity'. But I've also learned the hard way to avoid this trap. Life is life; shit happens all the time to everybody. The most exciting challenge Life offers us, is to find inner joy in spite of all negative aspects of being alive.
Thank you for your comment, and congratulations with your excellent contribution: https://hubpages.com/health/How-to-Learn-to-Accept...
There is a book title called 'The Well of Loneliness' I think we all each in our own way dig this 'Well'. Usually when we are young. Then for the rest of our lives we spend digging our way back out of it. You certainly have climbed out of the well and now hold your head high to the South African sun.
Only you could weave Henry Miller (who I have been talking about for two days) and Neil Diamond in a hub and make it work.
Dear Martie,
This is an all comprehensive review of the subject of loneliness. I thoroughly respect and appreciate how you have woven your life lessons into the concepts so well detailed.
I also think it was meaningful to get the definitions/ perspectives of some many fellow hubbers with your question.
Oh, and the Neil Diamond and Elvis are fabulous selections...love them both too! Voted UP and UABI. Love, Maria
What a great idea to gather the 'perspectives' of some fellow hubbers - if you don't object I may very well include that myself sometime.
Sometimes...loneliness is priceless. If you have been through a lot of pain and trouble that was dealt by others...
Martie, I can understand loneliness better now that I've read your article. Especially that those who suffer from depression are lonely. I'd not thought of that. Your perspective was similar, yet very different from mine.
Well done, Martie! I think there is a little something in this hub that everyone can relate to.
So relatable. I am so sorry that you have had those experiences. There is nothing worse that a loneliness from within. I do understand. Thank you for sharing this.Up and awesome
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