Have you have ever been a kind friend to another person and then felt you were t

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   Emanate Presenceposted 11 years ago

   Have you have ever been a kind friend to another person and then felt you were taken advantage of?

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   Old Empresarioposted 11 years ago

   No; but it happens to my wife all the time.

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      So, are you the one taking advantage of her kindness and then taking her for granted?

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   meloncauliposted 11 years ago

   Many times! Some people will milk kindness for all it's worth. Learning to be assertive reduces the chances of being taken advantage of!

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I feel it is good to stand up for and be a kind friend first to oneself.

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   CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years ago

   Yes...many times. In fact, I am the friend I wish I had.
   
   Having said that...I believe it is better in the long run to be fooled now and then, than to be cold-hearted and uncaring.
   
   
   P.S. Gary...you may not believe this, but I gave a hitch hiker a ride the other day. It wasn't very far and my 3 sons were in the back seat (just in case), but on the way home I thought of our lengthy discussion on the matter and thought you may want to know. :0)

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Marvelous response, C J. And thank you for letting me know about giving the hitchhiker a ride. I guess many feel that way, 'In fact, I am the friend I wish I had.' It reminds me of the proverb to first be a friend to oneself.

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   Moeskyposted 11 years ago

   This is a tricky question. I've learned to look through the other persons eyes if I feel I'm being taken advantage of. This is because people hold different values and understanding about "giving and taking". I had a close friend in my twenties - we were like brothers, did everything together. Many of our adventures were initiated by  me, and I invited him along. Later he would boast about these things as if he had instigated them. And when he finally found well-paid work, he would flaunt his new wealth in my face as if I wasn't worthy anymore of his friendship.
   I closed our friendship when this happened, haven't seen him in years. And I always held him in contempt for his arrogance. But these days I see things differently, and realize in those times, I needed his friendship as much as he needed mine, and maybe he believes that I took advantage of him too - and that's probably true. Holding grudges though I realize is the worst thing you can do - it taints your trust in people - and I believe we shouldn't lose trust in people.

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You brought up some good points. Please keep in mind that some "friends" only like you while you're down or need you until they rise up. You were a good friend in poverty...but not in prosperity. I know how you feel because I've been there, too.

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Moesky, yes it is a tricky question - to bring out thoughtful comments like yours. I wholeheartedly agree with your observations and insights and visited your profile page. Thanks.

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   Thewriterlives27posted 11 years ago

   yes you find yourself giving,giving,giving and all they do is take,take,take. but who needs friends like that.!

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      That is to understand, Thewriterlives27. Thank you for participating.

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   lburmasterposted 11 years ago

   Constantly. I be a good friend, and then feel miserable and used. So I run back to my books and forget the incident ever happens.

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Please understand, I am not wanting to be nosy or preachy.... just wondering, do you feel that forgetting the incident works for you? Can you process it that way, or does it get buried and work against you? Just published a hub about it.

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      70 years from now, your obituary will accurately portray you as a warm-hearted, intelligent, and caring woman, who was an amazing wife, mother, neighbor and friend.  Please do not allow cold-hearted people to cool your warm, loving heart.

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      lburmasterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Positive psychology, Sledge. Usually helps. If the comment can't be pushed back, I analyze the bully or friend to try and understand why they did that. It sometimes helps for future use. Yes, I feel it works.

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   Rhonda_Mposted 11 years ago

   I have in the past made myself more available to people than they were to me, so I can say that many times my genuine concern and support went unreciprocated.,
   
   It is a sad comment that many people are quite self absorbed and have a "what's in it for me attitude" about a lot of things.
   
   Looking back on it, I also see I had a tendency to "give' in order to "get" and often got disappointed. . These days, I try to exercise a bit more discernment. There a difference between an act of kindness and one that drains you and robs you of your good intentions. In other words, it's about setting boundaries. So, I've learned to extend myself without expectations in some situations  And I've also learned to say no in others.
   
   It's a life long process.

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Great answer. I've also seen how being used way my responsibility. I could have said 'no' or communicated clearly. And I have seen how others perceived my actions as using them when I felt I was being a generous friend. It *is* a life long process!

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Rhonda...you have learned well. But, please continue doing good deeds, because it is a tonic for your soul and gives hope to humanity.

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      Rhonda_Mposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Here's a bit more that summarizes what I said. It came over the electronic transom today
      
      Give.
      But don't allow yourself to be used.
      Love.
      But don't allow your heart to be abused.
      Trust, but don't be naive.
      Listen to others,
      But don't lose your own v

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      Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Can we see the rest of that quote? The character limit cut it off.

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      Rhonda_Mposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I believe the last part is
      "Trust your own voice".
      I believe it's important to take the high road and be kind where possible unless it compromises you in someway.

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   Emanate Presenceposted 11 years ago

   Muchos mahalo to all for responding.
   
   This question came out of a title provided by Hubpages, 'How to be a Kind Friend Without Getting Taken Advantage Of.' This week I published a hub by that name.
   
   It was a profitable learning experience to write the hub, as the subject was something I'd not before given much thought to. By focusing attention on memories and processing them with expanded awareness, I had new realizations about some of my life experiences.
   
   Referring to one of my stories in the hub, "At that time my compassion was not balanced by having an equal sense of value for myself."
   
   Also, "it is okay to extend 'kindness with conditions' ..."
   
   And, "The other side of this has been to look at myself in times when people have been a kind friend to me..."
   
   Soon the chapter of 2012 will close and the new chapter of 2013 will open. With your permission, "May the New Year bring out more of who you truly are."

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    Bretsukiposted 11 years ago

    Yes and no.
    
    Sometimes I have felt taken advantage of by someone I have helped out.
    
    But when I do think that way I think of all the times when someone has helped me and I have not repaid them personally.
    
    The teachers at school, nurses and doctors, soldiers, sailors and airmen who have all helped me to live in a free country. Maybe the person I helped might be like me and just do something for someone else in good spirits.

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       Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       I love the balanced view.

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       Moeskyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       My sentiments exactly. Well said.

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    JRScarbroughposted 11 years ago

    Too many times to really count. People can be narcissistic and only think of their well being. Younger people usually do this kind of thing but some adults are known to be like this. I’ve been used in everything from a place to stay, my film equipment to dinner every evening. I have a kind heart mostly and feel responsible for my friends. It only gets bad when they’re using all that up and then treat me foul in some way.

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       CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       You sound like a wonderful friend to have, JR. In my travels and within my experience, many of the same children who took advantage of their friends and relatives in their youth continue to do it as adults. Many cannot break free from the mold.

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    arksysposted 11 years ago

    on many occasions ... I know when its about to happen yet I let it happen and sometimes it turns into a vicious cycle...
    
    I do feel that i've taken advantage of friends in the past though so in a way i understand why the person wants to take advantage of me which is why i let them do it again and again...
    
    its all good ... no hard feelings at all. i'm just glad i could help when i could.

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       Emanate Presenceposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Letting go makes it go smoother. Seems you are finding your way.

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    tamarawilhiteposted 11 years ago

    That threshold is reached when charity or generosity becomes an assumption or presumed right by the receiver.

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       CJ Sledgehammerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       Indeed. It is as if some people think they are so special they are entitled to your generosity...as if they are doing you a favor. Go figure!!!

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