Just Found Out My Husband Is Hooked On Prescription Drugs What Do I

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  1. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Do ? Gee this has been going on for like 5 years or so and I had no clue at all, I take care of his mother with altzheimers and just started doing taxes again , well, I lost my job cause he went nuts and pulled all my hair out and I didnt really perform too well at work the first couple days so they thought I was incompetent, now , I quit giving him money and he is like freaking out , but I dont have the money for it I need it for food , he has been lying about money and why he wants it and I belived him, cause I trusted him , money came missing out of my purse and he blamed it on my teenage daughter , I dont have anywhere to go at the moment and so I am home , listening to him freak out and my teenage kids and my mother in law with altzheimers , I cant protect them from this right now and this is scary to me , in my state if you call the cops they take you both , then they will take my kids and my mother in law away should I just give him the food money and let him go get his dope for now or what?

    1. AEvans profile image72
      AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You need to get him into a rehab center his actions are far beyond your control, see if there is a place where you can take your children and your mother-in-law until he gets the assistance that he needs. We have Sojourner here start making phone calls, call friends, family whatever it takes but get out of there do not put yourself into jeopardy or harms away. He should not have ever pulled your hair! That is also abusive! Hope this helps but do not give him your food money for his addiction you will be enabling him.

    2. profile image0
      Brenda Durhamposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      What do you mean the cops will take you both?
      What law is that?

      Prosecute him for attacking you,  or else call the cops and have him put in the psych ward so he might get some help or something.....
      Aren't those possibilities?

      1. starme77 profile image76
        starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        not really , when your hooked on drugs you have to want help and he denies he does anything wrong , the law here in Oregon is if you call the cops for a domestic dispute, which is what they will call it , they will arrest both of you. If that happens my children and my mother in law will be takes as there will be no one to care for them , so , calling the cops is out see

        1. wyanjen profile image70
          wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          That's hard to believe!... wow

          There must be a hotline of some type that you could call for support and help without any legal intervention...

          take care starme, and most importantly be safe!!

        2. kirstenblog profile image78
          kirstenblogposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          That is seriously F*ed up! mad

        3. profile image0
          A Texanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I don't know how this turned out but I can assure you there is no law in any State that gives the Police the right to arrest both parties involved in a domestic dispute unless both parties are guilty of a crime!

    3. Cagsil profile image71
      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this


      Leave the house with your children, find a location to take them. Then, make a phone call from another place to the State, to remove him, as an unfit father due to drug addiction. Make sure you have some place to stay, to do this.

      He won't likely let you call from the house, should you try to talk to him about it. It could get violent, and wouldn't recommend it.

      Once he has been taken into custody, then put his mother in a hospital, since he will not be able to challenge it, due to his addiction.

      Then you shouldn't have a problem going home. However, I highly recommend, not staying their long, if at all possible.

      Now- this is only one option. The other option is to determine how much you really want your marriage to work out and what level of trust has been violated?

      You could stand by him and support him, by not giving him the money. This could have mixed results- he could get violent? Depending how long he has been without?

      Remind him you want him to be a part of your life and you're willing to overlook his short-comings, but the addiction is going to make you homeless or both, homeless and starving? If he doesn't get help?

      Make him, look in your eyes, when you're talking to him. You have to be able to see if he is being sincere or simply just saying the words. Then, make any further decision from there.

      That's the best advice I can offer. smile

      1. Daniel Carter profile image62
        Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        I married a prescrip abuser. In the first year of marriage (and the only year) I took her to ER 15 times. The harsh lesson was that I enabled her, despite trying to help. She claimed she was in constant pain, and therefore was always shopping Drs for prescrips to help her. It was one of the worst years of my life. Because of her biochemical instability, there were horrible battles. I had the cops at the house 4 times. One of the last times, they pressed charges against her for assaulting me. However, rather than her going to jail, I voluntarily left the house, but because I did that I was treated as a criminal.

        This is nothing to mess with. If he's been doing this for years, then he will stop at nearly nothing for his addiction. If you can prove his addiction, then call the cops and ask questions about what you should based on local laws. If you have evidence, make sure you document and keep the evidence safe.

        You must be strong and you MUST play hardball. If he lulls you into believing that he won't do it anymore, don't believe it. He will, until he goes to rehab. And since he is in denial, I would strongly urge you to do as cags said and get out of there. Just pack the essentials and leave when he's not there. And if he contacts you tell him you have zero tolerance for his denial and his prescrip abuse.

        This is tough crap, but if you're not tough about handling it, he might be able to turn the laws against you.

        I lost EVERYTHING. My home, my belongings--all of it. Learn from my mistakes.

        Wishing you the best.

    4. profile image0
      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      hey starme...i was just thinking about you the other day and only now read this ;_;

      i know it sounds harsh but you can't save everyone. do you have ANY relative you can go to? i know it is very hard with children in tow. you will have to leave your MIL behind but call the authorities and tell them what is going on with her and once you get your life on track you can care for her again. sad

      here is the number to a domestic violence shelter in your area: (800) 622-3782

      even if they won't take you in, they can give you answers that will help and tell you where to call or go to find assistance of some kind.

      if you decide to stay, continue to do what you are doing, which is protecting yourself and your children. you need to tell someone outside of Hubpages..a family member. someone. my heart hurts reading this. you're so sweet and i had no idea this was happening to you.

      stay strong.

    5. profile image0
      Deborah Sextonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Opiate addiction is the worst kind. When an addict doesn't have it their body hurts tremendously. It is no longer for pleasure or to help their pain such as from a bad back etc. it is so they can feel normal.

      If you can get him to rehab..don't allow them to give him Methadone.
      Instead have him take Subutex. They will give that to him the first time then he will be put on Suboxin.

      He should wait until he is in mild withdrawals from the Opiates before taking the Subutax or he will go into sudden very painful withdrawals that will last anywhere from 8-12 hours. Waiting till he is in mild withdrawals from the Opiates will ensure his withdrawals started by the Subutex will last only about 4 hours and they will be much milder. Once the withdrawals go away they won't come back.
      Since he has been on them sooo long he may go through a few months of weakness.....But he shouldn't stay on the Suboxin too long either otherwise it could turn into a lifelong treatment.

      The absolute best way to be detoxed from Opiates is by being put under Anesthesia..but it costs anywhere from $5,000.00-$10,000.00.

      Opiates rot the teeth from the inside out. Suddenly teeth start to break one by one...

      1. Hokey profile image60
        Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        I went cold turkey. It gets worse every time. When I detoxed for the last time it took me 7 days. Starme77 I am so glad to hear from you. I was wondering what happened to you. Be careful.        sucks and when you don't have it it feels like someone is crushing your bones. You do anything to get better. Meth makes people psychotic. Hearing voices, paranoia, hallucinations. Unfortunately I have alot of experential knowledge. Take care.

        1. profile image0
          Deborah Sextonposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          7 days to detox from Opiates..wow what a miracle.
          You're one in a million then.

          1. Hokey profile image60
            Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Very hard. Wanted to be done with it . The doctors wanted to put me on meds for depression but I wouldn't let them. I know some people need it but I just felt that I didn't want to be dependent on anything. I hit bottom so hard that it was either get busy dying or get busy living. I chose living. I do everyday. Now I try to help others and set an example. Just wish my brother would have made the same decision. Not everyone makes it. I am a miracle.

  2. Mamelody profile image60
    Mamelodyposted 14 years ago

    Gee honey sounds like your life needs a complete makeover.. Sign up for counselling as that's what you need.

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      signing up for counseing is not going to help my current situation , but thanks for the advice anyway

  3. Misha profile image64
    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    Shit, sorry to hear this Star. I really have no idea what people do in such cases in this country, but my thoughts are with you. You'll make it girl, one way or another. smile

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Misha , Thats what I needed to hear smile

  4. livewithrichard profile image72
    livewithrichardposted 14 years ago

    Give him the money then tomorrow take whatever he has of value and go pawn it. Let him know that his actions are going to cause his own mother to go live in a state hospital. You need someone to intervene and soon.

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Nice idea smile I like that

  5. AEvans profile image72
    AEvansposted 14 years ago

    That law is ridiculous! My husband is from Oregon when did that law go into effect? That is absolutely nuts, how is a woman supposed to protect herself?

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I guess she isn't , but I am pretty strong and he knows if I go off on him he will be in the hospital , so he has chilled on putting his hands on me for now hes just going nuts, every time he starts yelling I just leave , but I worry about my mother in law so I dont stay gone long , she knows her diamond ring is in my shoe cause he wants it bad , she may have altzheimers but she is pretty smart , hes not gettin his hands on it though he keeps asking, hell ....he just wants to pawn it for drugs is all I'll bet

    2. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      they made that law a long time ago

  6. profile image0
    Brenda Durhamposted 14 years ago

    Is there anyone in your life, a Pastor or someone you know, who might have an influence on him, that you can ask to talk to him?

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      No , see over the past five years he has belittled and complained about all my friends , anyone I talk to , and made his own little click of friends that he dosnt want me to talk to , I have pretty much become a recluse , off to myself , I have no friends because he wouldnt really let me , he , I finally figured out , has severly mentally abused me to the point I started wondering what was wrong with me , and just stayed to myself

      1. donotfear profile image82
        donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        Yes honey, he's isolated you. That's what abusers do. It's nothing wrong with you, it's all him. Go please while you still have your sanity. Or wait till he goes to sleep in his little drug induced wonderland.

        1. starme77 profile image76
          starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          me , my kids and my mother in law , he refuses to take her anywhere , refuses to let my kids have friends over,  It is sadennig to me what he has done , I dont feel guilty or bad I just feel he has robbbed me of many years of my life , and its saddening to me , also shocking and scary having to pick up my life and start over , I can do it I know , but damn this is scary

          1. AEvans profile image72
            AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You can do it , just believe in yourself. smile

            1. starme77 profile image76
              starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

              Thanks for the vote of confidence smile  I started writing on hub pages and was so happy to have found some people to talk to ,  you guys really have been all I have talked to in a long long time, habee is fun and makes me laugh and Misha is a total trip smile and its been fun meeting people here its helped me to come out of that shell he has put me in smile Thanks to all the hubbers out there who are my friends I really appreiciate it:)

          2. donotfear profile image82
            donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            We've given our advice...please take it. Domestic violence prevention, Adult protective services.  You can find it in the phone book for the Domestic Violence shelter...Adult protective services may be under DHS (Dept. Of Human Service)
            Gotta get in action..nothing is ever gonna change as long as you continue doing the same thing you've always done. The unknown is scary, but the possible outcome of your situtation is scarier.

  7. donotfear profile image82
    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    Take the kids...teens...get the heck outta there NOW...Call your domestic violence prevention number..NOW......find out where the shelter is. If you can get to a safe place with the kids they can pick you up, usually. Then call Adult Protective Services tonight. Tell em your mother in law has Alzheimers, her son went whacko, you left the house for safety, now somebody needs to rescue the mother.  He's out of control and his aggressive behavior is substance induced. That's very dangerous. I see this all the time. Go now please.  The resources are there, you just gotta find em and get transportation, get a safety plan to get outta there before he takes you for everything, maybe your life or your kids due to his substance abuse.

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I hid the bullets and the gun a couple of days ago - he wont find em  no way ,  I dont want my kids to lose everything , I am scared mostly for that and for the confusion my mother in law is going through, she's old and vulnerable , I have been taking care of her now for almost 2 years I cant just up and leave her here with that nut job , he dosnt take care of her he just confuses her , its like, she is my mother , I know its sounds weird , but If I go I gotta take her too, I looked into some public assisted housing and , she can go on medicaid and they will pay me to care for her , its just gonna take a bit of time to get through all of the paperwork, but for now , with him periodicallly freaking out, he;s driving me nuts

  8. efeguy profile image41
    efeguyposted 14 years ago

    if you are christian keep praying,see a counsellor

    but you have to take him to rehab center,if he refuse

    i think you have to work away.

  9. Flightkeeper profile image68
    Flightkeeperposted 14 years ago

    Starme, is there a phone number that you can call where you can consult with a legal person to help you plan a strategy?  It sounds like your state is very unhelpful to battered wives, battered in the emotional sense, and you need more information to determine your next step.

  10. ddsurfsca profile image70
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    Alright, this is a bit of a predicament for you and him.   Do you know what kind of prescription he has been taking?
         I have been there myself, for years and the advice you have gotten so far will none of it work.  He is going through a hell himself right now.  If he has been cut off of the drugs, he is feeling like he has the swine flu, only with more symptoms.  There is nothing like the pain you go through with withdrawls.  That is why he is taking it out on you.  He needs to get to a clinic, like a methadone clinic.  His troubles will be over until he can deal with the mental and emotional reasons he chose to do what he did.  Does he have physical pain?  or why did he begin taking the pills to start with.
        I would suggest that you not be confrontational about it, it is not a problem that is going to be solved by jail, and if you call the police you stand a good chance of going to jail yourself possibly.
        I dont know what kind of person he is  normally, but is he normally easy to talk to?  If so, get him alone, and tell him that he has gotten himself into a fix.  He needs to go to a doctor, or the methadone clinic, or if nothing else, to the emergency room.  Depending on what and how much he has been taking, going through a cold turkey withdrawl can cause you to go into convulsions, and all kinds of problems.  If you want to talk to someone about this further, and you should, you can email me at dbsurfsca@netzero.com and I would be glad to help you guys through this, it is not an uncommon thing, it isn't his fault - he probably had no idea of the results he was headed for, and there is simple solutions --don't panic you guys will get through it ok

    1. Daniel Carter profile image62
      Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Star said he is in denial. Therefore, trying to talk and reason with him will NOT work. She needs to get out of there, and let him figure out what his next move is. If he wants help, he has to be willing to accept it and ask for it. She can't force that on him. So getting out will force him to figure what he has to do next, because talking through it is obviously NOT going to help.

      For what it's worth.

      1. starme77 profile image76
        starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        Thanks Daniel smile

  11. IzzyM profile image87
    IzzyMposted 14 years ago

    Awww Star!
    If I lived in Oregan I would invite you all over to live with me until he got sorted out.
    I've no idea of the laws in the US but if this happened in Britain, you don't have to go straight to the cops, you could go to Social Services for help. You got teenagers in the house to think about plus your poor mother-in-law. They would help find you all alternative accommodation and would encourage you to talk to a domestic violence police officer.
    Here in Spain, all you would have to do in go to the police and put in a denuncia against him, and the police draw up a protection order, get it signed by the courts the same day, and he is OUT! With this order, the police will physically remove him from the house and ban him from going within 500 metres of you or the house, and they'll jail him immediately if he breaks that order.
    Are you sure in Oregan it is the way you described? Or did he tell you that? (about the police arresting you too)

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      ya know I have  heard that where you live is one of the nicest places to be ,  more people show concern and comassion and understanding wish I could say the same about the U.S

    2. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      That's a good question.  Another question is did his attempts at isolating you start before his addiction?  You probably wouldn't get an honest answer if you asked him, but I wouldn't mind betting that the answer is "yes".  In which case, dealing with his addiction (by rehab) probably isn't going to make any difference to his treatment of you.

      Good luck.

      1. starme77 profile image76
        starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        what the hell do you mean by that , excuse my language but .... please elaberate

        1. TheGlassSpider profile image64
          TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          It means if he hurt you once, he'll do it again. It means you and your children and your mother-in-law are in danger that could potentially lead to death. It means you need to be taking any steps necessary to get help for yourself and your children. And it means that you have been misinformed about the law. It means that anyone with a sense of justice who knew enough about your situation would have already called DHHR in your state and sent investigators to figure out what services you and your family need. Call the police or DHHR anonymously if you have to.

          If what you say is true, then you and your children are in danger; you and your children have already been--and are being--harmed. Get yourself and your children out. Now.

        2. profile image0
          EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I missed your question when you originally posted it a month ago.  Hope you're OK. 

          Rephrasing my question: "Which happened first: (a) your husband's addiction or (b) his attempts to isolate you from your friends and family?"

          I suspect it might be (b).  So even if he went to rehab/counselling, his treatment of you is probably not going to change.

          1. starme77 profile image76
            starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            your right , its b

  12. ddsurfsca profile image70
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    any drug addict will accept the help of more drugs when in a withdrawl, and if he has been cut off from whatever his supply has been, he can have convulsions, and even kidney damage and organ shutdown.
        As far as anybody saying that being a drug addict makes you an unfit parent you can go read a  book.  I was an addict for 25 years, maintained two jobs and raised my kids by myself so that is misinformation of the worst kind.
       It all depends on whether the marraige is worth saving or not,  but either way, getting this medical problem under some sort of control is a must.  I am very sure that if she just found out and there has been fighting, then suddenly some understanding comes and the promise of help, not to quit but help to first control the physical problems, with drugs, he might just listen

    1. Daniel Carter profile image62
      Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I believe you are exactly right, but their are a lot of variables involved here. One of the reasons I believed I could help my new wife is because I went through some life-threatening withdrawals from antidepressants. I understood the process, but she was unwilling to try to get through it at all. She only wanted to be enabled, and I was attacked for not being supportive of her need for meds. It was horrible. But I understand the process well enough to write hubs about withdrawal, along with other hubs on similar subjects.

      I'll tell you, ddsrufsca, I'm SO HAPPY for you, that you were able to pull through all of that. You deserve accolades for what you've been able to do. You are exactly right about compassion, understanding and listening--all of it. But in the end, none of those things worked in the situation I was in. Her illness caused her to perpetrate a lot of deceit, fraud, and coverups. I only hope that she is okay, but will never have contact with her again.

  13. flread45 profile image59
    flread45posted 14 years ago

    Get the man in rehab,or worse things will happen in your life.
    Talking will not change him,because the drug is stronger than your voice.

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I can't get him help if he dosnt want it , I told him I loved him and would help him and showed him where the insurance would pay for it and right now he is lucky enough to have a job where he can go to his boss and tell him his problem and go to rehab , have it paid for and still have a job when he gets out , but..... he just slammed the book in my face and cussed me out .... so , I mean damn ... what the hell can I do , cant force him to go , hes gonna blow what he has , lose his job, lose his insurance and his family and it really angers me because he has the resources right now and is refusing them , just a couple weeeks ago the bosses chewed him out about his performance so, he hasnt got long before he blows it

  14. ddsurfsca profile image70
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    He is really either being stupid or someone isn't understanding what I am talking about....I am not suggesting rehab because he obviously isnt ready and he can only do it when ready, I am suggesting to him a clinic where they will give him a generous dose of medicine every single day, but under a doctors supervision and his insurance should cover it.  He needs to get his mdical problems fixed before anyone can begin to suggest a rehab....rehab never did work for me, and I am clean now, without the rehab...the person has to be ready, but in the meantime we are concerned about a health problem and a legal issue also. He  only has to show up at the clinic daily for his medicine and then go to work, it is a real answer to the problem right now, without anyone having to rehab.

    1. tantrum profile image60
      tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think this the most sensible advise one can give.
      I hope she reads and understands.
      And I hope that this kind of aid  is available in USA.

  15. Williamjordan profile image59
    Williamjordanposted 14 years ago

    Do not be to alarm help is available you shold continue on as normal around him but join alnon they will offer you help and support the next time your Husband talks about getting help than offer to help him and support.I am a recovering addict myself I have been sober four years so be encourage tour husban can recover. I know it's a shock right know but it can be fixed. Best regards ck out my profile page for additional help.

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks guys for all the advice , I screwed up though cause I got mad when he was yelling , and I yelled back , took his pistal and the bullets , he took off to a friends with the rifles so, he may end up shooting himself or me cause he can get his hands on some bullets , pray to the highest spirits , or whatever God is yours for me and my family ,

  16. Misha profile image64
    Mishaposted 14 years ago

    If I were you, I would probably run for my life at that point. With kids and in-law. Now.

  17. tantrum profile image60
    tantrumposted 14 years ago

    If you're in that kind of trouble,what are you doing here ??
    Just run !

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      just pray for me o.k , Thanks

  18. Daniel Carter profile image62
    Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

    Sending best thoughts your way.
    Just be smart and safe. Please keep us posted.

  19. profile image0
    Crazdwriterposted 14 years ago

    Jeez Starme hun I am soooo sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I wish I could help, I wish I could give advice but I don't know.. *HUGS* I do hope that someone here has helped you out and things get much better for you.

    Like Daniel said keep us posted on what happens. I'll be praying hard for you chica. and you will definitely be in my thoughts!

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the thoughts and prayers and adivice , I have been alone for so, so, long  and am very happy to know that prayers are with me , thank all of you  for your advice and I will keep you posted , he is gone right now and it has been the first peace I have had in a long time , its quiet, peaceful , my mother in law is relaxing comfortabley and I can actually think ,  Thanks to all of you I finally have someone to confide in  , thanks again for your ecouragement and help smile

  20. sunforged profile image71
    sunforgedposted 14 years ago

    I was just scanning through Oregon Domestic Dispute laws...Oregon is one of many states that does require an arrest for such a call..I cant find anything that says that both parties must be arrested anywhere in the USA! 

    Did he tell you that? I know what is put on paper and what is actually practiced can be really different, but the practice you describe sounds like something people say to battered women to keep them from exposing them.

    You wouldnt have to call for a domestic complaint anyway...how about abusing the elderly, illegal possession of scrips? are the handguns registered? how about endangering the welfare of a minor?

    It sounds like an imminently dangerous situation, I think you need to do whatever is required to seperate children, yourself and the mother in law from whatever danger presents itself.

    worry about rehab/recovery etc for the currently dangerous individual when he is safely removed from being able to hurt anyone.

    I hope your long gone by now...if I had any idea who you were every possible agency would already be knocking on your door

    Those that are capable of violence against women have a 99% recidivsm rate...they are not wired right, there is no healing, or recovery once he shows he is an abuser you can know in your heart and in science that he will always be an abuser

  21. sunforged profile image71
    sunforgedposted 14 years ago

    Yes, that is what I meant. Women who are in abusive relationships tend to have VERY similar stories as yours. It never ends well, at this time its probably impossibly hard to take the necessary steps to separate yourself from the situation, there is very little one can do with a keyboard..so I hope that you just focus on protecting your children and mother in law as you are the most capable and responsible one in your household.

    You probably have been isolated from your friends over time (at least that is the norm with abusers) and dont feel like you have many people to turn to...but that is probably not true, your friends, even if time has past would gladly do anything they could to extradite you from your current situation. Most humans and many agencies would do whatever is necessary to make you safe right now.

    Its not the drug abuuse and lies that comes off as scary its the abuse that you have been put through..and it seems most of us here would love to hear that you are well safe from any further harm

  22. prettydarkhorse profile image63
    prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

    Oh I only read this now, I hope things are bit ok for you now, do the right thing -- and the right thing is always think of your teen age child first, what this scenario and enviroment meant to your child...

    do the right thing for your baby  --

    Take care

  23. sunforged profile image71
    sunforgedposted 14 years ago

    Ive been hoping to see some sort of follow up on this thread from starme also. Its been 4 weeks since her final post and  any other activity on this site

  24. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Hey guys , thanks so much for all of your help , I issued a restraining order a couple of weeks ago , he hasn't responded or tried to fight it , the judge gave him 1 hour a week supervised visitation with the kids, but he hasn't done that either, I changed the locks, and took a whole lot of other safety precautions, and have been to the doc since I have found tons of girls numbers and ids around here, I am waiting for std results and , since he gave me the date rape drug, well, thats been confirmed , the guy is dangerous and seriously wigged out on heroin and meth and God only knows what else , me , the kids and my mother in law are doing better for now smile

    1. TheGlassSpider profile image64
      TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      {{{BIG HUGS}}} Thank GOD!! I am so glad to hear that you have taken steps to get help, get out of there, and get to healing. You have no idea how many women don't. Stay strong!

      I'm so glad you came back to let us know. So glad you're going to be okay. I'm so so sorry for everything you've been through; I can't even imagine what it must be like. Make sure to stay connected with friends and family--get yourself a good support group or therapist that you can talk  from time to time--you are NEVER alone--even when feels like you are.

      So glad to have you back.

  25. rebekahELLE profile image85
    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    I am happy to hear you are doing better!! wow, so glad you took action. we have been wondering how you are.  I can't imagine how you feel, but you must feel much better to be away from him. things will get better for you now that you took those steps. be well and continue to be strong. we're here for you. smile

  26. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    I do have to take my daughter in for some testing also as I suspect her having been drugged as well I just have to take all of this crazy crap one thing at a time so I dont lose my mind, and I did find out I do have friends , the isolation thing is true , been on the phone with my real dad , who I met when I was 30, we had hit it off really good and could have had a wonderful relationship until my druggie husband helped to destroy it, but, after getting him out of here, one phone call was all it took and my Dad is comming from Washington in a couple weeks:) I cant wait to see him again , its been 7 years , comming out of isolation is fun smile smile

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Fantastic news - nice one.

  27. sunforged profile image71
    sunforgedposted 14 years ago

    Im so happy to hear things are doing better! This unconcluded thread was worrisome.

  28. rebekahELLE profile image85
    rebekahELLEposted 14 years ago

    that is wonderful news starme. that will be amazing to see your father. I hope everything will be fine with the test results.
    just focus on each day and what you must do, try not to dwell on the past. I'm glad you have friends and family to help you and spend time with you. it sounds like your support system is expanding. {{hugs}}

  29. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    thanks rebechahl and sunforged sorry to worry anyone, he broke the computer when he freaked out, I had another one , but, too many things to do , I dont believe he has done anything bad to my daughter yet, but just knocked everone out in the house while he did bad things to me , Thankd God I caught that in time or my daughter would have been next, I had so much to do to safeguard everyone and get some food in this house that I just didn't get back to the computer , but I did take all the advice everyone gave me and ran with it smile Thanks so much everyone for your help and kind words smile I look at the positive , damn , do I got alota hubbs to write smile smile

  30. IzzyM profile image87
    IzzyMposted 14 years ago

    Starme, you go girl! I think everyone here must be so relieved to hear you've got shot of him and are getting your life back. Absolutely brilliant! Big sighs of relief all round.. smile smile

  31. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    woops, see, sorry , guess I should explain a bit further, he had been doing what you call speedballing me , crank in my coffee and heroin and date rape drugs when he wanted me down, I have lost 20 pounds in 2 months , the cops said thats a direct sign of drugging , I went whoa , what the hell, looked around my house and realized it was a tweaker house, well, my brother is homeless drug addict on the streets , so, I took some of the drugs I found down to some homeless drug addicts to confirm thats what they were and sure enough thats what they were, who would know better than a drug addict smile Anyway , since I was adopted two times in my life and molested as a child I am pretty good at getting through things like this. I can do it, it just surprises the hell out of me that a person can be married to another for 20 years and not even rally know them. But this asshole met me when I was 17 and he was 24 and divorced and had been on drugs, well I was comming out of being emotionally, and physically abused so, he knew exactly how to play that one, so, he took a beautiful 17 year old girl on her way to college and getting above the abuse as a child, gained her trust and, I'll be damned if the next 20 years of my life wasnt the exact same as my childhood, son of a bitch, what the hell? Surprising, well, not really, Am I pissed, yeah , you bet I am! Over the last two weeks, the tweaker neighbor friends of his moved their drug lab and I got to watch and laugh , I didnt move from my house , they moved their drug lab, ya Damned right smile Cause thats me I'm a bitch like that. The cops watched em move the whole thing and are watching them all the time so too bad for the druggies , I heard a song once it says "I'll stand my ground, and I wont back down" I think its a country song but it describes me to a tee! When I look at domestic violence and  talk with my newrape counsler its always , make a plan to leave, screw that, what the hell? I'm not the one who is leaving my house I didnt do anything , they can get the hell out:) I love it!

  32. livewithrichard profile image72
    livewithrichardposted 14 years ago

    You sound stronger and more focused Starme77.  Good for you and I know you're strong enough to get where you need to be.

  33. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Thanks, I did go through some emotional ruff patches but I had to remember what I learned growing up , see criminals have something to lose, if someone points a gun to your head, you got a problem, but, so do they, they don't want to be seen and they don't want to be heard and they are in a hurry , now, they need you to panick, which is exactly what most people do. Now they have control see, O.k that is not how to handle it. When this dude held a knife to my throat a few years back , I took his hand, and shoved it right back at his throat, thats right, thats how ya do it, now I was in control and he was scared shitless:) its hard not to panick in situations and I did at first with this one , but once I remembered a criminals mind I took control , he still wants to kill me, but he will catch hell trying, my first mother who adopted me, she was killed over drugs at exactly the same age I am now, ironic isn't it

  34. Lynda Gary profile image60
    Lynda Garyposted 14 years ago

    Such a difficult life you've had.  Glad to hear it is starting to improve.  I'm sending you an email...  Hope you take a minute to read my profile; you'll understand why if you do.

  35. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Ill read it and thanks , right now I have to get my mother in law up and get her a shower , but I'll be back around a bit later smile

  36. Arthur Fontes profile image74
    Arthur Fontesposted 14 years ago

    I heard a song once it says "I'll stand my ground, and I wont back down" I think its a country song but it describes me to a tee!

    Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers – I Won't Back Down ♫ http://blip.fm/~mq7ar

    Here is your song....

  37. Daniel Carter profile image62
    Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

    You've had some very bad crap, star, but you are more than a survivor. You've learned the tough lessons and you've got the power you need to change your life and protect yourself and your loved ones.

    You totally rock, girl. Nothin' to stop you. I know I can speak for all of us: we are damned proud of you.

    So glad you are okay, despite the ongoing difficulty. It will change and get better. You'll make sure of it.

  38. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    thanks for the song link , God I love that song smile And Thanks Danielle I appreciate you a ton smile

  39. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Today Was fun! Found a whole lot more family:) and guess what? they were all glad to hear from me smile

    1. IzzyM profile image87
      IzzyMposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I bet they were! 20 years is a long time. You now have your life back, but with baby steps and the love and support of your family, you'll recover from this, you are one hell of strong person!

  40. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    Thanks Izzy and yes 20 years is a long time , and at 38 in 20 I'll be 58 , so I got a long time of fun and love to look forward to and that makes me happy smile

  41. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    its the beginning of spring break and thngs were finally geting better , but today I recieved a notice from the court , the jerk is challenging my restraining order , got a lawyer , i got the letter for this today about 2 when i got my mail, court is on mon morning at nine so , no time for me to get a lawyer , I have the ball of hair he pulled out of my head and the docs notes and a sall video or two of hi acting nuts , what judge in their right mind would let him back in my house? Oh crap this is one stressful weekend , I did look up his weird lawyer and hes like strange , into sluts and stuff , didnt think people like that could be lawyers , his social network sites talk about weird stuff, god this gets worse ever time i turn around

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Yikes!  Good luck - hope the video does the trick.  You said you'd recently got back in touch with some of your family/old friends - might be an idea to alert them to the situation.  I don't know if they'd be any practical use but you never know.  Have you also thought about alerting the local police as well, so that they're briefed in advance in case your husband manages to overturn the restraining order and tries to get into your house?

  42. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    I have been thinking about that, and yes I need to talk with them about it because some of his drug stuff is still in the garage , and the tweaker neighbors are his friends and they do drugs too, shit I cant wait to move out of this crappy neighborhood, my daughter and I are planning on selling post cards to raise some money to get outta here, she takes really good pics , so we thought we could make up some post cards of Oregon and sell them for like, donations of what people think they are worth and maybe that will help to raise us enough to  move away

  43. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    The lady at the  DA office dosnt seem to think he will win , all I have to do is tell the truth, she said his lawyer will try to make me be a liar but as long as i am telling the truth , he cant , but I'm still bothered this guy is seriously crazy as hell , he makes himself appear so good and calm and sweet but behind closed doors .. out comes the monster , freaky as hell i tell ya its like a split personality disorder or something

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      He sounds like a dyed-in-the-wool psychopath.  Does the description below ring any bells?


  44. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    OMG - Exactly - Holy Shit this IS if freaky - the description of a psycopath on your link is exactly it! EXACTLY ... I think my stomach is feeling pretty sick at the moment, thanks for the link , but I have to go puke now

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think of psychopaths as parasites in search of a host - they don't interact with people in a normal way, they just look for someone to feed off - emotionally, financially or whatever.  You were his host for years.  Sorry about the gross medical analogy, but it's something to bear in mind if he ever tries to worm(!) his way back into your life.

      I've always had a theory that people who have had to deal with cr*p in childhood are more likely to be preyed on by psychopaths, because psychopaths are able to spot tiny, almost imperceptible signs of psychological vulnerability.

      If I'm honest, it's why I have avoided going down the marriage and children route myself - I think I might well have ended up with such a man.  I'm not sure if I'd have had the resources to cope with that.

      God, what a cheerful post that was :snort:

      1. starme77 profile image76
        starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        You nailed it , Wow, what a shock, I did always think of psychopaths as someone like jeffry dahmer or something , but I have leared something new here and your absolutly correct, it was freaky when I read your link , its just so hard to believe this has happed to me, but , it has , and now I just gotta deal with it and move on

      2. starme77 profile image76
        starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

        your theory is right, I learned in child development years ago that children tend to grow up and end up in the same situation as their childhood, it was a class on breaking the cycle, thats why it surprises me so much that it happeded to me , shit I went through so much counseling as a youngster and so many child develpment classes when I was planning to be a teacher , but , it did happen to me, he was 24 I was 17 , he was divorced and had done drugs, he made me feel loved and I trusted him, then, he took over  the next 20 years of my life, tried to beat me up when I was pregnant and all kinds of things are comming to mind now , its like a lightbulb came on in my brain and my eyes opened all of a sudden and I was like in shock asking myself what the hell has happend to me , and accepting that it had and moving on to deal with it

  45. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    omg now what do I do?

  46. KCC Big Country profile image85
    KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

    I would be careful revealing too much of your gameplan here.  This forum can be read by anyone.  I understand wanting support and everyone here at HP is great at giving it, but just be careful is all I'm saying.

    1. profile image0
      EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Good point, didn't think of that.

  47. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    ok so , anyone who has any ideas and stuff shoot me a private e-mail k thanks

  48. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    I really gotta go get my mother in law into bed now  , shes tired and its getting late so, thanks everyone , look forward to some help on this , night , smile

  49. ddsurfsca profile image70
    ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

    You haven't solved this problem yet?  It might appear to someone looking on from afar that maybe you like this situation, for you had all the advice and opportunity to do something about this  dangerous man several months ago when we talked about it.  It was a big suprise, and he was going to hurt you and the kids, and the whole cha cha, what happened.  I wondered why you quit writing me.  I thought maybe you moved and had not gotten your computer back onlne or
    something.  I think that you would do well to go talk to a therapist yourself.  I think that you have either been around crazy too long, or some of the drugs have absorbed through your skin.  You told me that you cleaned his stuff up from the garage.  What gives.  I have thought about what happened to you many times.  Why didn't you let me know?

    1. starme77 profile image76
      starme77posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I did do everything you said in your e-mails to me , none of it worked , but I spent a month trying and , then did the restraining order , and its only been 3 weeks since I did the restraining order, prior to that I was doing what you said in trying to save him I guess, but he refused the help and things got really really bad , he didnt want methadone , he didnt want help - and thats why it has taken so long , I know you were trying to help , I really took all of your advice to heart , but looking back  it sounded like you wanted me to help him , like there was some hope for him, so I spent  a month of hell trying, locking myself and my daughter in my bedroom every night , I stopped e-mailing because I realized your advice was just making things worse for me, I didnt absorb drugs accidently through my skin, he put them in my coffee, and any other drink he could find , he speedballed me without my knowledge and fed me the date rape drug, now that I am detoxed from the drugs I can feel my legs and hands and feet again,
      I am setting up counseling for both me and my children we all need it ,  I have a huge balancing act to do here, I have to respect my sons feeling, my daughters feelings and keep a lid on mine for the moment , plus take care of my mother in law and it has taken all of the three weeks to clean up this tweaker house and turn it into a home so things can be peaceful and we can get through this and be a happy family here.

      1. profile image0
        cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

        JESUS yikes

        this guy belongs in prison.

        or a mental hospital.

        anyway, starme, you have been dealing with an extremely complicated, tough situation with very little, if any, help outside of this site, so i can understand why it doesn't just get resolved in the blink of an eye. no one has the right to expect you to jump on their advice, or even to take it. only you are in that situation and only you know what is best, in the end. does that mean you shouldn't ask people what they think? no. many times listening to others helps you formulate a plan of action.

        good luck and stay safe, ok?

  50. starme77 profile image76
    starme77posted 14 years ago

    ya got that right, he is nuts , he is so good at making me feel stupid, and making others think I am a bad person and that he is so great, he is a psychopath I am convinced now , I am going to file a police report, but first, I have to deal with this court thing in the morning, I did find some of my old friends and that has been very helpful to me , my Dad is comming to see me and I have not seen him in seven years, we met when I was thirty and we had alot of fun together for a few weeks until that relationship was trashed on, I am looking forward to having that relationship again and am enjoying talking to a few old friends also , Thanks for your support and I just hope and pray things go good for me in court tomorrow, I cant see why someone would fight a restraining order and want to come back into my house when I clearly do not want him here , but we'll just see how it goes in the morning


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