Why do men say they want confident women and then leave them for needy women?

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  1. SylviaSky profile image92
    SylviaSkyposted 11 years ago

    Why do men say they want confident women and then leave them for needy women?

    It's happened so many times I can't count: He leaves his brave and loving steady for a bipolar alcoholic, drug addict, emotionally weak or emotionally damaged woman. So why are women told that men think confidence is a woman's most attractive trait?

  2. nightwork4 profile image61
    nightwork4posted 11 years ago

    i don't think i've ever saw this happen. we must know people who are completely different. i have seen women leave men who treat them like gold for guys who have more money or are more popular though. i've seen men leave women that are good for women that are more attractive but not for a junkie or the other things you said.

  3. dashingscorpio profile image83
    dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

    Personally I have never known a man or woman for that matter choose someone to date or marry based upon them being an alcoholic, drug addict, bipolar, or emotionally damaged. I suspect that each and everyone of us wants to be with someone who desires us, admires us, makes us feel good when we are with them, and is supportive with regard to our hopes and dreams.
    The vast majority of men I know of are interested in women they are physically attracted to, have a good sense of humor, possess a warm easy going personable personality with a positive attitude, affectionate,....and lets him know she is "into" him.

    The word "confidence" means different things to different people. Some think of it terms of someone who knows what they want and believes they will have it. Others view it as not "needing" anyone and therefore (they don't take an interest in others). Oftentimes these women unintentionally come across as standoffish, lacking warmth, not fun to be with, emotionally guarded, or afraid to fall in love because she doesn't want to risk losing herself. She'd rather think in terms of  (You & Me) than (Us & We).
    Some women see other women who are nurturers, affectionate, thoughtful, and loving towards their men as being weak, needy, or lacking confidence. However (true confidence is being comfortable in your own skin). Staying true to yourself and being willing to let the chips fall where they may requires both (confidence and courage). With over 7 billion people on this planet there are enough men who will find every type of woman attractive. The easy thing to do is to generalize the genders when we don’t get what (we) want. As a man I can assure you we are not all looking for bipolar alcoholic, drug addict, emotionally weak or emotionally damaged women. There are millions upon millions of women who don't fall into that catagory and yet they have husbands or men who are their significant other.

  4. SylviaSky profile image92
    SylviaSkyposted 11 years ago

    By confident women I don't mean standoffish ones. By needy women I don't mean women who are nurturers. I mean women burdened by serious problems. I know no one chooses an alcoholic partner because she's alcoholic, or a narcissist because she's a narcissist, but these women seem like man magnets. I am hoping someone can answer why. Perhaps she's "more fun" because she drinks or takes drugs, or he feels important when a needy one clings, or he likes the challenge of a wild and crazy chick or hopes to make an unhappily married woman happy. Maybe he desires to rescue a woman who seems helpless. It does happen.

    1. dashingscorpio profile image83
      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      SylviaSky, I honestly believe in the beginning when people start seeing each other it's about (having fun). Maybe these men don't realize these women have "serious problems" until after they become emotionally invested in them. Women do this as well

    2. SylviaSky profile image92
      SylviaSkyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I've never met a drug addict or alcoholic who didn't have a boyfriend.

    3. dashingscorpio profile image83
      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      SylviaSky, I'm fairly certain you don't believe (the vast majority of women) who have boyfriends/husbands are drug addicts or alcoholics! Those who are may be fun,flirtatious,sexy,and outgoing. A lot of men want that in a woman.

    4. SylviaSky profile image92
      SylviaSkyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      That is not what I said; but let us leave the question as I am being misinterpreted.

  5. Mazzy Bolero profile image69
    Mazzy Boleroposted 11 years ago

    First, is the supposition correct: do men generally do this? You say you have seen many examples. I admit I have not personally known even one.  Has there been research to confirm that this is a general trend?

    Secondly, what people say they want and what they really want is often completely different. Much of our behavior is dictated by unconscious factors. We might say what we think others will respect - for instance, no guy ever says he wants to marry a bimbo, but quite a few do marry them. Some men say they regard women as equals, when in practice they don't. You have to judge people by their actions, not by what they say.

    Thirdly, some guys do not really have the confidence to have an equal relationship with a strong woman; they need someone weaker to make them feel stronger.  Ironically, this actually proves them weaker, but they don't realize that. They can feel a protective impulse towards the weaker woman, and maybe they need to feel needed.

    Men are competitive by nature and a woman who is efficient and capable can stimulate his competitive rather than caring instincts. We surely all know women who pretend to be helpless and hopeless when their man is around, then turn into a cross between Bodicea and Bob the Builder as soon as he walks out the door. 

    Lastly, some people are 'rescuers'. They can be either sex. They have a mission to save someone. There are numerous examples of women leaving capable men to nurture drug addicts or alcoholics. It's probably themselves they need to save.

    1. dashingscorpio profile image83
      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Your statement: "Secondly, what people say they want and what they really want is often completely different." This is absolutely true! On the flip side we hear of people unhappy in relationships but find reasons not to leave them.

    2. Mazzy Bolero profile image69
      Mazzy Boleroposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, SylviaSky.

  6. Sarah Christina profile image71
    Sarah Christinaposted 11 years ago

    Men who have low self-esteem or a low sense of self worth feel threatened by confident women. This is because women who are confident in themselves are more likely to exit the relationship when they find someone better and are not afraid to be alone (and therefore don't stay, unlike needy women who will often linger in a bad relationship for fear of being alone). In other words, insecure men will seek out insecure women, because they are less likely to leave them.

    In the case of drug addicts or alcoholics, the relationship becomes co-dependent. "Users of a feather flock together." So yes, often addicts do have boyfriends/girlfriends, but it's so they can abuse drugs together and often their relationship is totally dysfunctional. If their partner isn't an addict, they become an enabler thinking they can help or "save" the person, and most of the time this doesn't work.

    Additionally, as I have observed, men will often choose with their hormones first and their brain second. Women who are addicts are usually looser in their morals, more forward, and can easily seduce men. I have sat back and watched more than one decent fellow end up with a crazy, self-destructive addict who almost destroys their life, and yet they don't leave her because they're a good person and feel sorry for them, don't want to just abandon them, etc.

    So really, the answer to your question depends on the man. A good confident man will seek out equally confident woman. However, I would say the majority of people (men and women) are insecure but find ways to hide it and project that they are more confident then they really are. So men do find confidence attractive, that's not a lie. It's just hard finding those men--especially when they trick you into thinking they are confident.

    1. SylviaSky profile image92
      SylviaSkyposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Sarah Christina, there is the thoughtful, non-defensive answer I was looking for! Thank you!!

    2. Mazzy Bolero profile image69
      Mazzy Boleroposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I think you expressed it better than I did, Christina. That's a good point - men can be very attracted to confident women, but not have the confidence themselves to maintain a relationship with them.

  7. Kayla In Texas profile image60
    Kayla In Texasposted 11 years ago

    What a person WANTS and what they have the CAPACITY TO HAVE are usually to very different things.

    When I hear people say "I want, I want, I want...I've learned to say, 'what are you willing to do, or not do, to get what it is that YOU SAY you want.

    1. Sarah Christina profile image71
      Sarah Christinaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I couldn't agree with you more, very good point.

  8. profile image52
    monas1418posted 9 years ago

    Yes!! I can and it has happened to me.. not only did he leave me for her, he married her, this woman was a drunk/junkie and had a rap sheet as long as any US Highway he was very insecure and needy. What I have  learned in life water seeks it's own level!! Its a known fact,  the more needier and insecure the woman is, she will be like bees to honey.. Its been proven. She will never have a problem getting and keeping a man. Men know this!! I look at good men in my family, they  are hardworking, very friendly and grounded they all are with NEED PITS!! all of these women they had to rescue and save No LIE!! Sarah spoke the truth, I seen this for well over 20 years , what Sylvia is saying is truth. For a lot of men this is how it is suppose to be.. Google.. The White knight Syndrome and '' Being Florence Nightingale, Really its all game catering to a man's very fragile ego. Men will brake their backs for them. I 'm speaking truth, what it really is CODEPENDENCY!!sorry I want and desire a man. Yes I have seen this happen many times,

    1. dashingscorpio profile image83
      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Traditional VS Progressive women and men is the issue and not men in general. Some men are drawn to women who (need) them and others want independent women. None is "better" than the other.
      The trick is finding the right man for (you)!

    2. profile image52
      monas1418posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      not a breaking news flash. dashingscorpio

  9. lostohanababy profile image58
    lostohanababyposted 9 years ago

    Men are just as unpredictable as Women.   Every man has different needs and search for different things they look to find in different women they know and date.   If you are not married.  Find someone new.


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