Tell a funny joke!

1. 59

   Hokeyposted 14 years ago

   Post your best jokes on here. Lets see what you got!!!! 

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2. 59

   Hokeyposted 14 years ago

   Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath. She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something. With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, " Mommy what is that?"
   
   She replied "That is where Daddy hit me with an ax."
   
   Then Bobby replied "No     , right in the ....."

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      blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Lol Hokey I don't get it, just the last line.

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   2. 59

      Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Better?

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3. 59

   Hokeyposted 14 years ago

   A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an         .
   
   First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."
   
   Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
   
   Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.
   
   Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."
   
   To which the Rabbi responds, "Hell no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"

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4. 71

   wyanjenposted 14 years ago

   

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   1. 59

      Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Awesome!!! 

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5. 0

   lyricsingrayposted 14 years ago

   What's funny is I am not funny

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   1. 59

      Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Give it a try!!!   

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6. 71

   earnestshubposted 14 years ago

   Hey BP! Just got back in and thought I would see what our new funny mate was up to!
   Hi Hokey! Hi lyrics!

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   1. 59

      Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Ernest!!! 

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   2. 69

      blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Earnest

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      1. 59

         Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Hey Blondpoet! 

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         1. 69

            blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Hey dudes and dudettes.

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7. 69

   blondepoetposted 14 years ago

   The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

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   1. 71

      earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

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8. 63

   mintinfoposted 14 years ago

   A Love Story
   
   I will seek and find you .
   I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
   I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
   I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to
   stop.
   I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
   finished with you.
   And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
   All my love,
   
   
   
   
   
   signed: The Flu
   
   Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!!!! hahaha
   got ya!

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   1. 71

      wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

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   2. 71

      earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ya got me! .... love the delayed edit!

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      1. 69

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         haha my mind jumped to the wrong conclusion without doubt.

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9. 69

   blondepoetposted 14 years ago

   
   
   
   This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
   
   The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
   
   The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
   
   The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
   
   The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
   
   The duck asks "Do you have any grapes"?

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   1. 59

      tony0724posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      

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      1. 69

         blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         hey Tony, what a cheeky little duck hey?

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10. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Hey wyanjen!!! 

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Hi
       everybody

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       1. 69

          blondepoetposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Hey wyanjen.

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       2. 71

          earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Hey Wyanjen! This is fun!

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          1. 71

             wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             yup!
             nice change of pace

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11. 71

    wyanjenposted 14 years ago

    I'm cleaning out my photobucket account, so if you've seen it already, well...
    
    look at it again
    
    
    

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       WOW!!!!!  COOL!!!!

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12. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    A priest is walking by a house and sees, sitting in the front steps, a young boy shaking a bottle of some clear liquid.
    
    He asks the boy what he was doing. The boy responded, "This here, Father, is turpentine, the most powerfull liquid in the world".
    
    The priest responds, "You are wrong, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a boy".
    
    The boy responded, "That ain't nothing father. You rub a few drops of this in a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

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13. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Kids in the back seat cause         s;         s in the back seat cause kids.

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sorry. This stupid computer has some stupid filter on it and that is why things get cut out. Eh! Acceptance Hokey, Acceptance!         
                            
                            
                            
                            
                            

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       1. 71

          wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          the quest for patience...

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14. 71

    wyanjenposted 14 years ago

    cptn kirk - ahh, I can't delete that one.
    
    still makes me laugh

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15. 71

    wyanjenposted 14 years ago

    This is not a political statement. It is a punk rock statement.
    
    Ahh, it's pure bliss...
    

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       I almost missed this!  HA HA HA HA!!!!

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    2. 71

       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Ya gotta love him! He hasn't threatened to kill all non muslims for weeks! He must be in love!

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       1. 71

          wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Nah.
          It's not love...
          
          
          

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16. 71

    Cagsilposted 14 years ago

    Hey Everyone!

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       howdy.
       Lay a joke on us!

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       1. 71

          Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          I just dropped in to say hello to everyone. I don't know any jokes. Sorry.
          
          I'm not about to start pulling out magazines for the jokes. Nope, not happening.

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    2. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Hey Cagsil!!   

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17. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

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18. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 14 years ago

    

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19. 75

    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    A ninety year old man went to his doctor and said"I Need Viagra"
    His doctor said "Your to Old for Sex".
    The old man said"Its Not for Sex,I JUST WANT TO QUIT PISSING ON MY SHOES"!

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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20. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky
    Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    on this flute made of beef
    that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       uh oh.
       
       I sense a limerick contest....
       
       (Very nice first entry!)

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21. 71

    wyanjenposted 14 years ago

    It's from my Ahmadinejad Collection.
    

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    1. 71

       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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       1. 59

          Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

           
          This is just too funny!

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22. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    There once was a gal named Lewinsky
    Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    on this flute made of beef
    that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
    
    Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
    We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
    Since you look such a mess,
    use the hem of your dress
    And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
    
    Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
    what Kaczynski must surely have known
    that an intern is better
    than a      in a letter
    given the choice to be blown.
    
    There was a young      called Lewinsky,
    Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
    When on Kenneth Starr's lap
    she confided, when trapped,
    "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

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    1. 65

       TheGlassSpiderposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       LMAO!!!! I have never heard this before--this is great!

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23. 71

    earnestshubposted 14 years ago

    Is this allowed under limericks?
    
    Religious and so scared to die
    they invented a man in the sky
    embellished the story
    with fear and with glory
    but it's still a deliberate lie!

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Definitely allowed

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24. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Johnny Cochrans Top 10
    
    
    From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:
    
    10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
    
    9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
    
    8. If she didn't spit, you must acquit
    
    7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
    
    6. Lewinsky's a hore, and Bill's better than Gore
    
    5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
    
    4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
    
    3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
    
    2. Bill is not greasy, Lewinsky's just easy
    
    And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
    
    1. If the act is just oral, it is not really immoral

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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25. 75

    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    The Doctor lay in bed thinking"
    Lots of Doctors have sex with there patients,it doesn't mean I'm unethical"
    Then his Conscience Kicked in and said
    "Yes but your a Veterinarian"!

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       BWAH HA HA HA HA
       
       Top contender....

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26. 71

    earnestshubposted 14 years ago

    limericks are great! This I know
    but a joke has much further to go.
    if it needs not to rhyme
    it saves lots of time
    and lets us get on with the show.

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    1. 69

       HubChiefposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Earnest, wrong place for fun loving limericians

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27. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    I thought to post a new topic
    that hopefully wasn't myopic
    To help us have fun
    and enjoy everyone
    and forget SirDents thing is microscopic

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    1. 71

       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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28. 60

    kephriraposted 14 years ago

    An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man walk into a bar, and the barman says "is this some kind of a joke?"
    
    My friends laughed at me when I said I could tell a really funny joke. Well they're not laughing now!

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       huh? 

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       1. 60

          kephriraposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          Sorry, I guess I'm not very good at being funny. the first one is cos there's lots of jokes about 'an englishman, irishman and scottishman. Knowing that this wasn't actually very funhy I added the second bit. They aren't laughing now would normally mean I had one the argument. But the fact that they aren't laughing means the joke wasn't very funny. The humor is supposed to be in this ambiguity / contradiction. In my defense, I got them both from a TV program I watched recently, and they were funny then.

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             Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Dont give up!!  Try again!! 

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          2. 84

             agvulpesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             actually I thought it was funny ! It would have worked better without the add on .

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    2. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       kephrira, this actually WAS very funny
       
       You just have to have the right kind of funny bone...

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       1. 60

          kephriraposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          phew, glad you liked em, I thought I'd messed them up somehow. They are both from an episode of QI

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    3. 71

       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Loved it! but I have to admit. I am Australian, we like lots of different meanings in our humour if we can get it!

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29. 60

    kephriraposted 14 years ago

    Sticking blindly to a failed theme. A man walks into a bar and says....
    
    
    
    
    "ouch!"

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30. 84

    agvulpesposted 14 years ago

    I'm not sure if maybe this one should be on the Religious Forum but here is an Aussie joke.
    
    
    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
    raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
    prayed:
    'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
    Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
    
    After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
    strength and the tools to cross the river'
    
    Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
    was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
    
    Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
    
    Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
    
    
    

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       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          
          
          
          
          

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          lyricsingrayposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          

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    2. 71

       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       
       Never heard it before... brilliant!

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31. 0

    sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

    " A guy goes to the church confessional and says,"Father I have sinned. I slept with 5 different women last nite." The priest says,"Go home and squeeze 5 lemons into a glass and drink it as fast as you can." "And I will be forgiven?" asks the man. "No." the priest says,"but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"

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       kephriraposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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          Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          sorry. I am sometimes(most of the time) dense. Didn't realize it was two jokes. Wow and to think I dont do       anymore. WOW!

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    2. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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32. 0

    loriamooreposted 14 years ago

    Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    
    Because they taste funny!

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33. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
          A: Quatro sinko.

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34. 0

    Pani Midnyte Odinposted 14 years ago

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really mad.
    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!"
    The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked in the driveway. Sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
    Confused, Bob's wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, picked up the box, and brought it back into the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    ...Bob has been missing since Friday.

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       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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35. 0

    Pani Midnyte Odinposted 14 years ago

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to try to persuade him to donate.
    "Our research shows that you, with an annual income of at least $500,000, have never given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to donate and make a contribution to the community?"
    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying from an illness and her medical bills are several times that of her annual income?"
    Embarrassed,the United Way representative says, "Um... no."
    The lawyer interrupts, "Did it tell you that my brother, who is a disabled veteran, is blind and in a wheel chair?"
    The stricken United Way representative tries to stammer out an apology, but is interrupted again.
    "How about the fact that my sister's husband  died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
    The humiliated United Way representative, completely defeated, simply says, "I had no idea..."
    On a roll, the lawyer cuts him off one more time, "So... if I don't give THEM any money, why would I give any to you?"

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    1. 71

       wyanjenposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       heh heh
       damn lawyers

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36. 74

    nadiaazharposted 14 years ago

    What is the fruitiest lesson?
    History, because it's full of dates!

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37. 0

    loriamooreposted 14 years ago

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.
    
    The bartender asks, "Do you realize you have a steering wheel on your crotc?"
    
    The pirate replies, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

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       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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38. 84

    agvulpesposted 14 years ago

    Ok insert the name as you like!
    
    One Irishman (blonde) walking on one side of the river calls out to the other Irishman (blonde) walking on the other side of the river:
    
    "Oih how do you get on to the other side"
    
    Came the reply from the other Irishman (blonde)
    
    "Silly you are on the other side"
    
    Boom Boom!
    
    hmm now I've offended everyone on HP I'm off to have dinner.
    
    

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       earnestshubposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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39. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Q: Why did the deviant cross the road?
    
    
    A: He was stuck in the chicken! 

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40. 75

    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    I was walking through the park last night.
    I saw a guy Mugging a little old lady.
    I Jumped right In!
    It took a while.
    But we Finally got her purse from her...

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41. 69

    HubChiefposted 14 years ago

    made a million dollar overnight on hubpages...

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42. 75

    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    My friend Blaine and I exchange Put Down jokes.He told me this one at work.
    
    "I dreamed I died and went to Heaven.
    When i got there I saw a wall covered with clocks.
    I asked Saint Peter what they were for?
    He said"We have a clock for each person on Earth,the hand goe's around Once each time they Masturbate"!
    I asked him were my friend Dean's clock was?
    He said,
    "Its in the back room,were using it as a Fan"!!

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43. 75

    cheaptrickposted 14 years ago

    Two guys go hunting.
    One says"I gotta Pee"so he goes behind a tree where he is Bitten on his Pee Pee by a rattle snake!
    He screams for his friend to call a Doctor.
    His friend does and asks the Doctor what to Do!
    The Doctor says"Cut two slits across the bite and Suck the Poison out"!
    The bit man asks"What Did the Doctor Say"?
    His friend says,
    "YOU GONNA DIE"!

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44. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
    I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.'
    He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!'

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45. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
    The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
    
    The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead,
    
    I'll hold your monkey."

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46. 61

    theirishobserver.posted 14 years ago

    good one Hokey, love it,

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47. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    two fleas on a fanny one's a junkie and the other one's a robber how can you tell which is which ?
    
    the robber is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing crack................

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48. 60

    RNMSNposted 14 years ago

    Jogging gives me the Runs   

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    1. 59

       Hokeyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       

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49. 59

    Hokeyposted 14 years ago

    Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

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50. 78

    mega1posted 14 years ago

    what do you get when you mix a car, a fly and a dog?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    iʇәdɹɐɔ ƃu!ʎႨɟ ɐ

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