My First 2 poems?

1. 57

   SLDposted 15 years ago

   Ok so I don't really know how to get started around here, so after reading a few topics I figured I should just go ahead and post something.
   
   I have absolutely no idea what qualifies something as poetry, as I didn't pay attention in english in high school and I haven't been taking writing courses in college. Recently though, I've felt the need to begin writing in an attempt to improve my ability to express myself through the written word. I've always had a knack for speaking, but my writing skills leave something to be desired. Any constructive criticism on what may or may not be my first 2 poems, would be extremely helpful. Thank you for your time.
   
   My first poem:
   Death to the Candle
   
   Death to the Candle
   Damn its false promises
   A scent of a better place
   To hide what’s in your face
   Cover up the bitter stench
   Until the fire dies
   Nothing is forever
   The wick weeps ashes as it cries
   The pain of death is up on it, no more reason to exist
   Death to the Candle, mmm was that peaches?
   
   Second Poem: Untitled
   
   My flow is breathin.
   Heartbeat thumpin.
   I'm Frankenstein and this is my monster.
   Only difference is I'm the murderer here.
   Chase you til the ends of the earth with my words.
   Have no fear, bow to the master.
   King of the Clowns,
   worthless really
   Silly is the idea that you could compare,
   to the talent of originality
   Mentalityto be me,
   nothing refined here,
   to find here,
   just a grind here.
   Chillin in the crib,
   Choking down the green
   if you know what I mean.
   Floating on the clouds
   can't bring me down.
   Spaceman cruisin to Mars.
   Boozin at the bars,
   can't slow down
   I don't know how,
   didn't come with brakes
   maybe I should be recalled.
   But I'm gonna beat this drum til the day that I die.
   It's the only way I know how,
   don't even know why.
   Dead man walking,
   free man joggin,
   wanted man runnin.
   So I gotta be the fastest,
   can't pass this,
   you know I cash this.

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   1. 0

      china manposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I like them.
      
      Anything is poetry but there are conventions like rhyming - the way that works is to rhyme or not rhyme as long as whatever you do is for a reason.
      In the first one you rhyme place and face in lines 3 and 4 then dies and cries seem to rhyme randomly, the kinda sameness between promises and peaches is good if you intended it ?
      
      It scans like rap music from part way down so to 'hit' the rhyme now and again is ok - but should be consistent to mean anything or inconsistent for a reason.
      
      hope this is useful - and just cos I am talking don't mean I am right if you got different ideas

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   2. 77

      Tyrone Smallsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I liked them both! You have a remarkable skill !! If your car crash, please jump out first !!!
      
      Quest? Is the candle the land of the free?!
      
                                               'YLYND'

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   3. 0

      Poppa Bluesposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I favored the first one, the second was more like a rap to me. You definitely have a talent though.

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2. 0

   sneakorocksolidposted 15 years ago

   First of all welcome! I'm not a good judge since I can barely spell my own name. I enjoyed reading them and if you like writing them I say go for it!

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3. 56

   lovelypaperposted 15 years ago

   That was pretty good, real deep, man. Welcome.

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4. 0

   suzanne22posted 15 years ago

   I enjoyed the read I new two just finding my feet you write well nice work.

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5. 58

   sagbeeposted 15 years ago

   Beautiful poems indeed.. You have a good imagination power and frame the words in to a real flow.. looking forward to read more from you.. all the best

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6. 63

   Ben Evansposted 15 years ago

   A poem is basically just a written expression and as others have indicated there are no rules.
   
   When I started writing poetry, I had a hard time figuring out how to write.  I found out the best thing to do is just write and to read others poetry.  The magical thing is that you will develop a style with time and you find out a lot about yourself. You may be able to express what you have never been able to express before.   
   
   I have been on poetry sites which get quite critical.  All I want to do is just to write.  This is a good community to write
   
   Here are few different types of peotry I write so you can get an exposure to different types of peotry.  (This is not a complete list of different types of poetry)
   
   Rhyme:
   
   I tell you bob
   and I must say
   corn on the cob
   tastes good that way.
   
   With a little salt
   and butter, it's swell
   I dont know what its calt
   but its good I hear tell.
   
   Meter without a rhyme:
   
   Spring's remembrance
   is of flowers,
   rain and the sun
   as we embrace.
   
   Summer is full
   of warm dry air.
   Heat is tempered
   by the wind which
   blows love's intent
   into our hearts.
   
   Meter with a Rhyme:
   
   Atop the ole mount with a clean cool snow
   which spreads its cover to the tree's delight,
   the wind makes ice as they dance in their show.
   The yews playfulness grasps my childhood yen.
   
   Poetry can show great emotion:
   
   Bloated skies with black clouds
   simmer in the sweltering heat.
   The rain never comes
   to wash the sweat from my face.
   Taste is of earth and salt.
   My eyes blur as they burn
   with the sting that feels so good.
   
   I wipe my brow and I smile
   harder than I have ever smiled
   in my whole life.
   The brown weed blows in the wind.
   Fire burns as I throw a match and seer
   my dry throat with the first puff
   of a mixture sent by demons
   to even my state........
   
   Poetry can be used to paint:
   
   A shore smeared with the moon
   hears an echo of a cricket
   as love abounds on warm
   sand that surrounds our feet
   while our hearts feel the breeze
   as we kiss...........
   
   Good job keep writing.
   
   Cheers,
   
   Ben

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7. 0

   Brenda Durhamposted 15 years ago

   Love the first two lines of the first poem, and the humorous way it's all written.
   
   The second poem is too choppy for me to get interested in...

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8. 82

   Rafiniposted 15 years ago

   I have written some poetry also, but have no idea what I'm doing.  lol   I did like the first one, but couldn't get interested in the second - probably for the reason China Man said, it kinda reads like its rap.
   
   sorry I couldn't help. 

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9. 60

   Hokeyposted 15 years ago

   I like them both. Original and very spontaneous sounding. The second one does sound like a rap. Total street style. If you are new to this keep writing. You will only get better as you figure things out.

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10. 72

    cupid51posted 15 years ago

    I am also an ESL writer and try to write poems. I can't comment on your poems as a judge. But I can tell you that I loved both the poems. Why don't you write those in hubs?

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11. 0

    blake4dposted 15 years ago

    I really liked the untitled one...
    
    Dead man walking
    Free man joggin'
    (That made me LOL all by myself, the visual I got was perfect.)
    Here's my advice...
    Never listen to anybody who writes 'Poetry' when they start telling you how to write poetry. Including me.

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12. 66

    Nikkij504gurlposted 15 years ago

    they were good i liked em. and blake4d is right. poetry is about how you feel, what you think. sometimes only the poet knows the true meaning of the poem.

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13. 66

    Sunshiney31posted 15 years ago

    Very good I really like them keep it up!!!

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