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jump to last post 1-13 of 13 discussions (16 posts)

My First 2 poems?

  1. profile image55
    SLDposted 8 years ago

    Ok so I don't really know how to get started around here, so after reading a few topics I figured I should just go ahead and post something.

    I have absolutely no idea what qualifies something as poetry, as I didn't pay attention in english in high school and I haven't been taking writing courses in college. Recently though, I've felt the need to begin writing in an attempt to improve my ability to express myself through the written word. I've always had a knack for speaking, but my writing skills leave something to be desired. Any constructive criticism on what may or may not be my first 2 poems, would be extremely helpful. Thank you for your time.

    My first poem:
    Death to the Candle

    Death to the Candle
    Damn its false promises
    A scent of a better place
    To hide what’s in your face
    Cover up the bitter stench
    Until the fire dies
    Nothing is forever
    The wick weeps ashes as it cries
    The pain of death is up on it, no more reason to exist
    Death to the Candle, mmm was that peaches?

    Second Poem: Untitled

    My flow is breathin.
    Heartbeat thumpin.
    I'm Frankenstein and this is my monster.
    Only difference is I'm the murderer here.
    Chase you til the ends of the earth with my words.
    Have no fear, bow to the master.
    King of the Clowns,
    worthless really
    Silly is the idea that you could compare,
    to the talent of originality
    Mentalityto be me,
    nothing refined here,
    to find here,
    just a grind here.
    Chillin in the crib,
    Choking down the green
    if you know what I mean.
    Floating on the clouds
    can't bring me down.
    Spaceman cruisin to Mars.
    Boozin at the bars,
    can't slow down
    I don't know how,
    didn't come with brakes
    maybe I should be recalled.
    But I'm gonna beat this drum til the day that I die.
    It's the only way I know how,
    don't even know why.
    Dead man walking,
    free man joggin,
    wanted man runnin.
    So I gotta be the fastest,
    can't pass this,
    you know I cash this.

    1. profile image0
      china manposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I like them.

      Anything is poetry but there are conventions like rhyming - the way that works is to rhyme or not rhyme as long as whatever you do is for a reason.
      In the first one you rhyme place and face in lines 3 and 4 then dies and cries seem to rhyme randomly, the kinda sameness between promises and peaches is good if you intended it ?

      It scans like rap music from part way down so to 'hit' the rhyme now and again is ok - but should be consistent to mean anything or inconsistent for a reason.

      hope this is useful - and just cos I am talking don't mean I am right if you got different ideas smile

    2. Tyrone Smalls profile image63
      Tyrone Smallsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I liked them both! You have a remarkable skill !! If your car crash, please jump out first !!!

      Quest? Is the candle the land of the free?!

                                               'YLYND'

    3. profile image0
      Poppa Bluesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I favored the first one, the second was more like a rap to me. You definitely have a talent though.

  2. profile image0
    sneakorocksolidposted 8 years ago

    First of all welcome! I'm not a good judge since I can barely spell my own name. I enjoyed reading them and if you like writing them I say go for it!smile

  3. lovelypaper profile image64
    lovelypaperposted 8 years ago

    That was pretty good, real deep, man. Welcome.

  4. profile image0
    suzanne22posted 8 years ago

    I enjoyed the read I new two just finding my feet you write well nice work.

  5. sagbee profile image57
    sagbeeposted 8 years ago

    Beautiful poems indeed.. You have a good imagination power and frame the words in to a real flow.. smile looking forward to read more from you.. all the best smile

  6. Ben Evans profile image69
    Ben Evansposted 8 years ago

    A poem is basically just a written expression and as others have indicated there are no rules.

    When I started writing poetry, I had a hard time figuring out how to write.  I found out the best thing to do is just write and to read others poetry.  The magical thing is that you will develop a style with time and you find out a lot about yourself. You may be able to express what you have never been able to express before.   

    I have been on poetry sites which get quite critical.  All I want to do is just to write.  This is a good community to write

    Here are few different types of peotry I write so you can get an exposure to different types of peotry.  (This is not a complete list of different types of poetry)

    Rhyme:

    I tell you bob
    and I must say
    corn on the cob
    tastes good that way.

    With a little salt
    and butter, it's swell
    I dont know what its calt
    but its good I hear tell.

    Meter without a rhyme:

    Spring's remembrance
    is of flowers,
    rain and the sun
    as we embrace.

    Summer is full
    of warm dry air.
    Heat is tempered
    by the wind which
    blows love's intent
    into our hearts.

    Meter with a Rhyme:

    Atop the ole mount with a clean cool snow
    which spreads its cover to the tree's delight,
    the wind makes ice as they dance in their show.
    The yews playfulness grasps my childhood yen.

    Poetry can show great emotion:

    Bloated skies with black clouds
    simmer in the sweltering heat.
    The rain never comes
    to wash the sweat from my face.
    Taste is of earth and salt.
    My eyes blur as they burn
    with the sting that feels so good.

    I wipe my brow and I smile
    harder than I have ever smiled
    in my whole life.
    The brown weed blows in the wind.
    Fire burns as I throw a match and seer
    my dry throat with the first puff
    of a mixture sent by demons
    to even my state........

    Poetry can be used to paint:

    A shore smeared with the moon
    hears an echo of a cricket
    as love abounds on warm
    sand that surrounds our feet
    while our hearts feel the breeze
    as we kiss...........

    Good job keep writing.

    Cheers,

    Ben

  7. profile image0
    Brenda Durhamposted 8 years ago

    Love the first two lines of the first poem, and the humorous way it's all written.

    The second poem is too choppy for me to get interested in...

  8. Rafini profile image88
    Rafiniposted 8 years ago

    I have written some poetry also, but have no idea what I'm doing.  lol   I did like the first one, but couldn't get interested in the second - probably for the reason China Man said, it kinda reads like its rap.

    sorry I couldn't help.  sad

  9. Hokey profile image61
    Hokeyposted 8 years ago

    I like them both. Original and very spontaneous sounding. The second one does sound like a rap. Total street style. If you are new to this keep writing. You will only get better as you figure things out.

  10. cupid51 profile image74
    cupid51posted 8 years ago

    I am also an ESL writer and try to write poems. I can't comment on your poems as a judge. But I can tell you that I loved both the poems. Why don't you write those in hubs?

  11. blake4d profile image59
    blake4dposted 8 years ago

    I really liked the untitled one...

    Dead man walking
    Free man joggin'
    (That made me LOL all by myself, the visual I got was perfect.)
    Here's my advice...
    Never listen to anybody who writes 'Poetry' when they start telling you how to write poetry. Including me.

  12. Nikkij504gurl profile image77
    Nikkij504gurlposted 8 years ago

    they were good i liked em. and blake4d is right. poetry is about how you feel, what you think. sometimes only the poet knows the true meaning of the poem.

  13. Sunshiney31 profile image67
    Sunshiney31posted 8 years ago

    Very good I really like them keep it up!!!

 
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