Ok, here is a critical analysis of this poem - only because you asked.
1 - If you choose to make a rhyming poem, meter is extremely important. Rhyming words must really rhyme or come very close. In this poem, your meter is off, words do not rhyme rhythmically. Also you broke the pattern of rhyme by changing the lines in which the rhyme appears. 2 - There is plenty of 'feeling' and clearly there is emotion in this poem but it gets lost because the reader cannot follow the rhythm due to the above #1. 3 - The 'tone' changes in the second stanza, second line, then again in the last stanza, last line. You say 'whole lots of memories to regret' which is a modern way of speaking, then you say 'I'll leave you never' which is an old world way of speaking, reversing the order of the sentence. There is nothing inherently wrong with doing this but it leaves the reader disjointed.
Try to stay consistent throughout, whichever way you choose. You also use 'text' language, another addition to the mix.
Please don't stop writing. Rhyming poetry is very difficult. With practice, you'll develop an 'ear' for great meter (rhythm).
If a poem is to rhyme, it needs rhythm, this poem has no rhythm. It must keep a steady beat, and this does not. It also rhymes sometimes and not others. Read it aloud to yourself and you'll see what I mean. Reading it aloud to yourself also helps with keeping the rhythm. Good luck and keep trying!
Most of your feedback is good. Some tend to get wrapped up in poetic "rules". I groove on poetic "license". Like a change in tempo in music. Totally acceptable. I liked the piece because of it's honesty. That I could feel. I also felt a personal link to the emotion, which is both very personal to you, and a universal human feeling. Cagisil is right when he says you are wasting good work in a forum. Transcribe it to your hub. Peace
The feeling of it is ok, the sentiment is fine and the message clear enough - but the rhyming, metre, rythm, word choice and pretty much everything else is disorganised and poor. My advice would be to read some good standard poetry, any good poetry and then come back to it and work on it verse by verse. For this I would establish one rythm and stick to it, only breaking it to emphasise a point. The easy way to do this is to pick a song that your words fit and follow that rhythm. The first verse can be easily altered to the rhyth of the song 'memories' from Barbra Streisand I think. The rhyming should follow the same pattern all the way down, only broken to make a point.
Memories Birds are chirping loudly all around As Day gives way to night. And I feel silence deep inside me, Knowing nothing is alright
I thought it was a good poem---ignore the response from the one who can not even spell---I do not believe that all poems have to rhyme --that to me is like saying all roads must lead to the same destiny!! Thats just silly.You wrote what you felt-it was not horrible--If everyone wrote the same things in the same way--there would be no point in reading any of them-reading one would be enough..I think alot of people read the hubs---The thing is it does not matter your style of poetry-you will always have people who love it and people who don't.Think of it like this--Does everyone like the same Doctor? Stores?Music? "NO" they don't --Not ever singer has the same voice nor does every poet. Feel What you write--Write what you feel---not everyone is always going to feel it like you do.I felt it
Thank u soo much for ur comment Ya everyone has their own style of writing and poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, thats true.. But yet I wanna learn the exact rules of poetry and the use of rhythmic meter as well... So please do feel free to tell me about anything tht can help me grow as a poet
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