Birds are chirping loudly
And Day is giving way to the night.
I can feel only silence inside me,
Making me realize nothing is Alright.
There is a feeling of emptiness left
And whole lots of memories to regret.
I feel so battered at this very moment
Like my heart is burning in a fire torment.
The rushing wind touched my face
And the tears stormed out of my eyes.
Ur absence suddenly struck my heart
And my whole world fell apart.
I don't know what happened,
Why u left me with so many questions?
All i know is I loved you
And now am left with no clue.
Please don't leave me baby
I'm sure we can work it out.
Please don't turn deaf to my plea's
I don't have the strength to shout.
Just tell me u love me
And I'll be here forever.
Just tell me u need me
I'll leave you never!!
Ok, here is a critical analysis of this poem - only because you asked.
1 - If you choose to make a rhyming poem, meter is extremely important. Rhyming words must really rhyme or come very close. In this poem, your meter is off, words do not rhyme rhythmically. Also you broke the pattern of rhyme by changing the lines in which the rhyme appears.
2 - There is plenty of 'feeling' and clearly there is emotion in this poem but it gets lost because the reader cannot follow the rhythm due to the above #1.
3 - The 'tone' changes in the second stanza, second line, then again in the last stanza, last line. You say 'whole lots of memories to regret' which is a modern way of speaking, then you say 'I'll leave you never' which is an old world way of speaking, reversing the order of the sentence. There is nothing inherently wrong with doing this but it leaves the reader disjointed.
Try to stay consistent throughout, whichever way you choose. You also use 'text' language, another addition to the mix.
Please don't stop writing. Rhyming poetry is very difficult. With practice, you'll develop an 'ear' for great meter (rhythm).
Your poem is great. People do read hubs around here.
Welcome to HubPages!
You do realize that you would be better off putting your poems into Hubs, instead of wasting them on forums posts?
Just a thought.
Thanks for the advice but does anyone actually read hubs here..?
Do people read hubs here? Yes, if you want to see, then click on "Feed", it will show you most of the activity on HubPages.
You will see when people leave comments on Hubs they have read.
Edit: This is the forum...it's not a hub.
of course we read hubs. that is what Hub pages is all about. If you post it as a hub instead of in the forum you can track activity, can't do that in the forum.
The hubs here are great and I also like your poem. Keep it up.
i could make a beter pome with my eeye cloased
Isn't that quite a rude thing to say? You didn't like it but you could have communicated your emotions more politely.
Mehreen some ppl prefer to point fingers at u rather than correct u ..
Thanks for the support
well then maybe you should learn to use spell check before you post here and keep your nasty comments to yourself.
and i was referring to "reallygoodpoetry" here
any time Cracknutcase, his comment was really uncalled for, this is not the place for nasty comments. Hubpages is a place of learning, support, encouragement in my opinion. What a jerk.
Not to toot my own horn Cracknutcase but you are welcome to visit my hub to read my poems. Here is an example > http://hubpages.com/hub/A-Chance-for-Memories
Learning how to spell poem would help you a bit.
If a poem is to rhyme, it needs rhythm, this poem has no rhythm. It must keep a steady beat, and this does not. It also rhymes sometimes and not others. Read it aloud to yourself and you'll see what I mean. Reading it aloud to yourself also helps with keeping the rhythm. Good luck and keep trying!
A poem can rhyme or not rhyme, but rhyming most of the time and sometimes not bothering, and not having a set meter, makes it feel poorly constructed.
No, I mean it should either have it, or not have it, not half way in between.
Most of your feedback is good. Some tend to get wrapped up in poetic "rules". I groove on poetic "license". Like a change in tempo in music. Totally acceptable. I liked the piece because of it's honesty. That I could feel. I also felt a personal link to the emotion, which is both very personal to you, and a universal human feeling. Cagisil is right when he says you are wasting good work in a forum. Transcribe it to your hub. Peace
The feeling of it is ok, the sentiment is fine and the message clear enough - but the rhyming, metre, rythm, word choice and pretty much everything else is disorganised and poor. My advice would be to read some good standard poetry, any good poetry and then come back to it and work on it verse by verse. For this I would establish one rythm and stick to it, only breaking it to emphasise a point. The easy way to do this is to pick a song that your words fit and follow that rhythm. The first verse can be easily altered to the rhyth of the song 'memories' from Barbra Streisand I think. The rhyming should follow the same pattern all the way down, only broken to make a point.
Birds are chirping loudly all around
As Day gives way to night.
And I feel silence deep inside me,
Knowing nothing is alright
Still not good but gets a rhythm going. go visit http://hubpages.com/hub/If-I-could-writ … ou-love-me for a rhythm and metre example, there are loads of others on Hubpages also.
I thought it was a good poem---ignore the response from the one who can not even spell---I do not believe that all poems have to rhyme --that to me is like saying all roads must lead to the same destiny!! Thats just silly.You wrote what you felt-it was not horrible--If everyone wrote the same things in the same way--there would be no point in reading any of them-reading one would be enough..I think alot of people read the hubs---The thing is it does not matter your style of poetry-you will always have people who love it and people who don't.Think of it like this--Does everyone like the same Doctor? Stores?Music? "NO" they don't --Not ever singer has the same voice nor does every poet. Feel What you write--Write what you feel---not everyone is always going to feel it like you do.I felt it
Thank u soo much for ur comment
Ya everyone has their own style of writing and poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, thats true.. But yet I wanna learn the exact rules of poetry and the use of rhythmic meter as well... So please do feel free to tell me about anything tht can help me grow as a poet
by horizonz 23 months ago
What is the difference between poem and rhyme?
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