To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
How about just turning over the crown jewels to help us out a bit? If you do, we'll concede to everything except #14. If we must concede to #14, then we shall have to invoke #4. If we can't do either #14 or #4, we shall have to break the Royal Queen's Bird China in a fit of American brutishness for which I'll apologize ahead of time. Are contractions allowed?
Is it permitted to speak about the unspeakable (of which you've already spoken)? Ok. Send over Colin Farrell and I'll submit to your will, I mean his will. He's Irish anyway, you probably don't want him. (And don't forget the jewels. All of them. I'll say no more on the subject. Oh, wait, I'm the subject, her subject, I mean Her Majesty's Royal Subject. (Wow, it's just a whole new way of writing.)
See, this is the spirit of America. We can have a jolly good laugh at most anything. Of course, there will be repremanding later over this bit. Hey, I talk pretty good British. I mean I speak British fairly well. Or English, or whatever you call it over there.
I have a quick wit and mathematical mind. Thruppence ha'penny and two bob are easily converted to the continental system in my case but cause no end of confusion to my fellow members of the Pitt the Younger Appreciation Society...
Enough to make up the national debt! What say you? (I think we should all start talking like this. Brits never sound like they're arguing even when they are. Italians always sound like they're arguing even when they're not)
My Fiance would get a kick out of this. ) He is British and is living there,(at this moment), born and raised. I am from America, New York state to be precise. I love England and I love America too. So does that mean we will have to get a license to purchase a TV and will the Queen own all our white swans? ) I know , I know, your proper and we aren't. I've heard it a million times. We will just drink proper lager and chain smoke, complain about our aliments and moan and groan about the weather Hail to the Queen.
Ah rally couldn' unnerstan' a wohrd y'all sehd, John Holden, but eff y'all was thinkin' bout takin' back the USA (as if!) then y'all should considah taken' back those other scruffy colonies, lahk, India while ur at it!! All those changes you'd lahk just couldn't happen, ya know?
"Let them eat cake!" I must warn you though in the spirit of full disclosure, you may have some serious indigestion from eating southern cake. It's about as sweet as anything you've ever tasted x100. And you can't eat anything else unless you like fat rolled in cheese then fried in bacon grease and covered with more cheese. Not even cheese. Cheese food.
Well, as I have been to bed as all sensible Brits have done it appears that there is little dissention and the matter is settled. Well done, perhaps someone can make a hub on crumpet recipes- you will need that with your tea
OK dude I'll give you that and I think the president was a moron when in return for a priceless pen holder made from the wood of the HMS Gannet, a Victorian era antislavery ship, he gave the British prim minister a DVD collection. What a slap in the face.
I think thats a great idea John [O.P.], of course you realize that The US has unfortunately fallen into a bad cultural attitude. May be just the ticket except this time we wouldn't take prisoners nor allow tea and crumpets time out in battle ,while we kick your a$$ out of America again!
Fair dinkum you guys sure know how to confuse a blonde...all this is way above my head. Got to go pack up my medical kit, my neighbor Hugh Jass electrocuted himself. He was frying bacon out on the barbie last night, and he got hit by a shooting star and we just found him in the outhouse singing Rudolph Red Nose Roo with a stubbie in the other hand. Guys have a bonza Xmas all way from Australia, struth I have to go get ready now,got to go put on my makeup, sending you all love, kisses and hugs...from BP xxxxxxxxxx
Ok, so for Americans and anyone else who may not understand them, it helps if you understand the antique British monetary system: Two farthings = One Ha'penny. Two ha'pennies = One penny. Three pennies = A Thrupenny Bit. Two Thrupences = A Sixpence. Two Sixpences = One Shilling, or Bob. Two Bob = A Florin. One Florin and One Sixpence = Half a Crown. Four Half Crowns = Ten Bob Note. Two Ten Bob Notes = One Pound or 240 pennies. One Pound and One Schlling = One Guinea.
Those lovely people resisted decimalized currency for a long time because they thought it was too complicated!
Oh, so you're the British middle child!! Now it makes sense that you feel like the scapegoat. British first child and third child rules are different because you have no chance of ever getting the crown. Here, I made this for you..
that is such a coincidence..... I have just been looking on a site for making childrens knitted hats etc,, and everything i chose was pink and white, and now i have a pink of white crown all of my own, many thanks i am going to make it my avatar watch this space.....
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