How to move out of a home with overcontrolling parent and start a lige of self dependency?
A 20 yr old male college student leaving under the roof of a very controlling mother.
So she is your typical hispanic heritage controlling parent. I will tell you my story that might bring you back a couple of decades, some might relate it to the one experienced during your youth years. So I basically live in a "total dictatorship" house. Its citizens are not allowed to leave, except if they go to school or work. There is no way to leave for anything else. No party or vacatining by yourself/with friends. I only go to the gym, but even then I get to hear wining about the time I spend there.
Wow! Are you sure you're not talking about MY mother? lol.
I grew up under the same kind of dictatorship. I don't know what your circumstances are, but mine included a grandmother who needed me. I didn't leave home until I was 28, and that was only because my grandmother had already passed.
If you don't have any other responsibilities at home, the best way (in my opinion) to go on your own, is to start saving money for an apartment NOW. You said you do have a job, so put away some of your paycheck every week as a nest egg for your new life.
No one has to know what you're doing. It's your business, and you're an adult now. You deserve to be able to start your own life and live it to the max.
When you have enough money, have found an apartment and have everything in place, then, tell your mom. If she's as controlling and crazy as my mother was, I actually had to run away (at 28) so as not to have to confront a woman who would have gone totally out of control. I didn't think I deserved that, considering all the aggravation I'd already taken over that 28-year period.
At 20 years old, how are you not allowed to leave if you wish too? I would think she cannot physically restrain you. I would tell her honestly that you feel smothered and that if she can't lighten up a bit and let you grow up, you'll have to get an apartment and leave. If you have a job, can you not find a roommate or two and get a place?
First I suggest you pack your bag and have it ready, and then I suggest you tell your mother she did a very good job raising you as a child, and that you appreciate all her efforts to get you where you are today.
She's raised you to be a man, and now you intend to go out into the world and make the best of the good start she gave you. You know she's probably going to be disappointed - but you sincerely hope that one day she'll be proud of you.
Tell her you intend to keep in touch with her, but if she makes it too much of a drama that's not going to be easy ... so you are hoping that she will kiss you, and love you, and let you go and be the man she helped create.
Remind her that when she's an old lady she will probably need lots of visits from you - but right now she's strong enough to look after herself, and you are old enough to want to look after yourself.
Have your bag packed and your car keys ready, because when you give her the talk it is time to leave. Don't expect to take your bed or your pillow or any of the other goodies in your bedroom that technically belong to your mother. Just take yourself and a suitcase.
If she offers to let you take more stuff, thank her and tell her you'll be in touch once you figure out what you need. Meanwhile, just concentrate on getting yourself out. Go and sleep on the couch of a friend if you have to.
Once you've gone I suggest you ring up a family friend or a relative and tell them what you've done - and ask them please to keep in touch with your mother in case she gets lonely.
Phone your mother the next day and then once a week to tell her that you're okay. If she starts crying on the phone, explain that you are going to hang up and you'll call again the next week. "We'll have a longer talk then, when you are not crying."
This is not the way my adult children had to behave when they left home because I helped them pack up and move with way more junk than they probably needed, lol ... but it is pretty much what happened when I left years ago.
It is nice that your mother enjoys your company, but she has to understand that you are her son - and sons grow up to become independent adults. That's nature. She'll get used to it. Don't give in to emotional blackmail. Life is short and you have a right to enjoy every day of it.
Good luck, young man.
Thats a good strategy. After all the ability to save $ and the opportunity to put +time towards study is the only thing that ties me down here. If i enrolled as a part time student i could move, but then the $$ will be spent and maybe -time 2 Study.
It sounds like you might just have to study hard and fast until you graduate, and then make your move.
It costs nothing to dream. Just keep your eye on the future and know that when the time comes you'll be ready to go.
I know a girl who got a great job. She wanted to move out but instead stayed there for a few years saving up her income since she did not have to pay rent. She then used that money to buy her own house. That is a great way to do it. Later she got married and bought a better house.
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