Do you think more of a wife who leaves a cheating husband or one who stays with

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   Kathleen Cochranposted 12 years ago

   Do you think more of a wife who leaves a cheating husband or one who stays with him?
   
   Started to do a hub on past sex scandals in Washington. Where are they now kind of thing.  Too depressing.  But it made me wonder: Do you think more of a wife who leaves a cheating husband or one who stays?

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   HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years ago

   I think more of one that stays with the cheating husband. Simply because the more we believe the best in another person and our selves we are able to overcome our obstacles and move mountains. If some one is cheating it is because there is a break down of communication. Also there is baggage from the past and negative emotions and feelings that need to be removed from both parties. It's when we don't let go of the past and emotional ties to it, that we make a disaster out of relationships. While seperating for a short bit may make things clearer, in time both people can overcome their issues and have a healthier relationship in the future. Most of the time we don't want to wait to see that we are able to overcome things, or have the patience for others to learn the lessons they need too. We often look at the other and blame them while never looking at ourselves first.

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      Gypsy Willowposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      HMM you have it right!

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   JThomp42posted 12 years ago

   I think more a Woman that has the strength to do the hardest thing instead of just settle for a cheating spouse, which is the easy thing to. How can there ever be trust again. If you stay with him, you are just telling him you can be walked on and get over it. Believe me, once a cheater always a cheater. If you stay, you are just giving them the license to cheat again. Cheating is much, much more than just sex. It is a marital bond that is broken that can never be erased. If he comes in late at times, your mind is always going to wonder.
   
   The hardest thing to do is leave, Especially if you depend on him financially. Adultery is a deal breaker in my book. If someone truly loves you, they will not put you through this torment.

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      HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Think if both people learn to set boundaries...and seriously both agree to take steps to heal, learn and grow, trust does come back in time. But of course if one party doesn't give a dam of course the end result is what you're saying!

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      JThomp42posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I disagree. Been there, done that.

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   cloverleaffarmposted 12 years ago

   I think more of a woman if she leaves. If she stays, she is setting herself up to be used and abused again. It takes a lot for a woman to leave, but she'll be better off for it. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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   pagesvoiceposted 12 years ago

   I really don't feel it is up to me when it comes to judging a wife with a cheating husband. Every marriage has their differences, just like every person knows whether or not certain acts can be forgiven. It is the wife who has to decide what is best for her and it doesn't make a bit of difference what I or anyone outside of the marriage thinks. What I think should be of no concern to the parties involved.

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   Attikosposted 12 years ago

   What I think is that I could never hope to possess enough detail and nuance to judge her decision one way or the other.

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   ahorsebackposted 12 years ago

   On the other hand .......For every husband that "cheats " someones wife is cheating as well , it takes two now doesn't it !  Each situation is unique in  outcomes ! Those who work through it all are heroes too !

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      HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If you only knew how many people are cheating online! To many! How many make it in real offline...probably just as many!

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   tussinposted 12 years ago

   I think more highly of the one who leaves, since it's harder to do logistically.  Redistribution of assets and custody arrangements are messy and it takes a strong will to go through with it.
   
   Staying put to suffer through more adultery is much easier. And don't kid yourself, if a wife stays with a husband after cheating once, he's VERY likely to cheat again because past experience show him there are no consequences for it (e.g. divorce).
   
   I can understand the point of view of a wife who stays after discovering one affair, especially if there are children still living at home.  Some men do change their ways, but it's very few. But a wife who stays in spite of multiple affairs is a fool and there's nothing noble about sticking around to be shit upon again and again. That's no marriage.

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   dianetrotterposted 12 years ago

   If something happened once, may consider the circumstances.  If he is "actively" cheating, you could get a disease.  Kick him OUT!

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    JayeWisdomposted 12 years ago

    That's a really tough question to answer, Kathleen, because it depends on the two people in the marriage and the circumstances in which they find themselves.
    
    Some cheating spouses (and that includes wives who stray) are philanderers who will never change, but continue to humiliate their partner and family if they get by with their affairs. I think serial adulterers should be "kicked to the curb." There are many reasons a spouse will stay with such a person, low self-esteem high on the list. 
    
    Some people are guilty of a one-time affair that shouldn't have happened and for which they feel true remorse.  If they are motivated to prevent it from happening again, want a real reconciliation and the chance to make up for the hurt they caused, plus the opportunity to make their marriage stronger, they will opt for marriage counseling to help them stay true to their vows and avoid temptation.
    
    A marriage is really a contract between two people, and only those two know what they each want from that marriage and what they are willing to forgive.
    
    Some occupations put one of the spouses in the public eye (politics, pro sports and entertainment are the major ones that come to mind) where women (and men) are drawn to them, considering them fair game even if their married state is well known. Power, prestige, celebrity and money all bring the bad girls (and bad guys) out of the woodwork. It takes a very strong person in a very strong marriage to avoid getting entangled in those circumstances.  Wives and husbands of persons in those occupations probably realize the dangers and know what they're willing to accept. Some spouses of cheaters make a trade-off, knowing their partner strays but not wanting to lose their own position, prestige, celebrity, money, etc. that comes with the marriage. It must be terribly difficult to have one's marriage problems on public display while trying to cope with emotional pain and stress.
    
    It's not a cut-and-dried decision, not even for people who don't have power, prestige, etc., so I can't give a one-size-fits-all answer. When I read about these high-profile scandals, I always empathize with the cheated-on spouse, but feel that she or he is the only person who knows all the personal and family reasons for leaving or staying. I always hope that whatever decision is made leads to emotional healing for the hurting spouse, as well as any children involved.

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    tirelesstravelerposted 12 years ago

    I have been thinking about this for better than an hour,  This is an amazing question.  I know a lot of people who are married, have been married, will not get married, live with a significant other and or are divorced. The idea of a monogamous marriage is going out the window.  It used to be easy to define  marriage. 1 man 1 women=1 marriage until death do us part. Now marriage is a union of people who have strong feelings for each other, What does does that mean?
    A woman who discovers her husband cheating and learns why her husband cheated then works on the problem is  a hero in my book.
    It may be financially easier to stay, but if you want moral support from your friends you better leave. A woman staying in a marriage with a cheater doesn't have many friends saying you are a hero for staying after the first offense.
    If he is a repeat offender the bible says you have grounds for divorce.

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    Tusitala Tomposted 12 years ago

    This would depend upon a great many things.  What are the circumstances of the wife at the time?  Would her leaving affect others other than her husband and herself?   Also, it would have a lot to do with the husband and wife's relationship prior to the 'discovery' or 'revelation.'   How forgiving is the wife?  How remorseful is the husband?   Is it likely to be a one-off and never to be repeated or is it likely to be one affair after another?
    
    You must be getting my drift by now.   This is not a simple Yes-No type question.  Things like both parties sense of self-esteem, how much they love one another - all of this and more comes into it.    People write novels about this sort of thing!
    
    I wouldn't think more of one who leaves, or less of one that leaves.  To reiterate, it depends on circumstances, practical, and of the heart.

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       Kathleen Cochranposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I'm amazed at the amount of thought that has gone into these answers.  I see I'm not the only one who has asked themself this question.

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    Justsilvieposted 12 years ago

    Difficult question! 
    
    I think we often give up on marriage too easily, we all make mistakes, some more serious than others and we all deserve a second chance. I think fighting for a marriage often takes more strength than throwing it away. Most affairs are short lived and those straying partners often regret what they have done and really want a chance to right their wrongs.
    
    However, since I don't walk in their shoes I really don’t think more or less of any wife regarding their reactions to an affair. Some are up to the work involved to repair a relationship others had enough of the Drama and just want an out.  Everyone must do what is best for them.

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    Credence2posted 12 years ago

    It is complicated, Kathleen, it would depend on the circumstances of the infidelity, provocation involved, if any, and minor children caught in the mix. But using specific examples such as Gen Betraus or or the 2008 presidential contender (name always slips my mind)who cheated on his wife while she was dying of cancer. , I would more than sympathize and support their leaving their unfaithful mates.
    
    I guess my answer is 'it depends"

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       dianetrotterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       John Edwarads is the person to whom you refer.

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       Credence2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Diane, thanks!

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       Attikosposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Some political couples have more a business arrangement than a marriage. Different expectations apply. We all could name several.

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       Credence2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       affirmative, Attikos, that has to figure in somewhere as well.

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    grand old ladyposted 12 years ago

    Every marriage is different, but oftentimes I find that people who marry cheaters do so knowing they are marrying a cheater. And as said by many in this forum, once a cheater, always a cheater.
    
    The excuses I've heard from women who stay in a marriage where the man is a cheater are:
    
    "It's natural for men to cheat."
    "I didn't marry this guy to change him."
    "Women always run after a man if he has money."
    "If you don't cheat, you're not a Real Man."
    "I know he loves me, even if he cheats."
    "He may cheat but i will always be the Wife."
    "He knows how much I can take. I said my bottom line is that he can't have children outside the marriage." (This is a local celebrity. Then her husband had a child outside of the marriage, and she still stayed with him and even took care of the child).
    "I think more marriages should stay together."
    
    But most of the time, women who stay in these marriages aren't happy. These are explanations I've heard from friends and some from reading local celebrity magazines where the wife knows her husband is a cheater but stays in the marriage anyway.
    
    I read a book about Hilary Clinton that said she married Bill knowing he was a cheater, and it was the love of politics that kept them together even if she knew her husband is a cheater. In an interview with Hilary on TV, she was asked about Monica Lewinsky and Hilary said that through all that time, "I never doubted Bill's love for me."
    
    In the Philippines a politician was running for president, and four of his "wives" were helping in the campaign. The first wife, who everyone agreed would be First Lady was asked about her husband's cheating. She said, "I know my husband really loves me."
    
    I, personally, would not suffer through a philandering husband. I would get out of the marriage. But in some cases, maybe this is the only thing these women know. What do you think of the reasons stated above?

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    akriveraposted 12 years ago

    The wife should only care about her own feelings about herself and consider the events that preceded the infidelity. Whether others think highly of her or not shouldn't influence a decision like that.

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       Kathleen Cochranposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       You are right. Except in the case of her children.  The S.C. governor's wife divorced him when he flew to see his mistress  - mainly because she had sons.  I admire her foresight.

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    Levertis Steeleposted 11 years ago

    Yes, this is a tough question and different commentators have given opposing opinions. So, what is right? The answer is up to the victim involved.
    
    This is for Christians: Would you want God to judge and condemn you as soon as you make a mistake? No. Yet, the decision is still hard. It really depends on the nature and severity of the offense. Leaving a hopeless man is not wrong.
    
    Some offenders may do well with a second chance, but some need to take a hike. Is this behavior repetitive? Was he raped? Seductions do not count. How many times can a man be seduced beyond his control?
    
    Consider a man who was discovered to have had a 15-year affair with another woman and the two of them had three children together. This is a man who has impreganted a kept mistress three times! So, he has raised a family with her. He has a double life and is obviously comfortable with it. The wife can put up with that or take him for all he has as his punishment for his disrespectful boldness. She should also sue the misress for everything possible. It is time that slutty women take responsibility for their whoredoms, too. Adultery is illegal in how many states? Too many offended wives, along with their lawyers, ignore that in court. They should wake up and bring her to the carpet along with the man. It is not about punishment, but about getting the attention of "deaf mutes" who do not know right from wrong. They need to go to school.
    
    Yes, they should be forgiven even if it does not make them better human beings. It helps the victims to heal. It is right to forgive, but lessons are still effective.

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    wheatbaybayposted 11 years ago

    I have agree that is a diffucult question, but I have been in situation where trust was an issue on my part. So therefore, I made the mistake of thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me. I soon found out that he wasn't, but by then it was to late. One thing lead to another and he did start to see another woman. But I fight for him anyway, because I know that I had cause the whole mess by not trusting him. I had one incident happen to me when I was in middle school and I have never been able to trust anyone. Even though he openly cheated on me, it was more about him getting back at me. We have been together for sixteen years now and we both have been faithful to each other since. I think I stayed because I loved him so much and vice versa. But I have to say it also depends on the situation whether a woman should stay or not.

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