Why do women stay in a relationship with a cheater?

1. 69

   Rossimobisposted 15 years ago

   Folk, he is your confident companion, you do everything to satisfy all his needs and in return for your love, he treats you like the moon and the star, you are considered his Queen, he wash your cloths, under wears, cooks for you and even rob your feet, he makes sure that you lack nothing.He is so caring and even jealous of your love, forgives you without an apology each time you make a mistake and encourages you in every aspect of your life (work). He doesn't��t sleep when you are sick and in your little heart, you have but a little prayer.
   
   �Thank you Father God for this wonderful man, this Angel you sent to me, please Lord, bless him and guide him for me.�
   
   But now you are between the devil and the deep blue sea, you are right now or someday in your life between a lie and an apology.
   
   WHAT WILL YOU DO, STAY OR LEAVE?
   
   From my own point of view, most women stay after finding out that the prince of their life is nothing but a liar.
   
   WHY DO THEY STAY?
   1. Lifestyle: Dating or been married to made guy who expose you to a lavish lifestyle may make a woman want to stay in a relationship for fear of giving up her exotic outings, luxurious cars, house, expensive Jewellery and summer holiday overseas.
   2. Children: Most women find it hard to leave a cheating husband just for the sake of their children.
   3. Commitment: Most women are highly committed to their spouse especially when the relationship has been a long one therefore, giving up or leaving a long time mate may become a life altering decision.
   4. Religion: Some wives believe that divorcing a cheating husband is against the law which states �For better and for worse.�
   5. Fear: Most women simply do not want to be alone and once they get use to a particular lifestyle and acquitted with a particular man, give him their trust and accept him whole heartedly, leaving such a man for any reason becomes a fear and this kind of women simply believe that been with such man is even better than been without a man.
   6. Second chance: When we talk about humans, we should always try to remember that we are dealing with imperfect beings so most women consider this and believe that a cheating mate will change if forgiven and given another chance.
   
   I know that most of you especially women might disagree with me, you might be shaking your head as you are reading and in your heart you simply keep saying...Not me! No No Rossi, Not me! You believe that you will just call it off once you catch him right?
   
   Anyway, this topic is for those of us who appreciate quality just like me, it is a special Christmas topic for those ladies out there who are involved in such a relationship, the points above will mostly make sense to any woman who have ever caught her charming prince red handed and yet hanged around him passionately.
   
   I made six points above though every situation varies according to individuals but the main point why most people whether man or woman still hang with a cheating mate is because of a true feeling. LOVE.
   
   Folk, when a man loves a woman, he gives his best to keep her happy thus a woman, she sacrifices everything to make him hers, therefore Love doesn�t instantly condemn. Infidelity in anyway doesn�t instantly cancel LOVE.She might still be crazy about you after everything but guys should learn to be a woman�s dream and not her nightmare.

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      cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      i have no idea why a woman would stay with a man who valued her so little that he would cheapen their love with affairs and expose her to disease besides. my dad cheated on my mom allll the time and it drove her crazy.

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         Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Well maybe it is not affairs we are talking about, but the single affair.
         
         When you mention disease, funny scenario the guys talk about is imagine if someone cheats on girl doing ONS, she finds out, but he manages to get her to forgive him. Still he finds out afterward that he got some gonorrhea or so and now he has to come back to her and say 'You know honey, I think you need to see the doctor, because that little extracurricular activity I did a month ago might have gone bad'. Would that be a drop that fills the cup over?

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         bluesky4realposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Do you know that when you love someone you will sacrifice everything for him/her? We all make mistakes (men and women) and that's human for you. Where I belong, most couple stick together regardless of their weakness because of religion, faith and hope that he/she will change... i don't know if your parents are still together but i know if their love for each other is REAL, they'll endure.

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            Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            You know, I think that if mans love for woman is REAL he won't be fucking other women all the time and he won't be hurting the woman he loves. And yes we all do make mistakes, but no, not all of us make the same kind of mistakes. Especially not again and again...

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               bluesky4realposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Yes, you have a point but its not every man that place value on the word REAL LOVE and the reason we all don't make the same kind of mistakes is because the fingers are not equal. It's not possible for me to start humping around because I have pride and I respect my partner.

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         2. 0

            cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            sorry, the only people who deserve any sacrification are our children. i watched my dad put my mom through emotional hell time and time again, and she took it out on us kids. me mostly. this woman did everything to keep this man from straying: bleaching her hair blonde because he had a blonde lover, following him to Mexico on a train when he ran off with my brother's 5th-grade teacher to Mexico. she grabbed my older sister, who was only 14 one night to accompany her, couldn't find him, then forgave him like an idiot when he got back home. then he got a new lover, a brunette, so she dyed her hair back her original color, a chestnut brown. it didn't work though. he was one of those handkissing type of guys. he had a gorgeous wife but that didn't matter - he needed the ego gratification of multiple partners. i think she had a 'revenge' affair once because late one night my dad was babysitting me and pulled me out of bed and drove to some apartment and told me to stay down in the back seat and left me there, then he and my mom came out and she was weeping and my dad was really ticked off, screaming and yelling at her.
            
            yeah, he was charming and handsome, but a real prick as far as i am concerned (in the context of his relationship with my mom). he took me aside when i was around 13 and told me how men will try all sorts of things with me when i grew up and to not allow them to. he also admitted to me that what he was doing to my mom was wrong. i said maybe you should tell her that, but he just couldn't. he died shortly after that, and then she got really nasty.
            
            this video sums it all up rather nicely, and makes me think of my parents:
            
            The Man With the Beautiful Eyes
            
            (he was the man with the beautiful eyes)
            
            as far as a woman allowing her attractiveness and confidence in herself to be shattered by her husband's affair with a younger woman, um, he is doing that to feel young again or good about himself, and it has nothing to do with you. 50 is the new 30, haven't you heard? women can be beautiful at any age. when i get old i am not going to let some man decide how good i feel about myself. that comes from inside.
            
            affairs aren't fun and games.

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               EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Yikes.  My dad was a serial cheater but thankfully my mother didn't react in the same way yours did - she just left him when I was very young, after deciding enough was enough (there were other things besides the cheating that made her leave though). 
               
               I'm afraid that I don't have much respect for cheaters, whether male or female.  Sometimes stuff happens and people are swept away by their emotions, but AFAICT the majority of cheaters cheat because it boosts their ego, and just because they can. (Like that quip by Edmund Hillary when asked why he climbed Everest: "Because it was there".)

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                  cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  Mhmm. and is doesn't buy them anything, after the immediate gratification fades. what if one of them gets pregnant or catches an STD? i bet they would be all sorry and 'oh please take me back baby she didn't mean anything to me'

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                     EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                     From what I gather in my parents' case it was more a question of "So I stayed out till 4.00 am last night and came back with lipstick on my collar.  So what?  Get over it."

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               PrettyPantherposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Sounds like your dad was a serial cheater.  That is a whole different breed.  Usually accompanied by a personality disorder, such as narcissism.

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                  cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. and yes he was narcissistic and selfish.

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                     PrettyPantherposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                     Well, yes, but there is a difference between a serial cheater and someone who strays once.  Staying with a serial cheater is pure folly, but repairing a marriage after one affair can be the best thing for everyone all around, including the children.
                     
                     I'm sorry your dad was such a negative influence in your life.  That's hard to recover from.

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                        cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                        i thought that's what the OP was talking about - someone who cheats all the time.
                        
                        one affair, as you say, probably doesn't justify deconstructing a whole marriage, but i don't see how you could fully trust your partner again.

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      prosmentorposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      To break from a relationship is not all that easy. When a woman has invested, energy and life into a relationship, just because the cheats, she will not just break from the man. Another reason is that women have strong faith for change.

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2. 56

   Diskobolosposted 15 years ago

   Interesting question, I guess there isn't a single answer, probably a mix of the reasons you gave plus more.
   
   I think another important consideration is under which circumstances did it happen? Was it a ONS with some stranger or hooker while being drunk or is it a months long relationship with another woman.
   
   Another factor is if the woman herself ever cheated on him or some of her previous boyfriends.
   
   Another interesting question on this topic is has a woman ever restored full trust in a man that cheated on her? Or is it impossible no matter how much time does it pass? The same could be asked for man too, but I think that there the answer is more clear - NO.

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3. 56

   Diskobolosposted 15 years ago

   Btw I think your topic would have more response if it was under the Relationship & Dating forum.

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      AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I agree but I also find this topic interesting.

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         Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Besides finding it interesting do you maybe have some viewpoint on the issue itself?

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            AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            I cerainly do! Although I have never been in that type of relationship, I have friends who have and the reason for them staying was not for the comfort of how they lived, or there children it was because they realized there was a breakdown in communication, the bedroom etc. that led he/she to go astray. The stayed beacuse they believed that there love for each other would overcome whatever transpired and both of my friends are still with their husband/wife. The marriage they took seriously and not for granted, both of them have been married over 20  years and I respect there decisions.

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               Hmrjmr1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Dittos on that AE, I've had several friends both male and female that have overcome this, and more it seems that didn't, As for me if either me or my late wife had cheated, we had laid that down early on that was the line we could not cross and expect to continue. Thankfully never had to test it. We were blessed.

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               Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               The fact that they have stayed married for 20 years doesn't mean they are happy and that they made a right decision. Maybe the same fear they had that led them not to end the relationship 20 years ago is the one that kept them in marriage all those years. Of course, maybe they did overcome it.

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                  AEvansposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  I seeing them all of the time they are our neighbors and they are very happy. There love for each other shines through.

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4. 82

   wychicposted 15 years ago

   I also have no idea why a woman would stay with someone who cheated on her. The cheating in and of itself shows a core disrespect and dishonesty that isn't just a one-shot thing, even if he never cheats again those "qualities" are still there. I have difficulties even being friends with people who have cheated on significant others, because just look at how they treated the person they were supposed to love...what would they do to a friend without blinking??
   
   Personally, I treasure love and respect very highly in my relationship, and as much as I love him he'd be gone if he ever cheated on me. I've dismissed someone for infidelity before, I would do it again in a heartbeat, I can't get that trust back. My current SO has also been cheated on before, and thankfully we both agree that that's the one unforgivable sin in our relationship.

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      Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I don't want to sound bad, but no guy will ever end friendship with his buddy, because he cheated on his girlfriend. It does not mean that he would sell his friend and that you can't trust him. I don't know, with girls it might be different, but I'm not so sure either.

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         wychicposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         It doesn't sound bad, it sounds like we know some very different types of men . I made that comment based on a number of people I know who have broken off friendships because their friends cheated on their wives or girlfriends...and of the people I know who do that, I am the only female. My SO, several male family members, and a number of my male friends have all broken friendships for that reason, a couple even ending contact with best friends.

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            Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            In deed it does sounds like we know some very different types of men... most of the one I know don't have this problem because they don't cheat in the first place.

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      lovelife999posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      i agree with you..

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5. 62

   alexandriaruthkposted 15 years ago

   economic dependence and hoping the partner will change and for the childrens sake

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6. 0

   Lady_Eposted 15 years ago

   They say love is blind.
   
   So, she doesn't see the cheater. She sees the man she "loves" and still wants to spend the rest of her life with.

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      incomenewsposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I don't believe in love is blind. I think some women are just too stupid to realize that a cheating man doesn't deserve her love.

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         PrettyPantherposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Love is so much more complicated than this statement implies.  Sexual fidelity is only one aspect of a relationship, especially a relationship that has lasted many years and weathered through many storms.  I'm not wholly convinced that humans, and especially men, are meant to be sexually monogamous for a lifetime.  Maybe some are built for this, but maybe most are not.  I've seen marriages where both are faithful, yet other important aspects are missing, things that I personally could not do without, such as fun, intellectual stimulation, and freedom.  I've seen other marriages where one or both has strayed, yet they truly enjoy each other's company, challenge each other intellectually, and are emotionally and physically connected.
         
         Personally, I would choose the second marriage over the first.

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7. 84

   Marisa Wrightposted 15 years ago

   Fear of being alone is the biggest reason, IMO. 
   
   If you look at relationships where the woman is young, with her own career - 9 times out of 10, she'll walk out on a cheater.
   
   But a woman in her fifties, even if she has money, is more likely to think twice.  She's losing her looks, and if her husband has cheated with a younger woman, she thinks that only goes to prove she's no longer attractive. She hasn't dated in twenty years and she has no idea where you'd meet someone.  She doesn't want to die a lonely old spinster.  She'll hang on to her man because he's better than nothing.
   
   Or take a woman with children. Even if she has money, the thought of earning a living plus raising the kids all on her own is daunting - and she knows she'll struggle to find a new partner who's willing to take on her kids.

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      Diskobolosposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Let's face it, woman in her fifties has lost her look a long time ago.

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8. 0

   lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

   They're either cheating themselves, holding on until something better comes along or truly could care less about him or the relationship.

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9. 69

   waynetposted 15 years ago

   Because they must like cheetahs, they is fast runners!

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10. 61

    h.a.borcichposted 15 years ago

    The broken trust was too much for me and I never thought twice about leaving a cheater. It is not worth the worry about disease or what other trust would be casually broken. Just my opinion

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11. 0

    cosetteposted 15 years ago

    oh boy
    
    i would have said "so i'm kicking your azz out into the cold night and leaving you for something better - get over it"

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       EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Marriage is a lovely thing at times, isn't it? 

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          cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          
          
          grownups can do whatever they want but once little kids come along, they should conduct themselves a little better.

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             EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             The problem is that the arrival of kids puts the average narcissist's nose well out of joint - because wifey's attention is no longer focused on them, but on the child.

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                cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  my mom was one of those moms who basically had the kids and let them fend for themselves. i think she was too up in his face. plus she was really insecure. she grew up on a farm and he was a world traveler when he took her away from there, and she always felt unsophisticated i guess. like Tiger Woods' wife, she expected him to end his partying ways when they got married.

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       wychicposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Have I mentioned I love the way you think?
       
       If he came home late at night with lipstick on his collar, I'd say I hope you two really love each other because if you sleep in any bed tonight it'll be hers...sure ain't mine...and I don't ever want to see you back here.
       
       I agree that a single instance of cheating is not a relationship killer for everyone, I just know that for myself it is. I am already insecure and have a fairly low self-esteem, something my wonderful, ever-patient SO is constantly working through with me, and I know that if he ever cheated I would probably be completely unbearable the rest of my life. Trust is a really big thing for me, I don't trust easily and it takes an act of God to mend my trust once it's been broken, and it just would not work. In many ways, I think emotional cheating is even more destructive than physical cheating...not least of all because it's almost impossible to prove and someone may never know why their significant other is no longer emotionally available for them.

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12. 74

    frogdroppingposted 15 years ago

    Cosette - I'm with you. It's the trust. That's a big issue for me. I'd just feel so damn betrayed.
    
    I truthfully cannot tell you what my reaction would be - post 'realization'. I'd struggle, massively, with learning to trust once again.
    
    A horrible situation

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13. 0

    cosetteposted 15 years ago

    yes. i don't think it's possible to trust again without a lot of hard work on both sides, which is kind of unfair since the cheater is the one who brought all that mistrust into the marriage.
    
    i have to ask the question of people who say it's "ok" to cheat once - if they promised at your wedding "to love, cherish and only cheat once", would you still marry them?

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       Hmrjmr1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Good Point, I think it should be clearly stated at the beginning where the lines you must not cross are, then have the fortitude to 'Hold the Line'. Cheating and abuse are the ones my huny and I had. (I'm a widower) and it held up well through deployments and the military life style for 23 years 10 months and 9 days.
       At various opportunities through out our time I had to ask myself was losing her worth this? The answer was always the same.

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       Sa Toyaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I know what you mean. It's NOT ok! I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I'd never be able to trust again.
       
       Even though it's still wrong I do think it's easier to forgive a random ONS in a bad patch of your marriage. But cheating for a period of weeks/months/years- even with one woman is Wrong.
       
       My father cheated on my mother as far as I know it was once but it wasn't a ONS it probs was no more than 2-3 months. I've got a 8 yr old bro so my moms still trying to work out the accumulated chubs. He was 2/3 at the time.
       
       We saw the signs before she did and she started seeing it while we were telling her about it. Friends from school said they'd see our dad's car parked outside a house in a village half an hour away. She started checking the pone bill and two strange numbers kept popping up.
       He seems to be working more shifts at odd times.
       The phone would ring we'd say hello and the person would hang
       up.
       Money was being spent by him-creating monetary problems at home.
       When she realised and all signs were clear- he said he didn't have sex with her- it was emotional
       Even if just as bad- he was intimate...besides why would he be at the woman's house for 2/3 hours at a time and not have sex.
       My mother's mixed race and full figured...normally a size 16...since my brother its been hard for her to lose the weight she gained (2 dress sizes).
       She took I HARD
       He's the ONLY man she's ever been with. PERIOD!
       
       She stayed....why I don't know! He's not exactly  great father either and she checks his phone lots. I know the trust has bee breached. I know she cannot afford to leave him either. I also believe she thinks she can't get anyone else. He doesn't exactly make her feel sexy. He doesn't take her out. Go out with her.
       Just last night there was a party and soooo many families went. He was the only husband who stayed home....I stood there making excuses for him :
       
       I want her to leave him but she's the one that has to. My sis and I are getting a flat and moving out soon...I want to make enough money and say to her..you can do it.
       
       He doesn't help out around the house either and is VERY chauvinistic ad makes many homophobic/rcist comments.
       
       I'm going to stop now before I get seriously pissed off but yes
       
       I agree trust is broken. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat is a cheat!

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       frogdroppingposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       No. I'd be too damn hurt. I'm known for being terribly forgiving (and I am) but I give my loyalty 110%. I expect the same in return.
       
       I have never gone astray - and I have had temptation thrown at me, more than once, and in times of duress ... when I'm supposing most are more vulnerable to a moment of madness.
       
       I'm not perfect but for me, it's a huge NO. Oddly, I'm equally offended if a person would think me capable of cheating.
       
       Gods but I don't even flirt!

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    PrettyPantherposted 15 years ago

    I don't think anyone has said it is "ok" to cheat once.  However, your spouse can hurt you many ways during a marriage, many of them involving trust.  Are those also "unforgivable"? 
    
    Keep in mind, almost one in three men cheat; most of them are never discovered.

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       EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       They can be. 
       
       
       
       
       Not quite sure where you're going with this?

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          PrettyPantherposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          You could be quite happily married and blissfully ignorant of your partner's affair.  If you never find out and nothing else goes seriously wrong, you will most likely remain happily married.

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             EmpressFelicityposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Yeah, but...?  I could be happily married to a serial killer and be blissfully ignorant - doesn't mean that what he's doing is right! 
             
             This is kind of going off on a tangent, anyway; obviously if you didn't know that your husband was cheating and you were perfectly happy in the marriage otherwise, you'd stay!  (Perhaps the OP's original question should actually have been worded along the lines of "Why do women stay in a relationship when they know their husband/partner is a cheater?")

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                PrettyPantherposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Yes, it's gone off tangent and I originally jumped in because someone said a woman would have to be stupid to stay with a man who had cheated on her.
                
                My point is that one can still be happy in a marriage even if someone has cheated and it isn't stupid to want to save a worthwhile relationship.  In my opinion, it's naive to say you would automatically dump someone because of cheating, as there are so many other factors involved in a relationship.

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    Bredaviesposted 15 years ago

    Low Self Esteem. All i have to say.

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    amitkumarghoshposted 15 years ago

    In order understand the issue there are two major assumptions. Number one that woman do stay with cheater and secondly staying in relationship means things are unwilliness to break away. Before I proceed with my point with those assumptions, it is important to state  that males stay with cheating women as well and staying is a relationshup is not necessarily due to unwillingness to snap the tie.
    
    Taking in generic terms, if we look at evolutionary history. I believe that women are binder or builders. They invest more in relationship and therefore find it difficult to shatter it depite being hurt. by nature and biology they had to keep on investing in a relationship or bond despite the fact it is eating her away
    
    Prime example....we know human embrayo acts like a compete parasite draining everything out of her.....yet ewhen he or she comes out  she embraces him or her as dearest.
    I am nopt surprised if some woman continuing in a relationship despite being cheated.
    
    It is strangely mysterious  but that what feminity is all about

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       cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       wow, never thought of an embryo being compared to a parasite.
       
       actually, a woman takes better care of herself when she is pregnant. i didn't consume any caffiene when i was pregnant, eat junk food or anything like that. i don't eat junk food now, but i do drink a cup of tea every morning, but i wouldn't if i was pregnant. some women who are smokers stop smoking when they are pregnant. women take these precautions because they are protecting a helpless unborn baby. why should a lying cheating dude get the same protection. he's a big boy
       
       only our children deserve our unconditional love, IMO.
       
       
       
       
       
       you say "alone" like it's a bad thing...

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          amitkumarghoshposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          there you go Cosette..... that woman take care of themselves better .
          
          They do have this quality to do things that defy normal logic
          
          take care

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    adsensesecretsposted 15 years ago

    i think their self esteem is down and so they dont want to be alone. they think the person will change. they also want to fix things as women have a thing for fixing and helping people. they also probably blame themselves a little?

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    cosetteposted 15 years ago

    
    
    i think it's just nature telling them to do the right thing.

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    yenajeonposted 15 years ago

    Personally, I would never ever forgive or stay with a cheater. I know I deserve more than that, so I never would. However there are many reasons women stay.
    -afraid to leave
    -difficulties of starting over a new relationship
    -divorces are expensive
    -children
    -still in love
    -dependence
    on and on and on!

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