Could you stay with a mediocre lover? Suppose you are crazy about them, except f

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   savvydatingposted 10 years ago

   Could you stay with a mediocre lover? Suppose you are crazy about them, except for that one thing.
   
   Suppose you loved everything about him or her, and even felt a deep attraction toward them, but the sex is mediocre or boring. Would you stick it out, go to therapy, or say "Forget it, the spark isn't happening." Keep in mind, you feel deeply for this person. I'm pretty sure I know what I would do, but I'm curious about how others view this dilemma.
   
   

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   duffsmomposted 10 years ago

   I think when two people are close enough to embark on a physical relationship, they should also be able to talk about it. Sexual intimacy isn't a static thing it can change and evolve with desire.  I would discuss it with the person I love.  Sexual intimacy is important but it a only a part of a greater whole. All aspects of a relationship need to be worked on so that both people feel loved, content and satisfied.
   
   I would definitely stay and work on it together.

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      savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Lovely answer, duffsmom. Sexual intimacy is a strong form of communication. If things aren't going well, it can be difficult to talk about, but it may feel more natural if a couple can show caring throughout the day.

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   moonfrothposted 10 years ago

   At the risk of sounding conventional--a state I am but rarely accused of--I think the (even "an") answer to this question depends on age.  Very young people are rampant about sex--it's so NEW and so exciting--they want to rut their days away and pure physicality is everything (for one of the best "visions\" of this happymindless state, read Leonard Cohen's early novel, "Beautiful Losers").  A relationship without consuming sex is simply not on the radar.
   
   Now fast-forward to a couple in their mid-forties.  MUCH more complicated.  Here it IS possible to care deeply for your mate and survive mediocre sex, because abiding and deeply experienced qualities can overcome bad sex.  I think that is true, and I know many couples who seem content with a very occasional, perfunctory, orgasm-oriented whee! sexual interlude in an otherwise non-sexual relationship. I guess that's workable, but think it's inherently limiting.  It saps joy.
   
   Have you ever noticed couples in restaurants?   The ones who go thru an entire meal and barely say a word to each other?  I will guarantee they have a bad sex life.  How about that OTHER couple over there, who are giggling and talking animatedly and touching each other?  They have a healthy sex life.
   
   Sex isn't just grab--roll over--grunt--grunt--uhh--roll over again.  Sex is a caring, eager, suggestive, touching, excited-to-be-with-you DAY.  The actual sex is a culmination of all that.  That's why it's so good........and that's why it's so hard for middle-aged and older people to pull it off (no pun intended).  Their days are so full of worry and stress that they've forgotten their priorities, the stuff that really matters between them.  A great couple of lines from Wordsworth--"The world is too much with us/ Late and soon, getting and spending/ We lay waste our powers"
   
   So, Savvy, do we stay with mediocre or poor lovers?  Unfortunately, yes we do.  In droves.  And in doing so we waste our powers, limit our happiness, and back-burner our potential.  I think in many cases all this is quite unnecessary.  Partners need to communicate, they need to talk about what they want and need,  They need to touch.  What's that line from the old song?---"Touch my hair as you pass my chair/Little things mean a lot."
   
   Yup.

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      savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Moonfroth. That's my feeling exactly, that bad sex "saps joy."  I've always thought that intimacy is what happens all day long. Truly, it makes me sad to see the frazzled woman and unhappy man together, but uncommunicative.

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   rose-the plannerposted 10 years ago

   Hello savvydating.  You come up with some amazing, thought provoking questions.  Although great, compatible sex is important, it is only one aspect of a "real" relationship.  If we are talking about relationships that are based primarily on sexual experiences with varying partners then I guess it really doesn't matter whether one stays or goes but if we are talking about a committed relationship then I think it is important to communicate with one another to get to the core of the issue.  This is what's wrong with the world today!  It is so much easier for people to walk away instead of talking about their feelings or problems and working through them.  Let me reiterate, although I believe the physical act of sexuality is important, we can't forget that a good relationship is made up of so much more on so many levels.  So to make a long story short, if a relationship your in is worth something to you, then stay and work through it together.  Once again, great question thanks for posting!

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      savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Hi rose-the-planner. Thank you for the compliment!! Indeed, communication may resolve some sexual concerns, perhaps to the point where couples feel quite contented. Yet, I know someone who is still talking this thing out after 20+ years of marriage.

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      rose-the plannerposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      WOW!!!!  If a couple has not resolved their issues after dealing with the same problem for 20 years then there is definitely something else going on.  If they have exhausted all avenues and have given it their all, then it is definitely time to move

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      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Everyone says it's "easy" to walk away but the truth is it's easier NOT to make changes! If it were so (easy) no one would stay in abusive relationships. Getting married is a LOT easier than going through a divorce. It takes courage to start anew.

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      savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Hi rose-the-planner. The couple I mentioned is basically pretty contented. They are very family oriented. The intimacy is just a bit ho hum., but they seem Ok with it, I guess. They are very invested in the marriage and will likely stay together.

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   dashingscorpioposted 10 years ago

   I suppose it really comes down to whether a person believes they can have it all or not. Another major factor is how high is sexual compatibility is on one's priority list for long-term relationship or marital happiness.
   The knew jerk reaction is to make anyone who desires sexual fulfillment in their relationship to seem shallow. I on the other hand subscribe to the belief that life is a (personal journey) and each of us gets to (choose) our own "deal breakers".
   There is no "right" or "wrong" only "agree" or "disagree"
   Personally speaking I cannot imagine going the rest of my life without being sexually fulfilled. I'd rather end a relationship than cheat on the person. I wrote about this awhile back. http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … ationships

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      savvydatingposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      dashingscorpio, I fully understand, and I do not judge the need for sexual fulfillment as shallow - far from it. Some people have higher libidos. Some have been with skilled lovers and, they especially might feel terribly unhappy re: incompatibility.

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