Can a Player Change for the Woman He Loves?

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   DanielleCheriseposted 12 years ago

   My fiance and I have been together for 16 months. And recently decided to get married. He seems very ready to marry me, is active in helping me plan the wedding and always talks about how excited he is to be with me. But we have a problem, a big problem. Throughout our relationship he has been a bit of a "player". He texts other girls saying he likes them and wants to be with them. there is one girl in particular that he constantly talks to even thought I have broken up with him over it twice before. he eventually stopped talking to her, but when I went to Navy basic training he started again. I recently found out and put all wedding planning on hold. How can i be sure that he will really stop talking to this girl? Should I continue to try to work with him or just accept that hes a player and leave him

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   1. 67

      Anti-Valentineposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Short answer: no. Leopards don't change their spots.

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         DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for your input. I hope that's not true

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   2. 68

      dashingscorpioposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Don't marry someone you don't trust! For you to move forward with wedding plans is crazy. You've seen the "red flags" and you have questions in your heat. (If something doesn't feel right to you then it's not right for you!)
      
      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.

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      1. 67

         Anti-Valentineposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         +1

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      2. 62

         DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         True. I can see how keeping my head in the decision is important. I really want us to work though . I guess my heart wants my head to believe that he really loves me and will change for me.

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2. 76

   psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

   Every situation is different, but it sounds like maybe the trust is not there to make the relationship permanent?  You don't seem to be on the same page about what is acceptable conduct within a relationship, let alone a marriage?

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   1. 62

      DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your input! Your right, to him he is not doing anything wrong since its "only texting". But its a big deal to me, and I see it as cheating!

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      1. 76

         psycheskinnerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Just IMHO, but if he was serious about marriage  he would respect your wishes and limit himself to reasonable and non-flirtatious interactions with other women.  It isn't necessarily about sex, but about respecting what makes the other person uncomfortable and coming to a mutually satisfactory agreement.

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         1. 62

            DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I would think so too...

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3. 0

   Brenda Durhamposted 12 years ago

   If he likes other girls and wants to be with them, as you said he does, then why does he want to marry you?
   It rather looks like that not only can he not be trusted, but that he's taunting you with that openly....

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   1. 62

      DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I don't really understand it. I mean why would he propose to me and pursue a life with me,  yet still hang onto someone to flirt with...

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         Brenda Durhamposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I think you need to ask him that,  point out to him how messed up it is, and go from there.   He either isn't ready to settle down, or isn't ready to settle down without having his cake and eatin' it too,  or else he's insecure and afraid of being hurt (therefore he's making the scenario where you'll be hurt and not him),   or he's simply a jerk who doesn't care if he hurts you.........who knows?
         The point is that, if you want a monogamous marriage with a husband you can trust, you should hold him responsible.   Because it's his problem and not yours.  It'll drive you nuts if you live every day trying to figure him out.  He should be figuring it out himself.    Before you get married.  Because then it will become your problem too in a way.
         That's just my opinion.
         You know a lot more about the whole situation than I could ever know.
         I wish you the best!

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         1. 62

            DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I asked him about it recently, after i found out he was still talking to the girl. And he couldnt really give me a reason as to why he was doing it. He promised to stop talking to her, but since we are long distance right now I have no way of knowing if he is really keeping his word. He seems really upset about doing wrong, but I dont know if it is just an act. He offered to call her and break it off, record it and then send me the recording. But when he sent it to me, my phone wont open it. I dont know what to do. I feel like it would be foolish to just believe him that he actually stopped this time.

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4. 52

   Lynzieshipeposted 12 years ago

   Key word of advice dont stay with him i went threw same thing and unless your willing to give in and just let him do what he is doing then dont because I have been married for 4 years and he is still doing it yes he loves you but at te same time he likes te idea of multiple girls not just you  you will think he has stopes but you will find he has not so unless u want to be swingers then leave him because I can say its filled with heart ache disappointment an i wouldn't be with myn if it wasn't for our 2 children

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   1. 62

      DanielleCheriseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your response. I'm sorry that your going through that . Men can be a pain, i dont understand why some of them would even commit if they are not really ready. I feel like my fiance wants to be ready, but Im not sure if he really is. Im afraid that even if he gave this girl up, that in the future there may be a simialar situation.

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