Dominant male

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   schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years ago

   When you care about being with someone but they are overly dominant.....
   
   I'm losing interest in someone like that
   
   Why would a smart, independent, healthy woman want a man who tells her what to do, how to spend her money, and complains a lot?
   
   I'm wondering if there really is any icing here for me.
   
   Hey---I get the part that being in a relationship is (partly) about what you can give---not (just) what you can get...but give me a freaking break----this is going too far!!!

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Because thats what makes for good couch romping. Can you really let go of the couch?? !?

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         schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Ha Ha Ha
         
         I get it,
         
         yeah the "dominant" part is sort of a "role play" for "fun"

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      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      A lot of women are drawn towards powerful and decisive men.
      Maybe they are looking for a man who is a "take charge" type of guy.
      Possibly they want a father like figure who is in (control) which makes them feel secure.
      
      The only problem with such men is they often have to be in charge of everything and everyone they come in contact with. (her) mate selection criteria she is likely to choose a similar man again.
      
      "When we change our circumstances change"
      
      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
      We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.
      
      It's unrealistic to expect someone to change.
      People change only when (they) are unhappy.
      
      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
      - Oscar Wilde
      
      Clearly anyone who seeks to take away your freedom to make decisions for yourself does not value you as an equal let alone see you as "special".

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         - like.

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      2. 77

         schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Well, what is it? Good or bad. You listed alot of good reasons for men to be controlling in the first part and then said at the end it was not good.
         I agree with accepting people as they are (and circumstances). You have to take the bad with the good.

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            Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            It is a matter of protecting your Self.
            If the man is a good man, you know it and don't need to protect yourself against him.
            You know when your very mental health is in jeopardy---> well, you should.
            Protect your peace of mind and your autonomy at all costs until you find some one who can cherish you and your strength and add to it. Some one strong who you can also cherish and willingly contribute to.
            Someone WORTH loving and and helping. (There are a lot of egos out there.)
            
            Right?

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               schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               Right!

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         2. 73

            dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            schoolgirlforreal,
            
            Life is a (personal) journey.
            
            When it comes to relationships it's not about "right" or "wrong" but rather "agree" or "disagree".  Does this couple want the same things?
            That's all that really matters.
            
            If someone enjoys having a dominant person for a mate then it's "good" and if they don't then it's "bad". What it comes down to is how each of us (perceives) love. Everyone has their own "must have" list for a mate.
            
            If you are (happy) having a guy who takes control over everything in your life you would view all the traits I listed as pluses! I on the other hand never said they were "good" or "bad". I simply explained why in my opinion (some women) may be "attracted" to these types of men.
            
            One woman may view such men as loving and nurturing while another woman simply sees them as controlling and manipulative. For those women who are (unhappy) or fall in the latter category they wouldn't see being controlled as being "special" or loved. Thus the Oscar Wilde quote.
            Only (you) know what is "right" for you!

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               schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               ok i get it, thank you for explaining.
               
               I do like those traits to an extent.
               But not total contol.no.
               
               good food for thought.

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      HowardBThinameposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      If you're having trouble with it now - get out of the relationship before you invest anything else in it.
      
      In my experience, those one-sided relationships rarely work out. Either you end up being just as aggressive, or you end up unhappy. He's unlikely to change.
      
      Life is short - don't settle for less than you're worth.

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         schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years ago

   There is a book called Women Who Love too Much. You might want to pick it up.
   Free yerself as fast as you can!
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A

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      schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks
      
      That's a good book, just looked at it on amazon
      
      I do believe some times women love too much

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      dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I've heard of this book and I along with many other men have never met such a woman!
      
      The truth of the matter is there are many men who are prepared to (die) in order to protect their wives and family and no one would claim that these (men) "love too much"!
      
      Maybe the book  should have been titled
      "Women Who Don't Love (Themselves) Enough!"

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

         Have you read the book?
         It contains good advice for men too. A lot of people compulsively love others… without loving themselves first or at all.
         I believe one must tune into one's own ambitions, dreams, hopes, interests and passions. They must live their own lives through themselves and not through others. It would be a very good book to read and contemplate for anyone. It is in line with a new science which I believe we must all embrace: the science of the (true) Self.
         IMO

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            dashingscorpioposted 10 years agoin reply to this

            No, I've never read the book but I have read the synopsis.
            It's really not about loving (men) too much.
            That's why I thought the title should be:
            "Women Who Don't Love (Themselves) Enough!"
            
            In my own book: My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany)
            I also explore some reasons why people choose toxic mates for themselves. As you stated it has a lot to do with them not loving themselves and needing to please others in hopes they'll validate them.
            
            Until a person does the introspective thinking to figure out who (they) are and what they want/need in a mate they are likely to allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. If I behave like a doormat I can't be upset with someone for walking on me.
            
            "Never separate your heart from your mind when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart."
            http://www.amazon.com/Cat-Wont-Bark-Rel … 1468104721

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               Yes.
               and Wow!
               
               Congrats!

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               schoolgirlforrealposted 10 years agoin reply to this

               One of the things that made a lot of sense to me in the book summary was that people (men or women) gravitate to others (usually with a substance issue) because they themselves had tough childhood where abuse took place to mi-mick what used to occur because they are used to it, and that FEELS like love since it's what they were given as a child.
               
               But in some cases, people like to be in a dominant/sub relationship too I think. For other reasons. Possibly.

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   Kerry Gleesonposted 10 years ago

   A "dominant" male is not necessarily good or bad. Men have been raised, in most cases to be dominant. Over the years we have decided we also want them to be sensitive, and dominant and every other thing we think makes the perfect mate. The truth is they are only human.
   
   What you need to decide is, "Do you like a dominant personality in your mate?" , and if so, "How much dominance and in what situations?" If you don' t like it now, you won't like it any better in 6 months. If you are okay with it BUT only in certain areas, then you need to make that clear with him asap.
   A submissive personality works best with a dominant personality but two dominant personalities will clash.
   Also what you are describing sounds more like a control freak. There is a difference between "dominant" and controlling. I know it's easy to blur that line but there is a difference.
   The most important thing to do here is communicate. Talk about your wants, needs, and expectations. Let him know what you will and will not put up with. If you give up too much control early on, and the relationship progresses you will not get that control back. It may seem sort of okay now because you are early into the relationship and early on you can over look a lot. Trust me it's not so easy to over look down the line.
   So decide if you want this or not and talk to him about your feelings.

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