Hey hubbers, long post, thanks in advance to anybody who replies...
So, I've been dating this girl for about 4 years, and we've gotten real close. Everything's been good, we have our occasional quarrels, but we're always fine.
Anyways, I guess she hit some boiling point this weekend. We were hanging out after school, and she ended up meeting some of her friends and I started feeling ignored. I've had major jealousy issues in the past, (nothing that's ever been an issue with her, with another girl) so I try to keep it under control, so I end up talking to one of her friends until she's done with her chicks. Later in the day over the phone she's acting weird, distant, like something's really upsetting her. You know, usual things, like "What's wrong," she says "nothing..." Anyways, she hangs up on me, and I'm worried.
I was chatting her the today, she's angry at herself for feeling angry, she's angry at herself for making me feel bad, etc. She's wallowing in self pity. She's really passive, doesn't like to concern others with her problems, blames herself, and I don't know how to handle this. She means ALOT to me, and I'd hate to lose her because she can't handle HERSELF, I mean, yeah, it's not even me, I didn't even mess up, I don't know what to do when she's upset with HERSELF. She's done this several times, though not this bad, she can't even talk to me. She's had problems in the past handling her emotions concerning me, but never this bad.
Please, can somebody please help me handle this? Any advices? I'm feeling lost right now.
Your profile seems to indicate that you are approximately 21.
You said you have been with this girl for about (4) years which would suggest you met when you were in the 16/17 age range.
Very few people meet their "soul-mate" at that age.
They haven't figured out who (they are) yet let alone know what kind of mate they want/need for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately as teens we look to emulate our parents or other adult relationships. Oftentimes we have unrealistic expectations which set us up for our first heartbreak. I can't tell you how many teenage lovers go off to different colleges expecting to maintain a long-distance relationship for the next 4-6 years.
Eventually one or both start to socialize/party with students who are actually on campus with them and dating others ensues.
They were too young and immature to realize they were being unrealistic.
Youth is a time for learning, exploring, and discovery.
People and relationships evolve over time. What one may have considered their "ideal mate" at age 16/17 may not be what they want at ages 21, 25, 31 or beyond. One day a person realizes they're simply not happy.
Don't be surprised to discover that she is ready to make a change. By that I mean either date other people or she feels the relationship has run it's course. She may feel bad about this because she sees you as being a "good/nice guy".
Some people have problems with coming right out and saying they want out of a relationship. The cowardly approach is to anger their mate enough to cause them to be the one to break things off, or they distance themselves/ask for space, until the relationship gradually dies, or they pray you will do something that gives them a "legitimate reason" in their mind to explode and breakup with you.
There's no need to play games.
It's also possible that she is unhappy with her life (as a whole) and wants to shake things up a bit. It's not uncommon for someone feeling depressed to feel they need a "fresh start".
Communication is the GPS for relationships.
It lets you know if you're "growing together" or "growing apart".
You need to have a (face to face) conversation with her. No phone calls, emails, or texting. Tell her that you sense she is "pulling away from you" and you want to know if she wants out of the relationship.
(Be silent and wait for her answer)
If she says "yes" then accept it and let her know you wish her the best.
Odds are she'll think about how graceful you were about it and may decide she really doesn't want to breakup with you after all. It's also possible she may be relieved. Either way you will find out the truth.
On the other hand she may tell you about some other issue she's been having. I suspect however it does involve your relationship. Any couple that's been together for 4 years probably has discussed every outside issue that happens in their lives. Keeping secrets implies a lack of trust.
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
If someone has been in a 4 year relationship with you and does not feel they can talk to you about everything it means they don't see you as being "the one". As I stated the majority of teenage lovers don't end up living happily ever after. She may be evaluating this stage of her life.
"She doesn't like to concern others with her problems" yet here you are getting all-concerned. That means whatever she's doing - she's doing it wrong! If she's upset with herself and can't handle her own emotions, then most probably - neither could you. Better ask her directly what she really wants than try to guess what's really happening. Not a love expert here though because no one's truly an expert in love. :3
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