Confused about this woman

1. 58

   Mr.Cruzposted 14 years ago

   Hello here is my story and your opinion would really help. I met this woman about 1 year and a half ago. When we met she was on the verge of leaving her kids father, she told me that they were on and off for 8 years. I believe i made the mistake and got involved and i shouldnt have. We had sex while she was still living with him. Then about 4 mos later she finally moved out on her own. Her and I grew close over the year but i think i have found myself wanting more from this woman. Everytime i try to talk to her about where i stand with her it becomes an argument about me not understanding her situation and that she tells me everything that is going on. However i feel that there is still more that she is not telling me. I think she maybe still sleeping with her kids father however she claims i am the only one she has been sleeping with. I am very confused on this situation, she has told me that she loves me but when she told me she said that she didnt want to because she wasnt ready to go there with me. Yet another confusing statement. I need some advice from some women on this situation i have run out of patience with her and i believe that i have put too much time, money and effort into showing her what i am really about. i think its time to walk away. can i get some advice from a womans standpoint por favor and gracias.

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   1. 63

      prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      give her a choice, ultimatum, if you have doubts that is not good also ,talk to her fullheartedly and tell her whats in your mind too
      
      you shouldnt have slept with her in the first place,if she is with the father of her children still, if she can do that to the father, why not now???
      
      are you committed to her or planning to marry her?

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   2. 71

      Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I've been in situations like this in the past and I've learned that there is going to a problem, if you are not me. Your trust issues are not going to go away. So I suggest you fix your trust issues before this relationship goes any further, in any direction forward. Otherwise, cut and walk away.
      
      You claim that she has told you that she loves you. This is probably true. However, what many people don't bother to listen to is the words that came out of her mouth.
      
      She said that "She loves you". This is to only mean that she has had a wonderful time with you, she enjoys your witty humor and your feelings for her. There isn't anything about you she doesn't like, otherwise she wouldn't love you.
      
      What's missing is the words "IN LOVE WITH"?  These words are always mistaken, as being the same as I love you. And, the words have two completely different meanings. Loving someone, makes them a close friend and kept at a distance. Even, if you've already had sex with this woman, it is irrelevant. I cannot say much more about the situation, because your situation isn't likely to be the exact same as mine.
      
      With that said. I think you need to demonstrate more patiences, depending on your own feelings toward her. If you plan on rushing her, then YOU are going to lose her. If you think she is cheating, then do something about that issue and put it behind you, because if it is still lingering in your mind, your trust of her will not be 100% and you'll only waste time in the relationship for which has no forward motion.
      
      I hope I helped out.

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      1. 50

         bretya craneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Sex is not for single people but for married people.

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         1. 71

            Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Now, this is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            
            

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      2. 50

         bretya craneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Sex is not for single people but for married people.  We all like to think that by having sex whilst single lets us know of the person.  This is not always true.  It is not pleasing to God and yes God did spare some people in the past but it is better not to have to find out the hard way.  After all when we all die there is no community service up in the sky and there are only three places to go to.  Only one is good.

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         1. 50

            bretya craneposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry folks.  It is up to God but we can all try and make amends.  After all God knows we are not all perfect at least not 100% all of the time.  Some people have a good sex realtionship and after marriage it goes down hill.  Sex was never for single people.

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   3. 59

      currenteventposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think this women is not ready for a relationship, she might still be in love with her ex. Because as a woman i know when i say i love you to a man, i definetly wanna be with him and no one else. I think almost all woman can agree with me when i say that.i think you should move on and find somebody who cares about you as much as you care about them. Don't settle for second best.

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      1. 71

         Cagsilposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         PERIOD! End of story!

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   4. 94

      Urbane Chaosposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Alright bro, I'm not a chick, but I want you to think about some things for a second..
      
      First, you hooked up with this chick while she was still married.  Put yourself in her position - she's going through hell having to deal with her husband, while at the same time trying to raise her children in the best way that she can. 
      
      If that was you, how do you think you'd feel? 
      
      She's lonely, stressed, and feels like there's nowhere to turn.  She's desperately craving attention, and her husband wasn't giving it to her.
      
      She turned to the first person that gave her release from these things, and that was you.  Dude, look, her emotions were all out of wack.  Anytime someone's going through something like that, they're not going to be thinking clearly - they're going to want to get attention from somewhere, to feel appreciated again.  Basically, their emotions control what they do.
      
      So now, flash forward a year and a half.  Where is she now?  Well, apparently she left her husband and has moved on.. Now you have to realize that a year and a half doesn't replace eight years, but beyond that, she's got what she needed.  You've built her up so that she feels good about herself again.  She doesn't need that release anymore, so she's content with the way things are. 
      
      But, she's still a wreck inside.  Look at it this way, her and her ex were on again/off again for 8 years.  There's a deep connection there, but at the same time, there's something that's keeping either one or the other from being in a committed relationship.  From what you said, I'm assuming that it has to do with her.
      
      Is this really someone you really want to be with?  Do you want to continually fight her for her love and affection?
      
      Beyond that, you said that you don't trust her.  The simple fact is this: Without trust, no relationship will work.  Trust is something that is essential for any good relationship.
      
      To me, it already sounds like you've made your decision.  I say that it's time to act on it.  Quit beating yourself up over someone who obviously has issues, and get out there and take control of your life.
      
      Look man, there's plenty of fish in the sea.. now go out and catch one that's right for you.
      
      I wish ya the best..

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   5. 60

      ambiecaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think you are right and it is most likely time to back off and walk away.  She may be overwhelmed with her children and their father and torn between the two worlds which will never free her to be with you completely.  That isnt fair to you.

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2. 61

   h.a.borcichposted 14 years ago

   Well, you knew things were complicated from the get go. That hasn't changed. She kept the truth about you from him, and now you think she may be lying to you about sleeping with him? You know she can say one think and do another. Not judging her - just looking at the evidence.
   I would definately pull back. She needs to figure things out, and she needs to be healthy in order to partake in a healthy relationship. Being a friend in the distance would be better than a lover in the fray if you hope to ever have a significant relationship with her. It is apparent that you care deeply, I hope the best for you. Holly

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3. 69

   ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

   I must disagree with the previous advice.
   DO NOT give her the choice of what is going to happen.  You must be the one to decide.  This same situation has happened with a friend or two of mine.  Unfortunately, here seems to be problem. 
        She knows that she should leave him, and deep down she knows in her head, that she would be better off with you, and you are the logical choice, but due to the fact that she has low self esteem she feels that she does not deserve better, and for the same reasons, she jumps from guy to guy. 
        Think about this----if she is cheating on him with you, if you do get together, guess what she will do next? and this will always be something you will think about.
        Until she gets the mental and emotional help she needs, she is no good for anyone, not even, and especially for her kids.  Run, and don't look back, you deserve better.

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4. 85

   wychicposted 14 years ago

   I know every woman is different, but speaking from my own perspective and what I've observed in others...if a woman knows what she wants, she'll generally go for it and not let anything stand in the way if the benefits are great enough. She obviously hasn't done this, so that makes me think that she's not clear enough about her own desires and you might be happier with someone that IS clear.

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5. 71

   Cagsilposted 14 years ago

   Sorry, don't mean to interrupt, I've already given my thoughts on this topic, but wanted to drop in a little note to Hubbers in the Community, just in case they didn't already know?
   
   Join today, sign up, doesn't cost anything- Men or Women?
   
   Any Men or Women who either doesn't know or hasn't joined?
   
   Check it out?
   
   http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/31352#top
   
   Thank you for your time and back to your topic.

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6. 73

   AEvansposted 14 years ago

   Honestly you should walk away there is something completely wrong with the picture if she is not choosing to commit herself only to you. Cut the strings and walk away.

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7. 80

   KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

   You obviously have feelings for this woman and it's never easy to just "cut and walk away" when you have feelings for someone.  Why not give her a little space?  Meaning, pull back a bit and tell her that you realize things are complicated for her and you'll give her the time to sort it out and let the time reveal the truth.  I know that isn't necessarily easy either because in the meantime your own life is in limbo.  But, is there REALLY a need to make a FINAL decision NOW?

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8. 68

   trish1048posted 14 years ago

   Hello, Mr. Cruz,
   
   Here are my thoughts about your situation.
   It is very obvious, based on your explanation, that the woman is confused and unhappy, to say the least.  It is my belief that she cannot and does not know how to resolve her own issues, therefore, looking elsewhere for an escape, or, at the very least, a way to not think about what's going on at home.  Sadly, this is at your expense.
   It has also been my experience that allowing ones self to get involved with someone who is in a marrige or committed relationship is a dead end, period.  Until and unless that person gets their head on straight, only then will something new be able to be realized.  It appears to me that this woman is looking for the proverbial knight in shining armor to rescue her from her situation.
   Add to this situation the children.  What kind of role model is she setting?  When life gets too tough, run away?  seek solace in another relationship while not being rid of the one she's in?  seek solace in a bottle or drugs? 
   Be clear, I am not suggesting that she stay for the sake of the children.  That is always a mistake.  Kids are not stupid and at a very young age they can sense things are not right, even if they don't know what the true problem is.  It is my opinion that a child is better off with one happy parent than two miserable ones.
   As far as what you should do, only you have that answer.  I can only suggest that you follow your gut.  I learned that lesson many years too late, but at least I learned.  Let the woman work out her own problem, without the benefit of a safety net, meaning, you.  It will only cloud the major issues she has.
   
   I wish you the best of luck.

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9. 80

   KCC Big Countryposted 14 years ago

   Wow, took 3 tries to get that out, huh Bretya?

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10. 65

    marcel285posted 14 years ago

    Well this woman cheated on her husband of 8 years, so she's obviously a bit devious, and probably just as likely to cheat on you too.
    
    If she won't let you know where you stand, and it is important to you, you should probably get out now. She's known you long enough to give you some clue..
    
    Get really clear with yourself about what you want from a relationship, and if she can't give you what you want then you might as well end it now, because it will be inevidable anyway.

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11. 84

    donotfearposted 14 years ago

    Hi Mr. Cruz. First I want to say that I'm sorry you're feeling hurt & confused, you have a right! You appear to be a caring man who seeks true love and closure. I understand and feel your pain. Isn't it amazing how we find ourselves in such limbo during a time of love? Second, you appear to have been seeing & hearing warning signals for some time now....Isn't it astounding how we sometimes ignore those warning signs when we care so much for someone? I've done it....everyone has ignored the signs at some point when overcome by feelings and emotion.  It's very smart and observant of you to note and admit she has indecisive instability in her life. I cannot tell you what to do, but as someone who's smelled the roses & been there I want to offer my encouragement to you. Please listen to your instinct. Follow it, trust it and allow it. Sometimes it's all we have to go on. Do you want to continue in the relationship the way it currently is, not knowing for sure if you are 'in' or 'out'? It's mind-boggling, isn't it? Do you want more than she's willing to give right now?  It sounds as though she is not stable with herself, much less well grounded in her relationships. Is that what you want for yourself? Can she be a 'constant' in your life right now?  If not, then are you satisfied with it being that way, shaky, uncommitted? If you are able to emotionally handle the relationship this way, then follow your heart. If it's too difficult, tearing at you emotionally to continue with her while not actually 'being grounded' as a 'constant' then perhaps it's time to move on with your life in another direction. If you decide to take this course of action (moving on) make sure you get closure with her before you do. Sit down and have the "talk", just like others here have advised you. Make it very clear that you need to know if you 'are' or you 'aren't'. If she cannot give you an answer, then perhaps it can be the closure you need to move on. That would be your open door to say, "I cannot continue in this state. I hope you get your life together but I must go on with mine."  Then you are free to act. I hope I've helped you. I know it hurts very much to care so deeply for someone else and they have difficulties that make it impossible to remain stable. Being able to "close the door & walk away" or "jump in to stay" will be the final conclusion. God bless you, you are a kind person who deserves happiness.

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12. 60

    The Ropeposted 14 years ago

    Move on, the best is yet to come.  Leave her to deal with her own baggage herself - it's actually the kindest thing you can do to help her.

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