Giving Up On Love

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   sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

   After yet another failed love relationship (we're still best friends) I've decided to opt out once and for all. Some say it's crazy but it's just a waste of time. If by chance I meet someone fine but I'm not looking and really want nothing more than friendship. To be honest I can find better things to do with my life than waste it on a romantic relationship.
   I'm in late 40s, never legally married and got too many failed relationships and alot of wasted time under my belt. I left my ex husband because of his alcoholism and he was one of the best ones.
   I think some people are not meant for love or relationships. Maybe it's not God's will in some cases. What do you think? Has anyone else decided love is not for them?  Just curious....

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      NateB11posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I think love happens by accident. Out of nowhere, there it is. Probably does no good to pursue it anyway.

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      ahorsebackposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Yes , Go ahead and shut it all down , no one needs love anyways right ? After all , you CAN control it too ......right ?  Forget it girl  ,  love is going to happen in your life , whether you invite it in or not . One day ..................Poof !. It's there , you will of course  look for something to go wrong and it won't happen , you might even try to sabotage it too  ,but   you will think then as you do now , that YOU can control it , Good luck with that....................love can't be controlled , And it cannot be stifled for more than a minute or so ! ..............:-}

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      TIMETRAVELER2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      First you have to love yourself, because if you do not, nobody else will.

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      dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      sassygrrl32,
      
      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
      There are over 7 Billion people on this planet!
      
      Essentially anyone who says they're "giving up" is saying they don't know how to pick their ideal mate. If you can't shop for yourself you're in trouble!
      
      The only thing all of your failed relationships have in common is (you).
      
      If someone finds they have been having one bad relationship after another it's probably time they re-examine their "mate selection criteria".
      Until you figure out why you said "yes" to your exes you won't be able to change your selection process.
      
      When we change our circumstances change.
      
      A lot of people have yet to figure out who (they) are let alone what they want or need in a mate for life.
      
      They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
      
      Some people are just suckers for the "infatuation phase" of every new relationship they embark upon. One would think that over the years they would have learned not to "emotionally invest" during the first 3- 6 months. They're "in love" with falling "in love". (Romance novels/Hollywood movies)
      
      It always starts off with lots of laughter, spontaneous dates, long conversations, romantic gestures, and sex off the charts! Both people bend over backwards to impress one another and the word "no" is seldom if ever used. Any relationship novice assumes they met their "soul-mate"!
      
      It usually takes up until a year or so for people to reveal their "authentic selves". Generally speaking that is after having some major arguments or disagreements. It is then where you learn about each other's "boundaries" and "deal breakers". Only then can you determine if you want to be in an "exclusive relationship" with them or possibly be with them for life.
      
      Just about every woman has some guys that she put in "the friend zone" who had just about all the traits they claim they want in a guy. Honesty, dependable, loving, affectionate, kind, sincere, and clearly admired her. However she shut him down because he lacked "swagger" or she didn't feel any initial chemistry, or she thought he was "too nice".
      You may have a wonderful guy locked in the 'friend zone".
      
      Several years ago I saw a woman on a dating show proclaim: "I like a little (thug) in my men." By and large thugs tend to be players, lack job security, don't have 401ks, and oftentimes are verbally and physically abusive.
      It shouldn't be a surprise that there is no white picket fence happy ending!
      
      Another group of women prefer to be with a guy who doesn't 'have it together". There is too much competition for him. They'd rather take on a "project" of man {who is not what they want} with the hope of "changing" him over time. When their experiment fails they blame the guy!
      
      Expecting someone to become who they are not is like trying to teach a cat how to bark.
      
      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.
      You have to know what you want and have the discipline to stick to your list!
      
      Lastly there are women who "accidentally" land in relationships. What started off as a one-night stand, booty call, or "friends with benefits" evolved into something "regular". They knew right off the bat the guy was not what they wanted in a serious relationship or spouse! They just got "comfortable". Nights became weeks, weeks became months, and months became years until one day she or he called it quits.
      
      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.
      
      
      
      

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      Say Yes To Lifeposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I've had little luck in that area, too.  I wonder - since you're most likely not looking to have babies, what would happen if you just hung out with guys and dated for the sheer joy of it?  Flirt with anyone, whether or not he was husband material, even if he's half your age.  I do that at snowboard camp.  Once a 15 year old boy asked me for a date to the dance there.  He didn't show up, but I wound up dancing with the pros, and one of my roommates got some great photos of us.  I will treasure that memory ALWAYS!!!
      
      You may not meet Mr. Right in the process, but you'll enjoy yourself a lot more!

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         dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

         Excellent point!
         
         People have forgotten that dating can be just a FUN social activity!
         Every "serious relationship" I've had began as a "casual relationship" which evolved over time. I never set out "looking for a wife".
         When couples realize what they have is "special" the relationship evolves.
         
         To often people view dating as only in terms of finding a spouse. That makes it a job! Some folks actually HATE the whole dating process.
         
         Your subconscious will never allow you to succeed at anything you despise.
         
         Any woman in her 40s is probably past having the "fairytale" expectation.
         A lot of them enjoy their newfound freedom & independence after divorce or the end of a long-term relationship.

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      Credence2posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Hi, Sassy, don't give up the ship. You are trying too hard. When my mate came my way it was unexpected and unanticipated. Just go about your business as it is now, give it a little time and it will fall into your lap.
      
      To be honest, while the mate is great, if I found myself suddenly single I probably would not remarry. You get old enough and you begin to realize that you pretty much have 'been there and done that' and have what you need and whatever it is that you don't have is easily attainable, particularly in this day and age.
      
      I tell my spouse all of the time that a man would rather eat McDonalds everyday in peace over having gourmet meals prepared by a woman that naggs constantly. The things that everybody tells you are so important are only important relative other things that may be more so, depending upon your disposition
      
      Again, good luck!

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      realtalk247posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I was just pondering the question this morning, why is love so hard?  Have we made it difficult with unrealistic standards or lack of ability to read the inside of another's soul to determine true compatibility.  40-50 years ago it seemed simple to meet someone nice, that cared for you and wanted to build a family together. Now we have 100 dating sites just to connect but fail to connect to people in front of us at a coffee shop or grocery store. 
      I don't want you to give up but it can be difficult.

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   Jewelsposted 8 years ago

   It's all an inside job.  Take care of yourself first, apply all the tips and tricks to your own inner self and the rest is taken care of.

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      theraggededgeposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      What she said!

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   C.V.Rajanposted 8 years ago

   Interesting!
   
   All worldly love is essentially a product or business of self-love. We want to be loved first by others; we want others to love us unconditionally without judgment. Hoping to get that sort of love, we engage in love with others. But mostly we don't really give what we want to receive!
   
   Sometime back I wrote a hub on "What is true love and where is true love". You are welcome to drop in to read it.
   
   C.V.

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   clivewilliamsposted 8 years ago

   just rolled the dice and guess what came out....love..its always a gamble

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   RedSirenJulieposted 8 years ago

   I think we ARE love.

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   sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

   @Dashingscorpio, thanks for the reply and to all others too. I will read the true love post.
   I don't have any male friends other than the last relationship and my alcoholic ex so there are no wonderful men locked away.
   Giving up is really the wrong term. Opting out is a better term. Love could happen but I'm spending no time making connections that could lead to it. I dont want to shop for a mate.
   I believe very strongly that God's will plays a part in meeting someone and I believe God's will isn't for everyone to have a mate. If it isn't God's will and I believe my destiny is to be alone then no one I meet is going to work out. It doesn't matter what I do. The relationships are going to fail because they weren't meant to be. And it will be an endless cycle of never finding Mr. Right. A long time ago I came to the conclusion that it was God's will for me to be alone but I refused to accept it. I was determined to not accept that. Well 10 yrs latwr I'm still in the same place after spending 7 yrs on an alcoholic. What I don't regret is all the travelling I did in that time. I've been to almost every state. My point being God's will dictates where you will end up. I believe mine is not a relationship. And if I do get in one it won't last. So I either accept God's will or a slew of short term relationships. I'm getting too old for short term timewasters. I can find better things to do like travel and my photography.
   Not everyone believes in this theory but sooner or later everyone has to accept that God's will, fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it plays a huge role. Whether we like it or not.
   I'm opting out.

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      dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      While I am far from being a bible thumper I seem to recall that God made Eve for Adam so he wouldn't be alone. And yet you say: "I believe God's will isn't for everyone to have a mate." If this truly was the case there would be no need to have (7 Billon) people on the planet.
      
      Women in particular are prone to believing that God will "send them" a mate. It's actually an extension of the romance novels and Hollywood movies. When it comes to love and romance a lot of people are insistent that it comes by "happenstance" or "coincidence".
      
      The law of attraction does not replace the law of action!
      Even a lottery winner has to buy a ticket!
      
      Whether one calls it "shopping for a mate" or knowing what they want in a mate and not settling, the end result is they will have to ultimately know when to say (yes) or (no) based upon their "God given" instincts.
      
      Most people get into trouble when (they) choose to ignore their God given instincts. They don't stay true to themselves and they ignore "red flags".
      
      No man is ever going to show up with a return address stamped on his head that reads: {From: God almighty your heavenly father}. Even if they did (you) would still have to (decide) whether to sign for the guy or not.
      
      There is no escaping "free will".
      
      

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         realtalk247posted 8 years agoin reply to this

         Dashing Scorpio-what a beautiful and thoughtful message. You just came encouragement to a host of women to try again and remain in the dating game. 
         Getting older you realize that you won't be young forever. Life has unexpected twists and turns and the power of having a husband and family is truly a beautiful thing.  Someone to share your life with, grow old together, and have someone to take you (and you them) to the many doctor's appointments you'll have in the future. (smile).  As I watch people get older, have ailments, or deal with unexpected diagnosis like cancer -it's  a reality check that no man should be an island onto himself. Sometimes the beauty of partnership is a good thing. Less lonely, less financial strain, and similar memories of family is beautiful.

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7. 72

   sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

   One other thing I want to add....My last therapist pointed out that when we come from a dysfunctional background we will attract dysfunctional. Until we become functional which requires yrs of therapy  we will continue on the same path. No functional person wants dysfunctional. That's another theory for a host of failed relationships. And may be more accurate. I'd never thought of it this way before.  She (now retired) pointed out it is useless to try and find a relationship until I fix myself. A friend pointed out that I can't fix myself like a car.
   Bottom line for me: I believe in God's will plays a big role and factor in needing to fix myself before finding a good, loving, functional relationship with someone functional will require yrs of therapy. By the time I'm fixed I'm going to be too old for it to matter. Who wants to wait til they're in a nursing home to find someone?
   I look at it like an old, rusty car that someone takes on as a project. It's a very slow process. None of this will matter when I'm dead.

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      dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Therapists oftentimes talk about the people you attract based upon your history or background. The reality is who you attract is out of your hands!
      
      "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
      
      Anyone who is "drop dead gorgeous" is going to attract ALL types of people! It's not about who we attract to us but rather who (we) say YES to! In other words it's about who YOU are attracted to!
      
      Human beings have the capacity to learn, adapt, change, and evolve if they desire to. I do agree that it makes no sense to pursue relationships until one has done some serious introspective thinking to figure out what it is they want and why they have been unable to have it.
      
      When we change our circumstances change.
      
      I also don't believe it requires several years to make changes in one's life.
      Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
      
      That doesn't sound like a person {waiting on God} to do it for them!
      
      
      
      

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      realtalk247posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Wow. How about you continue working on yourself, set your standards, recognize the behavior and actions you don't want to avoid heartbreak?  Focus on developing friendship with men first and let the relationship blossom rather than focus on fitting someone into label of husband/boyfriend.  Evaluate how you are being treated and how you feel. Pray to God that he will bless your efforts. When you socialize with others focus on activities you enjoy, volunteer organizations, attend conferences, and continue your journey to become your best self. You sound like a nice person with a broken heart.  The bible speaks about salt losing its' flavor. 
      
      Make a list of what makes you fabulous and read it everyday.
      
      The following books/videos are also good reads:
      You-Tube Video: I am single and lonely what do I do? - Lenon Honor (he's a little straight forward but gives good advice)
      Book: "Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama"-Sophia Nelson (EXCELLENT BOOK). The author is on twitter too
      Book: "What Would Michelle Do" - Allison Samuels
      Book: "How To Get Out Of Your Own Way" - Tyrese Gibson
      Book: "What Would Michelle Do" - Allison Samuels
      
      ***********Have Faith. You seem too nice to spend life alone.**************
      Have you ever considered adoption if you desire a family?

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   sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

   There are more women than men so not sure how to explain that one.
   I'm by no means a person who thinks God is going to send someone. My viewpoint is quite the opposite. I have to give serious credence to God's will and that a relationship may not be for me. A long term one anyway. Although I suppose any is better than nothing. Even for a short time.
   My therapist pointed out that to attract functional I must fix myself and attract different people. That makes sense. Who I'm currently attracting isn't working. But if I'm going to continue attracting the same people no matter what then it truly is futile to even consider relationships other than friendships. And if knew just how dysfunctional my past is you'd understand that it will take yrs to fix.
   My current therapist thinks it's remarkable that ive remained friends with my ex bf. I'm still friends with my ex husband too.

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      colorfuloneposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'm glad that you are getting some wise counsel.  I've been a happy single for several years by choice and I don't date.  "Fake it till you make it" was my motto to become a happy single.  The experience of being my own best friend for several years has been worth it.  But, a single life-style ins't for everyone.  I happen to be an introvert, and love to spend time alone with God and my own thoughts and feelings so it works for me. 
      
      Because I am single I was able to move home to take care of my, Mom for the past two years. Otherwise, I would most likely would be missing out of this blessing.   
      
      I wish you a Merry Christmas!

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   sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

   @realtalk @colorfulone......thank you for the replies. I've had a broken heart a few times. Honestly, I think it's in too many pieces to put back together. The reality is there are many, many women out there who are going to remain single not by choice but circumstance. Sometimes, it's sad but true, there simply isn't someone for everyone. At least not someone with all the good qualities a person desires. Maybe 2 people miss each other, maybe it isn't the right time, maybe there is a great person you have no chemistry with, maybe someone wants to change you too much. I've encountered that quite frequently and it's usually physical. I find it too difficult to morph into the person each man wants. I thought as you got older people matured. But I'm encountering the exact opposite. There are 20 yr Olds more mature than 50 yr olds. And mostly the men are regressing rather than evolving.
   I've had my share of hopes and dreams. And at some point you realize you must put them on a shelf.
   I'm a nice person, a good person but it seems no one really wants a good woman. Men will say they do but if they were completely honest with themselves the answer is no. These same men complain when they get cheated on, lied to and hurt.
   When I'm out travelling I really don't think about it. I'm too busy taking pictures and avoiding bad drivers. My therapist says they are distractions but yoy have to have them or go crazy.
   As for dating sites, I've tried those too. Mostly a waste of time in my opinion. They do give you access to many more men in a relatively short time. One thing I've learned about them is if you  happen to talk to someone who wants to meet you have to drop everything and meet them or the chance is lost. There can't be plans on saturday. You have to rearrange things. Otherwise the man will find someone who will meet on his schedule. Mostly there are timewasters on these sites or married pretending to be single.
   I don't understand why people don't make connections offline. I meet lots of people because I'm very friendly and outgoing but no one who is single and looking.
   There comes a time when you just have to put certain desires away.
   On a side note: my ex husband wants to try again. I've refused because he refuses to get help for the drinking. We've remained friends and I've made it clear that's all there is. He says he wants to meet someone and I tell him until he gets help for the drinking he's not going to find anyone except someone for sex.
   And sometimes women just have to take whatever is available. Was reading about that online.
   I don't want to really give up but I don't want to be hoping for something that may never come. That's the reason I've chosen to opt out.

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      dashingscorpioposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      "And sometimes women just have to take whatever is available."
      With over 7 Billion people on the planet there is a lot that's available!
      
      What I find that keeps many people from finding a suitable mate is their own limiting selection process. For example I met my wife online while I was living in California and she was in Chicago. We traveled back and forth for a year and eventually I moved out here.
      
      Right off the bat some people would never consider being in a long distance relationship. The person has to be in their same city or state. So you cut down your options from 7 Billion to may 35,000 depending on what town you live in. In other instances some people only want to date a person of their same race. Well depending on what that is you may be eliminating over 6 Billion people sight unseen!
      
      A Mercedes 600SL in any color is still a Mercedes 600SL.
      
      Another factor women in particular look for is a man who spends his Sundays in church. Lots of quality men prefer to watch sports, play golf, go to movies, or sleep in on Sundays. And yet they don't make the cut because they're not "a man of God".
      
      My point is (we) create our own limitations by how we choose exclude or include people as potential mates.
      
      Lastly when it comes to online dating so many people don't know how to do it. They don't have a "mate selection criteria". They run out to meet every single person as soon as possible. There is no rush!
      If a guy has no interest in getting to know you on your timeframe then (he) was not the one. When a company has an opening for a position they receive tons of resumes. Not everyone is going to get a phone interview and not every phone interview leads to a face to face interview...and so on.
      
      A lot of people don't even bother to research online dating sites before picking one! Reading reviews and knowing what you want are keys in deciding which site to join. They have them based upon race, age, religion, and some even lean towards those with children, pets, or political affiliation.
      There are countless options and checking demographics is important. Some have more women then men or vice versa....etc
      
      One other option that has nothing to do with online dating but everything to do with just meeting new people is joining a few hobby interest groups on Meetup.com. They have just about every time of group you can imagine. People with similar interest have monthly group meetings. There are things like book clubs, theatre goers, yoga, meditation, salsa dancing, writers, hiking, painting or whatever. It gets you out of the house spending time with people who have a similar interest. There are no dating expectations but if two people meet in a group and get to know each other over time whose to say what may become of it.
      Worst case is you make more friends!
      
      

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10. 72

    sassygrrl32posted 8 years ago

    @dashingscorpio.   I didn't write that article about women taking what's available. Sometimes for whatever reason women maybe men too just do. I guess it depends on how bad loneliness gets. Although that's crazy. I think loneliness is a driving factor. Everyone desires companionship and affection. After a long time without it people aggregate towards whatever is available rather than what is suitable. Loneliness is an ugly demon.
    I agree with you on getting to know someone over time when it comes to online dating. But I also belive there is no harm in meeting someone for coffee. After all he could be the one. But not meeting lost the chance. But it's about you proceed from there. If the person wants to move to relationship or the sack you can scratch that person off as suitable unless that's what said person wants. Just don't complain when it doesn't work.
    Long term relationships are very hard. Been in one, my opinion, they don't work. Obviously in a few rare cases they do. However it does open up many more possibilities. And it's not like you're losing anything by communicating. Most people aren't doing anything anyway. It's only a problem if it's getting in the way of offline connections. I've tried that too (online) with people who didn't live nearby and it always fizzled out. But once again, it comes down to those distractions my therapist talked about. It passes the time if nothing else.
    You can't go to online dating sites with expectations. In fact, expecting nothing is best. Same offline. The 1 advantage hopefully is the people on the site are likeminded. At least they have to be pretend to be.
    I've been on online dating sites since 1999 off and on. They didn't work. My relationships were offline connections. I guess there has to be balance between online and offline.
    I read about 1 woman on a quest for Mr. Right and she met every man that wanted to meet and responded to everyone whether she thought she would like them or not. She was determined to find a mate. This was a full time job I can tell you. But after over 100 dates in 6 mos she met her mate. Alot of people just don't  have that much stamina. And she rejected none until she met them.
    Online dating to me is like a buy here pay here car lot. There aren't too many good, suitable vehicles on these lots but there are a few here and there and 1 much search alot of lots to find it. Alot of bad relationships/dysfunctional childhood is equivalent to bad credit.

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    realtalk247posted 8 years ago

    Dashing scorpio you are right-sometimes one becomes limited by their limitations or idealistic view that this person has to come in this "package" or have a list of qualities. To be fair wanting someone with morals is a good start. You can have people sitting in church that are liars, deceitful, mean-spirited users.  There are church goers that remind you of the character Cici on Being Mary Jane (the one explaining how it was God's blessing for her to blackmail Mary Jane to the tune of $25,000-----twisted mindset). Perhaps instead of desiring someone that attends church first examine the kindness of the person when interacting with others. Do they volunteer their time, do they support or donate to different causes? What means something to that person.
    
    Good point about moving for love. If you find what you want then heck, go for it. Limitations such as geographical location should not be a restriction.  This widens anyone's pool of opportunities. Maybe you meet someone online that works for home thus can move to where you are located. 
    
    Once again, good points.

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    Kathryn L Hillposted 8 years ago

    So, are you still living with that guy you don't want to marry until your house is fixed up to avoid living in yer car?
    How's that going?
    You were told over and over that love is for you if you just get out and get on yer own!
    If your'e good, (by possessing a helpful, loving heart,) for someone, that someone will come along.
    If you're in a toxic relationship or your thoughts are toxic you won't be good for anybody.
    Do you want to be a force of good in the world?
    You can be a force for good by yourself or with someone else.
    The universe works with positivity. It also works with negativity.
    Don't make a deal with the devil.
    Get your heart right first.
    God will do the rest.

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       sassygrrl32posted 8 years agoin reply to this

       It was never about not wanting to marry my ex roommate. He never suggested it and neither did I. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be. Not that I didn't and don't love him because I do. I did end up living in my car(still am). Because the busybody's at his church wouldn't shut up about it. I've had to rent the house instead. Ended up with alot more repairs and debt. Debt from my dad's estate(house is still in probate) that has to be taken care of. So for now I'm living in my car. Not looking for love, not in a place to do that, for now I'm in my car. I tried living with my ex for awhile but that didn't work out because of his alcoholism. There's another yr left on the lease. I'm concentrating on saving money hopefully for a small RV, another bicycle and working on my blogs. And thinking about becoming completely mobile on my own. It's a little scary with no one to turn to but that is the best place for me.

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          Castlepalomaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Love is the most important word in the world.
          I don't know about ultimate love is God. I do fell love is the ulitmate thing in the World and in a relationship with a woman.  Been in love three time, it's better to love and lost, than to never loved at all.
          
          It's a matter of luck, or was that a matter of skill?
          Anyways, be the best of who you are, for every jar there is a lid.

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             Kathryn L Hillposted 8 years agoin reply to this

             Just like for every sock there is a match?
             For every light bulb there is a socket?
             For every washing-machine there are clothes to wash?
             For every fridge there are groceries to store.
             For every cold person there is a coat to wear?
             For every warm person there is air conditioning?
             Always be the best you can be. To live well is to have a happy life with or without the lid or the sock or the socket or the clothes or the groceries or the coat or the air conditioning.

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                Castlepalomaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                My Grandma said there is a lid for every jar. It worked wonders and gave confidence. For my better than average love relationship.
                
                Your chances of love are better when you personally improve yourself first.
                
                For what ever works for you, do it.

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                   Kathryn L Hillposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                   so you are a jar?

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                      Castlepalomaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                      Well yes, my jar has been filled and emptied a few times. There is no one and only soulmate in this world. There is always someone bigger and better for you, as you grow better. Just hang on to the beautiful loving ones as long as you can.

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