Messed up my relationship - but I'm 44 - am I mad or bad?
Dear Veronica -My question is similar to recent advice for Amanda & Marla. Except I am 44, never married and feel I have lost someone very special. I have a great job & a wonderful home & lifestyle. I am mostly very happy but want to share my life. I have had a wonderful relationship (having not been in one for years) but sadly I have blown it through sheer anxiety & i think panic. You see the guy I was seeing was only seperated & I could not get my head around this and pressured him to sort his affairs out with his estranged wife.He has cracked and ended it. Am I mad or bad?
Ok mad and bad, get this through your head. Do not see guys who are "separated" from their wives! If they aren't divorced, there's a reason. You don't want to be the side salad in anyone's life. You want to be the main course.
Blunt but I guess true. However, I suppose I would like to perhaps understand those reasons why some couples get part way to sorting things out and then seem to stay in a kind of limbo. They had been seperated 12 months before we met. There are many financial ties to finalise and they also run a business together ( although his wife only works a few hours a week). He is fortunate in one way that he has enough money to have his own place and does not need to sell the marital home to free up equity. In one way this seems lucky but on the otherhand perhaps its too convenient & easy,as most couples would need to get on and sort out the finances & property just so they can live seperately. Is it laziness or just a reluctance to accept its really over?
You deserve to be #1. Don't mess with a guy that has baggage, unless he has resolved everything before he meets you. As hard as it is to believe, especially when you have strong feelings for someone, there are hundreds of people you could meet who would be wonderful, make you happy and love you. You don't need to settle for less. Often, a guy who is separated is trying to play both sides. He wants the excitement of an affair, but doesn't want to give up the security of home and family. Since his marriage didn't work out, he may fear you and he won't work out, so he better hold on to what he has. . . At any rate he is weak and being very unfair to his wife and to you. You deserve better.
Thanks for asking me, Fishcake. I wrote you your very own Hub:
http://hubpages.com/hub/He-Was-Only-Sep … hip-Advice
I really hope you'll read it and let me know what you think.
You did what most of us only dream of being able to do . . . the right thing. He should get his affairs straight before entering into another relationship. Sadly and all too often, people fail to do that and wind up dragging someone else through their craziness and relationship messes. If your life is intact, keep it that way. If he ended it with you, then maybe he isn't ready to walk away from the other relationship just yet. If that is the case, you are lucky. Most of the time it isn't so cut and dried. Hang in there. He will either come back, or someone else will come along in due time. Don't risk your peaceful, happy life for someone confused and attached to someone else.
I don't think you're mad or bad, you just met someone who still has ties to another woman and it was too much for you to deal with, almost like you met him at the wrong time.
Are you kidding? He has no business seeing you while still being married. HE IS BAD, and at 44 you know better too.
Now, that said, get off your pity party, get out and meet some single men. Go to some clubs (not night clubs but like recreational clubs, hiking club, garden club - etc) get out of the house and get involved where you meet people. Soon you will meet someone who is single and probably pretty wonderful.
If you put your mind to it, you can meet someone in a short amount of time. Just be yourself and don't be shy. Be outgoing treat people like an old friend and before you know it... you're in love with someone worth dating.
You did not blow it with anxiety and pushing him to sort out his affairs. You blew it because you dated a married guy who was lying to you about the status of his marriage. When you pushed for more it became clear that you were a liability to the marriage he was still in - so to keep his wife from finding out he was "shtupping" you in between "shtupping" her - you had to go. He had the best of both worlds and you threatened that status with your pushing.
Stop dating married men, you got no business and neither do they and I don't care what he says about where the marriage is at because chances are good he is lying so he can get what he wants from you AND at home.
I am confident there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken and there are many men who will find you a wonderful person to be with - who are not married.
Now you go get you the man you want... many are wondering where you are - and Fishcake... keep your heart in your shirt until you find out if he is married.
- Best Wishes
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