How do you make your marriage Stronger?

1. 75

   YoungWifeposted 14 years ago

   How do you make your marriage Stronger?
   
   Looking for tips and help, my husband seems to be becoming more and more distant and we've only been married for 5 months. We've known one another for 7 years but still, he seems to be turning into someone else and drifting further and further from me. I need some advise from some happily married people please.

   replyreport
2. 82

   wychicposted 14 years ago

   Have you talked to him about what might be the problem, and been willing to wait for his answer? I wish I could be more helpful, but all I can say is that we haven't stopped trying. Communication is critical, but it can't be forced on anyone, and each person has to have their space to work out issues (this seems to apply most often to men). My husband and I have had some pretty severe breaks before, but one way or another we always find a way to open the lines of communication back up so that we can work it out. It's not always easy -- in fact, sometimes it's downright painful before anything can be figured out -- but it's always been worth doing.
   
   One of the things that I've learned to do is no matter how angry or frustrated I am with my husband, or no matter how much what he says or does hurts, I stop and recall the feelings that I have for him and why those feelings are there. I find that this helps me deal with him with a more loving attitude, and helps me cope with my own emotions when things aren't going right. Remember, too, that some men act like they don't need love and affection when they really need it the most. There have been times my husband has been acting like a complete a**hole and will act very angry and say some very hurtful things, but then I'll give him a hug and he completely breaks down. There has been more than once when the thought of leaving has crossed my mind, and I just tell myself, "not today." Without fail, by the next day he's ready to talk to me and I've never been so glad I didn't act on the spur of the moment.
   
   Give it some time -- married life takes some adjustment, and five months isn't long for things to settle down. No relationship is perfect, there will be tough times no matter how close you are, and it's basically just a matter of being able to work through those tough times and use them to understand each other better and find new ways to grow closer.

   replyreport
3. 67

   ThunderKeysposted 14 years ago

   Well I've been with my wife for almost 20 years and I'm also a professional counselor who has worked with many distressed couples in my private practice. I agree with wychic. Healthy communication is critical for marriage to succeed. Her strategy of remembering those beautiful reasons she loves her husband during normal times of stress is an excellent approach! The fact that they both "never stop trying" is actually a strong sign of incredible marital resiliency, according to established clinical practice and research.
   
   "Stonewalling" or emotional and physical distancing, is a mode of communication that strong relationship science shows is reliably predictive of divorce. Most divorces take place in the first year and the fifth years of marriage. So this is a good time for both of you to really learn those critical marriage maintenance skills and tools that we are sadly not born with. 
   
   When one partner shuts down and starts to drift away, its usually because some core relationship need or needs are not being fully expressed or met. This can cause emotional distress in the partner who is being stonewalled when they unsuccessfully bid for emotional connection.
   
   The resultant fear, anger and resentment can actually fuel the distancing in the other partner, particularly if the core, unmet relationship-need is "attachment" based. there are some powerful strategies for turning these communication patterns around, and for using them as a signal for initiating learned repair processes towards deeply strengthening and affair-proofing your marriage. Please see my 2 hubs on these strategies and feel free to ask any additional questions.

   replyreport
4. 75

   YoungWifeposted 14 years ago

   thank you both for your help. I there are times when I feel I am the only one trying to make this work. I asked him last night if he regretted getting married, because sometimes it feels like he does. I keep the house clean and try to make him happy in every way possible. He is usually more happy with his friends than with me. To me he is my best friend, and I try all the time to be his. He doesnt tell me about anything. On V-day he was in a work accident and I was stuck at home until 8pm trying to find out where he was and scared out of my mind that something horrible happened. When I finally got ahold of his mother she told me that the machine he was working on propelled a knife into his chest hilt first and cracked some ribs. He didnt even bother to send me a text and I found out that he was texing his buddies in the doctors office while he was waiting for the doctor. He doesnt call me when hes going to be late anymore and thinks its ok to go out drinking with his buds and stay the night at their house. Hes married hes supposed to want to come home to me. Am I wrong? I try to compunicate with him all the time, he hears all about my day every day even if I had nothing to do. But when I ask about his day all I get is "Long," or "Hard." I ask him what I can do to make his day better and he just shrugs and turns on his playstation. I am not against him relaxing, I dont know I just thought we would stay close and not drift appart. We usued to be so close and he would tell me everything and looked forward to telling me things, always called if hes going to be late. He used to always respond to my texts and pick up the phone when I called. Now he only picks up the phone less than half the time I call and he never texts me back. I feel like i did something wrong.

   replyreport