Did I ruin the relationship by being too demanding?
I have been dating my 38 year old boyfriend for 11 months. I am 34. I felt very sure that he was the one. He travels a lot for work - much more than he told me - and I get insecure when I don't hear from him regularly. He doesn't want to Skype, is often too tired. After his latest 6 week trip I pushed a little too hard and asked if he wants to continue with this job when he has kids. It ended up turning into 'the talk', but it went badly. He doesn't think 11 months is long enough to know. I harped on about babies and not wanting to be strung along. I wish I could just be my happy self but anxi
For him to be "the one", he has to feel the same way about you too. I can understand why you are anxious, especially when he travels a lot. None the less, if he doesn't think 11 months is long enough to know, then by definition, he doesn't yet think you are 'the one'. i.e. even if your half of the equation is there, his half isn't (yet!). So your choices are to continue on dating him, or move on. Only you will know what is right.
But I've seen too many people make the mistake of saying "I know this guy is the right one therefore we were meant to be together" without taking into account the guy's point of view at all!! In other words if you truly love your man you would respect his right to not yet know if you're the right one. You have the right to walk away from the relationship, but you don't have the right to tell him that he is supposed to marry you!
You CAN tell him how you feel about him, but not that you both need to make a further commitment - he may just not be ready on his end of the equation. Sorry if my words come across as harsh or blunt... but I don't know any other way to express it.
I agree with Giselle. In order for them to be "the one" i think there has to be some common ground as far as feelings about the future together. As a man who has strung out relationships in my past, I can honestly tell you that it may be time for you to move on. I use to think that it took years of dating before you knew if this was the person you wanted to marry until I met my current love. We have only been together for a few months but I knew from the moment we talked that she was potnetially the one. And she has been confirming that she is "the one" each and everyday. I understand that people will handle relationship different ways and for some it does take time, but still if they have any intentions on making a committment then they will be more than willing and open towards your feelings....
Hello! Boy do I know how you feel! I am currently happily married, but OMG does your situation ring a bell from my dating days! First of all, you should not feel bad at all about wanting to talk to your boyfriend about the status of your relationship. If he is not on the same page, then that is his loss, not yours!
Unfortunately men can get scared off sometimes when we women come on strong about marriage and babies, but if he is at the same point in life you are, he will come around. If he doesn't, then you should move on (I know it is much harder to do than to say!) and find someone with the same desires in life as you.
My advice is to just continue on with your life and make choices for yourself like where your career takes you, where you want to live, and what you do for fun...based on what YOU want and not what you think might make him happy. Too many women (and I am speaking from personal experience making many many mistakes) let their life progress based on what their partner wants...and they forget about their own needs.
If it is meant to be it won't be so hard to communicate and be on the same page. I'm not saying give up on him...just be kinder and truer to yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting to plan to have children and think about where you want to live.
Depending on how much time he is away from you it's likely you have not "actually" been together for 11 months. This is especially true if he is gone 6 weeks at a time. That in it self is 1 1/2 months!
There is a major difference between "calendar time" and "actual time" spent together. The way you described things it may take up to 3 "calendar years" for you to spend 1 "actual year" together. If he's gone half the time then your "11 months" is really more like 5 1/2 months.
When someone is into you they don't just disappear. They try and find ways to stay in contact when they are away. ( e greeting cards, late night phone conversations, emails, letters, and Skype or any other form of communication to stay in touch. If a person is not "concerned" about neglecting their mate then it's a good chance they aren't "emotionally invested" in the relationship. We tend to keep things we value close to us.
Consider this a lesson for yourself. You want a man who works locally and comes home every evening. Maybe you didn't know this before but now you do. Therefore add it to your list of "must haves" before becoming emotionally involved with the next man. Always remember "Actions speak louder than words" If he doesn't think you are "the one" then it's impossible for him to be "the one".
Never regret asking for what you want. It's the only way to find out if you are on the same page.
No, I don't think so to call you regularly and skype that is what I think he should at least do when he is gone on these trips. He should be easing your worry not pushing you away by not contacting you. It seems like to be honest you are living in a long distance relationship in a way so it might take him longer to decide afterall while he is gone he is most likely occupied for the longest of time. not to mention being far from eachother so often he doesn't have the time to explore his feelings for you that much. but to be honest I'd give him another few months to make up his mind it isn't like he could be that busy. You don't have a ruined relationship I wouldn't ponder things over to long.
No you were not too demanding. Your partner seems to think that when he travels away he does not need to keep in regular contact with you. This shows he is not serious about you, and would of course cause you anxiety. He seems to ignore your needs and the need to make your relationship secure when he's away. It seems like he has the relationship with you when he's home, and when he goes away he's a single and free man, with no need to 'report home' to you. If it were me I'd be questioning if he has been involved with someone else while he's been away, especially since he refuses to SKYPE with you. Does he ignore your calls to his mobile of an evening when he's away? I mean you could call him at the end of each day (say around dinner time) if he doesn't have a habit of calling you, and make a ruiteen of doing that, but if he doesn't answer his phone of an evening it's a big red flag. In any case the way that he's behaving is causing your relationship to not be working for you at the moment, no matter how sure you felt he was the one, and it's not your being demanding, it's him having the double life.
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