How do you keep your cool when your partner starts yelling at you during what was a calm discussion?
It can soon become a personal attack due to an anger problem.
Practice some deep breathing and just listen. Trying to interrupt such a display of anger might make matters worse. Once they calm down, tell them you'd like to discuss matters further but only when they learn to speak calmly and not with such aggression. Sometimes in the heat of things, people don't think about what they are saying, and afterwards they might feel guilty for saying such mean things.
Listen deeply what are they really saying or yelling actually. Try to ignore all personal comments - look for the actual issue they have. Filter out all accusations or angry words directed at you, it will help you stay calm. Most often is not about you in the end but them - there is a problem they have and they try to get attention for it.
Acknowledging that you can hear they are upset or annoyed and asking questions about their feelings may potentially calm them down as they should feel understood more.
What not to do is to yell back because then it is out of control! Find your inner strength and peace to remain calm, listen, and be the 'rock'.
Depending on where you are in your relationship,especially if there are kids around. Agree if the volume ever gets too loud,to quiet it down and write it down.
Kind of like the count to 10 if mad,putting it to paper will allow a cooling period and some clarity and thought when writing.
Allowing cooler heads to prevail.
Usually it is my husband who gets loudly vocal. I will shush him, and if that doesn't work I will say something really cutting and walk out of the room, leaving him to shake his head for awhile. Not the best way to handle it, but our children are old enough (12 and 14) that they can form their own pictures in their minds of what he is yelling at me about. At times they have approached me after he has stopped yelling at me to see if I am okay. Then they tell me that he should not be talking to me like that. Then they hide from him for awhile.
When you have children, "loudly" is definitely NOT they way to handle disagreements!
Good question. The first thing that comes to mind is don't collapse in on yourself. If you feel your head lowering, shoulders hunching forward, spine collapsing inward, then you are creating a defensive barrier that will trap emotions into your body instead of letting them out. This will cause your body to form bad habits that lock your muscles, bones (and emotion) down, limiting range of motion and breath.
Every situation is different. I once was in a situation where he had simply reached his emotional breaking point. So he was yelling things along the lines of "I'm sorry! I'm such a baby! This isn't supposed to be dramatic!" In this case my goal was simply to comfort him. Yelling during a fight is not always a sign of aggression. Sometimes it's necessary to release trapped emotions.
If your partner is yelling to attack you, with the intention to hurt you, realize that you are not the only thing in their life. Chances are that they have many things building up inside of them and whatever happened between the two of you was simply the catalyst.
As far as how to react, that also depends on the person. If you want to yell, then yell. Let the emotion out. Whatever your reaction is, make sure it is one you would feel comfortable justifying to friends, family, and most importantly your partner at a later time.
Your partner should not attack or hurt you, verbally or physically. If they are, then they are using your generosity and selflessness to exercise their anger and frustration. This is not healthy in a relationship. Whether your response is anger or fear, make sure that you allow yourself to get what you need from the fight. Sometimes we need to yell so that we can then keep our cool. It's a little counterintuitive but if you are shoving down emotions and locking down your body, you are not keeping your cool.
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